Sibling Rivalry

[MrsK]

So, K2 (4yo next week) and Lambie (16mo) don't get along. They fight all the time. K2 says he doesn't like her, that he and K1 "don't know her well", that he feels "angry and sad about K1 playing with her". He's always been sneaky mean to her, pinching her when we look away and now he'll push her down when he walks past her and he's generally rough with her. Overall, he plays roughly and likes heavy work so things like wrestling, smashing stuff, carrying heavy loads, etc.

Meanwhile, she is always suspicious when he is being nice to her (not that i blame her but that unease isn't good). Then she pinches him or pulls his hair whenever he's within her reach, constantly fights with him over toys only wanting only whatever he wants, and screams "MINE!" every time he climbs in my lap. They rarely play nicely together and mostly ignore one another if they aren't fighting.

Neither of them have trouble getting along with K1 (who adores them both and whose social skills have greatly improved) or with their peers. The three of them will play together and each of them will play with K1. It's just Lambie and K2 that cannot be together.

Aside from this, K2 has been going through a stage for about a year now where he has tantrums, hits, and is generally angry. It used to only happen at home and his teachers couldn't believe it when I told them how anxious and difficult he has been at home. But now it's happening at swimming lessons, during outings, with the babysitter and the grandparents - about 2-3 times daily. He seems especially upset when I ask him to tend to self-care issues like toileting and dressing. He is not motivated by rewards and spending one-on-one time with him hasn't helped. His love language has always been physical care so he feels rejected when I ask him to do things that he can and should be doing for himself.

Any tips? Is this typical middle child / 4yo boy stuff? Sometimes I feel like I'm sending the wrong kid to OT.

[peggyfromwastate]

Oh it sucks. So much.

The thing that sticks out to me is Lambie yelling "mine" when he climbs on your lap. What happens then? Does he get off? Does she climb on? What do you do?

From that aspect alone- sounds like he feels threatened and jealous.

What about DrK? Does he have a special relationship with one kid in particular? (This is the crux of our sibling jealously issues at home, so that's why I ask.)

I would try to get some counseling for K2 to help him role-play and work through anger and impulsive behavior. I know he's young-- but you are seeing problems now and it will most likely get worse as she gets older (and more annoying to him- sounds like she knows how to push his buttons) and he gets stronger.

To clarify-- and I know you know this- it's not your fault, or K2s fault, or Lambie or anything. So counseling (just another thing on the plate, I know) just offers a place to practice skills and brainstorm new award systems...

[MrsK]

When they fight over my lap, I usually tell her no, that it's his turn. She usually persists. Sometimes I'll make room for both of them if he seems willing but I don't let her push him out. Oftentimes, it becomes a riot with all three trying to climb into my lap at once which I just cannot do. (Too many knees and elbows and the three together weigh as much as I do.)

DrK treats the kids equally. If anything, I think he favors K2. They are both very physical and enjoy cuddling together a lot. My in-laws generally favor K2 as he reminds them of DrK and K2 always charms guests and strangers. Also, K1 and Lambie are more like each other than either of them are like K2; They have similar temperaments and find the same things funny so I could see where K2 would feel left out or threatened by the relationship between them. After all, HE was K1's best friend before Lambie came along. Not that he isn't still K1's best friend but now K1 is just adoring this new person and K2 doesn't understand the relationship.

I've thought about counseling/anger management for him. I asked DrK to look into a therapist. I talked to the OT about it since she's seen several outbursts; she believes that, unlike K1's issues, it is behavioral and most likely a phase.

[ladymoreta]

I have really used a lot from Anthony Wolf's "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me". (Recommended by Spotty Dog - thanks!) His strategy has seemed to keep the rivalry to a minimum, but as you know, I only have two.

The gist of it is that they need to learn to work things out together without disturbing you. If they can't, the "punishment" is that they must be separated. I think it works because it keeps the parents less involved in their relationship, and it makes them focus on the goal of getting to play together.

[MrsK]

Yeah, but left to their own devices, K2 would literally kill her. She's less than half his size and preverbal.

