Talking about a pet's death

[OrionGrad]

My parents' cat is very, very old and sick, and my mom just told me she's not sure how much longer she'll be around. Although we don't go to my parents house that much, the boys see the cat (and specifically ask about her) every time we do FaceTime. They also talk about her on a daily basis. How do you handle the loss of a pet with a 3.5 year old and 1.5 year old?? DS1 is already going through a lot right now, and I'm worried if we handle this the wrong way we're going to mess him up.

[Michele]

Someone (@Pollyanna maybe) recommended a faith based book if you are inclined. I usually talk about pet death the same way as I do about human death. I don't say "put to sleep" I say "euthanized" and "helped die" And I think most kids like the idea of a funeral/celebration of life....talk about good memories and say a prayer/blessing/words to the universe and maybe plant some flowers or bush on the pets memory (at your parents place the next time they visit). In my experience, kids talk about dead pets a lot and in very direct and matter of fact ways that often makes adults uncomfortable. I try to keep their same level of matter-of-factness and try not to attach additional emotions they may or may not ready/want to deal with. I think all kids connect with a "heaven" type place for pets even if you don't believe in heaven.

[OrionGrad]

Do you think we should say anything about the cat dying because she was old, or will that cause him to worry about the rest of us getting old and dying, too?

[oceanchild]

DS's great grandmother died last summer, shortly after he turned 2. DH did: "Oma got sick and she died. She went to heaven, so we can't see her anymore." We did not talk about being old, or other people eventually going to heaven too. It was also important to DH that we use the word died. Before that point, we saw Oma about once every month or two, so not all the time but somewhat frequently. It took a lot of repeating that sequence, but it stopped coming up after a few months.

So I don't have any pet experience, but maybe that's a little bit useful.

[Pollyanna]

We are pretty matter of fact about death in general. In this case I really don't see a reason to even bring it up though. If they ask for her I would say she just isn't feeling well today. If they press I would say that the cat died. She lived a very very long life for a kitty and she is at peace. Now as Catholics we don't believe animals have souls but we (the we is my family) do believe we will be reunited with our beloved pets in heaven (many Catholics will scoff at this but whatever). So we talk about the whole enchilada, about death, about our faith, about how its okay to be sad. Then we move on. For your age kiddos it would probably be a 3-5 minute conversation followed by hugs and maybe ice cream

[OrionGrad]

Thanks so much for the different ideas. J asks to see the cat every time we FaceTime, which is nearly every day, so we won't be able to get away with just not mentioning her for long. But I like the advice to use straightforward terminology and I think we'll start prepping him now by mentioning she's sick, not feeling well, etc.
I just want to protect both my boys from ever being sad or disappointed, and I'm slowly learning that's not always possible. Nor is it good in the long run, I realize, but that doesn't change the way it feels.

[Michele]

Teaching them HOW to cope with sadness and disappointment is so much more important!! but yeah it hurts.

[ladymoreta]

We've also been very matter-of-fact about pets' deaths. (My parents had a dog and a horse pass away over the last few years.) It's been fine. We've had some questions about heaven and death, but not many. We have a book called Lifetimes that is really great.

[joyce123]

Don't worry about it. They are too small to be emotionally unstable for a long time. Things will get well soon.