changing relationship

[houseelf]

This post may come off a tad more sanguine than I intend, but recently I have felt a little sad about something that many will think is silly.

On one hand, I am proud of my son's new found independence. Just the other day, he came home from school, got himself some milk from the fridge, took out all of his rescue heroes, started a video, and self-entertained himself for over three hours. On the other hand, he has decided that he no longer wants to wear shirts with cute bears on it, has changed my title from "mommy" to "mom", and started to request privacy in the bathroom on occasion. Already his friends are starting to become important influences in his life. In his eyes the fact that _____ no longer plays with me is all consuming. I have to respect his emotions regarding his budding social structures.

This independence is everything we've worked for, right? I simply can't believe how big he has become so quickly. I know that he is not leaving for college quite yet, but I just can't believe how rapidly my role is diminishing. The silver lining to all of this is that DH has assumed a more important role in DS's eyes. Father and son have a fabulous time going to hockey games, watching star trek, and giggling at bodily noises. Meanwhile, I find myself having to work to find new ways to connect with my son since I am no longer the center of his universe. Although he loves me dearly, girls are "yucky" and I am just "mom".

I watch him now as he seeks out other boys without any introduction or prompting from mom. At the park, I am no longer a participant if there are other children, but an observer and/or enforcer of gleefully whooping and hollering savages. At one point, I remember fearing that his slight physical stature would make things difficult for him socially. Now I see that his gregarious personality is a far greater asset than I originally factored into the social equation.

Although this is an age old sentiment, I guess this is my first sobering pang of separation anxiety. To those of you who have gone before me, my heart goes out to you. It never gets any easier, does it? How do you send them out into the cold, hard world?

Sure, I have a darling baby girl with whom I can experience babyhood again. Even though children are not interchangeable, being able to refocus on her is my saving grace. On the other hand, there eventually must be a "last" one and she is probably it. (or not--hell I can't decide. )

Most days I feel overwhelmingly blessed, but occasionally, like today, I grieve my mortality and the alarming speed in which my life is going.

I'm sure that I'll be on here tomorrow griping about his new-found sass mouth that accompanies his growth toward independence as he grapples with boundaries. But until then, anyone want to share a round of anti-depressant cocktails or at least a cold beer? Anyone else willing to commiserate and/or celebrate their kids' growth towards independence and separation?

Kelly

[SueC]

Say it isn't so Kelly! Just tonight I was watching TV and Mitchell crawled up to me and kind of mashed his head into my shoulder like he wanted to get as close to me as he possibly could and I was thinking how lucky I am to have this baby that adores me so much. You mean the day will come when I won't be the center of his universe?? That makes me kind of sad, though I know it's just part of growing up. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those people when my kids are all grown up that goes up to complete strangers with small children and reminds them to enjoy them becuase they grow up too darn fast! Almost makes me want to go wake my kids up and give them another hug. Almost...I did just get them all to sleep and it is pretty darn quiet around here!

[BonBon]

Re: changing relationship

Most days I feel overwhelmingly blessed, but occasionally, like today, I grieve my mortality and the alarming speed in which my life is going.

Kelly, my guy is only one so I don't have any advice to give you, just . But I can certainly relate to the above statement. Sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I'm 33, married, and a parent! It feels unreal sometimes, I feel like my life is at warp speed. I know he's only one, but I am constantly tearing up when he does something new that signals that he is rapidly becoming an independent, sentient being. Where did my tiny baby go??

[BonBon]

Just tonight I was watching TV and Mitchell crawled up to me and kind of mashed his head into my shoulder like he wanted to get as close to me as he possibly could and I was thinking how lucky I am to have this baby that adores me so much.

Sue, I love that feeling. Gavin does that too and it certainly makes a difficult day melt away. I can't believe that some day he'll be sassing me and then ask to borrow my car. Wah!

[mommax3]

Yeah, Kelly, that is a hard reality, isn't it, that they will grow up and not "need" us! And it happens just about the time we have given up any semblance of a life apart from them, too!

My little one (who is 3....NOT even 3.5....and today put on a hand-me-down Nike shorts outfit that is size 6!!!!!) is growing too too fast, and I savor every kiss I can get on the rapidly disappearing chubbiness of his still-babyish face. It makes me really sad when I think about it.

