The strong-willed child...

[PrincessFiona]

help...

My daughter is absolutely testing me to no end. Here's our morning scenario:

1. she got out of bed late and refused to eat breakfast

2. Alex was the first out to the van to leave for school. He let the dog into the van (Molly loves going with us!) The queen of the house immediately let off with a "you twerp, you jerk"...and then she proceeded to come into the house and turn off the garage light, leaving Alex crying by himself in the garage and trying to find his way back to the house in the blackness.

3. I heard all of this and ran and opened the garage door to find Alex crying at the door. "Why did you do this?" I asked Amanda. She lied and said "it was an accident" I refused to accept this and then she just became sassy and beligerant. "He's a twerp and I'm sick of it...blah, blah, blah, blah"

I really felt like grabbing her by the hair and pulling as hard as I could....or..popping her one. It took every ounce of self-control that I had left at 7.50am not to just lose it.

She is like this constantly now.

I need parenting help here, people...

[Rapunzel]

Sounds a lot like I was in my preteens and teens. I was a complete and utter brat. I remember once my mom got so mad at me I was kind of scared she'd hit me with the high-heeled shoe she was holding (but, honestly, I would have deserved it with the way I was behaving).

Have you tried putting a padlock on her bedroom door and sending her there the minute she starts into her brattiness?

Seriously, though, with me at least there was an element of power and control involved with my behavior. I knew my mom well enough to know what would reduce her to tears. I could find a wound and pick and pick and pick at it until it bled.

So, my only advice is to ignore her. Yes, ignore her when she pushes your buttons. Punish her for treating her brothers cruelly and allow her the full natural consequences of her actions (if she's late getting ready for school for example, LEAVE her at home and take her after you get back from getting the boys). The way to combat this behavior is also to react with amusement. See the humor in her preteen blustering, and don't be afraid to laugh at the ludicrousness of her behavior and what she says.

It sounds cruel, but it would've stopped me in my tracks if my mom had acted that way.

Jennifer

[PrincessFiona]

We are really beside ourselves, Jennifer. She has truthfully...always been my....difficult chilc. guilt, guilt, guilt I have struggled with her since she was a toddler and would go up to other kids and pull hair or bite. She is a real whirlwind...when she was 2, my next door neighbor (who had raised 3 boys) told me that she was overwhelmed by Amanda because of how 'busy' she always was. Truthfully...I was overwhelmed too.

I feel like she and I have always struggled with a push/pull instead of that cozy mom/daughter thing I had anticipated. Recently, it seemed like things were turning around...and now we're onto a new 'stage'...

I have declared no new books until she goes to bed as told ...and have followed through. We used to really spoil her with books. She loves to read and Thomas would buy tons of used books from amazon for pennies to the dollar. She got the entire madison flinn collection for under $7 ... NO MORE. She has developed a sense of entitlement that really bothers me.

I've taken away toys, yelled, screamed ..... tried to make her feel badly about her behavior ... tried 'noticing' the good things she does and downlplaying the not-so-good.

Hey...good advice though about finding the humor in it....maybe that would work...ridicule...yaaaah :> just kidding. But really...you are right about the natural consequences. That would be hard, but..I think I may do that.

[DCJenn]

Kris-

If you take a step back, and imagine what the video of this morning would look like, I'd bet you'd see one little girl running the whole show. and you're very right in that it has to stop.

If she likes school, then missing it by being late might work. However, if she doesn't like school then missing it becomes reinforcing. The rule at our house was that if we didn't have a fever then we had to help out around the house and there was NO TV and NO books, other than school books. Period. You had to clean your room, help with laundry, etc.

One suggestion I have is set an egg timer for 15 minutes out from when you have to leave. Put it where she can see it but don't say anything. When it dings, she'd better be ready and if not, I think the trauma of being left might stop her in her tracks. (is she responsible enough to be left for a few minutes while you take the others to school?)

I was a pretty feisty and mouthy child and the only answer my parents came up with was sports and Girl Scouts. We also played outside a lot.

Jenn[/i]

[PrincessFiona]

She would be infuriated if I let her be late and get a 'white slip'...so I do think that is a good plan. I usually set the timer on the stove (otherwise, I'm likely to lose track of time)...but I like the idea of having no more arguments...you're ready or you aren't.

I am not sure how to handle the breakfast eating refusal. She has a girl in her class that I can't stand... She and Amanda used to be friends. This particular girl won't eat and would kick amanda under the table in our home if Amanda tried to *gasp* eat dinner. We put the kabosh on that friendship, but it appears that the effect is definitely back....

She's in girl scouts....but its' really disappointing. The kids don't wear uniforms anymore and it's all so casual. We used to really work hard for badges, etc....now the kids have the instand gratification of completing a badge during each meeting....dumb...

kris

[DCJenn]

Have her daddy talk to her about the physical imlications of not eating breakfast, even show her some studies and let her try to make her way through them. BUT also make sure that you both are eating breakfast. It's a button for you and she knows it. Also, remind her that even Supermodels eat. (of course, don't tell her about Kate Moss...)

Jenn

[mommax3]

Make eating breakfast part of the "admission price" in order to get in the car and go to school.

I have made a chart for my boys that shows what they need to get done in the mornings, including a checklist that they can use when it is their turn to pack lunches so they know what to put in each lunchbox. It has ended a lot of the back and forth around here in the mornings (thank God because I am NOT a morning person!) because all I do is re-direct them to the chart.

Having said all that, I do think that girls are harder at this age, Kris, so cut yourself some slack. They do know how to push buttons.....I know I did!

Sally

[Sheherezade]

Great advice on attitude from everyone! I have to remember it for when my DD hits 9.

I was struck that your morning scenario is strikingly like ours several months ago. My son is 9 and my daughter 6. When the sassy, brat behavior got out of control for my son, we tried a number of things. He's not a troublemaker, but nothing would stop the vindictive behavior. UNTIL.......(yes, we actually fixed it!!) we started doing one "special" night a week ALONE with each kid. My husband takes him out to the batting cages or I take him on a walk. My daughter and I go to the library....that kind of thing. Anyway, since we started doing this, he's been much more thoughtful to his sister and responsive to us. It does take some time, so we've tried to put a 30 minute time limit on the "activity". I've heard some parents roll bedtime back an hour for each kid one night a week to give them some "alone with mom and/or dad" time. So--my only suggestion is that you may want to try to give her some more one on one time while continuing to enforce consistent rules with logical consequences.