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Wow. What a day of posting! I saw this pop up this morning when I checked in, went out for the day with the kids and WHAMMO-14 posts!! I guess it is a hot topic.
Let me start by giving my own personal facts. I am a past professional--biomedical research/Ph.d in neuroscience. I Ivy leagued all my degrees and was doing a fast track in academic science until DH entered residency, I had my first child, and my post doc lab advisor (a working mother) had a midlife reassessment and quit her job (due to the very conflict we are discussing here)--all in the same six months. I ended up at home with my baby and was dumbstruck by my level of attachment. I couldn't IMAGINE leaving him with anyone else except my husband or a close relative. I'm not sure what my plan had been until then--I imagine baby and I would have been doing research together and I would have done a lot of middle of the night experiments. He would have had a crib in the office--my advisor's two boys had done that. I really cannot imagine anything peeling me off my research project. I cried when I sent my antibodies and reagents to labs around the U.S. after the lab shut down. Needless to say, I miss my career. I still get teary eyed when I think about leaving the lab.
If my DH had a more normal schedule, I feel that I could work out a strange lab schedule to accomodate his hours and continue working. Labs tend to be flexible about hours. However, given the path he has chosen, I do not have any time in the day that I can count on him being available to watch the kids. With call, shifting OR times and covering for surgical emergencies he is never certain if he will be around. Consequently, I have been on what I call "kid-call" for 8 years. This situation was made clearest of all to me when last year I attended an evening class from 7-10 PM on his "light" day. He made it home sometimes, sometimes not. When I had arranged a babysitter, he showed up and sent her home. When she didn't come because he would certainly make it, he didn't show. The babysitter couldn't deal with the erratic schedule. DH couldn't understand why he shouldn't just tell her she wasn't needed whenever he could make it home. He's used to everyone adapting to his life. I'm sure I haven't helped by doing exactly that for so long, but- hey-we're happily married and more or less content. That has to count for something.
Anyhoo--I was tortured by our last neighborhood in which everyone did seem to have the egalitarion relationship Kelly eludes to--half Dad time, half Mom. Our upstairs neighbors both worked out of home offices and balanced care very well. I'm sure I don't know the challenges they faced, but I was embarassed-yes, embarassed-that my DH didn't pitch in at all like a good liberal man. I'm sure people thought I was some 1950's June Cleaver not willing to stand up for myself. To me though, "standing up for myself" seems like a losing situation. He wants to do this impossible job, the system is fairly inflexible, and we have a boatload invested in it now. I feel I can be happy doing many other things that would be flexible and work with his schedule. I have been investigating those. Still, I would be lying if I said I'm fine with me being the one who has to make all the changes. It is telling that I say "changes" and not "sacrifices" because I do not feel like I have made sacrifices BECAUSE of him-only that I have been required to shape a new life to fit his chosen path. My life now has many rewards; different from the lab, but equally rich and valuable. That said, I get tired of expending energy to think up a new angle, make it work for me, and even just fit in to a new neighborhood. I sometimes wonder what life would be like for us if he were the "trailing spouse", or if we stayed put long enough for me to get a support network in place.
I have been home full time with my kids since their birth-eight years . I love them dearly, enjoy being home with them (mostly) and would have to be in poor circumstances financially to return to work full time in the near future. I sometimes worry that I am burned out on SAHPhood but have to agree with Sally that my commitment is higher than any hired person's commitment would be. I am happy to be there for all their ups and downs. In general, I am a pretty good mom- I do the activities, play the games, keep up the house, you all know the drill. I am a Type A mother with all the good and bad things that brings. My decision to stay home came from my own childhood experiences as the child of a medical family with two competing and highly successful careers--ugly!! My parents ultimately divorced after years of fighting over who was more important. I honestly don't trust myself to not do the same if I took off on a career track- I'm terribly ambitious. I don't want what I experienced for my kids.
So, Dh and I try to work as a team. Now that he is out of fellowship it seems to be a bit better. There is even the chance that I may work with him in a lab start up in a year or two. That could be interesting; we'll see. I have a lot of issues with becoming successful and what that really means. My personal philosophical dilemma is why I feel dissatisfied at all - but that is for a different post.
