miserable kids

[Sheherezade]

How long do you think your kids should go friendless in a new area before you make plans to bug out? Both my son and daughter have yet to make a decent friend. They have classmates they like, but no buddies and no real playdates. We've been here for a year and a half. My son is 9 and my daughter is 6. Frankly, I'm fed up. I have great kids. I love them to death. It is painful to put them to sleep crying from loneliness and "not fitting in" once a week. They had friends in both of our previous locations - which leads me to believe we're just square pegs in round holes here.

DH renegotiates his contract at three years. I honestly never never never wanted to move again. I'm not even sure it would help, but I can't stand seeing my kids this way. I've tried everything I can think of....but it just ain't happening. So....how long do you think it should take to make a buddy in your new town? And would you move again if your kids were still friendless after 2.5 years (DHs renegotiation time)?

[mommax3]

Angie, I am so, so sorry your kids are going through this. It stinks, for them and for you. I would definitely be contemplating some kind of change if it were my kids!

Have you made friends in your new place? Would a change in schools help? Are your kids in any other activities through church or sports or whatever? Those are good places to find friends, too.

I hope things will turn around soon. It is so hard to watch your kids feel left out and lonely, I know. We have had no playdates other than the ones WE have hosted, which made me feel weird at first, but having kids over made my boys so happy that I just went with it. Maybe you could try that?

Sorry!
for you and your kids!

Sally

That stinks, Angie. My daughter had a "two peas in pod" great friend in Denver...I know what you mean.

I was thinking of an idea similar to Sally's -- looking at different school options. That might be like a mini-move.

[houseelf]

Hi Angie,

If I'm honest, part of me can't even hear about this because I risk being in your same boat soon.

I totally agree with the schooling option, maybe you should look around.

But with this being said, I was kind of a late bloomer with the friendship thing. I was well-liked but never invited over until late highschool and college. I never had a core group of girlfriends until much, much later. The upswing is that I read a ton and was close to my family.

This social ineptitude helped me develop character in preparation for a life as a surgeon's wife.

I'm sorry...has my humor taken a turn for the deeply bitter????

Kelly

Oh. I'm sorry

[Sheherezade]

Thanks guys. I'm trying to look on the bright side. Thanks kelly for sharing your past experience. I keep wondering if I'm scarring them for life by keeping them here or if they will just be late bloomers. I didn't have a ton of friends as a little kid that I remember - but I did have a good buddy later on. Maybe it's just the age.

We are having a playdate today here. I need to do more of that. I've done some, but not enough. Kids are soooooooo busy it's hard to schedule. DS was invited over for a sleep over at a classmate's home next week. So...maybe I shouldn't complain. DS wasn't invited to this friend's birthday party and then ran in to half his class at the movie/sleepover event at the HP opening. Major bummer - but the friend apologized for not inviting him and explained that he thought Zach would still be sick with chicken pox. I guess that makes sense in the mind of a 10 year old with a limited number of birthday party invitations. The mother called me today and was mortified -- she heard from her son after the movie that they had all sat one row behind him at the theatre. She is now throwing a mini party sleep over for him and his friend. I can't tell if he wasn't included by accident (as the mom and son claim) or if he just didn't make the cut and now they feel awful that he ran into the party. Either way, he's handled it well on the surface. He's a shy guy - but it just breaks my heart.

DD came home yesterday crying over her old friends and filled with tales of rejection from recess. I don't think I can handle another year of tearful days. I'm not sure a move would help because we'd just be starting over AGAIN, but maybe this isn't our perfect locale. I suppose I just have to wait until this time next year and see where we are at. At least DH is very marketable - lots of academics move after they pass the boards. He'd get a staff promotion.....but ....well I'm sure you all can relate to the horror of settling in a new place 3 years after settling here.

I've made some friends but nobody close. Same as the kids. I think visiting Boston set us off; we had very close friends there. I don't know if we're going to find that here. I guess I need to keep looking. Thanks for the support. I need somebody to keep my spirits up if I'm going to remain the family cheerleader. :ra:

[DCJenn]

Angie-

Warning, this is NOT going to help in the short term:

When we moved from Pittsburgh back the the DC area, I was miserable, my mother was miserable, even the cat was mad.

We moved in December, and I started 2nd grade after the Holidays. I don't think I had ONE friend until we 1) changed schools (new development meant that the neighborhood all went to the new school once it was built) and 2) my mother couldn't stand us one more second and enrolled us in every single activity she could think of- Girl Scouts, Swim Team, etc. and then enrolled herself in every activity she could find (joined the symphony by buying the cheapest season tickets possible, found an alumnae group from her sorority, volunteered for the heart association, and volunteered to be the girl scout troop leader, etc)

I don't think I've ever been busier in my life. But, it was in Girl Scouts that I met my bestest pal Leslie, and she remains my bestest pal to this day.

