Empty Nest

[Melindaf]

Currently finding myself in the middle of this. I had been preparing myself from the time our eldest left for university, thinking I only had two years before our son left. I was pleasantly surprised in September 2016 when both were away at school that I was fine. I actually enjoyed not having the worry that comes along with parenting two adult children. While they were at school, I didn't worry about what time they were coming home, what they were eating and how much sleep they were getting. We raised them to be independent and it helped knowing that. I actually liked spending time with myself. Unfortunately this all changed over Christmas break. Our daughter when she left, still called, still came home for weekends and pretty much stayed the same, our son (the youngest) went from being my little boy to being an adult, not needing mom or dad. The change I saw in him, although what most parents want to see in their children, made me feel old and unwanted. I had a very hard time dealing with the loneliness. My husband and I had many hearts to hearts. We had to adjust our relationship during this empty nest syndrome. It turns out he was feeling somewhat similar feelings. We had spent the last few years focusing on the children and it felt like we were more like business partners. We decided to start dating again. 2017 New Years resolutions were simple this year. Weekly dates, at least 1 dinner together a week and once a week we cook together, try a new recipe, open a bottle or two of wine and have some fun in the kitchen. Our relationship has gotten more intimate, more hand holding and definitely more snuggling. we are actually looking forward to September when the kids go back to school and we don't have to close the door! Although, his parents will be moving in for about 10 months while their condo is ready so not sure how that will be ��

[PrincessFiona]

We currently have all 5 kiddos living at home, but 2 of the 3 oldest ones are likely moving out in the Fall (One is on the fence.) I have to say that I secretly look forward to the time that all 3 of the oldest are gone. They are rarely home, but make messes when they do. They start their laundry and never finish it so to keep things moving, I end up doing their work. They make food at 1 a.m. and leave the mess on the once clean counters. It is aggravating. It's also hard to interest them in family activities. They're never home for dinner because they work 2nd shift.
I look forward to them moving out and taking their mess and their laundry with them.

What I miss, is our family trips in the summer....our nightly meals....family games and fun. They are busy becoming adults and right now that means spending time with their friends and at work. I miss what we had. I can't manage to get the whole family together in a room for 5 minutes. I don't know what to do with myself. I got a job, but that doesn't fill the hole. I lay in bed at night now and fantasize about tricking my whole family into getting in the car at night and then driving them off to our cabin where they can't escape. I actually tried it one Friday night at 11pm but they were all on to me that I was up to something. LOL. I spent most of my adult life raising little ones. Now that they're older ... I have to figure out how to adapt.

Kris

Currently finding myself in the middle of this. I had been preparing myself from the time our eldest left for university, thinking I only had two years before our son left. I was pleasantly surprised in September 2016 when both were away at school that I was fine. I actually enjoyed not having the worry that comes along with parenting two adult children. While they were at school, I didn't worry about what time they were coming home, what they were eating and how much sleep they were getting. We raised them to be independent and it helped knowing that. I actually liked spending time with myself. Unfortunately this all changed over Christmas break. Our daughter when she left, still called, still came home for weekends and pretty much stayed the same, our son (the youngest) went from being my little boy to being an adult, not needing mom or dad. The change I saw in him, although what most parents want to see in their children, made me feel old and unwanted. I had a very hard time dealing with the loneliness. My husband and I had many hearts to hearts. We had to adjust our relationship during this empty nest syndrome. It turns out he was feeling somewhat similar feelings. We had spent the last few years focusing on the children and it felt like we were more like business partners. We decided to start dating again. 2017 New Years resolutions were simple this year. Weekly dates, at least 1 dinner together a week and once a week we cook together, try a new recipe, open a bottle or two of wine and have some fun in the kitchen. Our relationship has gotten more intimate, more hand holding and definitely more snuggling. we are actually looking forward to September when the kids go back to school and we don't have to close the door! Although, his parents will be moving in for about 10 months while their condo is ready so not sure how that will be ��

[PrincessFiona]

I find that I neglected "me" while raising children. I didn't go out for wine/coffee with the moms as much as I could have. I didn't join the Mom's Club, which in retrospect was a mistake. Now, I'm trying to reinvest in friendships that I neglected (or we both neglected with parenting stress). I've been lucky to restart some friendships that I set aside. Starting over at 47 is a little tricky.

um. My oldest is starting his senior year so I'm watching this closely. For reasons that exceed just empty nesting, I have taken the last few months to "get back to me". I've been going out at least once a week as an adult, preferably with brand new people. I've taken up a new hobby that I'm crazy about. I looked around and there was no denying that I'm moving into a new stage so I guess I'm trying to figure out what I want it to look like. I will tell you that I will mourn the loss of the original in tact family for quite sometime. I guess that means that I had a lot of love and joy and I should feel lucky for having it. I can't always force my head to take that positive view though. It is a loss.

