Time with Dad (or Mom!)

Does anybody have any ideas about how to help my kids deal with their currently always gone MD dad? In this year, it is looking as though the children will get to see Dad one night a week ( if he doesn't have to unexpectedly cancel) when I let them stay up late and every other weekend when he's off his pager. My 6 year old boy is in tears when we talk about it and my 3 year old daughter isn't speaking to Dad for the first day of his weekend off. This is not good. I need a plan. I don't want to get their hopes up and then have him let them down (that seems psychologically bad), but I don't want them to just -in the off-kilter advice of my MIL-"just get used to it and forget all about him". Any tips?

Angie

[mommax3]

I know that my friend whose husband is also in his second year of a gyn-onc fellowship started during residency to instill in her children that their Daddy was taking care of ladies who were very sick and helping them, even though sometimes he would rather be home with his family. I wouldn't want to give the kids the idea that they are less important, but maybe it helps to let them know that what their Dad is doing doesn't always happen on a predictable timetable -- it is a tough one, I know. A lot depends on how much time he spends with them when he can, too.

My husband has taken our oldest son (7) in to round with him before -- somehow knowing where Dad is when he is working helps a little. He started doing this during residency a couple of years ago. I guess that would depend on how sick your husband's patients are.

My friend said that her whole attitude about her husband's job changed when a patient's daughter saw her waiting for her husband one evening and thanked her, with tears in her eyes, for being willing to "share" her husband with her mom.

If the every other weekend off is a sure thing, you all could plan fun stuff for those days and leave clues for Dad on the days leading up to them, maybe?

Let us know how it goes.

Sally

Well, last year was a booger of a year with my husband's schedule. I told my children when they asked where Daddy was that he was taking care of sick people who really needed him. Their compassionate side kicked in and they often expressed pride to total strangers that their dad was a doctor who was away taking care of sick people. We also would go up and have dinner at the hospital with their dad on call nights. That really seemed to help and, although we were eating hospital food (yuck!), the kids always thought of eating at Daddy's hospital as a special treat. While we were there, if my husband had a bit of time he'd show them cool things (like the robot that delivered people's food to them, etc) around the hospital. Jon also made a special effort to drag himself away from whatever he was doing around the kids' bedtime so he could call and officially tell the kids individually "Goodnight" and "I love you". It was the little things that really helped during the stressful schedules.

Of course, things were far from perfect. My daughter, Zoe, got very upset once that Daddy had been gone a couple of days and started crying when we went to pick him up. I asked her what was wrong and she told me essentially that she was angry with her dad for being gone. I had her dad talk to her about it because it really was between them and as her father HE needed to explain why he was gone and deal with her anger at that.

Jennifer

This is such a difficult thing, because children can't always understand. I agree with Sally and Jennifer....explain to them what daddy's job is, let the oldest go with him to work...and eat dinner there when you can...(see, I'm a copycat!) It still is a challenge sometimes for the children. Honestly, sometimes as an adult I have struggled with it..if we were out to celebrate our anniversary and he was paged and had to go in, I felt resentful and then guilty...so I think it is ok to let the kids know that it is ok to be disappointed sometimes but that it isn't dad's fault.

Kris

Thanks for alll the ideas. I need to get my husband to call the kids/talk to them at bedtime if he can--that would be great. I just don't want them to start expecting it and then get angry if it doesn't happen. He's supposed to call ME every night around 8 pm to tell me if he's going to get home at a "reasonable" time (9 ish) or if he's going to be "late" (11ish). Isn't it strange what becomes normal for medical families? He is GREAT with the kids when he is around--that's what makes it so hard when he's gone I think. Right now he is so overwhelmed with a loaded very sick service and an intern on probation that I'm sure that last thing he wants to hear from me is that the kids are crazy lonely for him!

[DCJenn]

Sometimes on Sundays if Rick is on-call, everyone who is on-call who has family brings in a picnic dinner and we all have a family style meal. Sometimes we get pizzas and everyone pitches in to pay for it. We also bring enough for left overs and for those who might not have a significant other. People with children bring their kids in and it's really a nice way to get together. Plus, it helps us spouses get to know each other a little better, too.

Jenn

You know what? I wouldn't care a bit if my husband was crazy with a tough work schedule! Tell him that his kids really, really miss him anyway! He might just be able to do something special for them in his crazy schedule. Additionally, it is his JOB to keep up a good relationship with his kids and therefore you are obligated to inform him when that relationship is suffering so that he can take action. Give him every opportunity to do whatever he can to keep his kids happy with their relationship with Dad. Definitely keep him informed of their feelings.

