Who are your kids' guardians?

[Auspicious]

So, a somewhat morbid question: who would get your kids if, God forbid, something happened to both you and your spouse? I'm curious if everyone has designated a family member, or if many people have chosen friends they're not related to.

Every time one of our siblings does something crazy, FH and I joke to each other "Well, THEY just moved to the bottom of the godparent list! " But really, it's true--we love our siblings dearly, they're all pretty much high-functioning people, and we're glad they'll be our kids' aunts and uncles, but each of them has like one thing about their lives that we absolutely don't want our kids raised around. Really, our close friends are no better. And it's hard to imagine the kids going to someone outside the family. (Luckily we have a few years before we have to face this one--we have high hopes for my 24-year-old brother, who's a great guy and tends to share our values, but just isn't yet "established.")

So just out of curiosity, anyone care to share their choice and how they arrived at it?

[SueC]

We had a really hard time with this one. I love my sisters dearly, but I couldn't picture either of them raising our children. One sister and her husband don't want children, the other sister and her husband haven't started their family yet (there are many reasons why I wouldn't pick either of them for the job). My husband's brother is still single, and though he is finished with his school, he is totally dependent on his parents, we are pretty sure he smokes pot and may possibly be involved in other unsavory activities. He is obviously off the list. My in-laws are off the list due to health problems and other reasons. We have lots of great friends that have children of their own and we would never burden them with ours, plus we feel like they should stay in the family. So, the only people remaining are my parents. I have some mild reservations about them, but I know they love our girls more than life itself so I think they would do a good job raising them. This is definitely the kind of decision that has kept me up at night. Luckily, my husband and I were able to agree about this.

[Phoebe]

I have actually been meaning to start a thread like this because we are in the midst of this decision. We are having problems choosing guardians for our children. We tentatively agreed on my mom when we only had one child. Although, she is single, she is young and would raise our kids with the love, support, and guidance we would hope for.

Our options are slim as far as family. My in-laws have health problems and I would roll over in my grave before allowing my MIL to raise my daughters. Our siblings love our kids, but my brother is a flake and my oldest BIL has 4 kids and are godparents for another family with 4 kids and we don't want to risk that. That leaves my youngest BIL who has recently married and has had children yet. My husband has always wanted his younger brother to be the guardian. We can agree on this, but I can't stand his wife. She doesn't even know if she wants children and says if she does have them she wants all boys because she wants to be the princess of the family (She is an only child). I have serious reservations with the thought of her being a guardian of my girls.

We have a close set of friends who I could see being the guardians and they have expressed interest in doing so. However, like Sue, I really want my kids to be raised by family. I don't know what to do.

Jennifer

[Phoebe]

I have actually been meaning to start a thread like this because we are in the midst of this decision. We are having problems choosing guardians for our children. We tentatively agreed on my mom when we only had one child. Although, she is single, she is young and would raise our kids with the love, support, and guidance we would hope for.

Our options are slim as far as family. My in-laws have health problems and I would roll over in my grave before allowing my MIL to raise my daughters. Our siblings love our kids, but my brother is a flake and my oldest BIL has 4 kids and are godparents for another family with 4 kids and we don't want to risk that. That leaves my youngest BIL who has recently married and has had children yet. My husband has always wanted his younger brother to be the guardian. We can agree on this, but I can't stand his wife. She doesn't even know if she wants children and says if she does have them she wants all boys because she wants to be the princess of the family (She is an only child). I have serious reservations with the thought of her being a guardian of my girls.

We have a close set of friends who I could see being the guardians and they have expressed interest in doing so. However, like Sue, I really want my kids to be raised by family. I don't know what to do.

Jennifer

[Rapunzel]

This is a subject that has kept me awake at night as well. Right now my parents would be in the best position to take my children. They have a large home and very solid personalities. Plus, we closely share the same value structure and religious background. They do have some bad financial problems but my thinking is that if we both died (Jon and I) and left the children a rather sizable (seven figure) sum of money I would like my parents to take care of their debts (only five figures there) and then use some of the money as a substitute for my mother's income so that she could stay at home with my children. Whatever remained would be for the kids' college educations. The other *huge* plus about my mother being my children's foster mother is that she would homeschool them - and in the manner I have chosen to boot! (We've talked about this). She is such a great mom....

Now, it is possible that another member of my family (or Jon's) might be in a position some day to better care for our children if something were to happen to both of us. At the moment, though, our wishes point to my parents. Jon's mom is great and would be just as wonderful as my own mother (and would also homeschool the kids per my wishes) but she is still single and raising a child of her own which makes it logistically much more difficult for her.

