Andrew's bad year...

[PrincessFiona]

My 10 year old has just had an awful year. Last night he sat on the sofa and basically said "my life is terrible"

He's been subjected to teasing all year that started out in phy ed and has just gradually been a regular part of his school day. I've had talks with the teacher and principal and we seem to get it under control just to have it start again. The most recent incident involved kids throwing soup at him in the lunch room when his back was turned. I actually thought about going into the classroom after that and fantasized about ripping the kid's hair right out of their conceited little heads. :>

He is having to get a full set of braces in two weeks to correct a 21 mm underbite that is causing speech difficulties and the newest:

He had a physical therapy consultation this week. We anticipated that nothing would come of it other than learning that he is a little akward, which we know. WRONG. He's going to have to have casts made of his feet and then get orthotics because his ankles roll in and he is walking on the sides of his feet. Then I was told he has significant developmental issues (physically) including muscle weakness in his legs and his upper body and that his leg muscles are too short/tight which causes him not to be able to sit properly. (All of this time I've snapped at him to 'sit normally' because he sits so STRANGE...I thought it was behavioral...He also didn't ever stay sitting at the dinner table and I was always riding him to sit down. Can you say guilt?) As a result of the muscle weakness, his hips are crooked...though his spine is straight.

In addition,he has poor balance and motor coordination.

He was supposed to start dance this week but I told him we were going to pull him out because he is going to have to do physical therapy twice a week. The first cycle goes for 6 MONTHS.

I feel like a real failure for not noticing all of this sooner. I just thought that Andrew was my math kid and more physicall akward...it never occurred to me that there were actual problems. The greater concern that I have is whether or not all of these problems translate into some larger disorder.....

sigh...poor Andrew!

[Vanquisher]

Oh my goodness! Poor Andrew! That is a lot for a kid to go through, and I am sorry that he has to go through all that. It is hard enough being a kid. I just don't understand why kids tease so much. It just makes me want to cry thinking about your poor little guy. Not that I didn't tease kids when I was younger, but sheesh. I thought maybe parents these days were teaching their kids to be a little more tolerant. Maybe that's my niavete. Sigh.

My son, who is 7 is deaf in one ear. When he was first diagnosed with the loss, at AGE 4, I felt much of the same guilt that you are feeling. Why didn't I notice it sooner?? I mean, deafness, surely I would have noticed. I had been badgering him to listen to me and pay attention. But, the truth is he never failed a hearing test. He had tubes put in his ears. at 14 months, and was screened then. He also had the newborn screen. Earlier in the year from when he was diagnosed he started speech therapy. He had just had a complete restructuring of the floor of his mouth do to a severe ankloglossia (tongue tie). I won't even go into the guilt I felt over not being able to breast feed him, only to find out that it was a physical thing that he couldn't do. Now it is looking like he probably needs glasses too. And all I think is, can't this kid catch a break? And then, guilt, giult, guilt.

But, all that rambling was to point out that it is not your fault. You are doing the best you can for him. There is no need to feel guilty. I know that you must be feeling that these new developments are only going to make it worse for him at school. I sincerely hope this is not the case. I have a friend who has put a lot of information together on bullying. Does your son's school have an anti-bullying program. It is a big deal, and no kid should have to face torment like that. My heart aches for him. If you want I can get that info for you for you to take to the school counselor and principal. It might take a few days though because she just had a baby.

Anyway, hugs to you, and to Andrew. It will get better. And, when he grows up to the wonderful adult he will become, you can look back and know that you did okay.

Throwing soup at him? I would have to restrain myself from smacking those kids. What is the matter with them?

I can totally see why you would feel guilty but I don't think you should. Those things are really hard to notice and pick up on when he has always been like that. The important thing it that you know what is going on and are taking some good steps to help him out. Is there any way he can dance and do physical therapy or do the days conflict? Or some other "reward" for having to do all this other stuff?

I have orthotics (though I don't wear them as often as I should ) and the foot casting wasn't too big a deal. It could even be kind of fun for a kid to see how they do it and get a cast back of his feet. They really helped me with some knee and hip issues.

And braces too! Poor kid is getting it from all directions!

[Rapunzel]

It's amazing to me that behavior we would consider assault (ie illegal ) in the adult world is tolerated in an environment that is supposedly there to help children become adults. No wonder we have so many more people growing up to be criminals - their behavior was learned while still children.

Well, Kris, you know what I think about all this (and, no, you are most certainly NOT to blame for any of this) but I'll keep my trap shut right now.

Let me also add that I can empathize with Andrew. I remember quite vivdly being about 10 or 11, putting my head in my mother's lap, telling her that "I wanted to die," and meaning it. Poor Andrew. You need to watch him for signs of clinical depression if things are as bad as I suspect....

