I've never felt the baby itch.

Hello,

I'm 29, been married 2 years, and I've never felt the baby itch. I'm starting to feel a bit stressed out because I know that I'm getting older, and that it would be best to start having kids soon. But I just don't feel ready. When did you feel ready? Should I be concerned that I haven't ever felt the baby itch? I do want kids someday, but I'm just not ready.

Any thoughts?

[migirl]

I don't know if you ever feel 'ready.' I was never one who ooed and aahed over babies, I never spent any time with young children, I didn't really feel the baby itch either. Honestly, when we decided to start trying to have a child it felt like it was as good a time as any since DH was in his research year and would have ample time to spend with me and the new baby. I was terrified of how my seeming ambivalence toward children would shape me as a mother, but now that he's here I can't imagine not having him our lives.

I don't think you should feel stressed out about it, you'll know when it's the right time for you.

[DCJenn]

That is the precise reason why I was 38 when we adopted Nikolai. I was not ready before then. (and we're stopping at one)

He's a joy and we love him more than imaginable but one little tiny person wreaks havoc in even the most stable lives.

There is no such thing as the right time or the right way.

Jenn

Eh, don't stress over it. I agree, you'll know. Like a family friend told us when we were contemplating parenthood, sometime before menopause sets in would probably be good

veg,
i'm also 29 - not married, but 3½ years into a relationship. i love babies, i want one, but not anytime in the next 5 years - after which, SO will be done with fellowship and i will hopefully be over my angry pedestrian phase. it's what's keeping us from getting married right now... he also knows he doesn't want a kid in the next 5 years, but isn't sure he wants one after that. i only know that i feel strongly enough about having one eventually that we're in therapy now over it. how does your dh feel?

The funny thing is that I definitely felt ready for marriage. DH and I had been together for 2.5 years before we got engaged. And we got engaged when I was 26. I definitely did not feel ready at age 25, but sometime at age 26, I finally felt ready. It was interesting in that it was a definitely perceptible change in my feelings toward marriage. I finally felt ready to enter into the committment. But a year earlier I did not.

I wonder if it will be such a definite feeling of readiness for a baby?

Like someone posted above, I, too, have never oohed and aahed about babies. Cute animals, definitely. But not babies. I'm more like, "oh, that's a cute baby," but with a cute animal I go on and on about it. I also never spent much time around small children, and now I'm never around small children. Plus, we don't have any friends who are married or have kids, so I'm just not around them.

But I'm already 29, and I want to have a healthy, low-stress pregnancy, which likely means not waiting past 35. And at that point, we'd probably have to stop at one child, although we'd both like two.

I guess what it comes down to is that right now at least, I like my "me" time a lot. I feel like I'm still finding my career path, and I don't feel "settled" at all career wise. Plus, moving halfway across the country to a new city in a month, plus not having any idea where we'll be permanently planting our roots location-wise--I feel like everything is too up in the air right now to even start thinking about getting pregnant.

Any thoughts?

In response to Dayisme's question about how my DH feels, he's very easy-going and flexible. If I wanted a baby now, he'd be up for it. If I wanted to wait 4 years, he'd be up for that. I know that he wants kids someday, and I know that he wants at least 2, but if it were medically okay for us to start trying at 35, I'm sure he'd be okay with that.

[houseelf]

I felt the same way at the time. Even after we got pregnant with an oops baby, I was worried. There is no bigger life change than having a child. Fortunately, we fell head over heals in love in spite of all of these ambivalent emotions. Honestly, I'm relieved that we had our first baby when we did because I'd probably still be waffling. Now I'm all gung ho.

Everything that you're feeling is NORMAL!

Kelly

[HeartRN]

I felt the same way at the time. Even after we got pregnant with an oops baby, I was worried. There is no bigger life change than having a child. Fortunately, we fell head over heals in love in spite of all of these ambivalent emotions. Honestly, I'm relieved that we had our first baby when we did because I'd probably still be waffling. Now I'm all gung ho.

Everything that you're feeling is NORMAL!

Kelly

Couldn't agree more--ours was an "oops" also...I certainly want another one, but am very.....cautious. And I certainly will not have a second child if I need to continue working full time!

Honestly, there's no way of being prepared, in my humble opinion. Little people=huge change, no matter how you try to work it....

[SueC]

One of my sisters has been married over 13 years and has never felt the baby itch. She is now 37 and is happy with her husband and her pets. She'd make a fantastic mother, but she doesn't have that urge and I commend her for not succombing to societal pressures. I say if you don't have the baby itch, keep enjoying the carefree life of a married couple without kids!

[DCJenn]

Oh, let me also add this- I've NEVER wanted to be pregnant, for 100% selfish reasons. However, I decided that we should 'try' the regular way and let me tell you I was the happiest girl in the infertility clinic when they said, "oh, we're so sorry..."

I about hugged them. Of course by that time we were 3/4 of the way through the adoption. I am the most happy and contented mom in the world and all of my parts are exactly where they've always been...

Jenn