We have friends that we dearly love and trust with the temporary care of our children but none of them are such a perfect fit that we would desire the kids to grow up with them as foster parents.

This is a very, very good subject! When Jon's dad and three siblings were killed in the car accident (he was an adolescent) his uncle immediately flew down thinking that Jon's mother had also died (miscommunication - she was the only survivor of the accident). It was a good thing that Jon and his remaining siblings had that kind of immediate family support (although I really don't care for that particular uncle - who knows what my husband would've been like if he had been raised by that man).

Jennifer

[mommax3]

We chose DH's youngest brother....DH is the oldest of three boys. I love both of his brothers and their wives and I think our boys would be okay with either of them, but the middle brother & wife are a little more high-maintenance type people and really enjoy the finer things in life......suddenly having three boys would be quite a shock to the status quo for them. They have one daughter who is about 6 weeks younger than our youngest. His youngest brother, on the other hand, is much more laid back, as is his wife, and he has spent more time with us and seen how we parent our children. They recently had their first baby, a boy, in January.

When we were choosing guardians, none of our siblings had children yet, and the brother we chose had JUST gotten married. At times I have wondered if we should switch brothers, but mostly I am comfortable with our choice. My mom and DH's parents are in their late 50s and I just don't think they would be the best choice from that standpoint, although I am sure they would be very involved with our kids. My dad is 72, so obviously not in the running! My sisters are both single and in somewhat transitional places in their lives, so I didn't consider them seriously either.

When we were going through this, I remember it being a really hard decision! I am glad it has been made, though.

Sally

[Sheherezade]

Yikes! This is a bad topic for me. We chose my younger brother and his wife. They are great with their kids and seemed very stable. SEEMED. 3 mos ago they split up after 15 years together. It has been a really messy situation. I hadn't even thought about the guardian issue yet. I think I need a change of plans.

Angie

[houseelf]

Our wills specifically name two alternate guardians in case our first choice is unable or unwilling to fulfill the job. (You never know what situation people will be in at the time and I want them to be honest about their health, desire to raise kids, etc.) Basically I used this format to ensure that my MIL would not raise my kids. This topic also keeps me up at night.

Kelly

[SueC]

I could see changing our plans in 10 years or so--right now my parents (though they are 60 and 63) are very energetic and healthy people who are financially stable. Who knows what the situation will be down the road (I don't forsee them going broke in retirement, but health issues could creep up). I like Kelly's idea of having designated alternates. I would definitely prefer one sister over the other to raise our kids, as she is more mature and not as high-maintenance as my other sister, but I suppose time could change my view on that as well. I feel a little bad that I instantly have dismissed my husband's entire family, but I just wouldn't be comfortable with any of them completely raising the kids. This is a really good thread Julie, and I'm impressed you are even thinking that far ahead! I didn't even consider this issue until last summer when my husband and I took our first trip without the kids.

Great question, Julie.
As Sue metioned, we are very lucky to agree on this topic. As hard as it is, we did not choose family. Neither of our siblings are in any sort of position to take care of children -- they are both having a hard enough time taking care of themselves. Likewise for his parents, serious health problems, relationship issues, financial issues, etc. Unfortunately, I would not trust them to spend our life insurance money wisely or for the benefit of our kids. Leaving my parents who are now divorced. They are both in good health and "young at heart" but because they can't always get along very well....that would be a problem, IMO. So....that leaves close friends as alternatives and that is what we have chosen. We both feel good about this decision -- that our friend would raise our children the way we would want them raised, more or less, and treat them as their own children. The only thing that sucks about it is that they live in another state. If something were to happen to us, our kids would be away from my parents and probably see them less.

Not an easy thing to think about.

[PrincessFiona]

This is a tough topic for sure! Thomas and I have gone back and forth on this because neither of us have friends or family that we could leave our children with.... Everytime we try and discuss this topic it ends in an argument.

kris

Hi all,

Im a new member here, just posted my introduction above. I thought I might add my two cents to this discussion because this is a topic that is very near and unfortunately dear to my heart.

I am a widow. I am engaged to a FP Physician so this question weighs heavily on my mind right now.

I will refer to my childrens father as my husband and my finacee as my fiancee (wow, how original!)

Before my husband died, we emotionally battled over this situation. I don't feel as though any of my sibiings would be good parents for my children. My husband was a late father and the youngest of three boys and so his brothers' kids are all grown up. I can't imagine having to raise three more kids after having an empty nest. All of our parents have various health issues that would make it so that it would be difficult to raise the kids, not to mention the ages.