Jennifer

[PrincessFiona]

Jennifer,

I know how you feel...and honestly, I'm very seriously looking into homeschooling next year. I have a lot of concern about this simply because I am organizationally challenged and I also need a break. I'm not like you...I have to have a couple of hours to myself or I need prozac. I am also concerned about putting together a good program with enough social interaction for the kids that they don't suffer from a lack of socialization (though apparently, socialization is the problem here )

I do believe that Andrew is depressed.

Kris


PS

Did I hear this right?

but I'll keep my trap shut right now.

I almost feel like I should quote it in my siggy!

Just givin' you a hard time! :>

[fluffhead]

What a horrible situation. Having been on the receiving end (as well as giving ) of school teasing and other injustices, I'm not sure which was worse - the actual offense or the aftereffects of parental stepping-in.
There's no good solution....except - if home schooling is not an option, is there an acceptable private school around? It seems like the public school system is failing this child, to say the least. Maybe a Montessori or faith based institution would serve him better.

[SueC]

Oh Kris, that poor kid! I wanted to cry too when I read your post. Don't let yourself feel guilty over all of this--as parents we do the best we can and sometimes things slip past us. You were probably so used to his physical status (which doesn't sound so glaring that somebody other than a professional would have necessarily caught) that it didn't occur to you there would something else going on.
I hope things improve for Andrew soon...at least school is out soon so he can get therapy under way and hopefully start fresh next year.

[Sheherezade]

The experience of being bullied is terrible - almost as terrible as witnessing the bullying of your child . I was horribly clumsy as a kid (still am) and fashion challenged. Needless to say, doing other people's homework was my best way to make friends. I found that developing a good set of come-backs and a strong sense of humor was the best way to get around the teasing. I'm not sure that's healthy, but it is a way to turn things around. I've tried to teach my kids the art of the witty retort . We certainly aren't taking many people in hand-to-hand combat.
I have two questions. Have you had a serious talk with the school about their view of this issue? [ Do they understand what you are hearing at home? I remember the incidents earlier in his class and I seem to recall the teacher was unaware. Of course, that in itself is an issue. ] Secondly, what does Andrew think would make things better? Does he have any ideas? Sometimes a child's solution can be very telling. My own personal reaction: Is there any way you could help him build his own support network? Does he have friends you could help become better friends by setting up regular interactions? (Sharing an activity or hobby together?) What does make him feel better? Can you build on that?

As to the physical stuff, I can't see that you could have found out earlier without being obsessive. It isn't as though you haven't given any thought to this subject! I wouldn't feel guilty for long. Andrew is going to need you to be positive and help propel him through these bad times. He is lucky to have a supportive household. Now go get that kid some ice cream already!!

Kris,

Sorry to hear it. I'm hopeful in the way lunatic is hopeful when she writes,

But, maybe all of the help that you are now getting him will help him find his strengths and emerge as a solid, confident pre-teen.

I applaud your involvement with the school. From what little you've written, it sounds like they are making a real effort and that this incident is hopefully just another rough spot that can also be worked out.

I imagine it must be really tough as a parent to see your children face difficult times and difficult people. But I think with careful support, persons can and do often face up to numerous challenges and even come out better for it. It sounds like Andrew is getting that support from you and the school system -- with the caveat that it is a rare school that can keep the lunch room completely under control. I echo what others have said about monitoring for signs of depression and continuing your efforts to keep tabs on the situation.

But I (having FAR less information about the situation than you do of course) would definitely exhaust every option before seriously considering pulling him out of his school. I see that as a last resort for several reasons. First, I see great potential for developing resilience and toughness (though the process might be tougher on you than on him in some ways). Second, it may not be what Andrew wants (if he could really evaluate several choices). Third, I think the changes themselves are quite stressful.

Okay, this post is getting long. Perhaps it would make you and Andrew feel better if you directly told him that you were sorry (for a very specific, limited thing). Something like "I want you to know I'm sorry for the time I corrected your posture habits ... since now I know what I didn't know then about...." I can clearly remember from my childhood a few instances when my parents said they were sorry. [Please note I'm not saying you have a lot to apologize for....I guess something along the lines of "wow, that must have been tough for you when you had problems sitting a certain way...."].

My apologies to you and everyone who has read this far. I'm now waiting for the "longest post by a non-parent in the parent forum award." I'm hoping there is a cash prize.

[HeartRN]

Kris....I'm so sorry Andrew (and you) are having such a difficult time. You are an awesome parent and it's clear to me that Andrew is an amazing child.
Hang in there...

Question about the Physical Therapy eval...has a physician concurred with their assessment? If not, it may give you more reassurance that this is the right path to take by getting a second opinion. Just a thought.....

Take care.

[Meenah]

Kris,
I am so sorry. I will go to the school with you and yank their hair out!!! Seriously, do not blame yourself. You are a great Mom and none of this is your fault. I'll be sending you warm thoughts.
Luanne