How many kids?

[BonBon]

How do you decide how many kids to have? I have been waiting for some defining moment, but it isn't happening. Some days, I think two is MORE than enough. Other days, I am positive that we will have one more. On the very rare day when I've misplaced my mind, four seems like a good idea. Actually, I misplace my mind a lot more often than that but it's rare that four kids sounds fun.

Gah, I just don't know! Especially since I want my own career so badly.

DH doesn't help. He said anywhere between two and four is fine with him. Someone clue me in!

I just don't feel "done", but I'm not attaching a number to it. I would be floored if I ever made it to four, as that's not how I pictured myself --- but I would also have said I'd never enjoy cooking.

Let's just say I'm glad I have an IUD, or I would have spontaneously decided awhile ago to go for #3. This kid will truly require forethought and planning.

--- but I would also have said I'd never enjoy cooking.

I don't feel done but the prospect of pregnancy doesn't do a whole lot for me. And we are probably going to be putting MIL in assisted living or a nursing home in the very near future. I don't know how this will affect our lives and how we will feel about having another (up until this point, it has been a lot of extra energy devoted to her).

If we have another, 3 will be the end of the line.

[rainbabies]

[alison]

[/quote]

Really?
Yikes! I'm 27 and for as long as I can remember I have wanted children, but have never felt financially nor emotionally ready. Might it be more than time and money? What about one's emotional state?

I have always wanted more than one, and definitely closer together in age than I am with my brother (we're 8 years apart). Until recently... Lately I can totally imagine my life with out children. I don't envy my parents for such things as having had to drag my brother and me on vacations, dealing with all our antics, worrying about our education/health/whereabouts, etc, etc.

I don't think it's selfish to remain childless (for some people it just doesn't feel right) and if my dh and I decide not to have kids, then I think there are other ways we will find fulfillment in our lives. If you don't think you can be a good parent (financially, emotionally, etc), then why force it? My friends and family tell me that "it all changes when you have you OWN kids" and that parenting will come naturally. Does it?
Alison

[DCJenn]

Done at one.

For a moment after we got back I entertained the idea of doing it all again. But then I realized that what I wanted was the excitement and the travel, not the baby. So, I can take a fab vacation, and still afford to eat.

We're thrilled with the Little Dude, know that we couldn't have come up with one nearly as cute, but DONE...

My diaper days are growing ever closer to the end...I hope.

Jenn

PS- Thank GOD for the tax deduction for adoption. Not that it covered a ton, but it's 25% of the total expense which will definitely help.

[Rapunzel]

Every time I think I'm done - I'm not!

I go through a phase every time I get pregnant where I insist to the universe that this IS THE VERY LAST ONE! That phase seems to always end when the baby is between 4 and 6 months old (just when the baby cuteness really kicks in ) and when I get my body "back" (ie when I start getting close to my pre-baby size again). The other thing that seems to change my mind about that timeperiod is that I start getting a decent amount of sleep again.

So, I think I could handle another one. Beyond that is anybody's guess. I've never had a definite "Finished" feeling that has lasted more than a few months. And, my husband would love to have as many children as I feel like I can physically and emotionally manage. So, I'm not going to get any "Honey, we're done," comments from him anytime soon....

[JaneDoe]

Dh and I have agreed on 3 as a max, but I already know that I'm going to struggle when it comes to being done having children. I've loved having my dd more than I ever could've have imagined and I can't wait until our newest one arrives. It's also comforting, in a way, to know that I'm not done after this baby arrives.

Though on some days, chasing a toddler around can be effective birth control.

[PrincessFiona]

DH and I agreed on 3 as well. :>

ooops!

Somehow we then agreed on "just one more" and then "well, this one is really....really it!"

kris

[Vanquisher]

I am done. I know I am done. I never really wanted more than two kids, but I went into having children with an open mind and heart. I think you should have your kids one at a time (unless they come as twins of course).

By that I mean, after you have a child, I think you should see how your family is and make a decision to have each child. I think it is strange to go into having children thinking, "I'm going to have 6 children!" I think you need to know how it feels to have 5 children before you decided on 6, 4 before you decide on 5, etc.

I also think that people get into the mindeset that kids have to be close together in age in order to be close as siblings. I don't think this is the case at all. It seems like there is this magic space that people perceive as being the perfect gap, and they really expect you to do it. For me, having a six year space has been completely wonderful, and I would not do it any other way. My kids NEVER fight. What would they fight about? They give each other a lot of hugs and attention though. They do, in fact, play together. All I ever see between them is love and friendship. My daughter absoultely adores her big brother! She squeals with delight when he comes home from school. I never having sibling rivalry problems, and I get to spend all those precious years before they go to school with them alone. I know this doiesn't work for everyone and their biological clocks, but I just love it, and I think people ought to be more open-minded to it instead of just assuming a 2-3 year gap is perfect because that's how everyone else does it.

