"I'm sick"

[PrincessFiona]

OK...so this is what my 6 year old says every single morning when it is time to get up for school and it has caused massive upheaval in our home.

This actually started before the choking incident a month or so back...but has intensified since then. He was perfectly fine during x-mas vacation...eating basically anything until last Sunday, where he claimed that his throat hurt again. When we told him he didn't have school on Monday...or the entire week for that matter...he suddenly felt better. He has been able to eat chips, chicken nuggets, french fries, christmas cookies, etc (aaaah, the health we've been spreading over the holidays).

Fast forward to this morning....I woke him up and he immediately announced that his throat hurt again...that he was sick..that he couldn't go to school...and I just LOST IT....after trying to get him off of his bunk bed for 15 MINUTES and listening to him whine, cry and yell. I reduced him to tears and basically...ended up using child abuse as my tool to get him dressed and off to school...I'm not kidding people. It was a terrible morning for all of us...and every single one of us (except for Thomas and Andrew) was crying before it was all said and done. Apparently, we will all now need family therapy to get over today.

Once he realized that he was being pushed into the car to go to school, he begged for me to come during 'work time' and lunch...and I will go....

But I'm at a total loss here. Obviously, we can NOT go through another morning like this morning for anyone's sake...but I'm completely out of patience. He hides under tables, behind dressers, under sofas, rips the clothes off that you have to forcibly put on him .... and today AI completely lost control of myself. Ihave too much on my plate right now. I even lashed out at Amanda when she came charging at me screaming at me. This is not a good day.

We have talked to the teacher and talked extensively with him. The teacher feels that this is all related to my being sick...but it started BEFORE that....Alex has even spent time in class crying and in the nurse's office crying that he wants to go home.

I don't know what to do...I feel horrible about this morning and am ready to run away from home....and I don't know how to help him. I am actually at the point of pulling him from school and home-schooling. I don't know what else to do.

He has friends at school and is always smiling and happy when I pop by and peek in on him...he is reading well, and doing well with his other subjects...he is very social and has friends and claims to like his teacher. He can not tell me why he doesn't want to go to school other than "the day is too long and I miss you too much"...yet, when he is at home, he hardly gives me a second glance.

I don't know what to do...any advice?

kris

[houseelf]

First, don't flatter yourself. We all have terrible parenting moments that we regret. I had a doozie recently that I don't care to recall by typing it here. It is one thing when the child melts down. It is another thing when I, the alleged adult, have one.

Brush yourself off and take five. Talk to your kids about it. Mourn what happened and then really forgive yourself. Give the kind of love to yourself that you would to your child after a major inappropriate meltdown. You have to move forward.

Next, what is the real problem? Is Alex getting enough sleep? Is there something going on at school? Does he seek more mommy attention? Once you get to the root of the problem, let him come up with solutions. It is so hard to discern sometimes whether this is a developmental bump in the road or if this is indicative of a "big picture" problem. We are having a slight variation on this problem. DS loves, loves, loves school and receives glowing reports like "He is a leader, a problem solver, a pacifist, Mr. Nice guy, a hardworker.!"

[Pause for effect so that I can soak in my maternal pride before telling the rest of this story.... ]

In contrast, his after care provider, an hourly worker who is not my favorite, basically reports major meltdowns on at least a weekly basis. I have to admit that I have seen some atrocious behavior during pickups. After approaching this from many different angles (strict disciplinarian who chewed him out in front of everyone , team effort approach, talking it out, etc.), it came out that he hates being the last kid picked up and that his day is too long. Further, I suspect that he doesn't click with this provider. While this doesn't exhonorate him from his bad behavior, it was a starting point for him and me to come up with some solutions. I'm not sure that we have entirely solved this situation, but I feel like I at least understand it better. (Believe you me, I had many breast beating sessions with myself as to why I was such a bad, bad mommy before I got over myself and turned to the task at hand).

I tell you all of this to let you know that you're not alone. Boys are immature at this stage and need some prompting. They can try our last freakin' nerve with their shenaningans. I know that you guys are going to get through this.

Kelly

[Gwendolyn]

I second Kelly.

You are doing exactly what you should be doing, by figuring out the root of the situation. I work a lot with elementary kids doing drama that they create and their frame of reference is their family...so we spend a lot of time talking about family. As a result, I have learned a lot about how families work. (always easier to see it in others ) With out fail, the parents who are working on figuring it out, do and that process is what is important (It lets your son know how much you love him )

The other thing I have learned is that if something major has happened (you mentioned a choking incident) young people learn most from how the family coped with that incident. Was there a dynamic that developed in the aftermath that may not at all be related to the choking, but maybe explains his current behavior?

Kelly is right, developmentally he is struggling with the tools to understand, let alone communicate, what is bothering him. Maybe adopting a "let's figure this out together" approach could help. "I know you have been feeling crummy about school lately, but when I see you there you seem to be having a good time. Let's try and figure out what is making you feel so bad."

You may have already done all of this The important thing is that you love your child and are working towards a loving solution. Sometimes that includes a meltdown, even for you. Who knows maybe even talking about this morning might lead to an insight.

You will get through this!!

Caitlein

[mommax3]

Kris,

My 7 year old has been trying to avoid school ever since we moved here, off and on. He has always been slow to warm up to new things. What we did is we talked to him the night before about what behavior we expected in the morning. We discussed how many hours a school day lasts and what he could do when he got home. We talked about which days I would be in the classroom with him (volunteering). And the biggie was.....we bribed him. 5 days of going to school w/out crying got him a breakfast out with Dad on Saturday morning.....3 weeks in a row got him a Darth Vader voice changer mask (his choice). We have had bad days since then, occasionally, but I can usually trace it back to not enough sleep, and it hasn't become a pattern like it was at first.

Although.....I am dreading tomorrow, when they go back. Both of the older boys have had STRONG negative reactions when we have mentioned that break is almost over.

Sally

[PrincessFiona]

Well, I showed up at 'work time' and he was sitting in his seat, chatting with one of the other people next to him under his breath in an animated/happy fashion...not at all the isolated/sitting in the corner child I expected to find. He came out into the hallway and read to me while Aidan threw blocks , a ball and then kept running into the boys bathroom. It took us nearly 40 minutes to get through 10 pages....He was thrilled that Aidan and I went to recess with him...and he took Aidan everywhere he went, gleefully playing with him. I realized watching them how attached he is to Aidan and I wonder how much he does miss being home with me and Aidan and getting to do the fun stuff..building blocks, playing play-do, watching Blue's Clues, etc.....He seemed to hardly notice that I was there.

Then we went to lunch and again...he hardly seemed to notice that I was sitting there...he was busy eating with Aidan and talking to his buddies...but when Aidan finished up and ran off to leave and I had to chase him...he seemed devastated that I was going. "Can't you just come back to my room".

I told him I'll come to lunch with him every day that I can and that seemed to help.

I think the choking thing exacerbated an already "I don't like school" mood. He was so terrified when he choked that he sat in the nurse's office in hysteria...hyperventilating and with dry heaves. He sobbed the whole way home and clung to me for days. It was a huge deal for him.

[SueC]

Kris, I don't really have any suggestions to add, everybody else gave really great advice. You might be onto something about his attachment to Aiden. Maya is like that with her brother, and she gets super jealous on the days Sydney is not in pre-school and gets to play with him all day.
Regarding your morning this morning, try not to beat yourself up! We're all guilty of that sometimes--Kelly summed it up perfectly when she said you have to give yourself the same love and forgiveness you would give your kids after a meltdown.
I hope tomorrow goes better for you guys!

[Meenah]

I thought I was entitled to a certain number of meltdowns!!!! I agree with everyone here, don't beat yourself up.
Luanne