Social etiquette question

[PrincessFiona]

A neighbor and I came up with an agreement recently about childcare for her daughter after talking for awhile. The little girl started coming home after school with my children on several days after we fashioned our agreement. All was well until Friday of last week. The mom told me that her daughter was spending the weekend with her father and that she was taking the day off of work. I assumed that the little girl was going home to her house after school. So I arranged a playdate for Amanda with another friend.

After school, she went to another little girl's house. The mom called me and told me that the child was there and asked if she should send her my way. Clueless me said "no, her mom is home and they are getting ready to go to visit her dad for the weekend...why don't you give her mom a call". I never heard anything after that and wasn't suspicious .... until 5.45 when the mom called me and said "send my munchkin home"

To me, this was a huge miscommunication....then I find out that this little girl has basically said Amanda was mean to her and told her she couldn't come over several times on the bus and that is why the little girl didn't come to our home. When I asked Amanda she wouldn't tell me the truth. The mom was very upset with my daughter calling her mean and she actually said "if it was anyone else's daughter that had said this to my daughter then I would have told my child not to play with that 'witch'" She enrolled her child in the afterschool program and informed me of it on Monday morning.

We were carpooling the kids to school and she told my children yesterday in the car that she was very disappointed and angry with them because of how mean they had been. Andrew was beside himself because he didn't do anything and Amanda was confused. She finally talked with me about it yesterday and told met that she didn't understand. "Mommy, I thought I could only have one friend over at a time. You told me Alectra was coming over and I didn't know she was supposed to come over too".

She was so upset about everything that had happened that she created a special book for this girl about best friendship and forgiveness...she made a card to go with it that said that she was her best friend and was there anything that she could do to 'make it up' to this child. She was afraid to give it to the girl though and so she ran over and rang the bell and put it on the ground and ran...I went with her and we stood on the side of the house while the little girl opened the door and got the book/card and then we went home.

1.5 hours later, I called the mom and aksed her about it.....she told me that they had gotten it and that her daughter was in the bathtub. I mentioned that Amanda was so upset and that she couldn't even face the little girl...the response "good...healthy fear is a good thing"

HI...I would like to interject some f****** reality here. This is no big f**** deal. It was a misunderstanding between a 6 and 8 year old and Amanda was big enough to apologize.

This morning I was the carpool lady. The child got into my car and ignored Amanda...and barely even gave her the time of day when she apologized. Amanda looked like she was going to cry in the car because this child would only talk to Andrew. When I got them there, Amanda forgot her jacket and came back to the van to get it and the little girl stood there with Andrew and made faces at Amanda.

Am I crazy for thinking that this has totally gotten blown out of proportion? This is just ridiculous. My inclination is to just call the mom and say we're not going to carpool anymore. On the other hand...maybe I should be giving the girls the opportunity to work this out. I just don't know.

kris

[mommax3]

You know, just reading your post, if the little girl had acted ###### to Amanda in your presence, I think that gives you the right to deal with the thing right then and there. What the other lady says to her daughter is out of your control, but you don't have to stick with her program in YOUR car. These little girls need someone to be reasonable and help them work through this so that they can learn how to handle disagreements, and it looks like you have been elected! Seriously, misunderstandings happen and they don't have to end friendships. It is NOT okay to be mean, especially after there has been an apology. I would also go a step further and say that the other mom had BETTER not be saying anything else to Amanda (or Andrew, for that matter) about it when it is her turn to drive.

Okay, now I am spoilin' for a fight......

Sally

[SueC]

Amanda sounds like a sweetheart! I'm not sure how I would handle it (helping the girls to work through it vs. ending the carpool arrangement). What I think is odd is that the woman obviously has had plenty of exposure to Amanda if she carpools with her so how in the heck did she reach the conclusion that your daughter is a "witch"? We had an incident that happened recently between my daugter and a little neighbor boy and knowing the kind of boy he is I knew there was probably another side to the story so I spoke with the mother (who spoke to her son) before taking my daughter's word as gospel. Not that I thought my kid was making the whole thing up, I just assumed in her little 4 year old mind she might possibly not have all of the facts straight. It sounds like if you continue the arrangement with the lady you definitely run the risk of future incidents.

