The need to vent....

[houseelf]

Lately I've been having a difficult time balancing the demands of motherhood, marriage, personal needs, and professional endeavors. It seems like something is always losing out. Lately, it has definitely been my work product and I hate this.

But all of this has started a seed of a revolution that I want to begin.



Why aren't there better resources in place for parents? Why is parenting such a private burden?



I know that I'm not the only working parent who has to scramble for a back up sitter when my regular sitter takes vacation. I shouldn't complain because my boss is absolutely wonderful about letting me work from home and come and go as I please at the office. Even so, I hate always having to ask for special accomodations. Besides, I'm angered on behalf of other parents who have no options but to leave their child with inadequate supervision or have no flexibility whatsoever built into their job. (My husband's employer, for example)



I had similar difficulties when I was a SAHM and had no place for suitable drop-in daycare when I had an appointment. I know that I can not be the only transplant in this city without traditional family resources to help share in raising my child. It angers me that some school districts are contemplating going to a 4 day school week thereby creating more children without adequate supervision. Long story short, why do we look a childrearing as a private burden instead of creating outreach programs and safe drop in daycares to facilitate parenting? This makes me CRAZY!!!!!



I realize that it is incumbent upon me to create some of these resources within my own life, and I have. (see post about babysitting cooperative) But still, I'm ready to lobby the legislature or create an organization or do....something!!!



Sorry for the rhetoric, but doesn't it take a village to raise a child? WHERE IS THAT VILLAGE? Let's get real here.



Kelly

I'm in the mood to rant myself and I'm kind of hankering for a deep philosophical discussion....or at least to have a good roar....so here is my take on it:



Quote: Sorry for the rhetoric, but doesn't it take a village to raise a child? WHERE IS THAT VILLAGE?



The village went to work, Kelly...really, plain and simple....In days of old, women always worked in the fields or home and groups of women and extended family helped each other out. Today, most women with children work outside of the home, and the "village" is the childcare center where a couple of women share the responsibility of being the underpaid, underappreciated "village".



We've become a very mobile society and most of us don't live near extended family..and even if we did...they probably wouldn't be able to help much because they are also having to work much later into life than their parents or grandparents...to pay for medications and retirement.....



Parenting has become in my desperate opinion an awful burden for mothers, who are expected to be breadwinners, spouses, martha stewart and Dr. Spock rolled up into one exhausted, overwhelmed bundle of nerves! There aren't better resources in place because we are too exhausted to put them in place and men.....don't have to because they have us to take care of the "family stuff". Instead of focusing on the realitites of life and parenting and helping each other, we hide our insecurities and fears and compete with other moms....we attend the fashionable child-rearing courses and try the parenting techniques of the month..probably established by male physicians (like Dr. Spock) or male psychologists who haven't ever had the responsibility of being the primary care provider for children...I'd much rather read a book by their wives, who have their PhD's in Life.



We hold ourselves to a standard of perfection that is simply unrealistic and unattainable...and we hold other moms to that same standard...we aren't supportive of each other...there is a huge divide...SAHM and Working moms...god forbid you fall in the middle because then you don't fit anywhere....I did that for a couple of years.



I find parenting to be the most challenging thing that I've ever done...and let me just say that not once in this entire time have I ever been praised for what I do...not flippin ONE TIME, Kelly...The only feedback as a parent that I have gotten that was positive is from my own mom.....the minute my children entered school my phone began to ring weekly with some new and ridiculous complaint or thought from a teacher. Things have changed in the schools...teachers now are pseudo-trained to identify children with "issues" and so now if their poop stinks you get a call...it is ridiculous...I constantly feel like I'm on trial...that I have to prove myself worthy...and instead of enjoying motherhood, I resent it! I feel old, lonely and like I somehow missed something...because all of those women in the baby commercials looks so damned happy!



We were raised to think that we could have it all, and we can't. The reality is that we have to give up one of our dreams...or lower our expectations......



{sigh}



Kris

[houseelf]

Wow, Kris, I'm glad to know that I am not alone in my frustration. For awhile there, it felt like I was the only one having difficulties coping with an inadequate system. Like you, I feel constant scrutiny about my parenting, whether the criticisms be self-perceived or actual. I have done a lot of things in my lifetime, and yet I have to concur, nothing is more difficult, rewarding, taxing, or as important as parenting.



I echo your thoughts on it being time for society to get past the so-called "mommy wars" and find some real solutions for families, regardless of their situation. Lets deal with the facts as they stand, 60+% of all women with children under the age of 5 work outside the home. Conversely, SAHMs face the stereotype that because they work at home, they should be wholly responsible for childrearing, housework, etc. Moreover, they do not have the benefits of equal contributions to retirement funding, insurance plans, or tax laws that support their role as a homemaker.



When are we going to recognize child care providers as valuable employees in a career path rather than minimum wage temporary workers? When will society, Government, employers, the powers-that-be understand that individuals would be better citizens, employees, and human beings when they are allowed to take care of their families? It is not just parents that face juggling family needs with employment. I once worked with a single gal whose mom was undergoing chemotherapy treatments and she had to play "mother may I" in order to get time off to attend to her mother.



