Sibling rivalry rant

[houseelf]

I would never have believed what has transpired in my household if you forewarned me months ago. My sweet, sweet, sweet little boy has shown multiple signs of sibling rivalry, including regression and hostility towards the baby. The regression doesn't really phase me although it is frustrating. I figure that the novelty of baby talk, playing with baby toys, and wetting the bed again will pass.

BUT...my son has shown some actions that at first blush could be construed as the poor judgment attendant to his four year old developmental stage: jumping off the couch near the baby, placing the baby to the edge of the bed so she is close to falling, and hugging or touching her too forcefully. At first, I denied that my sweet boy would engage in such behavior and that these were all coincidence. After multiple incidents, I knew that I had to get out of denial about this and deal with this. It is frustrating, heartbreaking, saddening, and every emotion in between.

I've tried a thousand different approaches: special mom and son time, dispensing punishment when he attempts something that could hurt the baby, saying "I see you" when he tries to play with a baby toy, not responding to baby talk, enumerating the benefits of being a big boy... everything. I've also tried to reassure him that there is enough love for everyone and mommy's time and energy is not a competition. I tell him that I would never let anyone hurt him and I will not let anyone hurt the baby, including him. I try to make him feel included by calling her "his baby". I also try to get him to verbalize his feelings by asking questions like "Does it frustrate you when Mommy has to take care of the baby first?".

Even with all of this, we are going through the throws of sibling jealousy. Maybe this stems from the fact that our relationship was so intense and exclusive for 4.5 years. With DH in a surgery residency and no family, we were "exclusive". Maybe I'm flattering myself and all of this is normal. But ARGH...we need to move on out of this ASAP.

Nobody really told me how difficult this would be. Thanks for letting me vent.

Kelly

[SueC]

It sounds like you're doing everything right Kelly, I can't think of anything to add. Hopefully this will pass and I guess in the meantime you'll have to keep being extra vigilent to prevent any "mishaps". We never had any outright aggression with ours, though my 3 year old still likes to pretend to be a baby and often asks me to carry her like a baby. I indulge her a lot of the time, but it's exhausting to be caring for an actual baby while humoring her at the same time.

[PrincessFiona]

Ditto to what Sue says, Kelly...You are a great mom and it does sound like you've tried it all.

The only thing I could add is that the 'discipline' be doled out with no emotions...I know that with Alex when he gets like this, negative attention is better than no attention. When Alex went througha similar phase, he actually started tipping the kitchen chairs that were right near the baby. He was careful to 'just miss' him. I realized that I had to take control without providing him with any secondary gain...negative attention. So, it was a completely non-emotional trip to his room. I just told him it was unacceptable and then took him to his room without a single comment. When his time was up (I let him cook in there for 30 minutes) I went back and didn't mention the incident again. Time served/sentence commuted. It never happened again.

Cade is smart and he realizes that he can get you upset when he does this. Maybe try the nonemotional/uninterested but protective approach?

This parenting thing is not easy, isn't it? :thud:

kris

[BonBon]

That's good advice, Kris. I wouldn't have even thought that negative attention is better than none.

Kelly, I've read that getting your older child his own baby doll can help. So while you're say, changing Kendall's diaper, he 'changes' his baby's diaper. Just a thought.

I hope that by having mine close together I can avoid this. (hope, hope, hope!!!!) Sue, your first two are close together, right? How did your first daughter deal with the birth of the second?

[houseelf]

Thanks for the good advice and commiseration. Like any mom, I didn't want to believe that he was capable of even thinking aggressive thoughts. (I imagine that Ted Bundy's mom thought the same:"My little Teddy would never hurt a fly.) It took a lot for me to get out of denial and deal with this.

I briefly talked to his teacher this morning and asked if she had seen anything. She said that DS was "needy" at first and only wanted to interact with adults. This could also be a byproduct of being an only child for 4.5 years. She said that she saw no signs of aggression or regression at school. In fact she said that he seemed very sweet and loving. (Don't you love how our kids give their best behavior to mom?)

When I can be objective about this I realize that because this transition has been so hard, it makes it all the more important it is that he go through it. He has to learn that the world doesn't always revolve around him. (Yes, I now see our part in creating this.)

I think that Kris picked up on some of my anxieties- I still do feel somewhat guilty for taking time and attention away from my DS. Heck, DS probably senses this and this makes the whole scenario worse. Kids pick up on so much more than think. From now on, I'm only going to think about what a gift it is that he now has a sister and I will only show neutral or positive emotion.

Thanks guys, I feel better already.

Kelly

[SueC]

Yep, those kids are smarter then we give them credit for sometimes. I think Kris's response was very good--I'm going to file that away because I know one of my kids tends to seek negative attention at times and so I'm sure getting me all worked up (which is how I respond) is feeding into it.
In answer to Dagny's question--my first two kids are only 20 months apart and my oldest did great when she was born. She was still pretty clueless and didn't really seem to feel displaced. If I had had the energy I would have had the next baby just as close. If anything, we had more adjustment issues when the third baby came, because my middle child had been the baby of the family for almost 3 years and was reluctant to give that up. Luckily, my oldest was smitten from the moment she saw her little brother, and really modeled some great behaviors for her little sister. Sydney wasn't aggressive towards the baby, but became incredibly clingy and whiny and would throw herself on the floor crying for even the smallest frustration. It drove me nuts!
Having more than one can be so trying at times, but whenever you get to witness those spontaneous acts of tenderness between them it makes it all worthwhile. I really dont' think you can give your kids a better gift than each other.

