Well-meaning people are driving me nuts!

Ok, some family and friends have been driving me absolutely bonkers since they found out I was pregnant! I'm sure a lot of you who have kids have experienced this, too. I've been needing to vent for the last few months so here goes....

1. Baby naming advice: It's so funny how many people think that they actually have some input into what we name our baby! Family, friends, and not-so-close friends have been asking us for a few months if we have any names picked out. When I told a friend one of the names we had picked out, she said, "Oh, I don't really like that name. Do you have any others picked out?" Then the next day she left me a voicemail saying that she picked up a baby name book and had the perfect baby name picked out for us.... I felt like telling her, "That's great and when YOU have a baby, YOU can give YOUR child that name!" And she still calls every week to run down the list of names she has picked out for our baby. Gosh, whenever expecting parents tell me what they're going to name their baby, I totally gush over the name and tell them how perfect a name it is...whether I like the name or not!

2. Weight gain: Everyone is constantly asking me how much weight I have gained. So far, at 25 weeks, I have gained a minimal amount of weight.....so I always get the comments like "are you eating enough?" and "are you sure the baby is ok?" Every time DH talks to my MIL, she always seems so concerned that I'm starving the baby and she even told him that he should track what I eat. He told her that he's actually astonished by how much food I consume on a daily basis! I usually eat 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners not to mention all of the snacks in between....and the baby's measurements are all right on target....and my doctor has expressed no concerns about my weight at all....so, yes, I do think I'm getting adequate nutrition!! Of course, I'm sure if I had gained a large amount of weight, everyone would be concerned as well... What gives people the balls to even ask a pregnant woman how much she has gained, anyways??? I would never ask ANYONE, especially a pregnant woman, how much they weigh!

3. Unwanted visitors: All of our family and friends are wanting to visit us when the baby arrives. And that is totally fine....but I think they should be thoughtful enough to stay in a hotel rather than inviting themselves to stay at our house. If everyone stays with us who says they are going to, then we'll have 3 weeks straight of visitors in the first month after our baby is born. I don't mind my family staying with us, because they are aware of the strain houseguests can cause and they are planning on getting out of the house and doing lots of sightseeing and dining out while they are in town. The in-laws, on the other hand, are homebodies and the type of people who expect to be waited on....need I say more?? My best friend also wants to stay with us for a week but she has lots of personal issues with boyfriends/her job/etc. that she is trying to work through and, to be honest, I don't want to have to deal with her while trying to get used to motherhood! I feel like I would be a total b&$@% if I asked everyone to stay at a hotel, but I really want DH and myself to spend the first few weeks bonding with our baby rather than entertaining houseguests. I know everyone just wants to see the baby and think that they'll be helping us, but the thought of having houseguests is just stressing me out! But what if I have a long recovery or suffer from PPD? I just want to be able to have some alone time with DH and the baby. I feel like telling everyone that if they want to stay with us, they can stay for 3 days max, but since everyone will be flying cross-country to visit us, they are all expecting to stay for at least a week. I just don't know how to handle this....I'm afraid people will get offended if I tell them they can't stay with us...but I just know I'll end up hating everyone if they do stay in our house! I'm planning on discussing this with my OB next week....maybe doctor's orders will be NO HOUSEGUESTS!!

Arggghhhhh, maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I've been loving this pregnancy and don't want these things to prevent me from enjoying it. I have just been so stressed over the last few months about these issues. Sorry for the long rant, but I just had to vent somewhere.

Erica

[Rapunzel]

Well, I can at least address problem #3:

Very kindly thank anyone inviting themselves over to stay with you after the baby is born. Say, "Thank you so much! I'll need a ton of help. I'll put you in charge of all of the laundry, dishes, and cooking for the days you can stay and help me! And, I am probably going to need some help vacuuming and mopping while your here as well...." I'm soooo not kidding. Make it very, very clear that whoever is staying with you is doing so to be your housekeeper during those first few weeks. You might be surprised - some people will back out and some people will actually come through for you!

Jennifer

[mommax3]

Also for #3.....say that your pediatrician doesn't want the baby exposed to so many germs early on....and I am sure your pediatrician WILL say this if you need her/him to do so! You REALLY don't need all those people in your house unless you can basically treat them as indentured servants and trust them to do as you say without putting their own spin on what you "need". That sounds harsh, but I am not kidding. If they all want to come visit, maybe they could stagger things and come when the baby is a little older (and more fun!) and when you are feeling more like yourself and nursing is well-established, (if you decide to do that) etc.