We decided to ask some friends of ours if they would be willing to raise our kids. In fact, there are two different couples, one being the preferred the other being great back ups. We chose the preferred together, and I chose the backup after my husbands death. In the case of the preferred family, our two oldest kids (14 and 11 years old) are the same ages of the two youngest of their six kids. Our 9 year old would only be adding an additional two years to their parenting load.

The back up family has five kids and my two oldest are older than their oldest but my youngest is the same age as two of theirs. In this case, I wouldn't be adding to their duration of parenting.

Now that I will be married again, I am really not sure what to do about the guardianship issue. For now, I am leaving it as it is because, quite honestly, my kids are not thrilled about the fact that we will be moving away from thier friends here and until they learn to love and repect my fiancee, I wouldn't want him to feel the burden of having to raise them. I know that both guardian choices above would NOT hesitate to allow my fiancee to have physical custody of my children when the situation with the resentment clears up. I have made my feelings very clear to them and they are in total agreement.

If/when the situation calms down, I will seriously consider switching my will to make my fiancee their guardians.

Because of the fact that I am a widow, I have thought long and hard about this new family we are creating and what would happen if one of the two of us were to die. My fiancee has legal and physical custody of his kids but if something were to happen to him, his kids would most likely go to their mother, which just really bothers me as it would feel as though I were losing three family members, not just one. Same thing with me, my fiancee would have his family ripped apart too.

Its really a difficult decision but we looked very seriously about who to have raise our kids and we took into consideration everything from adding time to someones parenting duties to religion to temperments.

I am sorry for the novel but I thought I might add a few things for you all to think about. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have.

Angela

[peggyfromwastate]

I'm really bad on this one. We don't even have a will, but we both agree that the kids should go to my parents if we are both gone. We've talked about what would happen if one or the other dies, but really not if both of us die. I don't even know how one sets up guardianship, but anyway. My parents are the only ones I can see doing this job-- my sis is great, but I don't like how she raises her kids (no discipline) and they are totally strapped. My bros are single, and while my older bro could do the job (he'd probably be my 2nd choice) he's not quite there yet, and my younger bro just doesn't really seem to like children. My husband's family is completely and totally out of the question for many reasons, on which we both agree completely. Our kids aren't even allowed to stay the night with any of their cousins on his side, and they in fact are not allowed out of our sight when we are over at his relatives' houses. Nuff said, I believe??

Anyway-- we'd choose my parents because:
1. They love our kids so much
2. They are financially stable
3. My mom could do it again, even tho' she's 60!
4. They parent similarly to how we do
5. Our kids would get a sense of family

I guess I should write this down somewhere else besides this forum? 8O Oh well...

[Meenah]

Great topic, thank goodness I don't have to worry anymore. When Amy & Caroline were born their Dad & I chose my sisters. He was an only child. I picked my sister Becky and her husband, and as a backup I picked my sister Amy and her husband. I specifically stated that they would go to Becky , and if anything happened to Becky they would then go to Amy. I did not want them to stay with my brothers-in-law because I felt my sisters would love my children because they were my children, but a brother in law maybe not. I also did not choose my brother because I felt if he married and had a child, his wife could never love my children the way my sisters would. Wow, I kow this sounds long winded. Fortunately, Amy & Caroline are now 18 & 20 and it is a moot point.

Angela, good luck. How old are your step children? My husband and I each have two children. We have been married almost 4 years now.

Luanne

[DCJenn]

This has been a recent topic of conversation for us too- because we're going to get everyone!

(now who gets Stoli Schmirnoff, we haven't decided but probably my brother and SIL and then my best friend Les and her husband. Rick's sisters are NOT raising my dog, let alone my child. (perhaps the one in Juvy for stealing a compputer from school, or the two who became fathers at ages 14 and 15 should be evidence enough- but no- we have the senior in high school living on her own in a trailer park and the senior in college dating a woman 15 years his senior. Sooooo, talk about a no brainer!!!!)


My friend Les's mom died a few years ago (as some you will recall) and her brother is young and he and his wife are very irresponsible, plus they live in California. Her dad is in horrible mental and physical health since his wife died. So I told her to stop stressing and not to be a freak about picking Rick and I- we would be happy to raise her kids. and I honestly know her better than anyone in the world so I think that helped her decide.

My SIL has an older sister who is 34 going on 16- and is so self-centered that there's no way I would LET a niece or nephew of mine go to her.

My parents are young and healthy but I think they have done their time and deserve to be grandparents. I'm sure they would not have any problem stepping up to the plate but I'm lucky in that my brother, while an exceptionally annoying little brother as a child, has grown up to be a very successful, mature adult. (and my SIL was my Best Chick) (Les was in Asia for four weeks and literally flew home for my wedding, she fell asleep standing in the corner!!)

Jenn