Bringing a new baby home is tough on everyone in different ways. I think what was really hard for me was: 1)Bryn didn't seem to be as in love with this little bundle as we were (not that I could really expect that) and 2) I saw a side of her I didn't really like.
I think the age difference is a mixed bag. I know that Cade is a year older than Bryn, but for a handful of reasons I would rather have the 3.5 year spread than a shorter one. One thing that has helped is that Bryn has her "own world" of preschool, classes, etc where she can get lots of attention just for herself and for being a "big sister" without having the baby around.
In terms of behavior management, this is what we have done. Please know that it's easy for me to calmly type this out -- I was never this calm when it was occuring. Any sort of harmful or potentially harmful behavior got an immediate time out -- like putting the baby close to the bed. For anything else, we didn't say or do much unless Anna cried. I had a hard time adjusting to this but I felt like I was constantly saying "No (fill in the blank) with Anna." So she was having constant associations of being told "No" and the baby. One particularly annoying thing Bryn would do is get right in Anna's face, right on top of her, and be all sing-songy. It would drive me CRAZY. But just about the time I was about to forcibly yank her off her sister, Anna would start smiling, cooing, and laughing of all things. And Bryn got a huge charge out of making her laugh. Go figure. Maybe it's the long term lesson of sibling rivalry -- stay out of it until you really need to get involved.
If I remember correctly, in our house and what I've heard from others, there is a point around 2-3 months were there is the most difficulty accepting the new baby. Sort of like the realization that the baby is really there to stay. Don't be surprised if he asks to take the baby back to the hospital, when she will leave, or if he can put her out with the trash. Considered from the 4 yo perspective on the world, it doesn't seem *quite* as bad.
Once Kendal can start moving around that will help too. That is, until Cade decides to crawl with her/on top of her like Bryn does with Anna! Which Anna loves/hates depending on her mood.
I'm sure we were never this awful to our dear and darling sibs.

[DCJenn]

Oh I don't know about that Nellie!!!!

I did my darndest to remove my brother from planet earth- for years!

1) I would throw my baby dolls down the stairs while yelling "I hate you baby!" at the top of my lungs. My mother figured that as long as it was the doll and not John, all was well.

2) when he got a little older- I fed him rocks and quarters

3) I pushed him in to a bee's nest

4) I told him nose was made out of ear cartilidge because he was born with no nose and our parents almost gave him away

5) I regularly (and always away from mom) beat him up- and if and when I got caught she would tell me that someday he'd be bigger than me and he'd dish it right back- and he sure did!

I was horrible- and of course it didn't help that we had nothing in common (still don't, truth be told!)

and for those of you who are curious, we're 25 months apart. My parents had two close together so that we would be "friends". That didn't happen until he turned 25.

So- Kelly, my hope for you is that Cade is less devious and horrible than I was!!!

Jenn

I'm sure we were never this awful to our dear and darling sibs.

I wrote that with heavy sarcasm. I was awful to my brother. While I did accept his permanent place in our family, I did my best to make him feel unwelcome at times. His birthday is the 13th of May, and I made sure every year to let him know that he was born on FRIDAY the 13th and doomed. One time I dipped a red marker in water to make red water -- that I could spray on him while he took a nap with the hope that he would wake up and think he was bleeding. I used to make him wear a dress and barettes as a condition of playing with me. What the hell was wrong with me?

[SueC]

My sister and I are a year and a day apart (the other sister is 5 years older) and they tortured the hell out of me when I was growing up! It was rare for us to get through a meal at the dinner table without them making me cry--they were relentless. My oldest sister used to sell me her trash and I idolized her so much I would buy it! We're all very close now, but you wouldn't have predicted that if you'd have known us back then.

[Phoebe]

Avery acts similarly to her sister and has pretty much since she came home. She tries sitting on her, jumping over her, putting a blanket over her head and pretending she is a ghost. Let's see, she will go up behind her when she is cruising the furniture and sit her down on the floor. Most of the time when she is mauling her she is trying to hug her and kiss her too hard. She says her sister is her best friend. I have see her be what I consider aggressive towards her sister a handful of times in the last when most of the time when she is trying to find a way to display her frustration or if Ella won't leave her alone. She does the same thing to me when she gets angry. She got immediate time outs for the incidences.

I feel like a broken record constantly reprimanding her or asking her to be gentle with her sister. Ella instigates some stuff too by squealing when Avery didn't even touch her. If Ella was hurt by Avery's actions, then I try to focus on Ella and ignore Avery's behavior say something about her being ok and it must have hurt, etc. Then Avery usually becomes empathetic to her sister.

You are not alone!

[PrincessFiona]

And for all of you guys struggling with sibling rivalry:

It is normal guys....don't feel bad about it or start blaming yourselves. Your child is not agressive and you haven not 'failed' as a mom. These are all normal reactions for a child who is feeling a little 'displaced'.

Imagine what would happen if our husbands brought a new little wifey home from work one day and told us not to feel bad...that they still loved us, but now they had this new little wifey who was going to help us around the house and be a part of our family. Can you imagine what would happen?

It will all be ok!

kris

[DCJenn]

Hey Kris-

If the new little wifey does the cooking and the cleaning, we've got room here!!

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

HAHAHA...No kidding, Jenn!

:clean:

[peggyfromwastate]

i love all these new smileys! so cool! :yum: