Commendable Empathy or Annoying Behavior?

[fluffhead]

Our 3.5 year old daughter has, since the birth of her brother one year ago, sometimes burst out crying when he hurts himself and cries. Lately, though, this has really gotten out of control. When he loses balance and falls, even if he whimpers slightly, she'll just lose it. I've tried reasoning with her, tried comforting her, I've tried ignoring her, I've tried punishing her. It's gotten to the point where when it happens I just pick her up and put her in her room and shut the door. Usually she calms down within 10-15 minutes.
I feel like I should be able to get to the bottom of this, and solve the problem. In any case, I feel like punishing her is probably the WRONG solution, but I can't deal with having her around when she's like that, and it usually gets the baby riled up as well (though many times he just stops crying and stares at her curiously).
Any ideas/similar experiences?

[SueC]

I think with some of these issues, you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why they are doing the things they are doing. Sounds like she started off with a genuine concern for her baby brother, but maybe has gotten a little carried away with the whole thing??? Or maybe she is trying to detract fromt he attention he is getting when he is hurt. At any rate, my advice is to completely ignore her or to keep doing what you are doing.

[fluffhead]

From what I can tell, the baby is going through a nasty teething bout, and is up half the night wailing. I think this might be having an impact on big sister, who is probably both exhausted from not sleeping enough, and throttled from all the crying. Anyway, I really lost it today, trying to get him down for his nap, while she was having a total meltdown locked in her room. They are both sleeping now, finally, and I'm eating ice cream. with a bourbon chaser.
Thank god our ovens are electric, or I'd have my head in one.
Hopefully next week will be better - I'm done teaching my summer course, and she's done with day camp (ugh!) so we can have some quality time.

[PrincessFiona]

They are both sleeping now, finally, and I'm eating ice cream. with a bourbon chaser.

Can I come over?

Fluff,

We had some similar issues with Amanda when Alex was little....She went from being devastated when he cried to..making him cry (I'll spare you the story about when she tore his little fingernail all the way off )

I think Sue is right on the money about ignoring it...and I would even go farther and suggest that she gets absolutely no attention positive or negative when she reacts that way...but tons of positive attention when she does other things like..play nicely with him or pick up her toys or something.

Seriously, ignore her...walk away...take care of the baby and don't respond to her until she's stopped her tantrum. And if that doesn't work..well, you didn't hear it from me! :> :!

Isn't it great to be done teaching for the summer?!

Kris

I think the "ignore it" or put her in her room til she is done is the way to go. With the ice cream and bourbon providing motivation to make it through.

[Meenah]

I'm eating ice cream. with a bourbon chaser.

That is soooo funny, I almost fell off of my chair I laughed so hard.
Luanne

[Vanquisher]

I agree with what everyone has said about the ignoring. Keep it up for a while though, because you will be tested, my friend. The screaming will be worse before it gets better.

[fluffhead]

Thanks for the advice. Yes we are being tested, sorely. The ignoring strategy seemed to be working, and for the most part she just runs away now when he starts in. But she has discovered a new and improved method of protest - a few minutes after being put to bed she'll start crying and screaming and demanding to get out, etc. We close the door and let her scream, hoping the baby won't wake up.
We're just going through a really tough time right now, and I'm sure it will all be better soon. I just hope I'm still mentally intact. (or as intact as I am currently)

[mommax3]

My oldest could not STAND to hear his baby brother cry. Seriously, DH and I thought he was autistic.....he could not deal with any kind of loud, repetitive noise. He would try (depending on how tired he was) to keep it together, but if he had to be in the same room with a crying baby, he would eventually dissolve into a crying mess himself, often rocking and ducking his head as he cried. Car trips (and there were plenty of them during that period ) were the seventh circle of hell. We would just try to help him distract himself or ask him to assist us (if possible) in helping the baby stop crying.....but the best thing was for him to get away from the source of the noise. Even when Nathan was born (Luke was 6 then) it was still a problem, somewhat, if Luke was too tired and Nathan started crying. When he is grown up and is about to become a father for the first time, I am going to have a talk with him about all this......I am afraid it could come back to haunt him!

Anyway......I sympathize and hope things calm down at your house soon!

Sally

Reading Sally's post about having her son help calm the baby gave me an idea -- could you give her a cozy spot to run to when he starts crying?
It sounds like part of her upset might be attention getting, so maybe that won't work....
Hang in there! Keep fighting the good fight!

[fluffhead]

Yes, Sally's idea is a good one - we're trying it all - providing two "safe zones" where she can flee, and then ignoring her.
As far as the bedtime wailing, we're trying a time-honored secret family solution, passed down parent to child for generations: Bribery With Cookies.

[DCJenn]

Well, the last resort is give the kids the bourbon and you all take a nap.

Jenn

that's a last resort? i thought it was the gold standard.

[Meenah]

You all are too funny. Tonight my daughter, who was our bedtime nightmare a few years ago came home and we had a glass of wine tiogether (she is 20 and off to Colorado on Wednesday to return to college). How quickly the Benadryl turns into a mutual glass of wine.
Luanne

[HeartRN]

How quickly the Benadryl turns into a mutual glass of wine.
Luanne

That's so funny, Luanne. I can't even imagine having a glass of wine with my daughter someday. But it's so true...the time really does move too quickly when they are small. I miss her being a baby sometimes!