to be a grandparent

[Phoebe]

I can't imagine what it is like to be a grandparent (and I hope I don't have to find out for at least 20 years). To see the children of your precious child must be incredible. My parents and in-laws are gaga over their little girl. Babies do have a special effect on people in general I guess.

My dad is still in denial about being a grandfather and hates to admit to his friends that he has a grandchild. His denial may be accounted for because he has a wife 14 years younger than him and they had discussed the possibility of having children. Most recently, my dad met his first grandchild after waiting 6 months. It didn't surprise me that he waited so long to make her acquaintance because he hasn't seen me in almost two years.

Avery worked her magic and wrapped this aloof,workaholic of a grandparent around her finger. At first he just kind of stared at her in awe and amazed at her development. She laughed and smiled the whole weekend drawing my dad in so much that he tried to take her send my husband and I off without her. I felt touched to see that he is capable of being so playful and loving toward someone other than his job and money.

I know I won't ever have the kind of relationship with my father that I would like, but I am happy to know that my daughter will.

Jennifer

I was touched by your post. We now have three boys (my youngest is about the same age as your little girl) and it has been such a gift to me to see my parents (and in-laws, to a lesser extent) with my kids, especially when they were babies. My Dad left my mom when I was six (and I was the oldest of four) so I have few memories of having a father at home. Seeing him with my boys has healed something in me -- it is hard to articulate it, but I knew exactly what you were talking about when I read your post.

Sally

Can I ask if you ever feel funny about explaining these issues to your children? My father and I haven't had the best relationship (we're trying now) but he also left my mother and is remarried. It's something that my children can't understand...that Grandpa Bob and Grammy Babum were married once but now they aren't and there is another "new" grandma in the mix...My two oldest are particularly confused by it and when I tried to explain then my oldest wanted to know if that was what would happen to his family...

Kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

Kris,

Here is how I handled this issue, which came up last summer with my oldest. He had known that my mother and father were divorced, but he had a lot more questions when we were home this past summer.
First of all, my stepmother is 23 years younger than my dad and I don't think she much relished the thought of being "grandma", so right off the bat she suggested Mimi as the kids' name for her, so that has helped with the confusion.
I explained to my son that my Dad married my mom, he made a promise to her and to God that he would stay with her and not leave to find another wife, and that he had broken his promise, which was wrong. I stressed that he was still my Dad and that I loved him (no need to go into the complexity of my feelings while my son is so young!) and that
the fact that he had made a wrong choice was his business and was between him and God. I said that my son did not need to bring it up with his Grandpa because no one (including my son) likes to be reminded of their mistakes by others.
Like your son, my son had questions about if his Dad and I would be divorced. I said absolutely not, that we made a promise to each other and to God and we would not break it (my husband was in on this conversation too, which helped because we were saying the same thing at the same time) no matter how angry we might get at each other. That seemed to settle it for my son, and he is hard to placate once he gets on a topic, particularly if there is something about the topic that he can obsess and worry about.

My husband and I have always believed that the best way to stay together is to remove the word "divorce" from our vocabularies. We really do consider our marriage to be until death parts us. Of course as a child of divorce, I know that women can be blindsided by the men they believe in, so don't think that I am too naive, but having had my eyes opened at a young age, I don't put up with much crap from a guy and consider myself blessed to be married to the guy I am. Some might say that I have made a promise to my son (this will never happen to us....) that I can't be 100% sure I will be able to keep, but I think his sense of security is more important than the "what-ifs" that so far have not materialized in almost 12 years of marriage.

Sally

[houseelf]

Wow, Jenn you tapped into something here! My parents divorced right after I graduated college and the strangest thing happened. I realized that my mom was the organizer, manager, and central force in my relationship with my "parents". Seriously, my dad and I don't even know how to have meaningful conversations now that my mom isn't there to help us. My dad has seen my son only a few times since his birth. Dad professes to love my son but he doesn't know how to interact with him. This creates a lot of hard feelings on my part because he constantly talks about the animals on his farm as if they are his children and yet barely has time for his own kids. It is one thing to feel that I am somewhat of a secondary consideration in my father's life, but I won't let him do this to my kid. The other sad aspect about all of this, is the fact that now my dad is essentially alone with the recent passing of his mom. It is really complex.