Jenn

ra, ra...go, Angie!

I think my DD was just lucky to have found such a compatible friend at preschool. Maybe the age part is a factor? Most of my better friendships came later in school years and into college.

I have noticed a big difference between preschool and elementary school. I came in contact with parents more frequently at preschool and that made it much easier to set up play-dates, etc. It's been harder with elementary school. Even as the room parent ( ) and volunteering in the classroom, I don't see or talk to parents all that much. It's great to see the kids and put faces to names but there is something to the connection to parents as well.

How about sports or after-school classes? We haven't really established any friendships that way but it's an avenue to interact with different kids. Oh, I just remembered you are cookie mom so you must be doing Girl Scouts.

I'm sorry it's been tough Angie. That is a beautiful area, but I would imagine it might be tricky to find buddys in b/c a lot of people there would send their kids to private school. Then once you're out of the township, the houses are more spread out, etc. It's a big mix of "classes" - from the farm-like families to the ultra-wealthy. As much as I always hated subdivisions and suburbs in general, I've been completely thrilled with our subdivision here in KC b/c it's planted us in the middle of a lot of other people of the same age / family / etc.

I hope it gets better. Kids are tough on newbies ....

[Phoebe]

I can sympathsize, Angie. My daughter, although only 4 and in preschool got put in a classroom of an uneven proportion of girls and most of them knew each other from before. She hasn't bonded with one in particular and I can tell she is feeling left out and not wanting to attend school. She is more of a one-on-one person when it comes to playing and friendships. She is constantly looking for a "best friend" at school the teachers tell me. I feel for her.

I think you are doing the right thing by setting up playdates and encouraging your kids to interact with others. I hope the ice breaks soon. I know it must be hard for them.

Jennifer

[SueC]

That must be really tough Angie--I agree with what everybody else says, regarding trying lots of new activities. Surely they will eventually find a special friend and will in turn find more friends through that person. I hope the sleepover goes well for you son, hopefully it really was just a horrible oversight, and at least the son and mom are conscientious enough to want to make it right. I had to move in Junior High and had some major adjustment issues (preteen girls can be SO mean!), so I can feel your kids' pain!

Jlynnb-- we had a similar problem with preschool last year except there were very few girls. I think there were 4 or 5 at the start of the year and most knew each other from the previous year. One mom was particularly pleased about how her daughter only wanted to play with one child (and I think encouraged it). Setting up playdates and having them play somewhere other than school really helped.

I had forgotten about that until I read your post. It was frustrating for DD.

[planet]

Feel your sadness

Hi Angie,

Sorry you have to go through this.

It is soooo sad as a parent to see your kids having a tough time. I just keep thinking that if you hit it off well with say 10% of the people you meet then you have to go through 20 people just to make a couple of friends. So maybe it is age related and maybe just statistically difficult depending on the crowd around you. I sure hope it gets better for your kids. Moving-ugggh! Out of school activities do sound like a good idea, especially if the social structure is pretty solid already at school. I am taking lots of notes for the future.

An older friend of mine has a girl who was THE most popular kid in her class until she hit 7th grade. Pretty much in a single school switch she went to being isolated. It was hard for my friend to see, but ended up okay because her daughter was so involved in a sport that the sport became her life and outlet...still is and the girl's pretty darn good.

[Sheherezade]

Thanks for all the replies. We do some activities - DS is always playing the sport of the season and made the town soccer team this year. He's a great goalie. DD has done horseback riding, brownies and swimming. The kids enjoy the activity and interaction but it hasn't yielded any more involved friendships. I could step it up, but I don't want to be one of those 2 activities every afternoon families. Part of the problem for DS is that he was half of the most popular kid duo K-2 before we moved. Now....he's some kid lurking in the shadows. Apparently, his buddy took a social dive as well without moving. I suppose it was bad to break up the wonder twins.

The playdate went great. Both son and daughter played happily with the kids and I broke with community convention and asked the mom if she could stay for coffee during the playdate (prearranged). She accepted and turns out to be very nice. (Despite the perfect hair, clothes and car. I was *pretty* scared to have her over!!) So, maybe things are on the upswing???

I don't think there is anything more difficult than watching your child suffer and feeling helpless. I better toughen up before the teen years hit!

[Flynn]

Angie -- Kudos to you for being the person your kids can come to when they are down. That's just so valuable.

I cringe as I read your posts. My oldest child is three and still too young to need "friends" but I can feel your pain as you talk about your kids being left out and sad they don't have a "spot" among their peers yet. ERRRG it must be so frustrating as a mom to see them in pain and not be able to fix it immediately!!!

Hang in there. Your kids WILL find good friends because they are great kids and eventually the rest of their class will notice.

Tell us how your son's sleepover goes. I really hope he has a great time!!!