Am I offbase?

[Phoebe]

I realized the time I most enjoy with my daughter are reading books right before bedtimes. There aren't outside distractions, she is focused and sitting in one place. I love laying in bed with her before she falls asleep listening to her talk and telling her all the names of the people she knows who are sleeping so she will go to bed too.

Outside of those 30 to 45 minutes have been very chaotic lately. She is probably a normal 2.5 year old, but sometimes I wonder. I keep checking with friends to see if their children have gone through similar phases. Her latest is changing her mind every 5 seconds. Today we went round and round about her taking a bath. I told her that her sister was going to take a bath. She replied that she would like to take a bath also. I said, "OK". Then she immediate followed up with screaming, "I don't want to take a bath!". I said, "Fine, you don't have to take a bath". The she whined that she wanted to take a bath. We went back and forth for several minutes. What does she want from me? She ended up taking a bath. She does the same thing with food by asking for something and when I make it for her, she pushes it away and whines how she doesn't want it. All she wants to eat is crap like chips and candy (courtesy of her father!). I don't offer her sweets or chips and most of the time refuse her if she does ask. I feel very frustrated by her indecisiveness about everything. I give her choices and try to pick my battles on issues, but she drains my energy! I think I need a time out!

My second issue is discipline and motivation. I feel like I have to motivate my daughter to do most things like go to sleep, eat or get dressed. I don't know if this is appropriate. It seems to work for her, but I am constantly bargaining with her. If you want desert, you have to eat your lunch. If you want to go outside, you have to wear pants, shoes and socks (she would go naked if I allowed her out of the house like that). You can't play until you pick up the food you threw on the floor. If you don't pick up the food you threw on the floor, you will get a time out. These statements and ones like it are spoken repetitively. She is very much asserting her indepedence lately and I feel like an ogre because I am getting so frustrated at her opposition.

This is new territory for me. Sometimes I don't know how to get through to her. She is very good for other people, but not for us! She even went potty on the toilet for the first time at her MDO program and hasn't shown any interest at home. Sometimes she seems like a space cadet. A new study came out in the Journal of Pediatrics about television viewing and increased chances of attention problems in kids. I am sure my daughter doesn't have ADHD, but I wonder how much TV viewing has "rewired her brain" like they state in the article. She has especially watched lots of TV since the birth of her sister. I try to limit the amount she watches, but she asks to watch TV quite a bit. Sometimes I also need to get something done and the electronic babysitter keeps her occupied.

Does my kid sound wierd or am I just the insane one?

Jennifer

[mommax3]

Jennifer,

I think you are on the right track and the difficulties you are having are totally due to Avery's age and stage of development. The indecisiveness/mind-changing issue comes as they learn that they have choices......but sometimes it is hard for them to decide what they want. If the thing truly is something optional (like taking a bath at that particular time) then I think it is okay to let them figure it out, with maybe an admonition or confinement in their room if it turns into a big whine-fest.

If you want desert, you have to eat your lunch. If you want to go outside, you have to wear pants, shoes and socks (she would go naked if I allowed her out of the house like that). You can't play until you pick up the food you threw on the floor. If you don't pick up the food you threw on the floor, you will get a time out.

Sounds to me like you are just teaching her appropriate behavior! If you were bribing her with candy/videos/whatever to do every little thing, (everyone does this sometimes, right? ) it would be a different story, but what you are doing is just giving her a framework to live within, i.e. "we get dressed before we go outside" etc.

These statements and ones like it are spoken repetitively.

Yes, that is how it is with toddlers and preschoolers......actually, have you ever listened to a Kindergarten teacher talk to a class full of 5 and 6 year olds? Quite a lot of repetition there as well! Consistency is SO important at this age and it sounds like you are doing a great job.....I know it is exhausting. Gving them a routine and a way to order their day is really good for them and will benefit them for years to come. She will start taking ownership of the routine, too, probably in the next 6 to 8 months, and that will make things a little easier on this front, although it may get to the point where she totally freaks out if the routine is not followed! 8O Parenthood is never boring, that's for sure. By the way, I think that TV can fit into a routine and can provide both of you some needed downtime. As long as you are careful about what she sees and are making sure that she intersperses her tv watching with other activities, both by herself and with you, she will be okay.