[MrsK]

I do use the technique Laurie recommended with the boys and it is effective. I'm just concerned about K2 with Lambie because of their relative sizes and his strength. K1 and K2 are more evenly matched so I'm more inclined to let them duke it out if that's what they need to do and their reasoning /verbal skills are closer so they can negotiate. Lambie knows about 40 words so she's still like a caveman compared to the boys.

[ladymoreta]

Gotcha. Then I'd just come down hard with trying to separate them whenever they start showing aggression, but hopefully it's a phase they'll get past soon for all of your sanity.

[spotty_dog]

Yeah, but left to their own devices, K2 would literally kill her. She's less than half his size and preverbal.

Per the book that LM mentioned, the idea for this kind of discrepancy is that you as the parent take responsibility to prevent *harm* (which is distinct from *pain*). Your script is, "I will NOT permit anyone in this house to be harmed," and you move VERY swiftly. This is reassuring to the smaller one, but it's equally reassuring to the bigger one. He doesn't always know where the limit is or have control over how far he is pushing it, and it can be scary to him -- but relieving to his psyche to know that mom won't let him harm his sister.

It's not about a free-for-all death match, it's about making sure legitimate needs get met, instead of spending all your time being the arbiter of "fairness" and "turns".

[peggyfromwastate]

The thing that I would be concerned about is the here-and-now of the lack of impulse control and the size difference. For every altercation you see, there may be 10 that you don't. I really started to home in on this when I noticed dd6 starting to back away/flinch when ds11 walked by. He's much bigger than she and has taken taekwondo and is quite strong. It doesn't take much for a push to be dangerous. His counselor works on setting boundaries, recognizing his triggers, getting in touch with his emotions before things escalate. This is a work in progress-- I wish I'd started sooner. I noticed things that were beyond the "normal" sibling rivalry about 2 years before I started to seek outside help. Patterns were set in that time, and it's harder to break a pattern than establish a healthy routine.

Hugs- this is such a tough thing to work through.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Sibling Rivalry

After growing up in a house where we sent each other to the emergency room (purposely hurting each other), I have very low tolerance for them touching each other in a non loving way. I realize I don't have boys and that wrestling isn't as much a girl thing but I've made it pretty clear that you don't EVER push or hit your sister and it is very WRONG to intentionally hurt someone.

We are working on it because of course, impulse control, but they know I'm very serious.

[Pollyanna]

I've always liked "Siblings Without Rivalry". It's an oldie but a goodie.
We have also told the kiddos from a very young age that, "we are (insert last name) and (insert last name) cheer for other (insert last name)" It's a constant understanding even before they "get it".
Still some tend to bickering but I have nearly zero tolerance for that because of the unrest it causes in the family. Our middle two were best buds and then had a two-three year period of bickering and are finally coming out the other side.
It is most definitely exhausting to deal with but your persistence will pay off in the future!

[rufflesanddots]

DHs mom told her three sons from a young age that someday she an point d their Dad would be gone, but they'd always have each other so they'd better get along. Very intense from my of view (for a kid, at least).

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[MrsK]

DHs mom told her three sons from a young age that someday she an point d their Dad would be gone, but they'd always have each other so they'd better get along. Very intense from my of view (for a kid, at least).

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My mother said the same to my brothers. They still just don't see eye to eye. They love each other but they aren't buddies.

[Sheherezade]

My kids are thick as thieves but they bicker all the time. They could not be closer.

I remember clearly setting hard and fast no physical violence rules. I still have to enforce that sometimes when the 16 year old girl "playfully" kicks her 18 year old brother in the shin.

I'm sad to report that I DID negotiate between them for much of their early days. For us, that's what worked. It always escalated or created more tensions if they were left to sort it out for themselves. Too often "might made right".


Angie

[spotty_dog]

I'm sad to report that I DID negotiate between them for much of their early days. For us, that's what worked. It always escalated or created more tensions if they were left to sort it out for themselves. Too often "might made right".

You don't have to be sad, we all do what works for us and for the unique personalities we live with.