when to have baby during spouse's residency?

Hi,

My spouse is a fourth-year medical student and will be starting residency in emergency medicine this upcoming summer. I have heard that she will be extremely busy, tired, and unavailable during the first year of residency but will have more time during her second year. She wants to be available for me during pregnancy to take care of me and answer my million questions as they come up, and she wants to be available when the baby comes as we all know there's a ton of work involved with that. However, I don't want to wait two *more* years for the "perfect timing". We have already waited two years while I finish the coursework for my graduate degree.

Any advice? Unfortunately, we will likely not have any family or friends in the location where she will be a resident at, so we wouldn't be able to rely on their helping out.

Thanks!

[DCJenn]

Hi-

Welcome aboard!

You will see that we've addressed this issue a ton of times throughout our years hwere on the web. I think the consensus is that it depends entirely on how well YOU are able to function on your own. Residency sucks and there are people who say 1) having a baby helps you blow through the residency years because you're both so tired and cranky that you go into survival mode or 2) Residency sucks so bad that adding one more stressor seems crazy. We went with #2 but there are plenty of people who went with #1.

Jenn

[spotty_dog]

Hi and welcome! We're in a very similar boat! Fourth year, EM, don't want to wait much longer for our family but do want my spouse to be involved and available to me when the time comes.

For us, lot is going to depend on the program he matches at. For example, we are looking REALLY hard at OHSU, which happens to have a reputation for "cushy" hours! In general though, if your spouse does well on the topsy-turvy schedule of shiftwork in EM, I'm pretty sure we'll find that our spouses' specialty is relatively benign compared with many others. During EM shifts, they'll have limited hours working and consequently a reasonable amount of time at home. During off-service rotations, things will be a bit more hectic but I don't think EM residents take as much call as the residents for that specialty, if you see what I mean. I'm not totally sure about this though.

I'm also worried about location. A resident's income won't stretch very far in LA or San Francisco or New York, and I'll probably feel compelled to hold down a full time job (and since full-time work doesn't mesh with my expected parenting style, that probably means no babies in those locations).

Anyway, all things considered I think we're going to go for it during intern year. (We'll be pinning things down over the course of the next several months as we proceed along the interview trail and into the Match.) I am just going to count on bullying him into taking whatever spousal leave is available through his program so he can be at the birth and first weeks. And after that, I'll take what I can get from him!

Good luck making this tough decision, good luck starting your family, and don't be a stranger!

It truly does vary a LOT based on specialty. I think Alison is taking a good approach. If you've heard that 2nd year is lighter, you may consider trying to get pregnant mid-intern year so that the arrival of the baby is towards the begining of the "cushy" time. That said, one rarely gets pregnant when "planned" so as with all things parenting (and medicine) related - you've kind of got to go with the flow!

Best of luck, and welcome!

[pstone]

Never a good time, just don't pick the worst. And then be okay with knowing people might not like it, and that it will be hard.

I am full time father..and right now...we don't see mom....breaks my heart but when else could you have them?

Hello and welcome.
All you can do is just jump in and do it.
There is no perfect time to have kids, no matter what you are doing.
IMO, as long as you start trying before mom hits 35, barring extreme physical stress, anytime is a good time.
Trying to time it for a slow period is good, but these things aren't guaranteed. Its far more important that you both welcome the idea of parenthood and children than when it happens.

[SuzySunshine]

We don't have kids yet, but we've finally started trying. After 1 1/2 years of residency we decided everyone was right there isn't a good time, you just have to find the right time for you. You'll find great support here from other spouses that have made it through it.

[Flynn]

I agree with what has been previously said: There is NEVER a good time -- just don't pick the worst!

Look into the archives on this -- it's been discussed and there are lots of perspectives.

I think in general having a child is extremely difficult and wonderful all at the same time. Doing it during residency add's at least three levels of "difficult" to the mix and you will have to be the primary parent.

Try and be realistic and NOT optimistic. That will help you navigate. Also, in all my years of watching this as a spouse, there seems to be nothing harder than "being Mommy AND being a doc" AND "being the stay at home dad married to a doc/mommy." When I put on my pity hat once in a while I think of these two scenarios and shudder. It's much harder than what I do!

Good luck!

My husband did a 3 year EM residency and, while there was never a good time to start a family, most of the residents who did choose to start families during residency did so during the last 6 months of the 3rd year. Internship hours were bad...DH was required to take call every 2nd or 3rd night on most off-service rotations. No call was required during the 2nd & 3rd years, but the hours were still long...he worked 12-16 hour days and averaged about 4-5 days off a month. DH also did a lot of moonlighting during the last year and a half of residency to help beef up his resume. I was working full time as well, so there were many times when we would go a week without seeing each other even though we lived in the same house. Before getting pregnant with our son, I had an appt with my ob/gyn and he asked what we had been using for birth control. I (half)jokingly said, "Residency!" But keep in mind that every EM residency has different requirements and there are some that require a lot less hours.

