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**PrincessFiona** · 03-09-2006, 05:31 PM

Here's another problem that I have. Don't you guys think a parent should be notified anytime a 9 year old gets an F on a test or something? Maybe I could have done something about this 10 weeks ago....they had test after test on different body systems and I just 'assumed' things were going ok because I never heard otherwise. I was tipped off by 2 tests I found last week that had D+'s on them..but..THAT was a little late. Why wasn't I notified at the first sign of trouble? GAG!

kris

Join Date: Nov 2024 · 03-09-2006, 05:54 PM

I'm inexperienced in the ways of the 9 year old, but I think that at least a letter home (that has to be signed and come back) would make sense.

Was there anything positive for Amanda? I'd hope the teacher would find some good things to say too.

I'm sorry it was such a brouhaha. Sometimes that just happens.

**PrincessFiona** · 03-09-2006, 06:00 PM

Nothing positive, Nellie..unless you consider the teacher saying "I think it's great that you've finally made friends and have become more social" to be 'positive'.

Sadly, Andrew made straight A+'s on his report card and Alex is the only child in his class to have moved on in math to the next grade level. (His teacher has moved him on to the new work).

They both have nothing but 'good news' to report all of the time and then Amanda...well...she didn't excel in a single area...even her Physical Education report card was just so/so...and...she even got an F for "cart wheels"

and they mentioned that they will "re-test" her in the spring. Who cares if she can do a freakin' cartwheel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kris

edited to add: Boohooooo!
edited again to add: Someone please come over immediately to tell me that my daughter is NOT going to be smoking pot behind the school building at 13

Join Date: Nov 2024 · 03-09-2006, 06:09 PM

I agree with Nellie, a letter should have been sent home to make you aware that Amanda was failing her tests. I also think that the teacher should have put a more positive spin on things during the conference. I know that she was probably just trying to drive the point home with Amanda, but only having negative things to say is most likely not the best way to motivate a 9 year old.

Kris, go to the spa....if not for the whole weekend, then at least for an afternoon!

**PrincessFiona** · 03-09-2006, 06:11 PM

I can't even run away. I just remembered that Thomas has call all weekend and has to round both days...even though it's our wedding anniversary on Sunday. Where will my pity party today end?

Time to go and take a hot bath. :@

Join Date: Nov 2024 · 03-09-2006, 06:13 PM

Not having a 9 year old (yet), but having been an 11 year old with a serious attitude problem (largely attributed to my father having an affair w/my 2nd grade teacher), I've got a few observations.

1. I totally think there should have been some kind of heads up. Perhaps the teacher thinks she gave you one / miscommunication of some kind? Or maybe, just maybe, a test that needed a signature was sent home and said signature was ... there but not at the hand of a parent? I don't want to get Amanda in more trouble, but I know I did such things. It might be worth a follow-up call to the teacher to find out.

2. Actual grades in grade school? An "F" for a cartwheel? That's crazy. An F for never participating or giving no effort - okay, but an F for a lack of coordination is silly. Until 5th grade we got 1,2,3's and O,E,A, or U.

3. Bribery works. As I kid I simply didn't care about school. At first it was too easy for me, then it was a way to make my parents angry, and when it finally required a modicum of effort I didn't have the tools or the work ethic to make it happen. IMO now is the time to make her realize that if you want something, you must earn it. If she wants certain priveledges, she's got to bring home good grades. I got grounded - no activities, no phone, no friends in or out. Home straight after school. No t.v until homework was done, etc. Whatever works for you -- but she's got to develop the skills now, or she won't have them when they really count.

4.As for Thomas yelling at her - you may want to use this as a teaching tool for him. Clearly she thinks she can pick and choose where she puts her effort, and his responses with regards to music and breaking her brother's game boy have backed her up on that.

:!

**Vanquisher** · 03-09-2006, 06:45 PM

I come from a family of teacher's and my mom says when you are talking to a parent at conferences, you have to be just like Supernanny. First you start out by saying all of the wonderful things about their child.

"Your daughter is a great reader. She gets along well with her peers, and she has a bright personality." Then you go into the things that need to be worked on.

I think a letter should have been sent home. Maybe you could talk to the teacher and start a system like that where she gets weekly reports that you have to sign? I don't remember if you have used a toutor with her? Sometimes Mom and Dad are so exasperating, and you just can't do it when they are there, KWIM?

I think she should have priveleges taken away and she sould have consequences. If her grades come up above C's, she can be rewarded. What does she respond to? Find out what she wants and what she doesn't want to have happen, and use those. There is really no excuse for the kinds of grades she is getting. She isn't stupid. She is being lazy, and you know that. It's hard, because you can't make her apply herself, but you can make life better or worse depending on how she tries.

Does she like money? SHow her a chart of how much money difference people make with varying levels of education.

**Rapunzel** · 03-09-2006, 06:59 PM

Kris, is it that certain subjects bore her? Or is this problem in everything she takes? Are there certain types of activities that she has problems with? Could she have a radically different learning style than her teacher is teaching to? Is she just not putting her school work as a priority (and friends and social activities are more important to her)? Are the kids she hangs out with the most making similar grades (is this common for her clique) or is this a problem that seems to be all her own? How does she get along with the teacher(s)? Is the material too hard or too easy? Is this a behavior issue, a learning style clash (with the teacher), an issue of boredom (and apathy), or what?

