Surrogacy- Q & A?

[wiva]

Sorry, not sure what to title this. I mentioned my experience with being a surrogate in another thread and it was suggested that it might be an interesting thread of its own. And my husband is away doing a 24 hour call and my son is at his grandparents', so I have a little time to fill

I was a surrogate mother four times. I was a gestational surrogate three times (meaning I wasn't related to the babies I carried), and the last time I was a traditional surrogate for my sister. I had a little boy, who is my nephew and also my birthson. As a GS, I had two boys and my only little girl. I have a son of my own as well.

I find that when the subject comes up, people are usually pretty interested. I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any! Having done it so many times, I have been asked pretty much everything, so don't worry that it's too sensitive. I'm happy to share my experiences and answer any questions!

[MrsK]

What were your pregnancies like? Did you have your son before or after you were a surrogate? Are you in contact with the children from the gestational surrogacies?

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[wiva]

What were your pregnancies like? Did you have your son before or after you were a surrogate? Are you in contact with the children from the gestational surrogacies?

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I am pretty sick my first trimester, but they get considerably better after that. Easy deliveries, thankfully!

I had my son first. Typically most agencies (and reproductive endocrinologists, I think) require that a surrogate have had a child of her own before pursuing surrogacy, both to be sure she can carry a pregnancy and because it is a difficult thing emotionally and might carry a higher risk of the surrogate changing her mind if she isn't prepared for how emotional pregnancy and childbirth can be. They usually recommend that you are done with your own family as well, though I broke that rule. I thought I was done when I started out, but it turns out I was wrong.

I do keep in touch with all of my surrogate children. My first lives in France, so I don't see him often. They visit every few years and send pictures from time to time as well. My other two GS babies are brother and sister, and I am good friends with their family now. My surrogate daughter passed away shortly before her second birthday, but I see my surrogate son when I get the chance (harder now, though, since the move for residency), and I talk to their mom regularly.

[SoonerTexan]

I'm sorry to hear about your surrogate daughter. That's heartbreaking.

I have to ask--isn't it hard to hand those babies off after birth, especially the one that was biologically your son? Or do you mentally prepare yourself in advance?

[JDAZ11]

Surrogacy- Q & A?

Yeah, I can't imagine. It's incredibly selfless and giving, but I don't think I could ever do that. I also don't think my DH would be on board at all. Is yours totally fine with it?

[WolfpackWife]

Wow - this is fascinating. I'm so sorry to hear about your surrogate daughter.

Maybe I just had trouble following, but can you expand on the different ways you have been a surrogate? Gestational versus traditional? What does that mean, exactly, and what does it mean for the categorization (for lack of a better term) of your relationship with the child? You described a difference in your surrogacy experiences but I think I got confused. Your nephew is your birthson because you are the sister of his mother?

[MrsK]

Wow - this is fascinating. I'm so sorry to hear about your surrogate daughter.

Maybe I just had trouble following, but can you expand on the different ways you have been a surrogate? Gestational versus traditional? What does that mean, exactly, and what does it mean for the categorization (for lack of a better term) of your relationship with the child? You described a difference in your surrogacy experiences but I think I got confused. Your nephew is your birthson because you are the sister of his mother?

I may be wrong but as I understood it, GS uses donor egg and donor sperm. For her nephew, she was the egg donor too so he is her birthson/biological son. Is that right?

How did you connect with the families for whom you were a GS? Do the kids know? What do you tell them?

[WolfpackWife]

I may be wrong but as I understood it, GS uses donor egg and donor sperm. For her nephew, she was the egg donor too so he is her birthson/biological son. Is that right?

?

This makes sense to me. I was having trouble following!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I believe surrogacy where you're also the egg donor is pretty rare (OP did it for family) because there was a very famous court case in the 1980s where a surrogate (who was also the egg donor/bio mom) wouldn't give up the baby. I think surrogacy where you're carrying either intended mom's egg or a donated egg is much more common.

Surrogacy is actually illegal in many countries (like most of Europe). There was just a NYTimes article on it.

wiva - I'd be interested to know about your contact with the adoptive parents as well. And also, what (if any) your restrictions were while pregnant.

[JDAZ11]

I read that article too! Very interesting.

[MAPPLEBUM]

Wow. And my question, what led you to do it the first time?

[wiva]

I'm sorry to hear about your surrogate daughter. That's heartbreaking.

I have to ask--isn't it hard to hand those babies off after birth, especially the one that was biologically your son? Or do you mentally prepare yourself in advance?

It is hard, yes. I think it's a pretty different experience for everyone and some women say it isn't difficult at all. But for me it's definitely emotional. I never felt like I regretted my decision or wanted to keep them, but it was hard to say goodbye. With my nephew it was much harder during my pregnancy, definitely. Not only because he was mine biologically, but because I knew I wouldn't have much distance between us after he was born (which was both good and bad), and because I knew at that point that I wanted another child of my own. And I had a really hard time for about 24 hours after he was born because I didn't see him much, but then once we kind of found the balance and my sister and I were able to sit and talk and cry about it all a little, I felt 100% better.

[wiva]

Yeah, I can't imagine. It's incredibly selfless and giving, but I don't think I could ever do that. I also don't think my DH would be on board at all. Is yours totally fine with it?

He is. I met him when I was pregnant with my second surrogate child, so it was just sort of always there in our relationship, if that makes sense. It wasn't something I decided and then talked to him about, it was just part of the package at that time. lol. I think if I wanted to do it again after we are done with our family, he would be supportive (though I doubt I will).

[wiva]

Wow - this is fascinating. I'm so sorry to hear about your surrogate daughter.

Maybe I just had trouble following, but can you expand on the different ways you have been a surrogate? Gestational versus traditional? What does that mean, exactly, and what does it mean for the categorization (for lack of a better term) of your relationship with the child? You described a difference in your surrogacy experiences but I think I got confused. Your nephew is your birthson because you are the sister of his mother?

MrsK is correct- I provided the egg as well. Though, technically, I wasn't a traditional surrogate. Legally speaking, traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate uses sperm from the IF (intended father). I used donor sperm, so really it was more of a planned adoption. I usually just say traditional surrogate because it seems a little nit-picky and is easier to explain.

The other three children I'm not related to. My oldest surrogate son is the child of two gay men, so he has an egg donor as well. She was a known donor, though, which was kind of neat. When we went out to do IVF we all had dinner together as sort of a weird family of strangers (well, not total strangers, but kind of close!). My second and third, the brother and sister, are full brother and sister and genetically the children of their parents.

[wiva]

How did you connect with the families for whom you were a GS? Do the kids know? What do you tell them?

I found them through an agency. There are pros and cons of agencies, and I have really mixed feelings in hindsight. They charge a lot of money for not a whole lot of work. They exist basically to match potential surrogates with IPs (intended parents). Some coordinate some of the screening, but you don't need an agency to find a surrogate and they don't necessarily provide additional security for either party, either. It makes it easier as a surrogate, though.

The kids do know. Well, or they will. My oldest surrogate son is almost 7, and he has always known that he had an egg donor and a surrogate. I've only seen him twice since he went home, the last time was last summer. His dads said he had a lot of questions about me before they came, but he was pretty shy while we were together

My other surrogate sons are 3 and 19 months, so they aren't quite old enough to grasp the concepts yet. But the plan is that they will just grow up knowing.