Do you tell...

[PrincessFiona]

other parents when their kids misbehave?

For the most part, I don't....If I'm a witness to something, I pretty much will tell the kids to stop what they are doing (if I see someone doing something to injure someone else, etc). But, for example, even with the prank calls I got from my neighbor's daughter's cell phone...I pretty much handled it by telling the child to not call my phone anymore like that because it is impolite. I didn't go to the parents.

All around me though, are tattlers. Both crazy neighbor and her good friend have told me on more than one occasion "gee, I don't want to upset you, but...

So this am I got another call from CN's good friend. "hey, I don't want to offend you or start any fighting neighbor stuff or anything." "but...alex was outside on Saturday with a bat and he was sticking it through the mailbox and people's mail fell out. I told him to stop." I thanked her for the call. First off, it was not a bat, it was a noodle for swimming and...he was doing it to our mailbox. He very may well have done it to the neighbor's as well and it isn't acceptable. I'll address it.



I told CN's friend that I would never have a problem with her coming to me with something...the only time I would have a problem is if she started badmouthing me or my children to other neighbors without bringing an issue to my attention. She stuttered and stammered over that one.

Still...I never tattle...but I'm thinkin' I might start. :>

kris

If it is the usual stuff, I don't say anything.

But I have had to send neighbor kid home and when I do that, I will explain why to the parents. Not that they do anything. :disappointed:

[Sheherezade]

This is a sticky issue. Some parents want to know everything - and they don't need that. Most kids don't want you to take it to their parents; if the issue is small, that can be overkill. BUT......when the problems get bigger you do need to tell the parents. Kids (older kids) count on the silence of adults because talking about a child's poor behavior is socially awkward. Some examples:

I've recently heard of a neighbor here who refuses to go to the parents. The offending teen is stealing beer out of her garage refrigerator regularly. Kid stuff? Or something to tell the parents? (or the police!)

I had one kid SPIT at another kid on the playground a few days ago. I talked to the two that had the disagreement and tried to put it to rest. I have vaccilated over whether I should have called the parents. I know both families. I'd be shocked if someone told me my kid shot a luger across the playground at another child. Last year, a kid in my son's class attacked him--he threw him on the ground and started choking him. I heard the story from my son and other parents....but the school didn't call. I had to bring it up with the teacher and the principal. I think it's hard to know WHEN to tell. It's not always tattling. Sometimes, parents should call but don't because they fear the reaction on the other side of the phone. We actualy have a contract circling the parents groups here that addresses this very issue. It gives other parents permission to notify you if your child acts in a way that is dangerous to themselves or others. The sense here is that parents don't want to hear it....until it's too late.

Now that I think about it more, it IS sticky. I was a little ticked off a few weeks ago, before school, when said neighbor parent did not tell me about something her daughter did to mine. Her kid got off the teter-totter really fast and Bryn fell forward and smacked her chest into it. I don't know if it knocked the wind out of her but she felt like she had to catch her breath. She told me about it and was ok (but was sore for the next day) but I really think they should have told me something since she was hurt. A week or so after that she freaked out about getting off the teter-totter and was really upset. A lot of my frustration is probably due to the on-going issues we've had with this child.

I know that isn't the same as stealing beer out of the fridge! If she had just tripped or been scraped up, I wouldn't care so much. That fell outside of normal for me.

When I'm watching kids Anna's age, I probably more likely to tattle on her. It doesn't happen a lot, but if she did hit or something, I would tell a parent in case their kid is talking about it later.

I'm super happy to read this post because I am facing the exact same sort of issue....
Our 9 year old son only has one friend...(he's extremely shy) problem is that the friend is a brat! I am fairly strict with our kids and there are a few things I will not tolerate, but this kid pushes ALL of the limits.
I allowed him to come for a sleepover on the weekend and regretted it from the first minute...I took them to the movie store and the only movies he would look at were scary R movies...exoricst, aliens etc....my guys are only allowed General movies, so he threw a fit (yes, he's 9) in the store...then he wanted candy (it was 8:00) and I had already bought them a chocolate bar and popcorn and my no answer brought on another fit.....I won't go in anymore detail other than to say that the entire night was like that! It ended with me telling them that they needed to sleep and he says with a smirk "make me" UGGHHH
I told the dad the next day(who is 68 and has no interest in having a 9 year old) and he grunted (yep, I said grunted)and when I called his mom she said that he was unexpected and that as an only child it's kind of to be expected ............anyway telling the parents did nothing, I don't want the kid back, but he's Mark's only friend..........what to do?

I don't know if this will help. Neighbor kid has (finally) figured out that certain things don't fly at our house. I think I'm super-ogre in her eyes.

If they didn't live so close by, or weren't at the same school or grade or soccer team, it would be a lot easier. I decided that I would rather have her over here and keep an eye on things. At times, and for a few months at a time (usually over the summer), I've really limited the time they are together.

Looking on the bright side, it's been a good way for DD to learn that we have different rules in our house than others and she needs to follow them at home and away. And she is learning how to stick to her guns, not believe the stories this kid tells, etc. (A lot of this goes beyond the usual kid to kid stuff). DH wants to move.

[rainbabies]

I told the dad the next day(who is 68 and has no interest in having a 9 year old) and he grunted (yep, I said grunted)and when I called his mom she said that he was unexpected and that as an only child it's kind of to be expected

no advice sarah, but just wanted to say that telling you the above is just horrible. i bet that little boy KNOWS his parents say that(and feel that)....and it may be part (just a little) of his problems. how sad.

something i tell myself when i come across a stinker child. it's not the child (99.999% of the time) it's the parents. i tell myself that over and over....until said child goes home.

something i tell myself when i come across a stinker child. it's not the child (99.999% of the time) it's the parents. i tell myself that over and over....until said child goes home. [/color]

That is what I tell myself with the neighbor kid. I feel badly for her (when she is not driving me up a wall). She has not had the help she needs to learn to behave and interact appropriately.

[Sheherezade]

I'm with Nellie. I say that you lay down "house rules" and tell the kid (nicely) that that's how it goes in this household. My son has certainly learned that there are houses out there with more rules than ours....and houses out there with more freedom. It's a good life lesson, in the end. I'd not feel bad about setting the tone in your own home, though. As for calling the parents, I'm sorry yu got the reaction you did. Maybe the parents took the information to heart anyway and just got defensive? You never know.

[houseelf]

So, Kris, What exactly has my sweet, perfect, always well-behaved little *angels* done that you haven't told me about?

Back to the topic at hand, this is a hard issue! I'm not afraid to discipline other peoples' kids on major issues if I'm the adult in charge. Sometimes I will even gently redirect a child if their parent is present and I'm not comfortable with something that is going on.
When I'm the only adult, I often say "At our house we do______ but not ___________". I'm nice, but I also let them know that a play date at our house isn't a free for all. Conversely, I expect my kids to follow other peoples' rules at their houses. I always let DS know that I will seek a report about behavior from the other adult upon my return.

On one occasion, I threatened to call a child's parents, but I didn't go through with it. True to my hypocritical self, however, I would appreciate the courtesy of knowing my little angels' exploits.

These things are best approached in careful terms:
"Mrs. Math :> , I wasn't sure if this is something I should tell you or not, but I just wanted to let you know that Cade and Alex decided to____________. I dealt with it by doing ___. I hope that this was suitable with you."

Alternatively, "I know how crazy parenting young energetic boys can be. <insert story of my own child's antics> Anyway, I don't know if you know this, but when I was out driving the other day, I saw little Timmy hit a younger child. Maybe I failed to see the entire scene, but perhaps you might want to ask him about it.". This gives people an out to save face publicly while giving them the information they need to parent. (Of course some individuals will shrug off this opportunity to parent and turn on you.) It is a chance you take.

Information about our kids is always good.

Kelly

[mommax3]

My rule of thumb: If it is something *I* would want to be told about, I will tell the other child's parent. If they think "so what?" it is no skin off my back.

I don't take too much from kids, my own or anyone else's. There are two neighborhood boys that don't play at my house because they know I will send them home if they cuss....and they would rather cuss. Fine. I don't mind my boys playing with them, but at my house (or in my yard) you follow my rules.

When I do have to talk about other parents about something, though, I try to be very diplomatic, and approach it as someone who has BTDT (which is usually the case).

Sally

I'm kind of on the same wavelength with Sally. I'll usually deal w/stuff myself, and let the parent know if it's something I would want to know about.

The thing that automatically comes to mind is a day this summer at the pool when my sweet, 12 year old neighbor boy was play-fighting w/another kid in the pool and was yelling "Quit it! You raper! You rapist! Quit that! Stop raping me!"

My guess is the kid has NO idea what 'rape' means, and either way, he shouldn't be yelling it at a pool w/lots of little kids around. His mom was walking into the pool just as the episode ended, so I pulled her aside and filled her in. She knows I love the kid, and she was grateful to hear.

[PrincessFiona]

I think it IS a sticky issue....I sturggle with the idea of disciplining other people's children....Generally speaking, I will tell a child to stop what they are doing in the same way that I would tell me own...usually nice and if they don't listen or continue to misbehave, I will send them home.

My neighbor has a huge problem with anyone disciplining her children. One of our very nice neighbors has a little girl who is 8 and a group of older neighborhood children were outside and were unfriendly to this 8 year old and the little friend that she had over. An argument between the older girls/younger girls ensued and my nice neighbor simply said "why can't all of you girls get along" (this was directed at her girls as well as the older girls). My nextdoor neighbor flew into a rage about how her daughter had been shamed and humiliated by this experience and how inappropriate it is to say anything to someone else's kids.

I think the thing that bothered me the most that I left out what my neighbor this morning had said to me:

She told me about Alex and the mailboxes (totally fine to tell me so that I could address it....I had, but I will again..I certainly don't want anyone's mail to get lost!). BUT she said "It was Alex and that other doctor's kids. You know...the doctor who is married to a doctor...and I'm certainly not going to say anything to them because who knows how THEY will react"

Oh, yes, we doctor's families are so scarey!

That is what really rubbed me the wrong way, but I somehow ommitted it.

The other thing that bothers me is that she mentioned that it was a FEDERAL CRIME to mess with people's mail.



Yes, it is an important thing but the way she framed it "Your son participated in a FEDERAL crime"....what criminals my dawkter kids are! He's 7. He stuck a swimming pool noodle through a mailbox. It was wrong, but it wasn't an attempted federal crime for the love of gawd.

We soooo need to get out of Central MN.

kris

Oh yeah, he is going straight to the big house and taking the noodle with him.

My nextdoor neighbor flew into a rage about how her daughter had been shamed and humiliated by this experience

By which experience? Really, where does one start....

[Sheherezade]

Now see....those are some big details you left out!

I'd be pissed too. Clearly she has some preconceived notions about "doctor's kids". Privileged brats? Something along those lines?

I'd probably just barely resist the urge to smack her.

As to the federal crime business, that's overkill. And when someone's kid is doing something wrong and they are 7, that's always minor. I can't imagine a kid that age being real trouble. I just point out that the issue is sticky because when the kids get older, they can get in some real trouble. Maybe actually commit federal crimes! Then, it is important for people to feel it is OK to speak up. JMHO.

Now....this is CN? Or a new problem on the block?