Gift Giving and Receiving...

[MrsK]

My mother has some concerns about how my kids, ages 4, 6, and 8, receive and give gifts. She typically presents them with an assortment of unwrapped gifts that are, frankly, kind of odd. Like tissues with kitties on them because they pet a cat once or second hand coloring books with markings on them. My boys do a decent job of accepting the gifts and may even be enthusiastic about one or two. They have even bragged to their other grandparents (the ones who bring the fanciest and most expensive gifts) that my mom gives the best gifts. However, my daughter (4yo) kind of treats my mom's gifts more like offerings that she can accept or reject. Frankly, she was just bratty about Hannukah gifts. Naturally, mom is offended.

I've privately discussed this with my daughter. She writes thank you notes and even wrote an apology not to my mom for her rejection of the Hannukah gifts.

I've tried to explain to my mom that a single wrapped gift would probably be better received. The ettiquite is just more obvious and I'd be happy to do the wrapping for her. She really thinks she's giving the kids a thoughtful bounty though.

She also says the kids should be earning money for chores so they can buy gifts for her.

I told her the kids do chores because they are part of the household and not for remuneration. The boys do use tooth fairy money to buy small gifts for each other, their sister, and for us from their school store. I figured Lambie would start in kindergarten too once she has an idea of what money is. But, for now, the kids are mostly still in the macaroni necklace/draw a picture stage of gift giving and they do that for her.

I was never paid for chores and didn't buy gifts for my parents until I had an allowance. Maybe middle school? My brothers only gave my parents gifts when I shopped for them right through college. So, I'm not sure why my mom is suggesting this while my kids are in 2nd grade, kindergarten, and preschool.

How do your kids handle giving and receiving gifts with their grandparents? Gratitude is obviously necessary and should be learned as soon as possible. But what about reciprocity? Do your kids buy gifts?

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[SoonerTexan]

Haha, this reminds me of my dear Great-Aunt. Actually, she has some of the same hoarder-ish tendencies as your mom. Maybe there's something going on there. Thankfully, she was never around to see us open the gifts, but man they were random. Stuff pulled from her "closet room" from years of shopping. Random pantyhose, books about European countries, household items with a chip or crack in them, postcard books, fancy handbags for 8 year olds, hankies, the like. At least there was usually European chocolate! I cant remember the rest of my wedding gift from her, but it did include a collection of 3 (mismatched) silver spoons. We learned to just send a thank you note and move on. At your children's age, it would have been a lot more difficult in person.

The boys are probably old enough to just say thank you and move on. Haha, actually before N's birthday party, I tested her.

"What do you say if you don't like it?"
"Thank you"
"What do you say if you already have one?"
"Thank you"
"What do you say if two people give you the same gift?"
"Thank you"

Now the 3 year olds are a different story. #2s answers were
"I don't like it"
"I already have this"
"But someone gave me one"

I'm sure Lambie will learn the fine art of politely lying her way through gift acceptance in a year or two

As for buying my parents gifts, that happened when we had regular income. Usually babysitting in mid-late middle school. Although the males in my family don't seem to get the memo until there is a girlfriend or wife involved. Gifts from one brother dramatically improved when he got married. As in, they actually happened.

[MrsK]

Haha, this reminds me of my dear Great-Aunt. Actually, she has some of the same hoarder-ish tendencies as your mom. Maybe there's something going on there. Thankfully, she was never around to see us open the gifts, but man they were random. Stuff pulled from her "closet room" from years of shopping. Random pantyhose, books about European countries, household items with a chip or crack in them, postcard books, fancy handbags for 8 year olds, hankies, the like. At least there was usually European chocolate! I cant remember the rest of my wedding gift from her, but it did include a collection of 3 (mismatched) silver spoons. We learned to just send a thank you note and move on. At your children's age, it would have been a lot more difficult in person.

The boys are probably old enough to just say thank you and move on. Haha, actually before N's birthday party, I tested her.

