WHEN is the right time???

Hi all,

My husband and I just got married in June, after dating for 7 years. We are very very ready to have kids. We are emotionally ready, that is. Financially, I have a great job with GREAT insurance...for now. Until he begins his residency next summer and we move and I leave my job and benefits. Anyhow, I guess the question I have for you all is: Is there an optimal time for us to start having kids? It seems like during intern year wouldn't be a good idea, but quite frankly...my clock is ticking!! I am going to be 28 and he is 27 (and a half). I just don't want to get pregnant and then have to move to a new place, then have only 1 income again (for awhile)--but at the same time, I don't want to have kids much later than 30. Any advice from you Mom's out there?? If you could do it all over again, would you change anything??

There are quite a few threads on this very topic. You could search for them or look back through parenting.

The Cliff Notes version is that there is no right time but a lot of people have opinions on better or wose times and everyone with kids has made it work at various times during training.

My two cents would be to avoid intern year. Especially if you might be moving for residency after that year. But some intern years are worse than others....

No matter what, you'll make it work.

[SuzySunshine]

Amy, this is the million dollar question around here and if any of us knew the answer our docs could retire!

Seriously, I know what you mean. I don't recall what specialty your DH is going into but I too would not recommend intern year. For most specialties it is the worst year in terms of schedule. Do you want to be a new mom in a new city?

However, the pros of intern year are that if you don't plan to work until after the baby is born you will get used to living on one salary instead of getting used to two and then taking one away.

The other thing to think about is that you never know how long it will take you to get pregnant. We, for example, have been trying for 16 months. Others get pg their first month.

You'll figure out how to make it work regardless of when you decide, its a decision only the two of you can really make.

[spotty_dog]

There are pros and cons, and really it's a question you'll have to work out for your family.

We had always known we were looking forward to being parents. We were married between MS-1 and 2 after almost 6 years of dating. We knew the downsides to kids during training, but financially we've got a few extra buffers, and we didn't see any good reasons to wait longer. Especially once he chose Emergency Medicine, which is a generally very reasonable training load. We WERE going to wait at least until Match Day to finalize the decision and start trying, to ensure we didn't end up in an expensive city or a program with a wicked schedule something, but our lentil took matters into its own hands and we were announcing our 9 weeks pregnancy on Match Day. We'll be 27 and almost 29 when I deliver this little bundle in a few weeks.

It'll be a challenge and no doubt. Among other things it's easy to sit back and say "Babies just need mother's milk and a drawer to sleep in!" only to find out just how expensive even modest newborn startup costs can be! (Thank goodness for generous friends and family!) But we have no regrets so far and don't anticipate any.

[pstone]

When you are ready is the right time. Screw all those things people say about when it is better or worse. If you want kids have them, get your head checked, but have them. Then just make it work. They are worth it, I think....as mine screams...

[Flynn]

This is a slippery slope.

I'm going to go take out my "angel of death" hat I have in the closet, dust it off, and try to remember training while I pop another bottle of champagne with my new "house boy" Declan. Post - training ROCKS!

1.) No there isn't a "right time."
2.) Annie's right -- never underestimate how broke and tired you will be as a single parent (depending on speciality, some are more alone than others)
3.) I had my daughter at 31. Being in a big city and knowing several people in medicine, I was very much on the younger side for being a new parent. What's special about age 30?
4.) Dating and marriage are two totally different states of being. Having some time to be married before you throw kids into the mix was VALUABLE for us.
5.) Having a child changes every aspect of your life in a way nothing else can. Residency is like this too.
6.) Intern year is not the best time to start a family. The transition from med school to residency will be hard enough.


We had DD during our PGY 6 year and DS during our PGY 8 year. Having kids towards the end of residency was a good choice for us because my daughter barely remembers when "Daddy wasn't ever around." We also never had to pull anyone from their friends or school for a move. With that being said, we were 27 in our R2 year -- not in med school so everyone's situation is different.

Never ever ever ever minimize the challenges you will have to take on as the non doc spouse. You will have to do and be EVERYTHING. There will be weeks where your doc will see the kid for a couple of hours and that will be a good week.

Residency is brutal. Treat it with respect or it will bite you in the ass and make a horrible mark. Residency with kids is a whole other level of sacrifice. I was never truly exhausted until I married a surgeon and had children. I had been tired maybe but never truly exhausted.

Try to be smart and cautious here -- being overly optimistic about how well you'll handle things is tricky. Slow and steady wins the race.

[migirl]

There will be weeks where your doc will see the kid for a couple of hours and that will be a good week.