You figure out how to do it and coach me along.

[Melindaf]

I can relate to the messy kitchen, lost / neglected friends and having to start over at 46. Our son seems to make himself dinner 3 times a day. He loves to cook, and is really good, but he uses every pot in the kitchen and leaves them on the counter, stove or sink. Our daughter will grab a beer / coke after work and just leaves the empties throughout the house, not bothering to put it away before grabbing another one. I feel like I spend my entire time keeping the kitchen clean. I really have myself to blame though, apparently we didn't make them do dishes enough while they were younger. We "lost" our social life when our son went to university. He played hockey and my husband coached all his teams. We became very close to the parents. The hockey Mom's were my social outlet when it didn't involve work or the hospital. Once our sons hockey ended, our social life took a big hit. It's been a year, and we haven't gotten together on a regular basis. I need to make more of an effort to meet up for lunch or drinks, it just seems like everyone is too busy. I am 46 and I knew that I need to reinvent myself. I know I don't want to go back to work, no way after 15 years do I want to start at the bottom again. I enjoy being free to travel for conferences (I go to absolutely every conference with my husband, I love it). The kids still love travelling with us, so we are lucky in that. I do work, but for my husband. I do the financial aspects of his practice, both corporate and personal taxes, all travel plans for him and his colleagues and I plan his conferences, reunions (currently planning a past fellows Reunion in Maui for 70 people). Despite it, I don't feel the same sense of accomplishment as I did when I worked. I know everyone appreciates it, but there's something about receiving a pay raise or a bonus cheque for a job well done. I am the one who decides our payroll. Some months I will hike my pay, depending on cash flow and balancing our personal taxes owed. My husband signs the cheques with a smile "do I get one this time?"

I think over all, once I stopped focusing on what I was losing and started looking forward to the positive, empty nest seems doesn't feel so bad. I am excited about rediscovering myself and rediscovering my relationship with my husband.

[spaz]

Yep right there with several of you. Oh..the messes. But really, I trained them NOT to do that. I swear, but all of the coming in and out... Messes left. Yep, so irritating. I do love my job and look forward to it starting back in August.. However, the reconnecting with spouse...not so good. We are taking time, but I don't know, we just don't really connect. Our sex life stinks. So much silence between the two of us. We don't fight, never really have. We were in the car for 24 hours this past weekend. ( Went to an event 12 hours away.) We talked a little, but mostly silence, listening to radio/podcasts, etc. We didn't make love once at the hotel. It was a fun weekend though. I haven't laughed that long in a long time. The event was very meaningful and it was nice to talk with others and listen to the great stories.

[Melindaf]

��spaz, I wish I could offer any sort of comfort for you, unfortunately I can't. I am not sure anything I offer will be not enough. Only you can figure that out. I can say with a certainty, that relationships can be reignited - I am feeling more for my spouse than I have in a long time, there's a connection, a kindred spirit. The one true aspect is that we were both needing it from each other. I hope you find your "peace". I hate being the one to initiate, but have you felt the need to "start" things? Is this something you want and afraid that your partner doesn't? Or are you afraid to initiate in case you are denied?? You might need to be the one to make the "move". I can't promise that initiating things will work out, but at least you know you tried. I wish you all the love and the happiness in the world!

[houseelf]

Thank God for your honesty here. I'm not sure I could take a well-intentioned, "Well, you could make them clean up after themselves..." Wow, I've never thought of that. (Snarky, I know, but there it is). I swear I taught them how to do it all and bred them for independence. Their timelines of getting stuff done and their standards of cleanliness is different. (Full disclosure...oldest is 17....not even where you're at so feel to scoff at me). It's a weird stage for them and it's a weird stage for us. Just commiserating.

[rufflesanddots]

Do the people who say those things have teens / young adults?

Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk

[PrincessFiona]

Do the people who say those things have teens / young adults?

Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk

Not in my experience.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk