How would you handle this?

[Phoebe]

I wish I had more confidence in my own parenting decisions, because I feel like I am constantly asking for advice here. My oldest (4.5 years old) has been in this phase lately where she doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything and want to "stay at home forever". At first, I thought it was because she was burned out from school and activities. She is a homebody like her dad. However, now I am seeing otherwise.

My neighbor invited Avery over to her house this afternoon for a playdate. She absolutely didn't want to go eventhough she considers this little girl her favorite friend. She was making excuses such as being tired and wanting Julia to come to our house or bringing Ella too. I knew it was because she was nervous. Most of the social situations recently have involved me being there so she is in her comfort zone.

My dilemma is if I should push her into uncomfortable situations. I fear that if she doesn't enter social situations regularly, it will be harder when she has to like going to school. Today I gave the choice to go to her friends house or take a nap in her room. She chose not to go and therefore is taking a very much protested nap. Her dad is the same exact way with social situations and I understand that it is scary for her, but I am very frustrated with this phase. She has never had a problem interacting with other kids, she is slow to warm up. I want to be understanding, but she has to know that there are things in life that are uncomfortable and you have to face them.

Jennifer

[Sheherezade]

No advice, we have the same problem here.


My kids are much older, but they are still wary of social situations with new friendships. I have backed off making plans for them. Whenever I accept a playdate offer for them, they get mad. I have realized that they are getting old enough to choose there own friends so I've stopped forcing social things. Of course, then they don't try. There is no tension now, but I wish they were more outgoing. I'd love to hear how other parents end up with outgoing kids. I'm hoping it's just genetic and not some terrible mistake I've made parenting them.

(I've never forced the social stuff much and have listened to their fears about going places more often than ignoring them - so if my parenting is to blame, I'd just force your kids to go visit people over and over until they get used to it!)

I'd love to hear how other parents end up with outgoing kids. I'm hoping it's just genetic and not some terrible mistake I've made parenting them.

That is my theory. I am more introverted and take time to warm up in a social setting. My kids vary -- sometimes very outgoing and sometimes need to warm up, but less than I do and end up being more outgoing. They didn't get it from me nor is it anything I feel I can take credit for! ETA: DH is more outgoing so I figure they get it from him?

Jennifer, my thought, FWIW, is to offer to have playdates at your house if it is easier for her to be on her own turf. Otherwise maybe let it go for a few weeks and see what happens?

[Stella]

Well, I ended up an outgoing kiddo but I'm not sure why or how. Both of my parents are pretty goutgoing and involved in many different activities. Independence was always encouraged in our household and as kids, we made a lot of our own decisions (with advice from our parents) but we also had to reep the consequences of mistakes when we made them.

I know it must be hard to distinguish everything at 4.5 years old, but I'd encourage some outings, even if it is just with the two of you at first. Or maybe meet up with others at a third party location. Sometimes being on someone else's turf is just too intimidating but if it is neutral, maybe she'll grow on the idea?

Good luck!

[Phoebe]

Thanks for the responses. I figure she will grow out of this phase, yet I still worry it will linger into the fall when school starts and she is signed up for 4 days of pre-school. I dread fighting her every morning when I know she loves school. She loves this little girl that she blew off today and I knew she would have fun. In the long run, it isn't a big deal. I guess I worry too much.

I gave her the choice of going to her friends or a nap in her room because she said she was tired as the reason she couldn't go play and I needed a nap today. We will be doing more playdates at our house from now on.

Thanks

Jennifer

I've noticed that I have to give a fair amount of notice to Bryn for upcoming changes. It seems to help with anxiety or uncertainty quite a bit as does planning out ways to handle situations she is worried about. I sometimes start to get lax about it and then something comes up that reminds me to do it. Maybe in part because it is a phase?

Do you think it would help to talk to her about preschool for a few weeks before she starts? I know that for some kids this doesn't work as well and gives them more time to worry about something and a quicker change is easier.

[HeartRN]

Just a thought, and sorry if it's a repeat comment (I ran through the other comments pretty quickly )....perhaps this is also your daughter's way of feeling secure/in control with the impending arrival of a new sibling?

I hope things get better soon, take care.