[PrincessFiona]

I'm sure that there are a plethora of other issues going on including the fact that this child is dealing with a nasty divorce between the parents and I'm sure that the mom's nerves are also frayed.

That being said, until recently, all I heard was how wonderful Amanda is...and not to toot my daughter's own horn...I think she's pretty darned great! Even if she had intentionally said something hurtful (which is not what happened, btw) this should have been something forgivable. Instead, it seems to have been blown completely out of proportion.

The other issue brought up was that Amanda doesn't sit with this girl on the bus anymore....When I talked to my kids about it Amanda said that she alwasy sits with her when her class isn't last on the bus...but she said that her teacher often gets them to the bus after Andrew and this girl have always gotten on and sat down together.

I'm just so upset about this....seriously...I just don't think it was that big of a deal and I *thought* that the mom and I were becoming fairly good friends....this morning when I picked her daughter up she couldn't maintain eye contact with me and was just....odd.

I'm done with this neighborhood, I tell ya....done!

I think I need to go and give myself a time out and go for a walk!

kris

[Meenah]

Wow Kris. Is this the same little girl from last year? How do they find you!!!! I don't know what I would do, I think the Mother is the problem, because if she had stayed out of it it would have blown over by now.
Luanne

[BonBon]

You know what my solution is to this problem - MOVE!!! 8)

[PrincessFiona]

8) It's all I can think about....I am so tired of the politics in this neighborhood.

That just stinks.
Seems to me the real problem is the mom and the behavior she is modeling for her daughter. She had an opportunity here to learn about a healthy way to resolve a misunderstanding and her mom is acting like a bitchy 12 year old.
I agree with Sally that you can gently reprimand the 6 yo when she is in your car -- ie, no name-calling, face-making in our car (and that goes for all the kids).

Okay, now I am spoilin' for a fight......

I'm picturing some sort of West Side Story dance routine here...

Oh Kris, I just can't believe this other mother! Amanda sounds like a sweet little girl and even if she had said something mean to that other little girl, it would have been something that should have been completely forgiven. Amanda's just a child for goodness sakes!

I personally would just break off the carpool arrangement because it sounds like continuing a friendship with that other mother would be just too much drama. However, I don't know if that's the best thing for the girls' relationship. As far as what the other mother said to your children....that is totally unacceptable!

Erica

[PrincessFiona]

Well, here's the interesting update. Apparently, when the little girl went over to the other mom's house on Friday it all happened a little differently. She told the other mom that I had told her that I needed a break and when the other mom asked her if her mom knew where she was, she said 'yes'. I, of course, never said anything of the kind to this child....The mother of this girl told me her child was 'devastated when my daughter was so mean to her and had gone home and put away her bag/coat and was afraid alone which is why she had gone over to the other mom's house'....apparently, she wanted to play with this other little girl and they jumped off of the bus together and spent the day playing, etc and wasn't in the least bit upset.

People suk.

kris

[mommax3]

Quote:
Okay, now I am spoilin' for a fight......



I'm picturing some sort of West Side Story dance routine here...

Bring it on.......

I just get so riled when I hear about mean people, especially when it is about children who get their feelings hurt.

Sally

Let me take the carpool for a few days...

My vote is to let Matt take the carpool and have Sally carpool the mom to work.

[PrincessFiona]

Well...you would think that I would learn my lesson.......I guess this was just another truckload of bricks falling from the sky to hit me on the head..."hello, Kristen...wake up"...The real kicker of this whole thing is that after all of this hooha, she called me to make sure that I was still going to babysit the child after school and all evening tomorrow because she has a date.

I had no problem with that before this happened...I really didn't. Now I feel ...weird about it all. To top it off, we were supposed to go to Croptoberfest together and when I asked her about it (because we have to pay our $25 by Friday) [did I mention I'm a scrapbook addict now ] she told me that she had something to do that day but she didn't know what. She thought it 'could be' work related.

I'm such a sucker....



kris

[HeartRN]

She already has a date and is still going through a nasty divorce? This has got to put her kids in a very confusing and awkward position. I wish I had some answers for ya, but I am still very "green" with the parent-to-parent relationships!

Marla