Enough said already.
Angie
Let me start by giving my own personal facts. I am a past professional--biomedical research/Ph.d in neuroscience. I Ivy leagued all my degrees and was doing a fast track in academic science until DH entered residency, I had my first child, and my post doc lab advisor (a working mother) had a midlife reassessment and quit her job (due to the very conflict we are discussing here)--all in the same six months. I ended up at home with my baby and was dumbstruck by my level of attachment. I couldn't IMAGINE leaving him with anyone else except my husband or a close relative. I'm not sure what my plan had been until then--I imagine baby and I would have been doing research together and I would have done a lot of middle of the night experiments. He would have had a crib in the office--my advisor's two boys had done that. I really cannot imagine anything peeling me off my research project. I cried when I sent my antibodies and reagents to labs around the U.S. after the lab shut down. Needless to say, I miss my career. I still get teary eyed when I think about leaving the lab.
If my DH had a more normal schedule, I feel that I could work out a strange lab schedule to accomodate his hours and continue working. Labs tend to be flexible about hours. However, given the path he has chosen, I do not have any time in the day that I can count on him being available to watch the kids. With call, shifting OR times and covering for surgical emergencies he is never certain if he will be around. Consequently, I have been on what I call "kid-call" for 8 years. This situation was made clearest of all to me when last year I attended an evening class from 7-10 PM on his "light" day. He made it home sometimes, sometimes not. When I had arranged a babysitter, he showed up and sent her home. When she didn't come because he would certainly make it, he didn't show. The babysitter couldn't deal with the erratic schedule. DH couldn't understand why he shouldn't just tell her she wasn't needed whenever he could make it home. He's used to everyone adapting to his life. I'm sure I haven't helped by doing exactly that for so long, but- hey-we're happily married and more or less content. That has to count for something.
Anyhoo--I was tortured by our last neighborhood in which everyone did seem to have the egalitarion relationship Kelly eludes to--half Dad time, half Mom. Our upstairs neighbors both worked out of home offices and balanced care very well. I'm sure I don't know the challenges they faced, but I was embarassed-yes, embarassed-that my DH didn't pitch in at all like a good liberal man. I'm sure people thought I was some 1950's June Cleaver not willing to stand up for myself. To me though, "standing up for myself" seems like a losing situation. He wants to do this impossible job, the system is fairly inflexible, and we have a boatload invested in it now. I feel I can be happy doing many other things that would be flexible and work with his schedule. I have been investigating those. Still, I would be lying if I said I'm fine with me being the one who has to make all the changes. It is telling that I say "changes" and not "sacrifices" because I do not feel like I have made sacrifices BECAUSE of him-only that I have been required to shape a new life to fit his chosen path. My life now has many rewards; different from the lab, but equally rich and valuable. That said, I get tired of expending energy to think up a new angle, make it work for me, and even just fit in to a new neighborhood. I sometimes wonder what life would be like for us if he were the "trailing spouse", or if we stayed put long enough for me to get a support network in place.
I have been home full time with my kids since their birth-eight years . I love them dearly, enjoy being home with them (mostly) and would have to be in poor circumstances financially to return to work full time in the near future. I sometimes worry that I am burned out on SAHPhood but have to agree with Sally that my commitment is higher than any hired person's commitment would be. I am happy to be there for all their ups and downs. In general, I am a pretty good mom- I do the activities, play the games, keep up the house, you all know the drill. I am a Type A mother with all the good and bad things that brings. My decision to stay home came from my own childhood experiences as the child of a medical family with two competing and highly successful careers--ugly!! My parents ultimately divorced after years of fighting over who was more important. I honestly don't trust myself to not do the same if I took off on a career track- I'm terribly ambitious. I don't want what I experienced for my kids.
So, Dh and I try to work as a team. Now that he is out of fellowship it seems to be a bit better. There is even the chance that I may work with him in a lab start up in a year or two. That could be interesting; we'll see. I have a lot of issues with becoming successful and what that really means. My personal philosophical dilemma is why I feel dissatisfied at all - but that is for a different post.
Enough said already.Angie
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