Jennifer

I agree with everyone above. They had some great advice. We are dealing with the same issues. It really has helped for my husband to call and talk to them before bed when he is on call. It also has been great for him to share with the kids a little about the patients he has. He is in pediatrics this month so he will tell him a little about what happened to the children. Now when he comes home, my oldest will ask specifically about the boy that jumped out his second story window thinking he was Spiderman. It has helped the children gain some empathy for others and realize that their dad is helping other people and would be home otherwise.

I love the picnic idea Jenn.

Robin

Thanks for the reality check, Jennifer. I feel the same way, but honestly I don't know what kind off response I'll get right now. This service (people/patients/everything) is nasty. I do I agree he needs to know they are missing him and I did talk to him about it last night in the 20 minutes between when he walked in the door and when he started snoring! I don't think he's processing it though, because he honestly hasn't seen them much in the last 6 weeks. <Sigh> He gets this blinders on approach when he's working that can be very annoying. It's going to be a long year.
So tonight he talks to the kids before bed for like 2 minutes and basically rushes them off the phone with a breezy "I'll try and make it home tomorrow to see you guys" and upsets my three year old who tells me that daddy's never coming home. Then, when I page him back an hour later, he tells me that he's sorry he couldn't talk, but he's on the phone with another physician complaining about the difficulties of the service. I know he needs to vent, but do you think that should take precedence to listening to your child tell you what they did today? Sorry--major vent. I just don't know if going on the warpath with him about his obligations to home is the right course of action---it could cause some major discord.


On a much lighter note-- are you in Boston, Jennifer? I think I saw that somewhere in a thread I was reading, but could be mistaken. I am. Nice break in the weather here.

Angie

[Meenah]

Ask them (when they aren't too stressed) to fast forward 20 years. Who is going to remember where they were or were not every night at dinnertime / homework time / or bedtime? Their children or their patients?
Luanne

[Phoebe]

My daughter only 10 months old, is too young to understand why her father is gone so much. She calls out for him in the mornings to come and get her out of her crib and lights up when he gets home. Sometimes, the only time they see each other awake is when I take her up to the hospital. My husband is pained by the thought of not seeing her grow as I am sure most parents are who work long hours.

I was pushing the issue of my husband spending time with her when he came home. He resented me at first because he felt he needed a break from work and saw playing with our daughter as a chore. He changed his mind when I presented it to him as a way that she bonds with him. Now my husband talks to her on the phone while he is away on-call, even though she is very young and basically tries to eat the phone instead of listening.

Its got to be hard for small children when a parent is away for long hours. Although I don't have children old enough to know the difference, it seems like you all have figured out ways to make the situation work.

Jennifer

Angie, YES I am in Boston! Where is your husband working? What town are you guys living in? Leslie (hasn't posted in a while but she might be lurking) is also from Boston!

Jennifer

We are living in Brookline-probably the poorest family in town, but the schools are great and everything is in walking distance. Our car is basically held together with duct tape and we are hoping to make it out of training without buying a new one. My husband is at MGH. Actually a very nice location to visit, so that's a plus. How about you?

Angie

Angie:
Sorry you are having such a rough time right now! I did want to offer some encouragement even though we don't have any kids right now. I am living proof that a medical "child" can grow up and be very attached to their "was gone a lot during residency" medical fathers! I have absolutely NO recollection of my dad missing dinners and not coming home sometimes. I only remember us riding bikes in the circle, going to the fairs, making cookies - the FUN stuff! So don't worry about future damage - they will make up the time in a few years when they are older and Dad has more time! I adored my Dad then and adore him even more today - and now have a great respect for what he did and does.
The ideas that everyone mentioned are great - dinners at the hospital or even just to run by and say a quick hello, phone calls - maybe he could write them each a note when he has some spare time? Sort of a goodnight letter to each of them? Just write a bunch at the beginning of the week and they could read them at night? Maybe things like that - that he can do when he has a spare moment.

Angie, my husband is in the radiology program at Brigham. We live in Dedham ( on the green line south of Brookline). We were looking at Brookline originally but it was waaaaay too expensive. Luckily we found a place in Dedham that was about half of what we'd pay for a similar sized apt in Brookline. How long have you been living in the area? Any good recommendations on cheap dates?

Jennifer