Lately I have been quite sad that my daughter is my last. I can still be sad that I won't have another one and be okay with it at the same time. I never want to be pregnant again, and those baby days are too fleeting. Selfish as it may be, I want to move onto different stages with my kids and with myself and my husband. I want to feel more of a sense of freedom, and do different things with my kids as they get older. I would love to take the kids river rafting and do fun activities. Those things are hard to do with a baby or a toddler that you have to take care of. Now, I guess I want to be a mother to my children as they grow, and be done with the baby thing. I still love holding babies. I still get that twinge of awwww, maybe...., but really, I know I am done.

I'm telling you, holding a newborn baby is like voodoo magic!

I do not think it is selfish not to have children. I think it is MORE selfish to have children if you don't want them. I think you should really have to want children in order to. It shouldn't matter if other people think you ought to have them. Now, you have to ask yourself if you will regret not having them, but having children is not for everyone, nor should it be.

It is a very individual decision on when you should stop that should be made with the person you are having the kids with. No one else really gets a say. I personally think a lot of people have way too many kids, but that's because they have way to many kids for ME, not them. For example, my brother had one. That way way too many! He shouldn't have been allowed! :>

[SueC]

We agreed to stop at 2, then 3... We really didn't think our marriage could handle any more after 3, so we'll see what this one does to us, but dh is definitely putting the safety on before this baby is born. I pretty always thought 3 felt about right, so I guess 4 isn't too much of a far cry from that.

[alison]

Lately I've been paying a lot more attention to parents and their kids. There are two instances that stick out in my head and left me with the thought of "sheesh, I wouldn't want to deal with that on a daily basis."

1) My dh and I were at Costco on a Saturday afternoon. Tensions were running high. It had already taken a good 15 minutes to get a parking spot so people were already stressed out to the max.

We decided to sit down for a pop (yes, I'm one of those who says "pop!") after we were done shopping. The food court area was packed. PACKED. A man was carrying his son with his son in one arm and a drink in the other. His kid was squirming and consequently, some of the pop spilled out of his cup and onto the floor next to a lady (actually closer to me than this other lady, but it doesn't matter). Anyway, the lady freaked out and said "COULD YOU CONTROL YOUR ANIMAL?" The man was in shock and had some choice words for the lady. "You're a trashy bitch--don't tell me how to parent" was the most benign thing he said. My dh and I just sat there, both thinking, "wow, this is better than reality tv." To add to the fire, a woman who was not involved but just sitting with her two kids at a table closeby had to say "THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE. WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" To which the first lady and the man said, "It's none of your f**king business!" And then the watch-your-language-lady: "Will someone go get security, kids shouldn't have to watch this." All in all it was embarrassing, and a guy sitting next to me with his child said, "children don't even pick up on the swear words, they just see people fighting."

I definitely wouldn't react the way any of the three people acted and I have to think as a parent, I would have pretended as though the people fighting weren't saying anything important, picked up my kids and left. Why bring your kids' attention to something so negative and to a behavior that you don't condone?

Anyway, at that very moment I was SO glad that I could sit there and NOT have to worry about kids--but rather how entertaining these people were! I could sit there with my dh and whisper about how all three people were trash!

2) We went out to eat the other night, and a young family sat next to us. Mom and dad and 5 1/2 kids with the oldest kid around 9 or 10. Holy moly. Pretty soon that will be a reservation for 8-family. Mom looked frazzled. For me, I thought it was nice that one day they'll be able to eat a 30-pound turkey at Thanksgiving, but another side of me was happy that when I eat dinner with my dh, it's still just us and the conversation isn't solely about who should eat what, how, and off their OWN plate.

So, babies are on my mind, but I'm not itching to find out how our lives will change.

Don't get me wrong, I really admire you parents out there and am happy for all the joys your children bring you. Maybe I'm too selfish!
Alison

[DCJenn]

No apologies needed Alison!

I actually laughed out loud at my first wedding when the priest came to the part about having children.

It wasn't until we'd been married for at least a year AND I hit 35 that the thought entered my brain. Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong with appreciating the fact that you don't have to deal with a screaming toddler.

Jenn

[Vishenka69]

Considering that we haven't even started, it's hard to say where we'll stop. However, I've never personally known anyone with more than 3 kids (religious ppl excluded) until I joined this site. I always thought that 3 children is A LOT. I like being an only child and based on family and friends it seems that with two kids they're always being treated differently and one gets more than the other. The fact that I might treat one kid nicer than another scares me, so if we would ever had children, I'm very likely to stop at one. Being spoiled rotten is not such a bad thing.

I think those of you who went beyond 3 deserve a medal. You're my heroes.

Depending on the day, we waffle between continuing to try for a 3rd and immediate vasectomy.