"What do you say if you don't like it?"
"Thank you"
"What do you say if you already have one?"
"Thank you"
"What do you say if two people give you the same gift?"
"Thank you"

Now the 3 year olds are a different story. #2s answers were
"I don't like it"
"I already have this"
"But someone gave me one"

I'm sure Lambie will learn the fine art of politely lying her way through gift acceptance in a year or two

As for buying my parents gifts, that happened when we had regular income. Usually babysitting in mid-late middle school. Although the males in my family don't seem to get the memo until there is a girlfriend or wife involved. Gifts from one brother dramatically improved when he got married. As in, they actually happened.

Yeah, exactly this. Today is Lambie's birthday and mom dressed me down over this. She's a 4yo TODAY. I have a hard time grinning through mom's gifts sometimes. Like when she brought me a blouse that was size 3XXX and literally covered my ankles. The boys do a great job. But it's a lot to ask of Lambie.

And I have no idea why she wants me to pay my preschooler for chores or expects her to use the pennies she may earn to buy gifts. It's just so contrary to what my mom would have expected of her own kids. I was making gifts for my parents until I was a teen.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

"What do you say if you don't like it?"
"Thank you"
"What do you say if you already have one?"
"Thank you"
"What do you say if two people give you the same gift?"
"Thank you"

We are literally the same person. Same convo on Saturday, verbatim. C’s 6th bday was Sunday. She did well this birthday but there was still obvious favorites.

Weirdly my 4yo who is almost always more difficult than C is great at this. I feel like she’s got a lot of emotional intelligence that she’s currently using for “evil” but may turn out ok.

I don’t think your mom is being reasonable in requesting that behavior from Lambie. Also, after numerous misfires, people have just started asking me what to get the kids because the reaction is always way more excited. C opened her favorite birthday gift from my mom on Sunday (100% my idea). It’s a bit of a bummer but I figure I’d rather have my kids be happy/polite than they get their best gifts from us.


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[MrsK]

We are literally the same person. Same convo on Saturday, verbatim. C’s 6th bday was Sunday. She did well this birthday but there was still obvious favorites.

Weirdly my 4yo who is almost always more difficult than C is great at this. I feel like she’s got a lot of emotional intelligence that she’s currently using for “evil” but may turn out ok.

I don’t think your mom is being reasonable in requesting that behavior from Lambie. Also, after numerous misfires, people have just started asking me what to get the kids because the reaction is always way more excited. C opened her favorite birthday gift from my mom on Sunday (100% my idea). It’s a bit of a bummer but I figure I’d rather have my kids be happy/polite than they get their best gifts from us.


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I've offered to select the gift too or to point her in the right direction. I think she enjoys shopping for the stuff and she thinks she's getting a better bargain when she spends $20 on a bunch of random junk than when I just tell her what to buy. My brothers and my in laws usually let me tell them what to get and the gifts are always a 100% hit.

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[MrsK]

Also, generally speaking, I'm not good at receiving gifts. I rarely like anything someone chooses for me as much as I'd like something I chose myself. And extravagant gifts embarrass me. Though I am very good at giving gifts and enjoy doing so.

Also, DrK is absolutely horrible at gifting. I mean, he sends his mom random unwrapped gifts and she calls to ask me why he's storing his stuff at her house. The kids don't have very good examples of gifting and receiving at home.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

M comes from the “it’s better to give a totally random gift than none at all” and it drives me nuts. I’ve discussed here that their finances are not the most robust and yet without fail, I receive a random pair of $10 earrings from his mother every birthday. I should be a less terrible person but I want to be like, I wear the same studs year round and would prefer you just save your money and/or put it towards paying part of the way to visit our children.


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[MrsK]

Well, we just returned from birthday dinner and my kids redeemed themselves. The boys! They pooled their money and bought Lambie a little purse shaped like a lamb all on their own. It was very surprising and so thoughtful. Lambie actually *liked* mom's gifts and came up with nice things to say about all of them.

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