Have your husband help you come up with a diplomatic way to deal with his family and head this off at the pass. You may be lucky and feel great after the birth, nursing will go great from the start, yada yada, but chances are there will be an adjustment period for you all and you will not want an audience while you are getting through it.

Just my 2 cents.....obviously I have strong feelings about this one!

Sally

[SueC]

That's a great idea Rapunzel. Our families were kind enough to work it out between themselves who would come when and had us covered for I think about 2 weeks after my dh went back to work (they didn't come while he was home so that we could have time together). During that time, they cooked meals, cleaned, and took care of the girls or the baby so I could rest or work. I think people should definitely be considerate enough to find out whether or not you even want houseguests at first. Everybody is different and especially with your first baby, I could see wanting to be alone so you can all adjust.
Regarding the baby names and the weight--it kills me how tacky people can be! I've got two friends that keep the name a surprise so that they can avoid negative feedback. And I totally got sh*t from everybody about my weight, especially with the first baby. I don't put on a ton, and don't show forever and constantly felt like people were hinting that I was starving my baby by not gaining that much--I'm just not built that way!

re: #1 and 2. People suck. Just wait for random strangers to touch your belly without asking. Um, would they do that if you weren't pregnant?

As to #3....from a practical standpoint, visiting later makes a lot of sense. You and your DH will have adjusted to parenthood, you will better know your babies moods/signals/sleep cycles, you'll be better rested, the baby will be more alert, etc. I like the suggestion re: the germs and the cleaning and chore assignments.

I'm going to go out on a limb here....but is this the first grandchild for one or both sets of grandparents?

[fluffhead]

Regarding number 3, having your husband run interference is a good idea. Instead of you being the b*#&(, have him be the b^%$^#%.
This is what I did for our first, telling people that they basically could not come and stay with us. It made me very unpopular with the inlaws, which was just an added bonus.

Thanks everyone for the tips and reassurance! I just need to get a spine and tell people that they can't stay here...period! I liked your suggestion, Fluffhead, and I'll see if I can convince my husband to do it...although he has less of a spine than me when it comes to things like this!

I really wish people would come out to visit when the baby is older, but a lot of those who are coming to visit work in the education field and have July off for summer vacation...so, if they can't make it out in July, they'll have to wait till winter break (of course, that would be fine by me! ). This is the first grandchild for my side and the 3rd on DH's side (his sister had two kids when she was a teenager and my MIL is basically raising them on her own...so I guess this is the first one that will feel more like a grandchild than her own child). I know everyone is excited about the baby, but......

I like Jennifer's idea about putting them to work...but I need to get a backbone for that one, too! And the germ excuse is a good one!

And, I've decided that no one will know the baby's name until the birth certificate is signed! I told a friend one of the names we had picked out for a boy and she responded, "Oh, you can't use that name! That was my cousin's name and he turned out to be gay!" People are just so weird!

Thanks again, guys! You've helped to calm me down a little bit!

ames... Freak people out by saying named like Oscar and Mable. Just go to the Social Security section with the baby names and choose something from 1905. (Although I must admit the Edwardian names are pretty popular now)

Weight...There is only ONE thing to says to a pregnant woman regarding her weight. "Darling you look WONDERFUL!"


Guests...TOTALLY make it clear that for the first 45 days (that's 6 weeks?) you will NOT be playing hostess. If you can't drive, you shouldn't be expected to be getting anyone coffee

A great gift for new moms is weekly maid service for the first 6 weeks.

If people insist on coming, buy a book on local tourist attractions and bookmark stuff close enough for day trips. I've done that with my regular houseguests, and they seem to like it....its like I am trying to provide entertainment LOL.

[HeartRN]

Ugh...I'm so sorry people are being so annoying. I remember it well....sounds like you've gotten great advice here...I TOTALLY agree about the cleaning thing if you must have visitors. My MIL and FIL came 2 days after I returned from the hospital after a very difficult L&D. DH and I still had boxes and bags everywhere from just moving the week previous. His dad was great...he put up the crib (yes, we had no nursery ready )....DH's mom was a little...shall we say..over the top....always wanting to hold Keelin and poking at her when she was sleeping. Plus, she left her on the changing table to go downstairs to get the camera I let her have it then!

