Mommy burnout

[Sheherezade]

I've just ...had it. My daughter went to a birthday party tonight that turned out to be a mini Times-Square-on-New-Year's-Eve size event. There were 50 kids, an "open" soda bar and loud pulsing music. She was overwhelmed. I understand that, but was it really necessary for her to throw a massive tantrum/meltdown on the sidelines? It took me 30 minutes to stop the tears. Her friends kept asking her what was wrong and she just glared at them. I'm so tired of this. I honestly don't know what I should have done. She kept sobbing "I want to leave. I skated to a boys skate! I'm so embarassed. Take me home!" *sigh* It seemed like leaving would just be playing in to the whole drama. Spending 30 minutes calming her down was also playing in to the drama - of course - but I didn't want to leave a sobbing hysterical 7 year old with the mom/hostess. I calmed her down and then left. DH just headed back to the roller rink to wait for her. He's worried.

What do you think I should have done?

I'm so tired of this.

[mommax3]

Angie,

I don't think you could have done anything other than what you did. Is this an ongoing thing.....is she nervous in social situations because she still feels like the new kid? Is it because she skated at the wrong time, or was she nervous about going before she even got to the party?

My oldest is (well, was) capable of scenes like this. When he went to his first skating party, (also in 2nd grade!) he hadn't really skated before, and was falling a lot. Someone made fun of him, and he went and hid in the arcade part and cried. The bday girl's mom found him and encouraged him, and skated around with him a couple of times, and I was forever grateful to her for that. I felt really guilty for not anticipating what would happen. He was the new kid that year, and was desperate to "fit in". He would get all ramped up before any kind of social event, even if it was a school party, to the point where he would inevitably embarrass himself (and me, if I was anywhere around! ). It was hard for me to prepare him/ease his mind ahead of time, because we were new to the community, and I didn't know how things were "done".....I was fighting my own battles in the social arena.

I can't remember there being any kind of an easy fix, other than time passing. I would try to talk him through what to expect and let him know that other kids were probably nervous too. If it was a social situation where he was going to be in an environment in which he wasn't comfortable (like roller skating or horseback riding......two parties that I remember) I would talk to him about which friends he could hang out with that could maybe help him out if he didn't know what to do. I also reminded him that it was okay to ask questions......that he didn't have to be an expert his first time at something.

Bottom line is that he is an intense kid, and his highs are really high, and his lows seem bottomless. However, I have to say that time works wonders. He went to a Halloween dance last night, and was supposed to go in costume. We had bought him a costume for trick-or-treating a couple weeks ago (before we knew about the dance) and he was nervous about wearing it to the dance. He ended up going, wearing his convict costume, complete with plastic handcuffs, and although I could tell that he was ramped up, he held it together and as far as I know, there were no "incidents", and he won best male costume! It was a great night for him, and he has come a LONG way in dealing with these situations.

Once your daughter is home and recovered from the evening, ask her what the deal was and see if she knows what made her nervous. She may have some insights that you can use to help her avoid the same outcome next time.

I'm sorry. I know it is not pleasant when you child freaks out at that age in front of other people!

I'm sorry. I know it is not pleasant when you child freaks out at that age in front of other people!

Exactly! Especially at a party where they are supposed to be having fun.

When I read the beginning description of your party, I immediately thought of how uncomfortable my daughter would be initially. She would be trying to blend with the wallpaper. She always comes around but the first part of it seems like she must be at some dread horrible event and not a birthday party. All those kids and music would be totally overwhelming for her. No great solutions from me. But I agree with what Sally said about how you handled it and her ideas.

since we haven't crossed that bridge yet, I have no suggestions - just sympathy. you're clearly a fantastic Mom, Angie ... you really are.

Please let me know what you figure out so I can file it away for a few years from now.

[Meenah]

I'm now showing that I am the oldest Mom here, but WTH is a 7 year old doing having a party like that? By the way, I think you handeled it just fine!!!!

[rainbabies]

since we haven't crossed that bridge yet, I have no suggestions - just sympathy. you're clearly a fantastic Mom, Angie ... you really are.

Please let me know what you figure out so I can file it away for a few years from now.

ditto that angie!

[Meenah]

How did it go last night? Hope all is well now.

[Sheherezade]

Thanks guys. DH said she seemed fine when he went back. She came home happy. She told me that there were only a few girls there (like 15!!). That was true; there were 54 kids, mostly boys. This mom is a little over the top socially. She has lots of friends and groups from schools, activities and church. I think she just invited everybody and rented out the whole skating rink. DD told me that the birthday boy said he didn't now half the people. She thought that was funny. He is a sweetie and his mom is very nice....but Annie has never been to this type of event. He actually sat down and a had a soda with her in the snack bar when she was starting to calm down before I left. He's only seven and he's a total charmer. Look out, DD!

I hope I'm not encouraging the drama. She is an intense kid. Thanks sally for sharing that your son has mellowed a little with age. It gives me hope. She has extreme highs and lows. She was fine after the party, but then crawled in to bed with me this morning to revisit the whole "horror" of skating at the wrong time during the party. When I spoke with the guidance counselor about her last week, the only advice I recieved was to try to get her to focus on the positive. I'm working on that -- but I don't want her to feel that I don't care about her concerns. It's a difficult balance.

Thanks for the kind words, guys. I was considering alcoholism as my only solution. :>

And, Luanne.....I'm totally with you about the party!! No wonder my daughter tells me she's "boring".....Mom and Dad would never spring for that kind of bash.

[PrincessFiona]

I'm late chiming in, Angie...my mom has been here all weekend and I haven't gotten online!

Andrew and Amanda can be like that at social gatherings...Alex, Mr. Social, is just the opposite.

I'm with Luanne on this one...why is a 7 year old throwing a party like this? It seems to me that this really CAN be an overwhelming social situation for a shy 7 year old. Honestly, it would be an overwhelming social situation for me....but I wouldn't have my mom there to talk me down. :>

I'm glad it did end up turning out ok for her....and for you.

It seems to me that social events for children...and childhood itself have just gotten completely out of control.

Mini-hijack (that will become a full-blown thread in the call room AFTER I finish revising my MDFamily articles <yes, I am the weakest link right now> .... Amanda has developed nervous facial ticks now in social situations that are really quite freaky....and it's all about this ridiculous social crap that our children now have to deal with...

50+ guests at a 7 year old's birthday party? Um...seriously...did everyone bring a gift, too?

kris

[PrincessFiona]

T I was considering alcoholism as my only solution. :>

:>

It does sometimes seem enticing, doesn't it!


kris

If I had to spend the afternoon with 54 7-yos hopped up on sugar and skating, I might cry too.

(Seriously, I still feel your pain. I'm glad she came home happy).