I have a nine year old and I have to say that if he was having this problem I would want all of those questions answered to my satisfaction before I made any sort of plan of action. I don't think threatening her or yelling at her is going to change her behavior (if that is the problem) and if it something beyond her control (such as a learning issue) then it certainly won't help either. With my own 9 year old I would sit down and talk to him - calmly and quietly explaining that this is a problem and you want to help her solve it. Ask HER what she thinks the problem is - and then talk about it with her until she convinces you she's right or you believe you've found the root cause of the issue.

**PrincessFiona** · 03-09-2006, 07:17 PM

Jenn,

She has a very 'hands on' learning style and she quickly zones out in a 'lecture' type situation. I'd almost say that she has some learning disability? Though I have no idea exactly what the problem would be. She needed a lot of time to learn the alphabet and we finally accomplished it through things like tracing the letters in sugar and letting her lick her fingers, etc.

With the map skills, for example (another area where she practically got straight d's and f's on the map quizzes/tests/assignments) she has the problem that she can't just 'memorize' where something is. Something they've been working on with her in the montessori is actually building the maps from scratch...cutting out continents and states etc and pasting them to paper....Here, they pretty much are assigned a map to fill in...and that doesn't work for her. When she started at the Montessori after school thing this year, she was still confused about the difference between a continent and a state. The words just had no meaning to her...she would confuse MN as being a country or a continent or a state without really understanding what she was talking about.

Apparently, you are going to have to talk me through homeschooling my child for the entire summer in the 4th grade curriculum. I'm going to have to start her from scratch. I can't blame the schools, really..I think that she has a unique learning style...but I'm upset that I wasn't notified sooner. She is poor in every subject across the board including language arts. This is the same child that comes home from school and writes tons of stories and reads constantly....I don't get it.

I'm very concerned. I'm going to address Thomas' behavior with Thomas tonight and then I'm going to move on to a sort of 'consequence' phase. He's always been to easy on her. We have way too much technology buzzing in this house after school for all of the kids. I don't want to punish the boys, but Andrew could be spending time practicing his sax or doing school related stuff and Alex should be focusing on his reading.

I'm thinking of pulling the plug on all computers/gameboys/tvs during the week and letting them earn technology time for the weekends or special occasions during the week.

Homeschooling....does sound better and better....I kid you not.

**mommax3** · 03-09-2006, 07:25 PM

Okay, hello, first of all......you all are having just a *wee* bit of drama on the homefront, and I think that needs to be taken into account. Amanda may be dealing with all of that very differently than her brothers.

Second, after my kids take ANY test, they bring it home (graded) and have to return it the next day, signed by me. If they don't, they get a detention. You might request something similar for Amanda so you can keep tabs on things. Do you know when she is having tests? (I am not implying anything by this.....I know VERY WELL that it is hard to keep track when you have so much going on!) Does she get a review sheet? Maybe you could set up some deal with her that if she does well the day before the test during a study session with you (including her ATTITUDE!) you and she will go get ice cream or something, and then a bigger reward (cumulatively) for actually bringing the grade up. If she does well with you and still bombs on the test, then that is another can of worms.

The teacher gets a big fat F for being encouraging at the conference, especially since she specifically requested that Amanda be there! Way to go, teach.

I think I might request another conference WITHOUT Amanda and WITH the principal (and maybe a the school counselor) to express your feelings about the first conference and to come up with a plan of action.....because it doesn't seem like the teacher was much help there, either. I know that is a pain in the butt, but I would do it.

You and Thomas need to have a discussion about how this is about AMANDA, not about Thomas or Kris or Andrew or Alex. You guys are a family and Amanda's "safe place" and she does not need to feel ridiculed or embarrassed at home.

I am sorry this is going on, Kris, but I remember that Amanda has had struggles at school before that she has come out of and I am sure it will be the same this time. Don't underestimate what is going on in her little world, even if *outwardly* she acts like she is just fine. You guys are good parents and she just needs to get back on track......I know she will.

Hang in there.....maybe a long bath would substitute for the spa day?

Sally

Join Date: Nov 2024 · 03-09-2006, 07:40 PM

btw, I didn't want this to get lost -- it is *great* that Andrew and Alex are doing so well. :ra:

I think Sally's suggestions are great ones.

**Phoebe** · 03-09-2006, 08:09 PM

what Sally said.

**PrincessFiona** · 03-10-2006, 06:56 AM

Sally,

I'm not sure how much the *drama* here is affecting things and how much of it is Amanda's own learning issues. For the most part, the kids all seem fine. As a matter of fact, Amanda is the one who finally calmed Alex down. She told him to look at my head...."see how good the medicine works? It killed all of mom's hair. Just think of what it does to the cancer".

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my little girl!

Of course...that doesn't mean she isn't struggling with this. Her grades are at least a letter grade worse in every subject than they were last semester.

