Help with Tough Conversations

[Phoebe]

My 4.5 year old has had experiences with deaths in our family (i.e, a cat and her great-grandmother) last year. We tried to down play it that they went to heaven with God and Jesus. Now my daughter has put pieces of conversations together and realized that when as you age, you can die or get sick. The problem is that she has no concept of age.

She has brought up several times that she doesn't want to die. I have again tried to reassure her that she won't be doing that anytime soon and not to worry about it. I haven't been successful at putting her mind at ease. Today she tells me that she doesn't want to get any older or that she isn't going to eat because she doesn't want to get any bigger. Again, I tried to explain the concept of age and that death is a part of life and some people get sick/hurt regardless of age. However, she wouldn't take my answer and still refused to eat. I also added that there are things you can do to try and stay healthy like exercise and eat healthy foods. So she will only eat fruit now.

I feel at such a loss because I am pretty literal and my husband says I shoot from the hip so I am having a hard time putting things in 4yo terms. Any suggestions on how to handle this issue or books to share with her? I have a feeling it will pass and she will eat when she gets really hungry. But she has brought this issue up several times.

Thanks, jennifer

I don't know, Jennifer. We have struggled with this after FIL passed away almost 2 years ago. It is hard to explain in terms that make sense to a 4 yo but are also not scary.

We've had some of the food questions too -- a lot of wondering about what is healthy and not, more than what I would think is normal.

We pretty much kept it to death happening when people get really sick and that FIL got really sick because he smoked. That way we could put a lot of it on a specific thing. A friend of ours lost her parents in a car accident quite a while ago. DD is friends with their daughter and they are open about what happened, why she doesn't have living grandparents on that side, etc. That has been another way to talk about it -- that sometimes really bad accidents happen where people can't be fixed. You might not want to bring up that sort of thing in case it induces more worry. But keeping it to more extremes (bad accidents don't happen as often as less serious ones) seemed to help.

To explain getting older, we would tell her that FIL had a lot more birthdays than her and even more birthdays than DH and me. Maybe you can find an angle like that.

Good luck. It is one of those times you want to crawl into a bubble with them.

[Sheherezade]

I had some luck talking about cars. Sounds silly, but it puts the aging process in a very concrete example. I explained that kids bodies are like new and shiny cars just off the lot. As you get older, you might need a new part or two. Whenyou get very, very old then you might be so "broken" that you can't be fixed anymore. How you hold up depends on how you take care of yourself, to some degree. I know it's trivializing a big topic, but it does make it more concrete for a little kid. I'm not sure that would help, but it's an idea.

As far as general anxiety, we've had a lot of issues with that here. I've found that just acknowledging the fears and providing re-assurance over and over is better than making a big deal about it. Eventually, they work through it. I'd maybe think of a really far out example - like an elephant falling out of a tree and hitting your car - to explain that bad things can happen but are unlikely. Most kids can appreciate when something is just silly. If you let her know that death can happen to anyone, but it is unlikely to happen to a healthy person (in a silly way) that might calm her fears about it happening to you or dad - or her.

[mommax3]

No ideas, but you got some good thoughts here.

You know that kids who ask this stuff before they can really emotionally handle the ramifications are smart kids, right? Small comfort, I know.

DS #1 did go through this, but from a slightly different angle, and my answers were probably more religiously-oriented than would be appropriate to post.

Sally

[DCJenn]

Actually Sally, I was going to say that if you have a religious custom, now might be the time to introduce it.

Unfortunately, the heathens in my family will make it impossible to discuss anything with Nikolai that won't completely freak him out. "yes, honey, your grandmother wants a dolman built in the back yard so the vultures and other beasts can do their thing."

You can ask her what she thinks is going on and maybe get to where the confusion is coming from?

Jenn

We say that everyone has a turn at life.

When your turn is over, you die.

If you didn't die, the world would be too crowded, and other people wouldn't get their turn.

Usually you have your turn until you are very old and wrinkly and your body is all worn out and you are ready to die. Sometimes you are born with parts of your body not working right and your body wears out much sooner, sometimes you have an accident and can't be fixed, and sometimes you get sick and can't get better.

But everyone who is born gets a turn and you just have to try to be as nice and caring as you can so you leave the people who are still living with happy memories of you.

eta DS1 asked lots of questions when my brother passed away a couple years ago and I had to fly out for the funeral. Plus, my dad is dead, and he always tells my mom about it when they talk, to explain why he can't talk to Grandpa.

This is one book we read.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/068971 ... oding=UTF8

eeta I agree, asking her to explain it to you might help. DS1 says once in awhile that he doesn't want to die or have us die and I just say, yeah, I know. But would wouldn't you feel sad if you never got your turn? He usually says yeah, but its not fair. And I say, yeah, I know and that usually ends it.

Good luck on this, its a tough one.

that is good wisdom Tracy.

also - I'm sorry to hear about your brother.

We've been getting a lot of "exactly how" does something happen and "exactly why". The broader answers or analogies aren't cutting it lately.

I agree that getting to as specific a concern as possible helps. That way you are answering what they ask and you also avoid bringing in new issues or concerns by answering more than they really wanted to know. Easier said than done...

[alison]

Oh gosh... When I was little I was SO afraid of dying. The way you describe it is EXACTLY how I was when I was little. I must have been about 6 or 7 when I asked my grandfather about death. I told him I was afraid about getting sick, what dying felt like, how I would talk to people, the whole 9 yards. One thing that has stuck with me (and helped me come to terms with his death a few years ago) was that to my question he said--and I remember this distinctly: "when you get as old as grandpa, you won't be afraid to die anymore and you are kind of looking forward to the peace and quiet and not having to talk to anyone."

[houseelf]

My response isn't exactly on point but I have to add these references for help with those hard conversations (in general).


The Kid's Guidebook: Great Advice to Help Kids Cope

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/076412 ... oding=UTF8


A Very Touching Book...for Little People and for Big People (Paperback)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/096110 ... e&n=283155


Both of these books are starting points for some of the more difficult conversations.

Kelly