About the potty training at MDO vs. when she is at home.....that was the case with my oldest as well.....I really don't think I had much to do with his potty training! 8O Just consider it progress and don't worry about where it happens. I also think it is totally normal that she would save her best behavior for when she is away from home......I heard once that children who do that are very secure about their parents' love and thus feel "safe" enough to cut loose. I don't know about the truth of that, but if nothing else, her behavior away from home shows that your work with her does have some effect.

Your kid is not weird, and you aren't insane, either! Just navigating some new waters. I really like the Touchpoints series by Brazelton and his take on stereotypical toddler behavior and how it relates to their stage of development......you may want to check out those books if you can find them at the library or something.....

Hang in there! I think you are doing great. Happy Mother's Day!

Sally

Happy Mother's Day, Jennifer!

I was recently in your shoes with my 3 1/2 year old daughter. I was thinking....didn't we do this at 2 1/2 (and 1 1/2)??? So....I know that doesn't exactly give you something to look forward to but know that she will outgrow this stage and will go in and out of these stages as she grows up.

There is a great book that is based on developmental norms for two year olds -- Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender by Louise Bates Ames. A friend of mine with a two year old daughter read it and found it really helpful so I checked out the one for three year olds. It really helped me understand how her behavior was developmentally appropriate (not necessarily acceptable, but appropriate to her age). Anyway, I felt that I wasn't make some sort of huge parenting mistake and that everything going on was pretty normal AND that she would grow out of it. The book is old so the language is a little dated. It's a quick read.

I think the way you're handling things is totally reasonable and will pay off. Just hang in there!

I forgot one other thing -- I like this series of books because it reminded me of some of the positive and enjoyable aspects of developmental stages as well as the difficult ones.

[peggyfromwastate]

I would echo what everyone is saying.... We went through this very hard core with our oldest. We found that just in the last year or so 8O things have gotten much better. She is unusually strong-willed though. With the twins, I have lots less patience for giving choices. I have really not given them many options. I gave my oldest options on everything (what to wear, which veggie to eat, which cup to drink from, etc.) and it took forever to get through anything. With the twins, they are given their food. If they eat it, then sometimes I'll give them a cookie, or some whipped topping with strawberries, or whatever treat. They understand the cause and effect of behavior to treat, but they also feel compelled at times to flip out and just rebel. Recently this has meant Izzy didn't get a cookie, and Steven did, because he ate his chicken. This also has meant that Steven has missed out on the playing part of bath, because he didn't want to get in, and instead just got the hair wash part. I just don't have the energy to chase them around anymore and/or try to convince. I will always try to give them a "saving face" type of an option though. When they are really grounded in that they are absolutely not going to do something, I'll give them another something they can agree to do, then they will think I've forgotten that they were not going to do the initial thing, and they go ahead and do it... For instance, with the bath thing and Steven, I'll say, OK, you don't want your bath, so you just stay out there and Izzy will have fun with all of the toys. (Steven screams.) Then, a few minutes later, I'll offer him a bath toy, especially one that needs water to be fun. Then I'll ask him if he can show me how it works, in the bath. He saves face by doing me the great honor of demonstrating how the whale can squirt water at the wall of the bathroom...

Oh well-- it sounds like you two have a great routine at bedtime and I just wouldn't worry about the rest of it so much. You can definitely pick your battles, and there will probably be many more battles ahead than you have now. I had a much harder time with battles when Kate was 3 and even 4. 2 was easy in comparison... BUT as you know all kids are different! good luck!

(PS I don't think TV for most people is that bad. The problem with studies like that one is that it tends to focus on one issue-- such as number of hrs of tv the kids are watching. This kind of negates the living circumstances for those kids who are watching, at age 3, more than 6 hr of tv a day. They are not being cared for in general, read to ever, and usually are not watching kids shows even... They watch whatever is on the black box b/c that's what the "family" is doing. I have nephews and nieces who easily watch this much TV a day, and about 3 or 4 hrs of it is "professional wrestling"... This is not the only thing developmentally hindering these kids, that's for sure...)

