Preschoolers and politeness?

[PrincessFiona]

We had a truly most embarassing moment with Aidan on Thursday. He recently turned 4 and has become very outspoken over the last year. We were leaving his kung fu class and walking on the sidewalk towards the van. A nice, professional looking man was standing their having a cigarette and Aidan pointed and said (in his loudest voice) "Mom...that man is STUPID". The man's mouth dropped open and I tried to hush Aidan..."BUT MOM, he is SMOKING. He is STUPID. STUPID." more pointing

Seriously...I wished I could disappear into the sidewalk. I tried to hurry Aidan to the van and the man made it clear that he felt that my son's behavior was unacceptable. I was dumbfounded and couldn't say anything.

Once we got into the van, I tried talking to Aidan about the fact that people can choose to smoke or not smoke and that adults are free to make that choice.

He couldn't get past the "but he's stupid" thing.

:huh:

We are pretty anti-smoking here....and Amanda is like the smoking nazi. She will tell my dad off for smoking etc and feels absolutely no guilt. "I don't care if it's rude. I'm saving his life".

How should I handle this in the future? I don't want my children pointing at strangers and saying "he's stupid" :tsk: but at the same time, I do want to impress upont them that smoking is harmful for their health and that they shouldn't do it.

Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you handle it?

Kris

[poky]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

Hm. That's a tough one. Is there a way to impress upon him the distinction between thinking something and calling it out publicly, especially when a stranger is involved? "even if it's true, it's rude to say things out loud about strangers in public"? "If you want to say something about a stranger, tell me in a whisper first"? Something like that?

:huh:

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

For whatever my thoughts are worth:

--On the spot, apologize to the gentleman if he was within earshot. A quick, "I am so sorry! Kids, sometimes! Please excuse us..." I personally wouldn't make the kiddo apologize because he might freeze up and make things more agonizing, and also because he genuinely may not realize he'd done something wrong.

--When you're out of earshot, right away find a private place, get down to his eye level and say, "Smoking is not a good idea. It is a bad habit. I hope when you grow up, you do not smoke. HOWEVER, someone who smokes is not bad. They have a bad habit. That is an important difference. It is not polite for us to point out bad habits to others. It hurts their feelings. You and I have bad habits, too, even though we don't smoke. For example, Mommy [swears? drinks too much coffee? whatever]. And you [?? sometimes forget to make your bed? Yell at sibling? whatever]. You would feel really embarrassed and sad if someone mad fun of you in public for your bad habit, right? Ok, then. If you want to discuss the fact that someone is smoking, let's wait until we have some privacy and we can talk about it then."

My kid once did something similar, informing a large group of smokers at the hospital (who were standing in a smoking set-aside area outside) that there is "NO SMOKING ON THE PREMISES!!" In addition to his comment being socially rude and factually incorrect, it was very embarrassing.

In my experience, a lot of smokers have a pretty good sense of humor about little kids who chatise for smoking. Most smokers blow off what would be unwelcome condescending judgment, if it came someone older, and say something like, "Yeah, kid! You're right! I wish I'd never started! Don't you smoke!"

It could have been a lot worse: your kid could have pointed out that "She's is SO FAT, MOM! She eats too many Twinkies!" (Happened to a friend of mine. Luckily, the woman was pregnant and had a good sense of humor. But, how hurtful would that have been if she'd been obese?)

Good luck. Kids say the darnedest things...

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

Thanks. I was so baffled...Zoe was trying to run off and I was grabbing her and trying to rein him in. It seemed like it happened so fast and I didn't even have a chance to really say anything until we get to the car. The guy got so angry and then stormed off before I could even say anything.

I did say "Aidan, it is not polite to point and talk about other people like that" and the man was still within earshot....I think. :huh:

I tried to have the conversation in the car with him, but it seemed to just go over his head or something. He hears too many things that his older siblings say and is really into repeating them.

I like the idea of having him whisper them to me first. (That will take care of the loud factor maybe!!!!) and pointing out that we all have our flaws.

This kind of dovetails on something that happened 2 weeks ago. Our neighbor who is Aidan's age (4) is not potty trained and has a speech delay. The child often comes over here to play and Aidan can't understand him and doesn't like that this child has stinky diapers when he's here.

This little boy came over to play and Aidan opened the door, saw it was him, said "I don't want to play with you, you stink" and slammed the door in this poor child's face. I was mortified. Absolutely mortified. I made the mistake then of inviting the child in, taking Aidan aside and explaining that we don't talk that way, that he hurt this child's feelings and that it wasn't acceptable. I forced him to play with the little boy and he refused.

:huh:

I'm really surprised by this behavior. He is loving to Zoe, plays great with his friends from preschool, has no social issues in school....but these last 2 things really surprised me.

My mom tells me it's the age...but my other kids didn't go through this...at least not that I remember.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

HA. Well we got to the heart of the matter on this yesterday afternoon.

