We blew it

[rufflesanddots]

Like JDaz and ST I still carry some scars from my tween/teen years and insensitive comments made by my parents and peers. I still love my parents very much and it was comparatively such a blip on otherwise strong parenting, so I hope you can forgive yourself, Kris. I think it can be really powerful for parents to admit when they've messed up and slowly introduce kids to the concept of adults being fallible and also kids as participants in their healthcare. There is a way forward from this, I'm just not totally sure what it is.

If the ED practice is full, what about reaching out to a pediatric nutritionist for advice and potential management of developing healthier eating habits? It could help to have an outsider educate the whole family and let Zoe have a more active role (if she's open to it, of course).

[medpedspouse]

Tip-toeing because I can only provide my perspective as a child. I also heard the you are getting chunky, fat, put on some weight comments from one grandmother and one great aunt. The great aunt meant well - the grandmother not so much. Interestingly, even at that age, I could determine (feel) negative or positive intent. I wonder what Z would say if you asked for her thoughts on why you and T would be discussing her weight...the positive intent. I do not feel scarred about what was said. However, I believe the biggest gift my mom gave me was not ever focusing on her own weight/body shape, etc. Putting on weight/getting bigger (for me) is not a negative connotation...it is just an objective fact. I actually never had a scale in my home growing up and never thought to get one as an adult until recently - DH wanted one.
As I pass middle age, I am having to come to terms that my body is changing yet again. I was just thinking last night if this is the weight I am going to be now...wondering for how long. I've never had a flat stomach even when I was a size zero. I thought about it for a sec and thought nah, I love wine, bread and cheese too much.

Kris, I do not think you blew it. I am sure the texts were not mean spirited...I wonder if it created an opportunity to have a conversation with your kiddo?

[diggitydot]

Instead of focusing on losing weight, focus on healthy eating habits and activity. Let her pick healthy lunch options to pack the night before. Let her help meal plan using Pinterest to find healthy meals that she can help make. Encourage physical play as fun.

She's at an age where bodies are changing. It's OK.

[diggitydot]

Oh, also -- focus on the cool shit her body can do. That's a huge help versus focusing on what she can't do or what limits she might have due to ability or body shape.

[MAPPLEBUM]

I did Weight Watchers with my mom when I was 11-12. I was not all that body conscious but it felt good to lose weight. And it was an activity we did together. I wish we'd stuck with it (gained it back pretty immediately after stopping)

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[peggyfromwastate]

Have you had any progress? Any conversations? You are insanely busy!!!! I know!!

Hugs to you both!!! Go easy on yourself- you are not making her run by the car a la Mad Men!!!

[PrincessFiona]

I've just handled this so much more poorly than I ever thought I would. I've back pedaled, told her Google didn't translate the text correctly, and reassured her she isn't fat. She looks at her body when she showers and nearly begs me to tell her she is fat. I feel like I'm not being honest and she knows it. We all know when we're overweight. I have tried talking about being healthy and exercising. If I don't include Aidan in the conversation and insist the family be more healthy, she thinks I'm calling her fat. If I say no to stopping at McDonald's, I'm calling her fat. 😰. We talked and she said in the past year, each of her siblings have repeatedly told her she's fat. 😡. I'm so angry. I have pointed out how beautiful she is and how strong she is ... the amazing things her body does, and what I love about who she is. But. She still worries about being fat. She is fat. I don't want her to struggle with weight like I do. I worry. And then I worry because she worries.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

What does SHE think about her weight when asked directly? What really matters is how she feels in her own body.

Does she feel strong and confident? Or does she feel uncomfortable?

I feel like your job is to gently push back if she's got an inaccurate perception of her weight but it sounds like she might know she's overweight and not know what to do.

Once she decides she is/is not happy with her weight, you have an opening to talk about making changes if she wants. You'll be honest with her that change is hard but it is possible if you're unhappy with your body. You can be realistic that she won't look like Kate Moss but she can look like a fitter version of herself. And if she's happy with her weight, then that's fine too and you may do more damage than good trying to press the issue.

But what do I know? My oldest is 5 and I have struggled with disordered eating my whole life.


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[PrincessFiona]

She thinks she's fat and she feels uncomfortable. I just don't know how to tactfully approach it. I've told her her body is beautiful and is going through changes. I suggested we exercise together to be healthier. I've stopped buying almost any junk food. She gains weight because she eats huge portions. If I tell her to slow down and limit her portion she says it's because she's fat.


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[spotty_dog]

She thinks she's fat and she feels uncomfortable. I just don't know how to tactfully approach it. I've told her her body is beautiful and is going through changes. I suggested we exercise together to be healthier. I've stopped buying almost any junk food. She gains weight because she eats huge portions. If I tell her to slow down and limit her portion she says it's because she's fat.

I feel like Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility applies here. You are responsible for what, when, where.
She is responsible for how much and whether. Crossing those boundaries affects her autonomy and her ability to build her own relationship with food.

http://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/htf/iwco1.php might be super useful for you guys.

[houseelf]

I got nothing. You know I went through this.
She was always at the highest weight in the normal range. She had a tummy and ate like a lumberjack as fast as she could. My boys are underweight and have abs that are cut and eat anything and everything in sight.

One year, she grew 4 inches, got boobs, and hips and thinned out. She started caring. She does yoga and tumbling and cheer. She eats the healthiest in the family. She has a figure to die for.

Although I agonized over it, I had very little control except to remind her to slow down and decrease food availability. With her there is a *touch* of anxiety that I think drove the quick eating, that's all I can figure out.

I just have lots of commiseration. There is no way to win. Big hugs.

[metroguy]

must be a girl thing..
i would not lie.. if she ask if she's fat.. i would say yes. the post make it like it a shameful thing.. it's part of life--some people will be fat, and some will be skinny-- the law of averages..
it's best not be a shame of who she is. she is who she is. if she wants to diet, let her. if doesn't that's also ok.
and yes peer pressure is bad. tell if if her friends make fun of her, she needs better friends (and family too)

[peggyfromwastate]

One thing that's helped my kids who take way way way too big of portions is that I serve the food on the kitchen counter and they have to make a plate and take the food to the table to eat. It makes it easier to put vegetables on the plate, to keep bread/rice consumption down, and makes overall serving sizes smaller.

That being said...

When my daughter started putting on some weight after her growth spurt slowed down, she felt so frustrated and had no idea what to do. She wanted to calorie count, to diet, to do all this stuff. But she was only about 14. I told her that since she wasn't obese, just somewhat above weight per the charts, and was still active/not completely grown yet, that dieting and calorie restricting wasn't a good idea.

Instead, I encouraged her to always sit down for a snack. If she wanted a snack, she needed to get a protein in there too, and only eat sitting down at the table.

She drinks a lot of water, which is helpful. (Does not like any other drink really besides water.).

Overeating at dinner has been an ongoing issue-- bc we were running out of food lol. So I instituted a "serving of vegetables" before you can have seconds of the main course. I did this mostly for my 16 year old and my super super skinny 13 year old son-- bc they both tend to overeat the main course and can get competitive trying to get "the most" food.

So with having the food up on the counter (having to walk up there to make a plate) and enforcing the extra vegetable rule, this has slowed down my kids enough that their bodies can feel "full" before they have overeaten.

It's so hard. I would come down pretty hard on the other kids for calling a sibling "fat".