If she was just going through this now I think I'd be less upset. She has struggled since she started school (kindergarten) and...yah..she does seem to pull things together somehow most of the time...but just barely. I'm concerned about her ability to move forward next year. The only way she passed science was by little bogus in-class assignments. To me, this means that she has very little understanding of concepts, etc. How can she move on to 5th grade science and be expected to do ok if she doesn't have the basics from this year?....regardless of the reason.

This is the *big year* for the elementary school students...at least that's how the teachers put it. They are hoping to make the kids responsible enough for middle school. Maybe that's why we don't have to sign tests, etc? I have no idea...but I'm really angry about the fact that I basically had NO CLUE how badly things were going for Amanda. We have no rule about parents signing tests, etc. I never received a phone call or note telling me that her grades were so low...never had to sign a test...nothing. If I hadn't run into the teacher last week, I would have never had any idea that things were not going well.

Sally, I also wondered about the conference. It was almost like the first time the teacher had even addressed these issues with her. Amanda was embarassed and upset and she was anything but positive and encouraging. I don't think two seconds of "it's great you have so many freinds now as opposed to the beginning of the year, but..." is very positive...though the teacher herself is a bubbly, smiley, vivacious woman. Every negative thing she said (10 minutes of it) she said with a bubbly smile/giggle/laugh...it was almost hard to realize that she was saying negative things because she had a big smile on her face through it all. Yet...every word was "you need to do this, you need to do that"....

Why didn't she sit down with Amanda after the first F...or the second...or...the...third

There was absolutely no time allotted to actually talk about anything. She finished her bouncy little "you must do better" speech and then said "well, sorry that time is so short, but I'm on a schedule", stood up and...bounced us out the door.

My head was spinning. At one point, she did allude to a summer school form in the folder, but I didn't realize really what it was until I got home and looked at everything. It all happened too fast.

I feel so helpless to do anything for Amanda....I don't KNOW what to do! We're doing Montessori tutoring 2x a week (which she absolutely loves, btw) and math tutoring once a week....which she abhors. She's totally bored by math...though she loves playing the math games at the montessori school.

Thomas and I had a long talk about all of this last night after the kids were in bed and he feels as helpless as I do. He just can't understand wh y she doesn't 'get it'...and wants an immediate solution...that is, of course, something that no one can provide. He feels badly for drawing comparisons...he said he thought that it would motivate her

Neither one of us wants to send her to the summer school program. Honestly, it is just more of the same...memorize/drill....memorize/drill...memorize/drill...and though there is a place for that, she is so turned of by it all now that she completely shuts down. "math is boring" is her mantra. For her, it is boring...she's been stuck in the memorize/drill group since kindergarten.

kris

**Sheherezade** · 03-10-2006, 08:08 AM

I'm with Rapunzel and Sally on this one. I think Amanda is having trouble beyond simple laziness or comprehension issues. Honestly, I believe in genetics. I'm sure she can "get it" - it just isn't working for her this year. Look at your own experience with the teacher. Amanda is dealing with that every day. Poorly presented info (summer school form), attitude that doesn't match the message (bubbly happy lazy bum message) and rushed for time (hustling you out after dropping the bomb). I also think it's impossible that Amanda isn't affected by what's up with you. She's your only girl and the mother-daughter thing is intense. I see her calming down Alex as stepping in to help you in whatever way she can. Maybe she sees schoolwork as a safe way of acting out. Who knows? Regardless, she needs calm, gentle help - not the Stalin treatment.

You've tried tutoring. Maybe it's an organization issue? I would demand more info from the teacher. I would definitely go to the principal or guidance counselor if the info wasn't forthcoming. (Not in a hostile way, but I would use all avenues to show that more effort must be made to assist Amanda during this school year.) I would want to know her schedule for the week. I would help her set up a study schedule and would probably sit down with her each day and do my own stuff while she's working. I'd pick out my own materials if I thought the subject matter was lacking. (BTW, I don't have a very high opinion of most elementary science programs. Bleh, bleh, bleh. I have to bite my tongue to keep from correcting some of the idiotic things I've heard.)

I know 4th grade is the time for developing independence. We've got that going on here with my son.

Sometimes, kids need help figuring out how to manage all this new responsibility. Some teachers seem to do a sink or swim approach and others offer more guidance. Amanda needs guidance. Nothing wrong with that. I wish she had a different teacher. Our third grade teacher was practically OCD but she was terrific at helping the kids develop good study skills. She'd hand them out calendars with a day by day schedule leading up to a big project. (3 days for research, 2 days for making notes, 2 days to outline....that kind of thing) It was a huge help.

Amanda is struggling. You should acknowledge that you understand what a difficult time this is and let her know that the whole family is there to help her. Maybe she has some ideas that might help?

Deep breaths, wine and chocolate. You will get through this too. Remember last year it was Andrew....and now he's doing great. I'm soooooo glad I only have two kids. Maybe once or twice they'll both be in good phases. You large family moms are a special breed. (Or totally bonkers.

)

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School conferences.....HEAVY SIGH!

School conferences.....HEAVY SIGH!

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