BTDT parents---what is your take?

[houseelf]

Pregnancy is a time when other people open up and share their parenting/life philosophies and experiences. I have heard such wildly divergent advice and varying opinions on the issue of birth order and number of children that there doesn't seem to be a real consensus as to which child was the most difficult to adjust to or integrate into the family. In the past months, I have heard all of the following:

-It is the first child that is the most difficult adjustment and represents the most abrupt change in lifestyle. The second one is a breeze because you know what your doing and you're already living a scaled back, child focused lifestyle.

vs.

-The first child is a breeze. Certainly, there are changes but you can still integrate one into your life fairly easily. Two requires a serious adaptation of lifestyle.

vs.

-The second child more than doubles your work. With two children you are always a parent. There is no break from parenting like there is when you have only one.

vs.

-Two is easier than one because they play together and you aren't as freaked out by each developmental stage.

vs.

-Number three is the miracle baby. We were already parenting. Number three is the child with which we finally relaxed and learned to enjoy each of our children as individuals. Our third child taught us to let go and enjoy the process.

vs.

-The third child is the one that puts you over the edge. At this point, the adults are outnumbered and the kids sense that vulnerability. They gang up on you, and in turn, someone always gets lost in the shuffle. There are never enough hours in the day.


My question to you BTDT parents.....which of the above best describes your feelings on the topic. Sure, they are all correct, but which one taps into your deeply held beliefs about parenting?

Kelly

[SueC]

I agree with some, but not all of those statements.
We *thought* number one was hard until we had multiple children. We now realize we didn't know how good we had it back then. Sleeping till noon with a newborn because you were up all night nursing? You dont' get to do that when number two comes along because you still have an active toddler to take care of.

I don't think that having a second baby more than doubles your work. By then, I had kind of figured the mothering thing out and although baby number two was more work, it felt more like 1.5-1.75 times the work.

Once baby number two gets old enough to play, it becomes a lot easier. My girls entertain each other a lot which allows me to kick back and read a book or now to take care of the new baby.

I do agree that by the time baby#3 comes along, you are way more relaxed. I've got friends expecting baby#2 and they are all freaking out about how everybody will adjust and what stroller to buy. Not that those aren't valid things to stress about (I did that when I was expecting #2 also) but I didn't really give any of it much thought when we were expecting Mitch. I knew there would be another baby to love, and I was hoping the girls would love him to, but I figured things would fall into place at least by week 6. And they did. I get out with 3 kids just as much as I did with 2 kids (though I try to avoid grocery shopping with all of them at all costs).

It's too soon to tell whether or not #3 will put us over the edge as far as being outnumbered. We are only 9 weeks into it, but so far everything is going fine. DH and I have taken the kids out to eat several times (even to nice restaurants) and it hasn't been a disaster. Once Mitchell becomes more active I might be singing a different tune.

I'll be interested to see how those who have more kids and older kids respond to this, as my kids are all still pretty young.

[PrincessFiona]

Kelly,

For us, I think that having the first baby was the biggest adjustment. It meant new dynamics for our relationship in addition to the stress of wanting to 'do it all right' with the baby. I agree with Sue that baby #2 was more work...but I wouldn't say that it was double the work either. Also, because it was already familiar work (ie diapering, dressing, bathing, feeding) it seemed much easier the second time around. We had babies 1 and 2 close together and I have to admit that I didn't really feel like I had my hands full until Amanda started crawling/walking. That's when things got more difficult.

I felt that going from two to three was not a big deal....I don't think that we have really ever felt outnumbered by the kids...and the kids have pretty much always had a playmate. There is the occasional two's company and three's a crowd thing, but for the most part things seem to work out just fine. One week Alex adores Andrew and the next week he can't get enough of Amanda....

Going from 3 to 4 has been fine...so far. I did have the initial shock of going back to night feedings and diapering, but because we've done it before it seemed like any other familiar transition. I can't speak to whether or not Aidan will at times feel left out, but he seems to be getting lots of attention now.

I think that the answers to these questions are really going to be very dependent on individual coping styles and expecations. For parents wanting a lot of order, the second or third child might tip the scales....(this is pure speculation now on my part, btw...I'm just guessing!). We pretty much take things as they come, make sure to spend some 'special time' with each of our oldest and honestly...are much more tolerant of chaos, fingerprints on the walls and dustbunnies hiding under the sofas, beds, tables, chairs and....everywhere else One friend of mine who is much more tidy (by this I mean that she has two children and perfecty white carpeting and white walls without smudges...REALLY) would be pretty unhappy with more than two. She invests a lot of time in making sure their clothes stay neat in their drawers, that the walls, floors, etc are very clean...and honestly, she is a great mom and I envy how clean her house is on many occasions......

