For parents whose children actually behave....

I know that this might be a loaded question ... but without going into too much detail if you aren't comfortable...how do you get your children to be on their 'best behavior'...ie what are the consequences for misbehavior?

We are really, really struggling this summer with issues regarding bedtime as well as behavior in public places....the children seem to be using their outdoor voices everywhere. Right now, the biggest issue though is the backtalk. Holy Moly...if I say boo, my children have to give me their opinions...my patience is literally hanging together by a mere thread We've done the evil eye, taken away bikes, spent a lot of time in our room....Nothing is working!!!

Any advice would be aprreciated...

Kris

[Meenah]

All I can say is consequences. Every action must have a consequence that you are willing to carry out. TRUST me, I have had a few years of experience here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luanne

Wise words, Luanne! But it's sooooooo hard to be consistent. I find that it's the most exhausting thing to do, but I know it's important.

Kris, I don't know. I'm struggling with this too. I find my twins compete for my attention all the time, talking at the same time, seeing who can garner the front and center stage position. Is the struggle with all your kids or just the younger two? Age might be a factor, but as a mother for only three year olds, I have NO CLUE!

[mommax3]

I have to preface this by saying that you should always modify discipline to the children YOU have -- there is no universal "right way" -- and I don't fall into the category of someone whose children always behave -- but I would be a very frustrated parent if we didn't use spanking occasionally to reinforce a rule. There are some things to me that are non-negotiables, and one of them is talking respectfully. My boys do go through stages with this, but when they cross the line, they know it and usually have a bad consequence to help them remember. Obedience (which covers going to bed and STAYING there) is another one for us. I am not as consistent as I need to be and I don't expect my kids to ever be little robots ("Yes, mother.....yes, father) but there comes a point where they need to obey because we say so, regardless of their opinion in the matter.

I really make an effort not to spank them when I am angry and they usually have a warning unless they are really outrageous with their words or behavior. I find that when the expectations are clear, I don't have nearly as hard of a time with anger because I am not disciplining when I am at the end of my rope.

Now, let me add that I HATE spanking and believe that spankings should be rare. My husband has been known to laugh at me because my spanks can be more like taps on the rear end. I believe that most spanking should happen between ages 3 and 6, and should gradually disappear as a form of discipline by age 10. I will be much more comfortable when I can discipline by taking away privileges -- but the truth is that little kids don't have that many privileges to take away, and often they don't make the connection between privileges and behavior anyway. I guess in the final analysis, I compare my kids' life with a few spanks now and then to my kids' life where they haven't learned respect for authority or how to be unselfish and control their tongues, and I find the latter scenario to be much more of a nightmare.

I have heard that strong discipline during the early years in a child's life is crucial to developing respect for parents -- kids' behavior will modify naturally starting at about age 8, but if respect for their parents as authorities hasn't developed by then, the teenage years can be really hard. My oldest has such a strong will that he has been a real challenge and I really hope we have gotten through to him! My middle guy is much more sensitive but really has quite a temper. I don't know about Nathan yet, but my sense is that he is more like the older one.

I have said this before, but I really recommend the Dobson books. You don't have to buy every single thing he says, but his principles are pretty good, in my opinion.

Just my .02!

Sally

My kids behave according to their moods, the level of stress I'm experiencing, and how organized I am. I've just noticed that if I alter the environment and subtley influence my kids by improving all of our moods somehow that they tend to behave pretty well and discipline is almost unnecessary. Now, there are days when one or all of them are just big grumps and behavioral nightmares. On those occasions I try to keep my cool and tailor the punishment to the crime. I also try very, very, VERY hard to change MY expectations of them to fit their ages. After all, you can only expect so much out of a five year old!!!

Anyway, above all I try to teach my children when they are behaving that I don't just love them I LIKE them as well (ie I enjoy their company, I think they are fun to talk to, and I respect them). When I consistantly do this I have few problems. It's when I let our relationship slide that the discipline probs start popping up. If that happens I use the double edged sword (carrot and stick strategy) of figuring out what is the underlying cause of the behavioral problem (ie how can I change myself or my child's environment to influence him/her to WANT to behave) and figuring out suitable forms of punishment (so that my child sees there are bad consequences to breaking the rules).

I do see cycles in my kids' behaviors, but I also have cycles in my own behavior. I guess my view is that I am the law-maker, the police officer, and the judge and jury. BUT, I have to do all of the above while remembering that I am also the counselor, the support system, and the source of unconditional love to my kids.

I have spanked but I find it to be only helpful as a punishment on very rare occasions. I find that I spank more frequently depending more upon MY tolerance level for my kid's behaviors rather than if the kids' behavior has actually gotten worse. Anyway, punishments I have used include: "time out" (ie remove the child from the situation if the child is harming another, make the child lie down in bed if the child appears to be having problems due to lack of adequate sleep), not allowing a child to participate in a desired activity/play with a desired toy (with the explanation to the child that 1)mommy is so uspet by the behavior that she no longer desires to do that activity, 2)if the child is misbehaving now, it is quite possible that misbehavior will occur at the activity, 3)playing with certain toys is a privelege to be earned by behaving), making a child six the problem (ie if the child throws a bowl of cereal during a tantrum that child has to pick all of the cereal up and mop up the milk, etc).

I try to temper "justice" with mercy as much as possible. Every opportunity I have to be merciful with punishments - I take it - BUT I let my children KNOW that Mommy is being merciful and the punishment could be much, much worse. I also take every available opportunity to sit down with my children after they've misbehaved and things are CALM to have a conversation with them on why certain behavior is not allowed and what the consequences are. As my children get older I think I'm going to begin asking for their input on what punishments should be for different "crimes". Of course, my husband and I will have the final say, but kids can be tougher on themselves than adults are IF given the opportunity to logically think about bad actions.

There are several "cardinal sins" in my home that will NOT get mercy in the punishment: 1)maliciously harming another, 2)harming a baby (but I have yet to have my children do something like that - kids I've babysat have, though, so I guess not all kids are taught that baby's are not ever to be harmed), and as they get older 3)lying.

Anyway, these are some of my views on the subject. I wouldn't say my children behave all of the time, but I have been blessed to be the parent of people who I genuinly enjoy being around and living with. I think that influences their behavior a great deal....

Jennifer

Jennifer

I have to add a wonderful quote which encapsulates my parenting philosophy perfectly:

"You ought always to take the lead of your children in their minds and affections. Instead of being behind with the whip, always be in advance, then you can say, "Come along," and you will have no use for the rod. They will delight to follow you, and will like your words and ways, because you are always comforting them and giving them pleasure and enjoyment. If they get a little naughty, stop them when they have gone far enough.... When they transgress, and transcend certain bounds we want them to stop. If you are in the lead they will stop, they cannot run over you; but if you are behind they will run away from you." - Brigham Young

Jennifer

Kris,

I feel like I really can relate with the frustrations you are going through. We have struggled all summer with the kids' behavior, mostly Tyler's. I always bring him up because he is my hardest challenge. Nothing seems to work with him. I have tried everything from Time outs, grounding to spankings. I tried a different tactic with him a couple of weeks ago and when he has been really out of control, it has helped.

I read a quote by a mother who said, "You have to love your children when they're the least lovable." I put Tyler in his room last night for talking back to me. He subsequently started throwing toys at his door leaving dents! I spanked him and left him in his room. He threw more things and was screaming at me. I went back in with the first impulse to spank him again. Then I remembered that quote. Instead, I went in and just sat down by him. We didn't say anything for a minute ( I needed the minute to calm down) and then I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. He said he was sorry. We talked about his behavior and how inappropriate it was. I then told him to clean his room and then he could come back out. He calmed down and did what he was asked to do. That was a miracle in itself! He was good the rest of the evening. Who would have thought that a hug and saying "I love you" would make him change so abruptly. I realize that won't always work but it really did make me stop and think about my tactics. With Tyler, the more upset I get, the more out of control he becomes. The key is getting myself under control first and not being impulsive. There are no easy answers. (I think I may have told this story before. If so ... sorry!!! )

I agree with firm disclipline with lots of love!

Robin