There were a few female residents in DH's program who became pregnant during residency and every one of them worked up until the day they went into labor...how they did it, I don't really know! They each took 6 weeks off for maternity leave, but ended up having to make up that 6 weeks later on...either during vacation periods or after the last year of residency. Would this be something that you and your wife would be comfortable doing?

If you are set on starting a family during residency, then I say go for it. You may want to wait to see where you match before trying to get pregnant so you can have a better idea on what the program's requirements are for each year.

[spotty_dog]

Internship hours were bad...DH was required to take call every 2nd or 3rd night on most off-service rotations. No call was required during the 2nd & 3rd years, but the hours were still long...he worked 12-16 hour days and averaged about 4-5 days off a month.

Icch. I wish that more programs made their schedules available, as I'd really like to compare based on this element. :| I will console myself though, that I am pretty sure your husband's program is known for being tough -- and for turning out "EM monsters" who've seen and done it all!

Would this be something that you and your wife would be comfortable doing?

If I read the original post right, it's the non-medical spouse who intends to carry the baby. I think she has another of the many possible scenarios in mind, that of being the stay at home mommy married to the doc/mommy.

[Meenah]

Welcome and glad you found us. I am one of the older Moms here, ours are all in college. The decision to have a child is a major decision, and once you decide you want to be a parent the timing is very individual. Having children is incredibly rewarding, and the most difficult job I can imagine. Being a doctor (IMO) is nothing compared to the responsibility of being a parent. A surgeon I used to work with always told me about the day the light bulb went off for him. He realized that 10 years from now most patients would never remember him, but 10 years from now his kids would remember him and what kind of parent he was or wasn't. A surgeons life is long hours for the length of the career!!! (sorry surgery spouses), and he missed alot, but his kids always knew he tried and did make it quite often to their activities over the years. Some may argue, but if the quantity of time cannot be controlled, the quality of the time you do have is so very important. Best of luck with your decision.
Luanne

Wow, thank you all *so much*. It is so helpful to get your advice, as advice from other medical spouses has been the most helpful ever. I went to one medical spouse event, and I find myself referring back to their advice a lot. I really appreciate your help.

I'm new to the forums, so I'm sorry that I have not gone back through all of the archives and this is a repeat question. I started reading the archives, but there are so many! So I doubly appreciate your repeating yourselves.

It's helpful to know that it's going to be tough at any time, but as several of you have said, at least we can avoid the worst! Alison, that's very helpful to know about EM residency in particular and the role of off-service rotations. My partner said she's looking particularly at programs which minimize off-service rotations. I'm planning to be a SAHM, which will definitely help. May have to take out some loans if we live in a metropolitan area.

Also, I'm okay with being on my own for the most part. It's my partner who doesn't want to miss a lot of the "firsts" with our first child, but I guess that goes with the territory of the profession, huh? I guess we're just trying to maximize our options and hope that she can have some memories of our first child through the bleary-eyed exhaustion of residency.

Sorry, my post was confusing. My female partner will be a resident, and I will be getting pregnant and staying at home with the child.

After reading your advice, I discussed this with my partner and we created a little tentative timeline. We'll begin trying to conceive about two months before her first year of residency. Given that one rarely gets pregnant right away, we'll estimate that maybe six months later give or take a few months, we'll get pregnant. That leaves the first two trimesters of pregnancy for the remainder of her first year of residency, which shouldn't be too bad. Then baby is born at the beginning of her second year of residency, so the baby's first year would be roughly her second year of residency.

Everybody's been so kind in this forum. I can't emphasize enough how nice it is to talk to all of you. I try talking to my non-medical friends, and their lives are so much simpler! They don't understand how stressful and difficult and constrained ours are. Must seem easier in the third person. Thanks!

[spotty_dog]

Yeah, I plan to approach this scenario expecting to be a step short of being a single mom. There are a lot of women who can raise children successfully without any partner at all, so having an unreliably available partner is surely easier!

A lot of students choose EM for the lifestyle, and some residencies capitalize on that. For example, at Maricopa they advertise this reason for choosing their program: "A mix of eight and ten hour shifts. We believe that you should have personal time after a shift for family, a workout, or personal time, and still have energy to read and study."

When we had THE conversation about this subject, I pointed out to my husband that it would be pretty unfair to have a child while he's so busy during intern year. "Unfair to who? ME? You're the mom!" I think when we're in the thick of it he'll have some regrets -- I'll never forget how possessive my friend the lawyer was of his time with his son, because he hated being away from him all day long at work. But sometimes you just have to suck it up and push through, I think.

And thanks for bringing this subject back to light, because I think there's a lot of new input here that hasn't really been discussed that I know of.

Don't ask the lady that started med school with 2, had a third during second year and hopes to add a fourth by intern year. We are seriously crazy but family comes first for us. I am NOT saying it is easy but so worth it. Plus, we are "older" students too. I am sure if age wasn't a factor for me, I may have waited a bit too.....We started our family quite young, I didn't want to get started in my thirties as we want at least four kids. I agree though with what has been continually said here, do what feels right for YOU!