Sorry to semi-hijack with my experience. I guess my point is, it just depends on how respectful your visitors are. MIL is fine now...(well, they visit Sunday, but they aren't staying here, so that helps, too). I wouldn't hesitate to be clear in your request that visitors stay in a hotel. It's MUCH more controlled that way. Who knows what your hormones will be doing then, too...it makes things feel very unpredictable and out of control sometimes. Good luck, and please keep us posted. And by the way, I'm sure you look beautiful pregnant and that you are doing everything right!

[BonBon]

Erica, I am so glad you posted because you've been on the quiet side lately and I was wondering how you were doing.

I can't believe your friend re: names. I thought my MIL was bad because she somehow got the idea that we wanted to name Gavin after her dad and sent us mountains of 'L' names and 'H' names. (we didn't want to - I simply asked what her dad's middle name and gave the reason that we were searching the family tree for a nice name with some history. ) That takes a lot of gall for her to tell you she didn't like the names you were thinking of. It would be different if you had *asked*. We are changing our MO with this baby - we are telling NO ONE of our name choices except for a trusted few.

Are you keeping the gender a surprise? I found that was always the first question out of everyone's mouth.

I am sooooo envious about your daily food intake. Wanna trade places? No one even mentioned my weight gain last time except at my 30-something week appt - the doctor said I really didn't need to gain any more weight. (FTR, I put on ~55 lbs. :thud: ) Maybe that's why no one mentioned it? Tell your MIL that the baby is essentially a parasite - it will take what it needs from your body, even if it means taking some of what you need.

About the visitors, I agree with all the advice. We were *extremely* fortunate in that people actually listened to me when I said I wanted the first week absolutely alone with my husband and son. It was wonderful. Kevin was on vacation and it was just the three of us for ten days. Maybe if you rip out the hotel page from the phone book and send it to all the visitors they will get the hint?

You are NOT being overly sensitive! I can't think of any other time in life when you are going through such huge changes. Good luck, and vent often. :>

[Meenah]

I only allowed my Mom to come after my girls were born because she took care of me!!!

Marla, is that why the tree is down????? MIL is coming to visit!!!!!
Luanne

Are you keeping the gender a surprise?

Well, I wish we weren't keeping the gender a surprise! I've had 2 ultrasounds to find out the sex and both times the baby was less than cooperative! The first time the baby had its legs crossed with the umbilical cord between them and the 2nd time the baby turned its back to us at the beginning of the ultrasound. We thought we saw something on the 1st ultrasound so we were thinking boy, but couldn't see anything on the 2nd...so now we're thinking girl. So, it's round #3 tomorrow! I'm just dying to find out so I can start shopping clearance racks for baby clothes, but I have a feeling this baby will keep us guessing till July!

I love everyone's suggestions and support! Can you all get on a conference call with me when I call my MIL to tell her that she can't stay at our house??? Pretty please???

[Phoebe]

Erica- I am so excited for you! Sorry to hear about annoying people and questions. I have to say though, that I love names! Please, please tell us! No one here will make comments! However, I understand not wanting to tell anyone to avoid opinions. My MIL had judgements about our names until her friends liked them and then it was okay with her. Luckily, we didn't know what the baby's name was until after each was born so it was our surprise since we knew the sex both times.

Weight gain! Ugh! I still get comments from my MIL that I must be starving my children because they are tall and thin (in-laws are morbidly obese). So the comments probably won't stop after pregnany!

Visitors: Can DH be the heavy and keep visitors at bay? I made it clear that my mom was staying with us for the first week so nobody tried to barge in. It was nice once she left to enjoy our little family.

Good luck and take it easy

oh man, I am sorry to hear that you are getting runover with well-meaningness(WTH?).

Before both our boys were born, my wonderful in laws took it upon themselves to pick out names(hundreds!). Just imagine every family name you can think of in Norway/Sweden, absolutley not a joke. When we were less than enthused about it, they then proceeded to select names from the bible. I don't have a problem with that, as I have a biblical name- but we already had the names picked no matter what they suggested, so to get them off our backs, during one of the phone calls I told them that we love the idea of biblical names and we had chosen one. They were very quiet with anticipation, I then told them that we were going to name our youngest- (first name) Meshack Black (last name). That ended the name calling, so to speak.

[mommax3]

They were very quiet with anticipation, I then told them that we were going to name our youngest- (first name) Meshack Black (last name). That ended the name calling, so to speak.

Shadrach Black has a nice ring to it, also. See how people are? I can't even resist criticizing your "pretend" name.

Sally