We got into the car to go and get the tree and Aidan started screaming that Alex was "smoking". "Mommy, Alex is smoking, Alex is smoking"...which brought out the smokers in Amanda and Andrew who turned around and exhaled large amounts of hot air into the frozen air...leaving billowing clouds of smoke. Andrew started teasing Aidan "Look, Aidan, you are smoking too". Aidan nearly started crying because he could see the smoke coming out of his mouth....and then it popped out "Grandpa Bob said smoking is STUPID. STUPID and I'm not STUPID"

I KNEW my dad had to have something to do with this..I just KNEW it.

My dad is the worst kind of reformed smoker...and he only recently stopped smoking (for the 3rd time). I called him last night and asked him about it and he confessed to having made a comment to someone that when he was out with Aidan and Zoe he had *maybe* said something along those lines to Aidan. I made him talk to Aidan and tell him that he shouldn't have said that and that it was rude to talk like that to other people. :>



Kris

mystery solved. But love that I got 60 some odd views and 2 comments. I'll keep the popcorn popped over here.

[planet]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

What is there to say? Sometimes there's a reason (like good ol' Bob) and sometimes they form an opinion from pieces. We take a context approach too, talking about being respectful of poeple's decisions even if they are poor ones, eh, but I do throw in that people should be expected to face the consequences of their own poor judgement. Maybe not so appropriate for the age?

Ds1 called his brother "stupid" in the car. I came down HARD on him and learned quickly that he picked it up from Brother Bear. He told me the scene in detail. I let him know that we don't use that word and that if he couldn't see a movie with behavior in it he knows we do not do then he won't see the movie. You can bet he assured me he would never say stupid again and could handle watching behaviors that he would not repeat. As his mom, you'd think I would notice and talk to him about things like this in advance or even in the moment. But as an adult I am often oblivious to mild cussing or bad behavior until I see it mimicked in a kid.

You have a household of ages and so my guess is LOTS of influences to keep you on your toes. Nonstop fun.

[alison]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

You should have said to the man that you're sorry, but that he's a kid *and* German, telling it like it is!

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

We got into the car to go and get the tree and Aidan started screaming that Alex was "smoking". "Mommy, Alex is smoking, Alex is smoking"...which brought out the smokers in Amanda and Andrew who turned around and exhaled large amounts of hot air into the frozen air...leaving billowing clouds of smoke. Andrew started teasing Aidan "Look, Aidan, you are smoking too". Aidan nearly started crying because he could see the smoke coming out of his mouth....and then it popped out "Grandpa Bob said smoking is STUPID. STUPID and I'm not STUPID"

Ok, this is a little funny...I could TOTALLY see my son confusing tobacco smoke and "freezing breath" (as I called it as a kid)!

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

Kris- I know your mystery is solved, but I've dealt with similar things here too...

We talk about all sorts of addictions, and how people start, etc., etc. And we do emphasize a lot how we can't just judge someone who smokes as bad, too. (Similar to what Abigail wrote.) Mostly I have to do this with Kate. I don't want her being too judgemental and it's really hard b/c a lot of kids come to school smelling of ciggies, b/c their parents smoke. It's a hard thing- the schools do push the anti-smoking agenda hard core, and that is fine to an extent, but when the kids start to "shun" the kids of the parents who smoke, it gets to be hurtful. I'm all about showing disgusting images of the lungs, and the mouth cancer, and all that. But if someone wants to smoke, and they are in a legal area to do so, that's their right and so that's what I tell my kids.

My kids have said similar things to smokers before- catching me off-guard, but I've never seen anyone stomp off. I think that guy was being a bit childish.

[Meenah]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

But Kris, he is right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL, you gotta love kids and their honesty. DH is much older than Aidan, and he always makes comments to smokers (Pulmonologist that he is!). I usually tell him to shut-up and consider the smokers his annuity.

[Rapunzel]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

But Kris, he is right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL, you gotta love kids and their honesty. DH is much older than Aidan, and he always makes comments to smokers (Pulmonologist that he is!). I usually tell him to shut-up and consider the smokers his annuity.

That's what I was thinking, Luanne! The kid is right! LOL

The way I approach this is by telling my children that it hurts people's feelings to tell those people (and/or others around) those persons' flaws. Therefore: We do not tell someone they look "funny". We do not tell someone they have "ugly" teeth. We do not tell someone they are "fat". Those are ALL comments my children have said to strangers - in public.

[Phoebe]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

My 4 yr old is in this phase right now too. She is hung up on asking people questions like why are you fat and why is your head big. I used the hurting people's feelings angle too.

[diggitydot]

Re: Preschoolers and politeness?

The way I approach this is by telling my children that it hurts people's feelings to tell those people (and/or others around) those persons' flaws. Therefore: We do not tell someone they look "funny". We do not tell someone they have "ugly" teeth. We do not tell someone they are "fat". Those are ALL comments my children have said to strangers - in public.

Same here. And yes, my kids have done most of those, too.