The good news about adding a new generation to a family is that for the most part, people come together to celebrate the new baby and the "birth" of parenthood. My mom and my dh's parents can't talk about anything else but our son! They want to see him so badly that they spring for airline tickets occasionally! Moreover, I have learned truly what an amazing mom I had. In fact, now that my brother and I are parents, we call our mom all the time to tell her how grateful we are!

In addition, no matter how crazy my MIL makes me, I have learned to love her because she is my dh's mom and my son's grandma. I couldn't imagine not seeing my son and his child because I didn't get along with my daughter-in-law. I guess that life seems more connected somehow.

This is a huge digression of 60 different thoughts, but I agree that kids really do bring hope and healing to families.....

Kelly

I am the grandchild of divorced grandparents - both sets were divorced looooong before my birth. It was hard, and annoying at times. In the end they all had their own serious problems in life to the point that I never really interacted with any of them (one grandfather was an alcoholic, one grandmother was a paranoid schizophrenic, another grandfather just didn't care). I had one grandmother (mom's mom), bless her soul, who loved us to pieces and doted on us. Luckily she married a man that was my only grandfather in every sense of the word - sweet man who my son is named for. It is so different see my children have grandparents (my mom and dad) that have been happily married for decades and seem to live off of loving them. I feel jealous a little bit. Holidays could be so incredibly uncomfortable if one of my grandparents showed up because of all of the complex issues left from divorces. It was really more than I could handle at times and at some family gatherings I would literally hide.

Jennifer

[Phoebe]

This can be a touchy area. I have three generations of divorce and adultery on my dad's side of the family. My grandparents were divorced and remarried by the time I was born. I grew up having three sets of grandparents which was kind of cool. However, we had to alternate years for them to come to my birthday parties etc. Holidays made it difficult because we had to have separate gatherings for each set of parents. Then my parents divorced when I was in college. Talk about getting the rug pulled out from under you. For some reason, I must have been naive to believe that my parents had a normal, loving marriage because their split hit me hard. There is a definite cyclical nature going on here. It is weird to listen to my father talk about his relationship with his father because it sounds exactly like the relationship he has with my brother.

I don't want this kind of awkwardness for my children and I worry so much about my own marriage because I don't want to suffer the same problems as my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents.

Jennifer

Breaking these cycles is something that I've been talking about a lot with friends.....it seems that at least for me, I've brought a lot of this baggage with me into my marriage....and I also worry because at times I see those same "cycles" between hubby and I...it's something that he and I both find that we have to really, really work at to keep in check...and often we don't....I don't want our relationship to end up doing to our children what our parent's relationships have done to us...and yet, they are our only role models for marriage.....it is very hard to break cycles of behavior that are the only things you've known...even IF you know that they are unhealthy.

How does everyone else work on breaking the cycle?

Kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

I feel that my parents broke that cycle for me so I can only comment on what they seemed to do. My dad really had no parents growing up - his childhood was so awful that to this day he will not tell my mother much of it because it would upset her (I know very very little and what I do know is a horror story). So, when I think of where my dad came from and the fact that he has held his marriage together for almost thirty years and has managed to be a good and loving father I am absolutely amazed. I think my parents did it by having an enormous amount of forgiveness for one another's mistakes and by learning their own and each other's "hot buttons" and avoiding pushing those (and also they have each learned how to healthfully let off steam when they get REALLY upset). I think what has also helped is that they have so many friends that live similar lives to their own that they have a support network: people in the same stage of life with relatively healthy marriages and who are dedicated parents. So, at times that the glue has been a bit loose (and I can think of a few) they have had that backup system to help them come up with coping strategies as well as examples and reassurances that "this too will pass." Just my observations on how my parents who were both the products of divorce and had family histories of alcoholism, serious mental illness, and adultery were able to break the cycle....

Jennifer