Competitive Parenting

[PrincessFiona]

I got a christmas letter the other day from a friend that has 4 girls. It basically said "happy holidays, child w (age 6) plays the piano, bassoon and violin and won an award for her sonata at competition Q, child x (age 8)had the lead in the community theater production of _____ and is competing at the olympic level in gymnastics, child y (age 11) plays piano, violin, cello, and flute..acts in school plays and won a national scholar award for ______ and finally child z (age 15) is at the top of her class, won academic awards/scholarships in science for when she starts college, played piano for the queen of england and had the lead in all of the school plays this past year.

You get the idea...I started really feeling inferior...shredding the letter didn't help one bit :>


I'm so freaking SICK of the competitive parenting.

[SueC]

::
Do you think she might have been stretching the truth a bit? I always wonder when reading those types of letters if people realize how obnoxious that is. I like Christmas letters as much as the next guy but the ones that are over the top are more comical than they are impressive in my opinion.

[fluffhead]

It's a wonder those kids have time to eat.
We're steering clear of all that extracurricular "enrichment" for the time being - let the kids take some time to daydream, explore the backyard, watch Bob the Builder...

Fluff, I took a break from all that too (well, except a family music class) until I realized what a great way it is to get out of the house in crummy weather!

Kris, your rendention of her letter is too funny. I like Christmas letters, except for the ones like that. We've been getting some particularly fun ones (in the atrocious dept) from 2 people (now married) that DH went to high school with but hasn't seen or spoken to for at least 10 years. They must have just looked up our address in the phone book. One of them has political ambitions so maybe it's a way to get us on the donor mailing list? If that is the case, I'll send a check to the other guy. :>
(As an aside....DH and I went to the same high school. A friend of mine dated the xmas letter guy mentioned above. One time while dating, she wanted to go out but his mom wouldn't let him. She said -- come on, just do it. He told her with all seriousness, I don't want to do anything that could someday hurt my political career.)

Oops. Sorry to hijack your post.

[Rapunzel]

Well, that mom is obviously proud of her kids. Maybe she just wants everyone to be happy along with her? It always helps to elaborate a bit in those newsletters: "Cindy played the lead in the play this year at the community theater and she found it to be really difficult to memorize all of those lines. But, she persevered and, although she made a few mistakes, did her best!" It's nice to cheer along with friend's accomplishments but if you are just running off a list of "did this,done that" for the year it really doesn't help you stay close to the people you send letters.

Maybe this friend is just a braggart looking for envy from those she knows OR she might just be clueless as to including the more human elements of what her children have done this year?

Jennifer

[HeartRN]

I'm with Sue and the ing emoticon! Sounds like that family has a virtual symphony orchestra living in their home. I'm sure they're proud of their kids, but oh my....We get cards (I mean letters) like this each year, too.

[houseelf]

Yes, but I wonder what our Christmas letters would be like if we wrote them with complete abject honesty.

...Well the highlight of our year was our baby daughter's birthday. After losing my plug, I went to the hospital where the bastards made me wait until I was four (FOUR) centimeters dialated. I vaguely recall shoving my finger in my husband's chest while admonishing him "THE EPIDURAL IS YOUR ONLY JOB AND YOU'RE FAILING!". Twenty hours later after vomiting and eliminating other bodily fluids, the third love of my life appeared....

...DS also is doing exceedingly well. Recent developmental milestones have assured us that when he grows up, he will never be anybody's bitch. He has talks back and defends his turf with the best of them....Just the other day, he got into a physical altercation with our neighbor boy...

...The marriage is going well also. While we remain hopelessly in love, we still argue over the same petty things including DH's inability to put his clothes in the basket and my almost freakish ability to worry about absolutely anything. The doctor says that the new course of psychotropic drug therapy should really help! Anyway, there is nothing better than being married to your best friend..... Of course, we have had our regular hell-come-to-Jesus sessions regarding his psychotic career path...

...The house has been nominated by our neighbors for one of those reality TV shows wherein they take some dump and marvelously transform it into an inhabitable edifice using a few shoe strings, $20, and a glue gun...

...The good news is that our inlaws continue to live 13 hours away...

buh-bye

Kelly

I'd try my version but I think it would have to be in a private forum.

(btw, did you really say that to DH re: the epidural? )

That's funny, Kelly! Thanks for the laugh! Oh, and about the bodily fluids part....that's my biggest fear about labor...even more than the pain! I know, I need to get over it!

Fluffhead, I agree with you on limiting extracurricular activities for children. I think children really need to have time alone to explore, dream, and just be themselves so they can get to know who they are and feel comfortable being themselves.

