Bullies?

[MrsK]

How much do you get involved when grade school kids complain about bullies? K1 is socially immature and sometimes doesn't fit in. There is a new kid in his class who transferred from a private school. K1 says the kid has been provoking him, taunting him about his occupational therapy, poking him, and trying to pull his pants down during a school assembly.

The kid's mom lives in our neighborhood. She is the room mom and really wants to fit in. She came to a reception at my house and I don't think she'll be my new bff but she's okay.

K1 wants me to help him make a list of his complaints and bring them to the school guidance counselor. He wants me to talk to the kid's mom. He wants to be separated from this kid. I've asked him if he's talked to the teacher about it and he's noncommittal.

I know that sometimes K1 causes social conflict so I don't want to jump to the conclusion that everything he reports is 100% accurate. I sent a casual email to the teacher saying that K1 mentioned he's having trouble getting along with this kid and asking her to tell me what she's observed. This was her response:

"Hi -I’ve noticed that [k1] is using several strategies to handle his frustration with his peers.* I will continue to encourage him to problem solve and remind him that I am a resource and he can come to me.* At this point I feel things are under control and being handled.* Thanks.* I appreciate your support!"

K1 definitely does not feel things are under control and I'm not satisfied with her response. I don't want to "fight his battles" but I think he still needs an advocate. At the very least, I want to know what's happening so I can help him work on strategies at home. How should I proceed? Am I out of line to be annoyed with her response? Or do I just defer to her?

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[Thirteen]

I would reply back that while her response is encouraging (she thinks he's handling it well), you need her to know the offenses he's mentioned and additionally, that he is asking for help. This should reframe the entire conversation.
Our school has a zero tolerance policy: I would be asking for tangible suggestions as to how she plans to implement change so this can stop.

If she has no other ideas or steps to try, I would gather his crew and have a meeting with the school rep, the teacher, any other professionals, and address this.

He doesn't feel safe, and it sounds like he feels all out targeted. Depantsing a kid at the age where privacy and body autonomy really kicks in is very cruel.


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[alotofyarn]

I would be annoyed with her response too. I think thirteen's response sounds good.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I would lead with “he’s asking for help”. That doesn’t question her judgment but indicates that more is needed...


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[MrsK]

I would lead with “he’s asking for help”. That doesn’t question her judgment but indicates that more is needed...


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I wrote back to the teacher telling her that K1 doesn't think it's under control. I outlined some of his grievances and the intervention he's requested from me. Her response was that although she thought the school was handling the situation well, the bottom line is that K1 does not think so. She acknowledged that must be addressed. She described the school's standard protocol (which is a social script K1 has memorized but he has no idea what to do if the other child is not following the script) and she described her plan to address the matter with K1, inform the PE coach, and follow up with me later in the week. I further explained some of the difficulties K1 has with social cues and how he sometimes treats social situations like math problems where he expects predictable and consistent reactions from his peers (which is unreasonable on his part). I feel much better.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I wrote back to the teacher telling her that K1 doesn't think it's under control. I outlined some of his grievances and the intervention he's requested from me. Her response was that although she thought the school was handling the situation well, the bottom line is that K1 does not think so. She acknowledged that must be addressed. She described the school's standard protocol (which is a social script K1 has memorized but he has no idea what to do if the other child is not following the script) and she described her plan to address the matter with K1, inform the PE coach, and follow up with me later in the week. I further explained some of the difficulties K1 has with social cues and how he sometimes treats social situations like math problems where he expects predictable and consistent reactions from his peers (which is unreasonable on his part). I feel much better.

Wow, I love her response. Totally accurate and intuitive on her part. The school policy sounds like it's being implemented but she recognizes that it's not enough and is open to feedback and working with you. I can't imagine a more fantastic outcome. This makes me giddy for his experience in the class this year that his teacher responded this way!! Go you for handling it sensitively and advocating for him.

[MrsK]

Wow, I love her response. Totally accurate and intuitive on her part. The school policy sounds like it's being implemented but she recognizes that it's not enough and is open to feedback and working with you. I can't imagine a more fantastic outcome. This makes me giddy for his experience in the class this year that his teacher responded this way!! Go you for handling it sensitively and advocating for him.

Yeah. I've heard really good things about this teacher. But I was reserving judgment because she's been very formal and distant with me. She says she is trying to teach K1 to advocate for himself, which I think is totally understandable and necessary at his age. But I also know that K1 has some social delays that are not immediately obvious, especially because he gets along so much better with adults than he does with his peers. Her initial response felt like she was closing me out but her follow up was fantastic.

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[MrsK]

Yeah. I've heard really good things about this teacher. But I was reserving judgment because she's been very formal and distant with me. She says she is trying to teach K1 to advocate for himself, which I think is totally understandable and necessary at his age. But I also know that K1 has some social delays that are not immediately obvious, especially because he gets along so much better with adults than he does with his peers. Her initial response felt like she was closing me out but her follow up was fantastic.

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I was also concerned because K2 has been having trouble with bullies too. There is one boy in his class who the teacher says has been a problem for several of the kids including K2. But then there was also an episode where K2 misinterpreted a bigger kid's attempt at friendship and accused the kid of picking on him. He got the guidance counselor involved. I know the kid well and there is no way this mousy kid is picking on him. I happen to be close to the kid's mom too so I worked it out with her and let the teacher know. I don't want to be the mom who cried wolf.

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[Thirteen]

Good on you for keeping tabs on it -- I would still watch, but encourage K1 to keep at it.



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[Meenah]

You are such an amazing MOM!!!!

[alotofyarn]

That's great!

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[MrsK]

So, K1 and the boy ended up in the principal's office yesterday. According to K1, his teacher took K1 aside and asked about his complaints. She took notes and sent the class to the library. While they were there, the teacher must have gone to the guidance counselor. K1 and the boy were called to the principal and the guidance counselor was already there when they arrived. K1 was told to sit in the hall while they met with the other boy. Then k1 was called in and they all met together.

The principal emailed me about what happened next. She says that both boys had complaints. Mostly, the other boy complained that k1 sits too close to him, touches him too often. This is typical sensory seeking behaviour for k1. The other boy has been "unkind" to k1 and poked him with a pencil among other things about which she was not specific The principal said k1 was very frustrated and said he doesn't think he could ever be friends with the boys.

The principal and guidance counselor talked to the boys about personal space and everyone agreed to separate the boys. The principal gave K1 "special permission" to get up and walk away from the boy if he is bothering him.

I also had K1 discuss it with his OT. She talked to him about getting away and calming himself if the boy bothers him.

Then, just last night, I heard that a very popular boy in the class had a confrontation with the same boy. Apparently, he hit the boy over the head with a book when he saw him trying to look up girls' skirts. This, coupled with K1's statement that the boy tried to pull his pants down, is troubling. I don't think the popular boy reported the confrontation or was disciplined for it. But I'm now glad I got the principal involved. I also feel confident that K1 isn't having trouble with other kids, as the teacher's initial "frustration with peers" response suggested.

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[Thirteen]

Bet you this new kid got kicked out of private school... unfortunate, but based on what you’re telling me... :/


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