Trying not to judge

[houseelf]

O.K. I'm trying *really* hard not to judge because I have had to endure a whole lot of humility since becoming a parent, but I want to know your take on this. An acquaintance of mine is mom to an 11 y.o. and a 9 y.o. Apparently, the 11 y.o. girl is quite a figure skater and takes six (6!) lessons a week. The coach said that this is not enough ice time and if this girl wants to skate competitively she needs a minimum of 12 sessions a week. This mom said that most of these girls are withdrawn from school in order to accomodate this training schedule and their parents homeschool them.

The whole time that this mom is telling me this, I'm thinking, um...hello, SHE IS 11!!! How many kids get to the olympics? What about other experiences, friends, school? What about overuse injuries, depression, stress, and ohh....eating disorders? Out of all of the valid reasons to consider homeschooling, this is the lamest that I've heard. (CAVEAT---I'm not saying homeschooling is lame, I'm saying that this is a lame reason to homeschool unless this girl can think of no other way to achieve happiness in this life besides skating). This child's entire summer will be spent at the rink. There will be no lazy days of summer catching tadpools at the creek or family dinners or even family vacations....just training.

O.K., I guess that I have failed in my goal of not assessing judgment, but this just seems extreme. I'll even admit that I have been a hyper, slightly overscheduled parent before. (I let my 4 y.o. take swimming, Spanish, and gymnastics all at once this past winter). I should mention that the other daughter is just as involved in showing horses. Anyway, this conversation just boggled my mind.

If this gets too hotly debated, we can move it to the debate forum.

Kelly

Unfortuantley, she's probably not going to the Olympics because she is too old to start training that hard now. To be an Olympian she would have needed 12 sessions a week at 8. What are most of the "women" athletes anyway, 13?

[Meenah]

I could never do it, because I am too freakin lazy to get to an ice rink early in the am six days a week.
Luanne

[Rapunzel]

Welllll, that's a hard one. And, to be honest, my first impulse is to ask, "What does the girl want?" And, by that I mean not what the mom thinks her daughter wants but what the daughter's actual priorities are right now. This could be the perfect thing for the girl or it could be a misery and torture beyond belief for her. Tough call.

On a tangent - I DO think that it is absolutely ridiculous the ages that are allowed to compete in Olympic sports. I DO think the age limits should be MUCH higher (say, 17 or so?). I really do think that children should be, well, children and to be training over 20 hours a week for a competition is a very, very adult sort of thing. I think children need to develop a good work ethic, but this type of thing can become extremely unhealthy for a child in my opinion.

Now, if the daughter really DOES want to do this - and continues wanting to do it after she discovers the reality of 12 sessions a week (there ARE a small handful of children out there that thrive in a more "adult" schedule and universe). And, if the mom is willing and able to allow this child to somehow find the time to be a child (to have friends to play with, time to play or be silly, etc). And, if there are alternatives in place for this child should her Olympic dream be completely smashed (the most likely scenario btw) so that her whole world is not destroyed (maybe have some other hobbies and interests, hmmm?). THEN I think this could be done. Maybe this isn't a stage mom in which case it could turn out OK for the daugter. If we are talking about the stage mother personality type here then I don't know that things ever work out well for the poor child....

Jennifer

[mommax3]

I think it is a skewed priority system that lets the desires of the children determine the schedule of the family. :!

I realize that the above statement is a judgement of a lot of families out there, particularly those with kids in competitive sports, but I stand by it. There is no way I would want to put that kind of a burden on my child.....what if, after all of that sacrifice, she decides in a year she doesn't want to do it anymore?

Sally

[Rapunzel]

Well, obviously a parent has to be a parent and make the ultimate decision regarding whether or not a child should do what they want to do. But, I know that I try very hard to let my children do as much as they would like within reason. If they decide they want to do, say, karate and we can afford it and can fit it into our schedule I'll let them gp for it because it's worth letting them have the experience and, trying new things is a good way of learning more about yourself and the world around you. And, if the child or children who want to do karate decide they don't like it after a year - who cares? So they had a year of karate? They learned a great deal and had some new experiences to grow from. I don't see anything wrong with that. I always give all of my children the option of dropping extracurricular activities if after much thought and discussion they really don't want to be in them anymore. I've been very open with the kids about this and they've exercised it VERY infrequently.

Now, it can definitely be argued as to whether or not letting a child start taking over 12 hours of skating a week is "reasonable". In most families I know where the children are enrolled in public or private institutions it would most certainly be highly unreasonable. But, in a homeschooling family it is definitely doable because of the extreme flexibility offered by that educational option. That situation IS extreme. But, I can't completely discount it because of it's proximity to the edge of a scale. I can see finding the whole thing unacceptable if it is the adults in the child's life making these decisions regardless of the child's wishes. But, if the child wants to try this and the mother is willing and able (and not pushing ) then I don't see why not. In fact, in such a case, educating the child in a home environment would be the sensible thing to do.

It's a tough call - but mostly because I think it sounds like such an individualized, unique situation.

Jennifer

[SueC]

I thought the same thing Rapunzel mentioned regarding what the girls wishes were--if the girl is really that committed that she wants to skate her ass off this summer, and the family is also willing to make that sacrifice, I guess I'd think they should go for it. This is coming from a mom who has neglected to sign my kids up for anything. Actually we tried ballet and soccer but both of them refused to participate!