[SueC]

I think your daughter sounds an awful lot like my second child Jenn!!! The indecisiveness thing really drives me nuts. I don't know if I'm dealing with it the best way but I first make absolutely sure I undestand what she is saying ("you do want you waffle cut up?") and then I carry out that request. If she changes her mind, though cookies! If she doesn't eat the waffle because she decided she doesn't want it cut up, then I guess she doesn't eat breakfast. I feel kind of mean when the tears come on (and they always do), but I don't want to get into the habit of tap dancing for her to make her happy. She is doing this to my husband in the mornings before he leaves for work, and he is taking my approach. They go through this routine where he tries to hug and kiss her before he leaves, she refuses, he starts to walk away, and she runs after him screaming. Twice now she hasn't gotten her kiss and although she was broken-hearted I think we might be getting somewhere. I do recognize that we all should get to change our mind occasionally, but it gets a little old when it happens over every little thing.
I use the same strategy that you do to get her to eat, pick up toys, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with it--we all respond to positive reinforcement. My sisters are in sales and you better believe that the possibility of earning a big bonus is a huge motivator for them to get off their butts and sell their product. I think as long as you don't get into the habit of bribing them for everything that should just be expected of them, then you are fine. They shouldn't learn to expect a prize over every little thing they do. I hope I don't sound like I'm contradicting myself--I guess I'm saying I think bribery is OK in moderation!
Good luck Jenn! I think this is a particularly tough age (though I think I say that for every new stage we enter!). My older child I am now realizing was a pice of cake during this age and rarely gave me any trouble at all, so her little sister has me often scratching my head wondering what in the heck to do with her!

[Phoebe]

I reserved those books through my library. Thanks. I hope that doing some reading will help me refocus my energy on being a more effective parent. I have been struggling with my daughter lately. She is very obstinate and getting anything done with her takes so much extra time. Her big hot spots are getting dressed and getting into the car. She runs away from me which is a PITA when we are in a hurry. She never wants to wear any of her clothes and hates getting buckled into the car seat. Ugh! Probably all normal things. Sometimes I just look at her and feel in awe that she has grown so much. Other times I find myself boiling with frustration. These extremes are overwhelming. It has been harder with the two kids because I am constantly interrupted.

Sally- I have a hard time sticking to a set schedule, especially with DH's work schedule changing all the time. I have started talking more about what our day entails and that has seemed to help. Avery has appreciated the schedule they follow at MDO. What kind of schedule to you keep?

Thanks for the suggestions.

Jennifer

[mommax3]

Jennifer,

You asked what kind of schedule I keep.....a VERY loose one!
It has been shot to hell lately with all of the "special" end of school activities going on with the older two, but usually it looks something like this for Nathan:

Up between 6:30 and 7:00. Breakfast is dry cereal on his booster seat tray and orange juice, maybe a banana, too. We are out the door by 7:40 to take the older two to school.....most days he is finished eating and is dressed by this time, but sometimes he goes in his jammies. We come straight back home and walk in around 8:00. He watches Clifford on PBS and finishes his dry cereal out of a sandwich bag if he has any left.
I eat my breakfast, clean up the kitchen and boys' rooms, check the computer, and leave for the gym around 9:00 on days he doesn't have preschool.....on preschool days, we leave to take him to school around 8:45. I am usually at the gym for about an hour. Sometimes we stop at the grocery store on the way home. We're usually home by 10:30. Sometimes we play in the backyard for a while at this point (we will do that more often since it will be too hot later on) or he plays with toys in his room while I start laundry/take a shower/whatever. If he won't play by himself, he "helps" me do laundry, or watches a video in my bedroom if I am taking a shower. Sesame Street comes on here at 11:00, but we don't always watch it from the beginning......but we usually turn it on around 11:30 so he can watch Elmo's World while he eats lunch. After Sesame Street, he usually takes a nap, but that is starting to change.....sometimes I wait until 1:00 to put him down, or sometimes he doesn't go down at all and falls asleep in the car while I am picking up the boys around 3. That's always pretty. 8O From about 3:15 on, I am basically in survival mode, so I do whatever works. That means videos and snacks (string cheese, cut up apples, sometimes a cookie) mostly. Some days, all three boys go in the backyard with popsicles and play for a while, which is great. Sometimes I make my oldest read Nathan stories, which works for 15 minutes or so.

The routine is nothing special, but the knowledge of what to expect seems to help him. He knows that as soon as Sesame Street is over, we are going to at least discuss naptime....until about 6 weeks ago, there was no discussion, and he would be yawning away as the credits rolled.....but all good things must come to an end!

Hope this helps!

By the way, DH is pretty serious about a job in Avon, Indiana....just west of Indpls in Hendricks county. I will keep you posted!

Sally