On the upside, though, the personalities that are emerging are a lot of fun. My middle son is turning into quite a little shopping buddy, much to my surprise. He has always been the calmest one of the three, and I think he enjoys the one-on-one time, too. Today he went to Penneys with me and helped me pick new towels to make our master bath look spiffy while we have the house on the market. My oldest is more and more interesting to sit and talk with.....he can understand so much now, and when he is in one of his mature modes, it is almost like having a conversation with a friend.

I hear you about the mortality thing, too......I would go back to the time when I was expecting my first baby (or second, or third) in a heartbeat, if I could be assured I would end up with the same kids! It is a wonderful time of life, albeit SO tiring and busy. I just find myself making a renewed effort to enjoy each day with my kids, even when it is full of the mundane, and I try to intentionally savor the moments. They do go so fast!

Kelly......follow your heart with the baby thing. If Sean isn't dead set against it, go for a third. If DH hadn't been sure HE was done, I would have had another, and I still sometimes wish we hadn't made the decision permanent.

And remember, Kelly, you are always Cade's mom (or mommy, if you prefer! ) and no one will ever fill that role.....it is just that it is constantly evolving.

Sally

[houseelf]

Thanks for all the support guys. Truly, I feel kind of like a chump for even feeling this way. I am blessed with gifts some will never know. The pre-kids me would probably just tell someone like myself to get over it.

Sally said:

Kelly......follow your heart with the baby thing. If Sean isn't dead set against it, go for a third. If DH hadn't been sure HE was done, I would have had another, and I still sometimes wish we hadn't made the decision permanent.

DH loves his kids. (He used to go to Meijer's before he met me and get upset seeing the families because he was afraid it wouldn't happen for him.) Further, DH wanted to start trying for number two A LOT earlier than I did, as in two years before I was ready. He really got anxious about trying for number two as his lab years were approaching and I was like, well, I don't know.....

As far as no 3 goes, he says the ball is completely in my court. We both know that we'll never look at a third child and think, "Gee, I really regret the time, energy, and money drain that you are...." But we are both realists, almost to a fault. He knows that his career really makes this a much bigger issue for me than him. I'm thrilled to be the primary caretaker to our kids (98.23 percent of the time ). In short, he would be thrilled, but he won't press me (or refuse me) a third. I think that since he has two siblings, he would secretly like a third because it is what he is used to. (Of course, I am one of two so this feels normal to me).

The question becomes, what do I want? Fortunately, this is all esoteric right now becaus I have a six month old. Nonetheless, I think about it at least weekly, however. DD has gone through three sets of clothes which make me think about whether I should give them away or keep them. She just started sitting independently, and with her, I try to hold onto every stage. Damn, I just don't know if she is it. The mother in me can't say "done" although the realist in me says that I'm a 31 year old with two healthy kids married to a workaholic. Do I decide with my heart or my head? Time will tell, my friend.

Anyway, thanks for the love.

Kelly

[HeartRN]

I already feel this way and she's not even two yet.....Not to hijack your post (it is sort of in the same spirit of the originial), but isn't also amazing what a powerful element guilt is in mommyhood? *sigh*

[Sheherezade]

I have two great quotes on this topic--the first is that parenthood is the only job that you gradually lose if you do it well. The second was in reference to residency---someone told me residency was like parenthood, the days are long but the years are fast. So true.

My son is 8 and a half and he is still pretty chummy with me. I think you have to be sneaky about how you interact with them as they change. He is really into sports these days, so I started casually reading the sports page over with him when I'm looking at the paper before he goes to school. (like I knew this much about the Cavs and the Indians before this year Kids are so gullible!) Now, he's double checking sports facts with me and gets mad if I forget to get the paper before his bus comes. He is also really into toy soldiers so we are building a big paper mache model battle table in the basement. I hope I can stay connected as he gets older. Certainly, moving this year brought him back closer to the family because he had to make all new friends--maybe it is harder to compete if the friends are there all along. Cheer up, he still needs you and always will. He's just trying out his own wings and you get to be his safety net.