Do you have a favorite?

[SueC]

The only reason I ask is because last night my husband told me the baby was growing on him but our 2 year old was his favorite. I was a little shocked! Now that he has said that, I am noticing that he does pay more attention to our oldest. Of course, she can do more and says "I love you Daddy" and doesn't require as much work as the baby does (she is about to turn 1 and is pretty high maintenance). I'm probably taking the whole thing too personally, because I always felt my dad loved my sister more and so tried unbelievably hard to impress him--it would make me so sad to see our younger daughter go through the same thing. So, do you guys think it is normal to have a preference? I honestly don't feel like I favor one child over the other so far.

In my family both growing up and now having my own children, a parent having a "favorite" child is non-existant. I couldn't even imagine doing that to my poor children - all children should feel that they are unconditionally loved by their parents - but even more so children should feel that their parents genuinly LIKE their kids (it is quite possible to love someone and not like them). I would've just died inside if I felt my mom or dad liked one of my siblings "most". I could never and will never do that to my children. Instead, I find traits in each of my very different children which I like best - so I have favorite personality traits for each child rather than favorite children. For example, I love Alex's thoughtfulness and responsibility, I love Madeline's weird juxtoposition of emotional strength and vulnerability (complex girl, that one), I love Zoe's intellect, and Sophia, well she's still a baby so I'm just now getting to know her personality so for now I love Sophia's babyness (just recently started saying Mama, gotta love that!).

Jennifer

[mommax3]

I would have to admit that sometimes I have "favorites" depending on the day -- usually, it is who is the easier child that day! But I think (hope) the preference is only in my mind, for a short period of time -- not a long-held attitude of favoring one child over the other. Like Jennifer said, I appreciate different qualities in my kids -- and they are VERY different. If I were you, I would ask my husband to elaborate about the comment he made -- he might just be responding to your older daughter because she is easier to relate to than the baby -- but I would share my concerns with him.

Sally

[houseelf]

Sue--

You are totally correct in that this probably has more to do with the fact that your oldest is more interactive and this seems to be more conducive for bonding for fathers. Sure, our husbands love their infants because they are a product of us and infants need them in a very primitive sense.

Women get nine months to carry a baby within and see the changes that the child brings to their lives almost from conception. Several months ago, there was a discussion on this board that pretty much confirmed that it often takes men a little longer to bond. Maybe you want to explore this topic a little more with your husband and express that you are concerned about this preferential effect on the entire family. Maybe it is time for him to have some one on one time with the family. These are just some thoughts.

Nonetheless, I really think that this problem will eliminate itself as your youngest child learns how to communicate, wrestle, laugh, and imitate her way into your hubby's heart.

Kelly
Edited by: kmbsjbcgb at: 8/14/02 11:20:26 am

[Phoebe]

I have seen my husband become more interactive with our daughter now she is a little older. Since your oldest child can communicate better than your youngest, it might be normal for your husband finds it easiest to relate to her. I can't personally understand how parents could favor one child over another.

Jennifer

[DCJenn]

Well- for those of you who have never seen it- Meet My Mother-in-Law.

She treats the girls (all of whom she birthed) all about the same. But...My husband is the total and complete favorite. He is the Very Special Boy. I don't know if its because he's adopted or because he's the only boy or because he is pretty cool. I don't know.

It's amazing to see though.

Jenn

[Meenah]

I agree with Kelly, your oldest can actually interact with her Dad. I have known several people who had this same dilemna (me included). My husband felt closer to our oldest I think because she was so much like him and very verbal at an early age. Our second daughter (only 21 months later) SCREAMED for the first year!!!!! Now we love them both with the same intensity, but appreciate their differences. As they get older it also depends on the stage you are in!!!!! Caroline is a high School Senior and just wants to have a good time. Amy is a college sophmore, very serious and Pre-Med. I think her Dad still finds it easier to talk with her!!! I am married for a second time, and my husband finds it easier to talk with my oldest. I find it easier to relate to his youngerst!!!!! Don't worry, just enjoy them.
Luanne

[Meenah]

Welcome to parenthood. I really do hope we are all here in 10 years to share one another's parental and spouse progress!!!
Luanne

[SueC]

Thanks for the input guys. I do think it has a lot to do with their ages--he has had more time to bond with our older child and she is easier to interact with. I probably will try to start a dialogue about the subject without him thinking I'm accusing him of playing favorites. That way I can voice my concerns about his bonding with the baby. One thing I was thinking about was that our older child wanted hardly anything to do with him for almost the whole first year--he had to work so hard for her adoration that it made it all the more sweet when he finally got it. He hasn't had to work at all to win our second over and he might kind of take that for granted. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way!

I hope we are too, Luanne....this is such a supportive group of people!

Sue, my husband has also gone through these phases and they generally involve the child who is paying him the most attention and that he can interact with the most...I don't think that it is necessarily a confession of favorites...my dh expresses a lot of guilt when he goes through this...I think it is just that he is able to feel closer to the children when they are able to interact with him.

Remind your husband that we all go through phases where we might feel more 'connected' to one child..particularly if they are more similar to us in personality style or are just in a phase that we can relate to...but that doesn't mean that he loves the children differently or loves one more than the other!

Isn't parenting fun

Kris

[Meenah]

Kris,
I couldn't have said it better.
Luanne

[SueC]

That is a good point Kris, maybe I will bring that up to him the next time anything like this comes up. I have been observing him with both of the girls lately, and I think he is trying a little harder with the baby. She is entering a really fun stage (she has just started walking and is curious about everything) and I really do see him enjoying her a lot more. Also, he has forgotten what a challenge her big sister was at this age. The other day he commented to me when the baby was screaming about something that our oldest didn't cry as much--I reminded him that she cried even more. Amazing how short their memories are!

Kristen is right - Jon and I both go through "phases" where we seem to get along better with one particular child (or even two) each. There's also phases where all the children don't seem to get along well with one of us and then there's the times when one of our kids just doesn't get along with anyone.

Jennifer

This is such an interesting thread. I think I had secretly been feeling that my husband had a favorite, although he says he doesn't. I was aching in my heart for the other twin that was not so "connected" to him. BUT, I now am realizing that the way Kris described this type of situation is a better way to think about it. Really, things are always changing, aren't they? The only constant about life and parenting is change!!!