How do you do it?!

[Me03]

I am so new to this site, today is my first day! I have been scanning a lot of the posts, topics, articles, etc all day and my biggest question is this: How do couples afford to have a child/children while in one spouse is in Medical School, and the other being to be a stay at home mom? My husband is in the middle of his 2nd year of med school and we have discussed when the right time would be for us to have kids-while in Med School or wait until Residency or beyond?! We keep coming back to the financial aspect. I work full-time right now, but if we had kids, I would want to stay home with them and you know he is not earning any income right now. So then we say Residency, but we are apprehensive about that because will I essentially be a single parent? Any comments, suggestions?

where to begin...

*sigh* I just wrote two paragraphs and my son just came over and banged on my laptop and erased it--that should say it all!!

I became pregnant at the end of my husband's MS1, had our son during December of MS2, which was a good time because he was just in classes and could adjust his study schedule fairly well to allow for family life. About six months ago, I told him that I didn't want to have another one during his residency, so it was now or never if he wanted a second! So now I'm pregnant and due in May, during his last rotation (peds) of MS3.

Our son is in a very wonderful daycare since I work full-time. His tuition is courtesy of us upping my husband's loans to cover it. I work in sales, and I am praying that my end of year bonus will cover the new baby's daycare for this last year of MS. Otherwise, I don't think we could afford it.

This is getting to be a sticky situation because two kids in daycare just about equals my salary after taxes. Since I don't like my job much and am actually going back to my old department in January to cut back on my hours and responsibilities (because things are so much busier at home with the baby and new pregnancy and my husband not helping much because he's either at the hospital or passed out on the couch in his scrubs after coming home exhausted), my husband and I are starting to wonder how much sense it makes for me to still be working.

He's going to talk to financial aid when the new baby's born and see if they'll let him have any more money for the new baby, and depending on that, we might just be able to scrape by with me stopping work sometime next fall. We're just trying not to think about all of the money we owe...

I do have another friend from high school whose husband is MS4. They had a little boy in the spring of his MS3. She didn't go back to work and they've been able to scrape by on his loans. She's very happy and she says that MS4 has been much better than MS3. Of course, she's not looking forward to intern year!

Not sure that all of that helps, but I guess the bottom line is that it's never going to be a "perfect" time and if you wait until you can afford it, you'll never have kids! I can say that we love our son more than anything and have no idea what we ever did without him. I know that no matter how tired my husband is or how hard of a day he's had, his whole face lights up if he gets home and my son is still awake. Our son really does contribute to his well being!

[spotty_dog]

Heh. Personally I think MS-4 would be the ideal time. Lower stress, easier schedule, etc. compared to both 3rd year and internship. Plenty of time to grow that kid before DH's schedule picks up, yet still make the move with a kiddo that's young enough not to care about his environment as long as mommy and daddy are there. But if I keep my job, we will get out debt-free. If I am jobless, even for a year, that all goes to pot. This has ramifications well into our future.

It looks from where I sit that the easy answer is, you don't afford to have a baby and start raising a family in MS. You rack up debt and you scrape by. :\

I guess we'll go for PGY-2 or later. Just another sacrifice to the MS gods.

This was my first question on joining this board too, and I was urged to wait as long as possible within the limits of biological imperative. So that's another answer.

EDIT: Y'all have been together about 4.5 years? Remember that couple-time goes bye-bye, sex decreases quite a lot, and grown-up activities take the sidelines once that kid comes. We're having Christmas at a winery bed-and-breakfast this year, we're planning a bike trip to France next July to watch part of the Tour de France and ride around the countryside...these "grown-up" adventures, that are utterly impossible once we have kids, are reconciling me to our current childless status. Just a thought.

[PrincessFiona]

We had 3 children during residency/fellowship and honestly, we did it by sacrificing. I took classes part-time and took out financial aid...which I used to pay for preschool (and a washer/dryer when ours broke ) But for the most part, I stayed at home. We drove one car, bought the kids clothes from the second hand shops and lived in rental apartments and rental homes that were shall I say....less than...classy.

At the end of the day though, I have no regrets for making that choice even though it has meant that my professional life suffered.

kris

[Me03]

Thanks

Thanks everybody for your replies...it is a lot to think about and as we think about it more, we realize that you're right, there will never be a "perfect time"...It's like we want to have this set-in-stone plan that is flawless, but I don't think that is the way life is...thanks again...