Having more children does mean more chaos though and I think if you're enable to embrace the chaos it is a lot of fun.

kris

[Sheherezade]

Kelly

I only have two kids, so I'm not sure how I rank in the parenting scale....Still, my immediate thought was that all your statements were true to some degree. Although that seems impossible, it is simply that they have been true at different times in my motherhood career. For example, my kids are now 5 and 7. They have routinely played together very well and this has always made the work load of entertaining my children very low. However, for almost the entire last year, they did not get along. That was miserable. They were just out of sync in their interests and actively worked to annoy each other constantly. When this pattern happened, it made everything more difficult as they played off each other against DH and me endlessly. Thankfully, that seems to be ending and they are friends again. So if you asked me now if 2 kids were easier than one I'd say yes, but if you had asked me last year I'd have told you it was a nightmare compared to the walk in the park of one. I'm sure this is similar in other areas. Two is better in some ways and worse in others. Having multiple children adds complexity.......I don't think it necessarily makes things harder. My second was much easier than my first. Low cost, low labor, zero adjustment really. My issues have mostly been sibling relations Also, now that they are older and have activities and friends, scheduling is a bit of a nightmare..... Finally, there is figuring out how to deal with being "fair" as cries of "no fair!!!!" are pretty common. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out if I'm being even about my care of each child--mainly because they are constantly vigilant for any sign of preferential treatment That's annoying, but hey I can always say "Life's not fair!!" Right?

[Oh, I guess I should qualify this answer by saying I am a huge fan of kid stuff--my DH and I have always been pretty kid-centric in our activities and lifestyle. I do think it would be harder to hold on to adult style time or activities with multiple children. Some parents of one I know still seem to have a pretty cool grown-up life. I don't know many parents with more than one that have much of that--we have that only after our (cue echoing megaphone voice)<<<<STRICTLY ENFORCED BEDTIME >>>>> of 8 pm. Without that I would be insane!!! ]

Angie

[mommax3]

I think all of the statements can be either true or false, depending on the children you have.
My oldest was (and is) very active, driven, and strong willed. If my second had been that way, that would have been it for us......however, he is very sweet and laid back, although he has a stubborn streak and is more active than average, although not as active as his brother. Going from one to two was not too bad because #2 was MUCH easier than #1 as a baby. With #3 however, we did reach the breaking point. He is very much like #1 and does best with a consistent schedule.....definitely not the laid back 3rd child you hear about. With brothers 6 and 3 years older, that schedule was very hard to come by, especially when he was a baby. Now that they are 9, 6, and almost 3, I feel like I am having to handle 3 very different stages simultaneously, and it is ALL I can do to even somewhat feel like I am meeting their needs developmentally, even minimally. If I had it to do over, I would have had them a little closer together and had four so that they would be more of a "pack" instead of being in such different places.....but at the time, (med school and residency) I didn't feel like our marriage could have survived babies closer together.

I really think that your family is going to handle this transition fine, Kelly. There will be more work at first, but it won't come as such a shock to you this time.....the fact that it is 24/7. You and your DH are older and more mature, your marriage is more mature, you won't be giving birth and immediately starting residency some place you never wanted to go, and Cade is old enough that he can verbalize his feelings about the changes that are going to take place, and you can explain what he can expect in a way that you wouldn't have been able to if he were only two.

Good question!

Sally

[Phoebe]

A year ago I was asking the same questions and wondering how I would handle the transition to two children. Would I be a good enough mother. How would I love two babies as much as I love the first. Am I causing pain to my first child by interrupting her loving family life? Can we afford two kids? Will I be able to get it all done? Can I survive on less sleep than I already get? Will my first baby love the second baby? These questions and more regularly kept me awake at night during my pregnancy. What I found is that you adapt. Your body, mind and family grow to include the new baby almost like she was already there. You may not realize how you do it and sometimes it will be hard, but you get through it and everything falls into place.

I was blessed with two easy-going infants. Going from baby #1 to baby #2 wasn't that hard because I felt more confident and less worrisome about my ability as a parent. Most of the time, I still don't know what I am doing. The work isn't double, it is just time consuming. The periods of adjustment for me were when baby #2 6 weeks until 4 months because of reflux going undiagnosed and the baby stopped sleeping. Second was when we started solid foods because meal time instantly took a lot more time. The third adjustment I am anticipating is baby #2 becoming mobile. She is about to crawl and I see some of my friends with toddlers/preschoolers having a hard time once their second child starts crawling/walking. They both want to go into different directions and need to be watched closely. I can't really leave #2 alone with #1 because she might poke an eye out of something.

I think I could have it a lot worse if my girls were both strong-willed or uptight. My first plays very well by herself so I am able to do stuff with my second. Inevitably, they both want something at the same time. I get pulled in different directions quite often. DH asked me yesterday how come things are so easily derailed. I told him that he obviously has never spent a day alone with a toddler!

Jennifer