Is our society so short-sighted that we cannot see that many of its major ills such as illiteracy, crime, and poverty can be coorelated to the exact issues that we talk about?



With all of these rants, I must say that these thoughts are gaining a collective support. Employers are beginning to realize that high turnover is costly and that it behooves them to provide on sight childcare, extended maternity/family time leave, lactation rooms, telecommuting, flex time, and other family friendly options. Unfortunately, these employers seem to be rare. I don't get fired up about much but I'm ready to start the revolution when you are.



Kelly

We definately aren't alone in our frustration.....I think.....the only two other SAHMs on our block are 1. a full-time homeschooler to her 5 children and 2. the queen of the PTA who heads every fundraiser, etc...talk about feeling inferior!



I agree that it is time for society to move past the mommy wars, but I have serious doubts about that happening. In grad school, I experienced the "You belong at home with your children" from my major professors (both male) and also experienced discrimination by female members of my class who were young and didn't have children yet. Interestingly, the worst culprits were the career nurses/staff with children who to my face and behind my back to Thomas suggested not-so-politely that I should be at home "spending his money"....like we HAVE ANY...if we did, I'd be glad to spend it!

The attitudes are pervasive and as our children continue to do things like bring guns to school, the evil eye of blame will be focused on the working mom...though I doubt that that is the reason for the many social problems our children have today.



Quote: When are we going to recognize child care providers as valuable employees in a career path rather than minimum wage temporary workers?



Well, let's face it...when are we going to recognize the valuable job that teachers, nurses, etc do as being valuable. It still appears that any profession that is traditionally thought of as "female" does not gain the same respect/esteem as the traditionally male careers. One of the problems though is that men do so little when it comes to childrearing...the times have changed in many ways....women are now expected to bring in a second income and are taught at an early ages that they can be whatever they want....society now depends on the income/talents of women, but men have still not picked up some of the slack when it comes to household chores/childcare....the famous excuse from my hubby? "I'm tired...I worked all day!" Like I didn't?



The govt and employers should be equally kind to men and women with flextime....a man should be able to take the day off for a sick child or sick mother too...or should get more than 48 hours (if he's lucky) paternity leave. But even in companies where this is offered, few men make the choice to do so because it is not considered "acceptable".



In Germany, you were not only paid by the govt. a small stipend each month to stay home with your children (isn't that a novel idea) but you earned towards your retirement the ENTIRE time......yes, they paid more taxes...but hell, at the end of the day we got so much more bang for our bucks!



Quote: Is our society so short-sighted that we cannot see that many of its major ills such as illiteracy, crime, and poverty can be coorelated to the exact issues that we talk about?



Ummmmmm....YES. Take a look at our society...the educational standards have sunk considerably, illiteracy is still a huge problem....we have completely unacceptable crime rates in this country and though we are busy providing humanitarian aid to foreign countries we are unable/unwilling to help poor americans get on their feet. Our govt. is run by a bunch of money-hungry idiots who make decisions based on who stuffs their pockets......Instead of considering the multi-faceted reasons for these problems, we are forced to listen to the rants of women like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, an exercise physiologist turned know-it-all who professes to have been "her kids mom" the entire time that she was building a huge career in radio and books......yah right! We are told to feel guilty if we work or have other interests, that other women are happily building their dining room tables from twigs ala Martha Stewart...and that to admit feeling confused, tired, overwhelmed or disillusioned is an unacceptable display of weakness.



Though.....this could all be my very skewed, haven't talked to a grown up in over a week, have had sick kids for 4 days perception!



Sure, Kelly, I'm ready to start a revolution........guess the person that I have to start with is me.........I have to work on my feelings about myself..being ok with myself as a mother...and giving myself permission to pursue my career goals without caring about what anyone else says/thinks...I have to become less critical of others, because shamefully...I'm equally as guilty of the mommy compare wars.......Tell me where to start great leader!!!



Kris

[houseelf]

Kris,



I don't know how I went from cowardly internet pundit to fearless leader, but ...o.k.! This family/work issue is near and dear to my heart. I couldn't agree more with your statement that women need to support other women. Moreover, fathers' contributions to the family and home need to be viewed as critical and essential rather than optional. I know that Microsoft and Hewlett Packard offer options like paid paternity leave, telecommuting, flextime etc, but the fact that these companies are documented in news magazine programs speaks volumes about the dearth of family/work solutions in this society. I saw a fabulous program on PBS last night exploring this topic with moderator Hedrick Smith. Economist Ann Crittenden's comment struck a chord: it is one thing to live in a capitalist economy and yet another to live in a capitalist society. In contrast to the majority of the industrialized world, this country works more overtime, offers less vacation time, and offers only unpaid and abbreviated family leave. Every other need of this society has given way to the bottom line.



Clearly this topic impassions me to take measure to change this 24/7 work mentality. This issue effects everyone whether indirectly or directly. Let the revolution begin!



Kelly