[spotty_dog]

I forgot to mention as well, check out the thread in Grand Rounds on this topic. Depending on your hubby's chosen specialty, this could be very pertinent.

We had our son about 2 weeks before DH took Step 1 of the boards. Definitely not an ideal time LOL. With my mom flying in since I was recovering from a c-section, we made it through that short period though, and DH was able to enjoy his son with that summer off! It worked out ok in the end.

I'd say with everything else being equal, MS4 would be a better choice. DH is in MS4 right now, so I don't have residency life to compare this to, but from the horror stories I hear, it's better now than later (later meaning during residency). MS3 was a pretty hairy year for us, and once our son became mobile, I felt really run ragged being a single mommy most of the time (and working too!). One thing to remember is that although having a baby is a HUGE change, it doesn't end there. In retrospect, I think I found the period of time when DS was 8-14 months old harder on me physically than right after he was born (c-section recovery aside).

Anyway, as everyone says, there is really no perfect time. We've been discussing the timing of when to have #2, and until we figure out if/where DH matches, that discussion is on hold.

[Rapunzel]

We had one child in undergrad, twins during the second year of medical school, and another child during intern year of residency. We're three and a half years into residency now and we have another on the way.

I won't pussyfoot- it is HARD to stay at home with children during medical school. You have to plan, plan, plan. Here are some options to look into and some tips that I got from my friends who were all full-time moms during their husbands' med school years:

- Look into scholarships - any and all. You can find "payback" type scholarships with the rural and military programs (where you owe a year for every year of financial help you get for the scholarship).

- Find out if your husband's medical school is one of the benevolent ones that will increase his financial aid award if he has a wife and child to support (some will, ours didn't ).

- BUDGET! Buy second-hand baby clothes (or, better yet, see if any friends are willing to unload their old baby clothes on you), make more of your own foods at home (pre-made foods are often pricier than fresh produce and basics like sugar and flour for example), find cheaper forms of entertainment (going out to eat once a week is just NOT going to be an option)

- Seriously think about how much support (both financial and emotional) you can count on from family and friends. Our families couldn't really help us too much financially (beyond my mom buying my kids' clothes during those years) but they babysat for free and did what they could to help (like my dad fixed our water heater when it broke).

- Try to own a home rather than rent. Mortgage payments are often MUCH cheaper than rent.

- Rely on public transportation for husband to get to med school - that way you can survive on one vehicle (less cost in maintainance and auto payments). I spent a couple of years taking my husband to class in the am and picking him up. The other years we lived near a commuter train, luckily. There's also the option of possibly commuting with friends.

- You will need medical insurance during those years - for you and the baby. (We made this a priority and it was a good thing with a son who ended up having three neurosurgeries and numerous MRI's and twin daughters with serious health problems - all happening during those four years of medical school. Our bills would've gone into the HUNDREDS of thousands without coverage!). Figure out if you can get coverage through the medical school or somehow afford COBRA coverage or something - BEFORE you decide to have the baby.

Well, that's all I can think of off the top of my head. It's not easy- but it's do-able. My husband and I felt like we didn't want to put our lives on hold just because he was in school and training. We are the type of couple who decide what we want to do and then figure out a way to make it happen. That means we've jumped off a lot of cliffs, but we always manage to land on our feet....

Jennifer

[HeartRN]

We had our first during DH's fellowship. I've either been in school full time or worked full time ever since he started med school. The nice thing about being a nurse is that I can put in full time hours but work only three days a week (she's in daycare those three days). Granted, these are twelve hour days, but now we have a routine. I plan to be home full time when we decide to have a second child. I'm glad we waited until fellowship, but I think we would have been fine if we had kids before that, too. As far as a decrease in "couple time" once we had our daughter...well, maybe...but to tell you the truth, couple time was hard to come by even sans child because of our chaotic schedules! I would not change a thing.

[houseelf]

I have talked about this topic a lot, (see "When to have a baby" in the "Grand Rounds" forum). Out of all of the considerations to take into account, money is probably the least important variable, IMHO. You will make it financially, by rook or crook. It may suck, but you too will survive. (Yes, I'm saying this for my benefit as much as yours. ) Of far more importance are variables such as biological age, spouse's availability, outside resources like grandparents, desire, time, etc.

Best of luck.

Kelly