Kris, I really wouldn't feel jealous of or inferior to this family at all. Really, how many times a week do you think this family is able to eat dinner together? I think family time is a much more important part of growing up. The memories I have of my family while growing up (playing board games, eating dinner together, etc.) mean so much more to me than the memories of recitals, etc... If your children were involved in all of these activities, would you have had time to go out to a Christmas tree farm and cut down your very own Christmas tree? The memories that your children will have of their dad cutting down the tree will mean so much more to them. You and Thomas are doing a fantastic job!

Erica

[Rapunzel]

Actually, it appears that each of those children has about two or so weekly activities with periodic "large events" - such as a play or competition. That's not going overboard in my opinion. If the parents are making an effort to schedule family time and setting aside a dinnertime everynight for the entire family then they're probably not suffering - perhaps busy is a better adjective. For example, one year in high school I was in debate and drill team, played the violin (and won competitions doing so), became a National Merit Scholar finalist, and won the most medals of any student in my regional Academic Decathlon. It was a lot, but I could handle it at the time and spent about four to six nights a week at dinner with my family (in addition to almost all of my Sundays).

I don't think there's anything wrong with stating happy or proud moments/activities in a newsletter to friends. But, I do think that it needs to be tempered with personal information (the why and how - not just the what and when).

That was a pretty funny rendition of swinging to entirely the opposite extreme from what the friend of Kris' wrote, Kelly.

Jennifer

[HeartRN]

Kelly....Could you please come here so we could go out for a few beers? I could use more comic relief to break up the daily blahs!

Oh, and Erica....pain versus body fluids with labor? Hopefully your experience isn't like mine...but in my case, the pain and breaking out the vacuum to make one last attempt at vag. delivery before c-section definitely overshadowed the fact that I *ooped while pushing. Sorry, probably TMI, but hey, I'm a nurse--bodily fluids are what I deal with Thankfully, every L&D story is different!

Rapunzel, it's true that each of the children may only be involved in about 2 activities, but when you have 5 children all involved in different activities....it seems like they might run into trouble coordinating schedules. However, I guess you could always have 10 different activities scheduled at the same time on the same day of the week.

Marla, thanks for the reassurance! I know I totally should not be obsessing about this because, when the time comes, I'm sure I'll be preoccupied by the pain. I really wasn't concerned about it before, but we're in a very small town and I run into my OB/Gyn all the time. I just don't know if I could face him again. I know, I know...he's seen it all and couldn't care less! Oh well, I only have another, oh, 6 1/2 months to obsess!

Erica

[PrincessFiona]

I have no problem with them saying positive things about their kids (just to be clear) it was just over the top. When they lived here we were friends with them....they have 4 girls and they ran NON-STOP. The mom (a sahm) used to call herself a not-at-home mom....instead of a stay at home mom.

The girls each play 2-3 instruments for which they take lessons...they all also must participate in at least one sport and all girls are also brownies/girl scouts. Add the play rehearsals for the kids to that and the dance recitals etc.....These girls each easily have at least one activity every day....not two a week.

Kelly,

That's too funny! If you head south, we can drink beer (or bourbon) AND go running. Okay, I'm about to write about my personal preferences and observations concerning "holiday letters". First, I rarely like to receive them because of the few that I've received / read over my parents' shoulder when I was still at home, the vast majority are simply platforms for unbridled bragging. Again, I've only read a few but I've seen some really egregious ones.

As to the letter Kris received, perhaps the lady had good intentions, but I think holiday letter writing from the limited sample I've seen seems to sort of "self-select" for braggarts. Indeed, it might be a false choice between activities or family time but I think a lot of kids probably are overscheduled. But whether or not the writer had good intentions or whether her kids have a good quality of life, I probably wouldn't want to a holiday letter (at least like the ones I've already read which I'm guessing are similar to the one Kris received).

I mean if you have a close relationship with a family or friend, in many instances, not all, do you really need a long, detailed letter to catch up? And even if the correspondence is nice and welcome, do you really need to know all the details e.g. Lizzie is in the top of her class and participated in the gifted child program at Harvard this summer?

Okay, I'm about to close this mini-rant. Perhaps the funniest thing about these letters is that they're often sent out en-masse tipping you as the recipient off to the fact that it's really not about catching up with you. Along those same lines, again in my limited experience, the ones I've read put a perplexed look on my face before I even read the letter. Why you may ask? Because the letter writers haven't seen or spoken to me in years and probably will not for another few years!

P.S. Don't worry about me. I am loved at Christmas and year round by some special people who thankfully never write me a holiday letter.

Kevin,
Can you PM me your address -- I want to be sure you get our Christmas letter!
(just kidding)