Sadly, this is too true.

DH is nearing the end of his training (well, he's PGY-5 of 6, but we're looking at an additional 2 years of fellowship afterward), and we've now got a busy 9-month-old boy. I like that Jack isn't going to remember how little his daddy is around now, and that if we do decide to move for attending-hood he'll be just about to start school. DH also had a built-in research year with nice hours, so that was the perfect time for us to become first-time parents.

I agree, intern year is a hard time even WITHOUT having the kids, adding a new baby into the mix would be really difficult. In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about the money stuff because you'll manage. It might be tight, but if you want kids and you want them during residency, you'll figure things out.

[SuzySunshine]

Given this discussion, I thought this was appropriate.

http://money.cnn.com/magazines/money...092717?cnn=yes

[alison]

I posted my question about an optimal time for a baby, but I think it's in one of the private forums. I think you've gotten really good advice.

A lot of residents with loans will choose to defer the loans or put them in forebearance so they don't make payments during residency.

[alison]

We don't have any loans to pay back. I don't pay for grad school and earn a bit on the side from teaching. Money's tight, but to be honest, we're not very wise with how we spend it. So I think it depends on your priorities. If ours were kids, then we'd be better money-savers!!

We do live in Chicago, so the cost of living eats up a good deal of what we earn. This past year, we managed to go on two rather large vacations without breaking our backs. That's what I mean by not being very wise with our money, but winter is bitter cold here, so by Feb/March, we kill for nice weather. That vacation money (a good $5000 this year, could have gone to other things).

I don't think dh and I are ready for kids right now. It's not a money thing, but rather, the idea of having a baby in a one bedroom apartment without a parking spot (we pay for garage parking 2 1/2 blocks away) doesn't really appeal to me. I'm not sure I want to be in the middle of a big city like this pushing around kids in a stroller. I'd rather wait another 2 years or so. Like you, I'm also 28. My dad and mil like to make the ticking of my clock louder so I'll hear it, but it's our (dh and my) decision to make, not theirs.

Sorry to hijack.

[Sheherezade]

Since there isn't any perfect time to start a family, I thought I'd just post the pros and the cons of my own experience. We had our two kids during DHs PGY-1 and PGY-3. They were turning 5 and 8 a when he finished his training years.

Pros:
1) Having babies/staying home with them gave me a job that was as all consuming as residency. I suppose that could be my own personal style, but I jumped in to parenting with all my heart and soul.

2) Having young children facilitates meeting new people in new places if you use it. Join playgroups, go to the local parks, hit story times. All new stay at homes are lonely, not just the medical spouses. Friends are a huge help during residency.

3) I think it is almost easier to set strict kid routines when you don't have a spouse around to mess things up. Also, it's great to be in total control. At least.....for control freaks like me.

4) No infertility issues....since I had my kids at 27 and 29. I think I might have had more if I had waited.

Cons:

1) Money was tighter than it would have been if I'd kept working and not had kids/stayed home. I think that having kids/continuing to work can also be expensive given childcare costs and the added stress. No kids and a job can be seriously better financially.

2) I had to deal with the little crying faces that wanted to see Daddy. Explaining to a 3 year old that he'll see Daddy on Saturday afternoon at bedtime on Tuesday can get old real fast. It just drives home your own loneliness.

3) Moving school age kids sucks. It is an adjustment that seems to take YEARS not months. Luckily, we are settled now, but it would take a lot for me to uproot these guys after the last two "new kid" adjustments we went through.

4) We have definitely got a Mom-centric household. Maybe it would be more evenly distributed if the whole system had been set up with Dad around. As it is, he's still somewhat a novelty to the kids. Mom.....well....she calls the shots. (I kind of like that most of the time , but it's a habit from not having Dad around much in their youth. )

Those are my top thoughts. I'm sure I could think up more. There isn't a perfect time, but you can try to figure out what will work best for you, given the plus/minus equation. Good luck!

[spotty_dog]

I know that residents make small potatoes, but how bad is the crunch when there aren't any loans to pay back?

Work out a budget (look at FRIEDA for salary info, or assume around $42K) and find out. We don't have loan payments, but to live on one salary with a kiddo and a bunch of very spoiled pets we will be leaning on some inheritance funds to be comfortable.

[pstone]

Kids require sacrifices, many of them, so when you are ready to make them...have kids. If not, for the love of everyone involved, don't.

I quit my career to rasie our child, because we were willing to make sacrifices, because he is joy incarnate.

[spotty_dog]

Peter, I would love to hear more about how Phoenix is doing! We haven't heard much from you recently.