Tantrum/Anger Management help!

[Michele]

If something doesn't go his way, Daegan (sometimes) will throw a monster tantrum (normal right?) that includes:

throwing toys/whatever is in his hands
knocking over whatever is closest
trying to hit me, the wall, the table, anything that is within reach
trying to bite me, an object, or lately, himself (usually leaves a mark)
pulling out his own hair

I thought all of this was normal toddler behavior....but my mom and sister are concerned about the self trauma (biting and pulling out of his own hair). They also think that I should be doing more to try to teach him better anger management. My reaction consisted of WTF and he's only 20 months old and Russ still does that stuff (ok not the biting and hair pulling, but he will hit himself on rare occasion).

So am I off, or is this normal? What could I be doing to help him through his anger? Any good books on the subject?

[Michele]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

When he does this I usually either let him have it (while trying to minimize damage and minimize my reaction) or I try distracting him out of it. I figured he would just out grow it in a year or two.

Also, I've never seen him do the hair pulling....he does it at daycare and they saved the hair the other day so they could show me how much it was....it was a decent clump....about a large toddler sized handful....and they said that was about 1/2 of the hair over the course of the day.

[spotty_dog]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Daegan sounds like he might be particularly spirited. I've heard great things about Raising Your Spirited Child.

Eddy isn't quite so persistent so what works for us might not be as good for you, but some observations that seem to be helping: First, prevention. He always melts down easily if he's tired or hungry.

Second, when the tantrum is full-blown underway, assuming I had a good reason for denying whatever he's flipping about not getting, I don't give in. I stay calm and empathic and sympathetic. I practice active listening and I try to empower him to find his own way out of the maelstrom of emotions that are overwhelming him. Sometimes I even pull out a little Toddlerese.

So it might look like, "No, you can't have the blender. I know. You want the blender and you're so mad mommy took it. You WANT it!! You WANT the blender you WANT IT RIGHT NOW!" Sometimes all I can do is get as close as he'll permit me (it might be all the way across the kitchen) and just put on a sympathetic face and listen to the screams and cries and thwacking head on cabinets. Then when he's winding down, that's when I start redirecting. If he's aware of the world around him again I can suggest something else to play with, get him a snack, try to meet the need that he was expressing with the tantrum.

On the other hand, some mamas I know can't have any connection with their toddler during a meltdown, it just pisses them off more. These mamas go about their business until the screamapillar is ready to snap out of it and come back for hugs, all smiles like nothing happened.

[alison]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

I really like this post, Alison.

Michele, the hair-pulling sounds really scary. I hope he grows out of this really quickly, for everyone's sake, especially his own. Poor kiddo. And poor mama.

[Auspicious]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Sorry no tantrum/anger advice, but

the screamapillar

ha! that's what my husband calls Cora, when applicable. Because we love the Simpsons, and because normally her nickname is The Corapillar.

/hijack

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Michele,

I think that pretty much everything you describe falls somewhere on the spectrum of normal...even... probably the hair pulling, as scarey as it is. With 5 kiddos, I've pretty much seen it all when it comes to tantrums I honestly don't think even the hair pullers would phase me, though a clump of hair is on the extreme end. Still, don't let the daycare center completely flip you out on this issue. In all likelihood he's just having a tantrum and getting the response (attention) that he wants. It also might be an attempt at self-soothing or dealing with upset feelings that he doesn't know how to handle. I think it is worth thinking about how many little ones are currently in the toddler room and whether or not he would be better off somewhere else?

I do think it is worth a mention to your pedi to cover your bases. At the same time, consider that he might not be getting the attention he needs there and as a result is acting out to get attention...I say this because he isn't doing it at home. I am sort of doubting that he has some form of trichotillomania (spelling) that is only evident at the daycare. If it were some early form of this, I think there would be other symptoms and you would see it at home. Disclaimer though: I'm not a shrink.

Aidan sometimes has tantrums where he smacks himself on the forehead or says things like "I am just going to starve myself to death". Usually, he is overtired and is feeling very jealous of the attention monster, Zoe. A cuddle with him alone usually results in him calming down AND often falling asleep.

The daycare needs to not be collecting his hair to show you from now on. Clearly, they have pathologized this and are going to be looking for other problems. (My paranoid view). Maybe this particular daycare isn't a good fit?

Does he have a bald spot? Do you feel like he could be doing this for comfort...and that you might be able to help him find some better ways to cope?

I have a friend who had both of her girls in a daycare where the daycare provider told her that her oldest (5 and about to enter kindergarten) was ADHD and wouldn't be ready for Kindergarten. Everytime this mom picked her girls up she got to hear the latest installment of "your girls...."

The mom found a new inhome daycare and the provider said nothing negative..ever. The girls were happier, and a talk at one point revealed that the new daycare provider found the girls to be sweet, completely normal and a 'joy to have'. The child, btw, entered kindergarten and did very well. It's hard, but sometimes daycares aren't a good fit and you need to make a switch. Maybe an in-home provider with less children would be better for his personality?

Don't let your self-confidence and what you know about your child be undermined by the opinions of others. Obviously, if you feel concerned you should talk to his doctor...but there may be some simpler solutions.

Many hugs,

Kris

[spotty_dog]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Great post, Kris. I know mine didn't address your real concern about the self-harm, Michele, and I might have come off preachy to boot (sorry, only so much time to consider what I write!) I just wanted to offer some suggestions for helping him come through to the other side of a tantrum -- I think that's about all the "anger management" you can do in these situations!

Above all listen to your own instincts and :P to your mom, sister, or daycare trying to make an issue out of something you don't consider to be one.

[Flynn]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Alison and Kris -- I really liked both your posts.

When parenting, considering everything is necessary at first but can give Mom the :huh: emotion. Where do you start with a kid who cannot speak for himself yet in terms that describe the problem! Frustration!

Michele -- I agree that this falls in the normal category BUT helping him deal with his frustrations or anger in a healthy way is very important -- NOW. Best case scenario is he grows out of it with little to no help, worst case scenario is this is the beginning of behavior that can eventually really hurt the little guy which is probably what your mom and sister are concerned about.

I would wonder about this behavior as an attention seeking ploy too. I also feel that all things being equal (and they usually are not I realize) in home care trumps a day-care center 98% of the time. Of course this is my personal bias and not intended to offend anyone.

I'd talk to my child's doctor immediately and ask about the behavior AND any book recomendations he/she might have.

ETA -- Many hugs Michele! I'm sure this is stressful and frustrating! You'll figure out what is best -- you're smart and love the little guy unconditionally. Try not to second guess yourself. All parents have issues with different age groups!!! It's NOT you or how you parent!!!

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

The only thing I found to work for tantrums is to just not feed into them at ALL. I'd always make sure they were in a safe place (ie - if a tantrum started in the Target parking lot, they got picked up and put in the car), but then I tried my best to ignore them. If I knew the cause, I'd occasionaly throw out a "Mommy can't understand you when you're screaming", but that was about it.

I'll admit the hair pulling / self-biting did throw me at first, but then I stepped back and thought about Quinn's head-banging. Is it really that different? I'd probably give a call to the pedi just to calm myself, but I don't think it's a huge "sign".

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Screamapillar...I love it.

Great advice here, Michele. I think I would be less concerned about helping him with the "anger management" and more concerned about keeping him safe and directing him through what is likely a stage (re-directing, sympathizing or verbalizing his feelings or waiting for him to cool down a bit as Alison suggested). Being a toddler can be pretty frustrating and I think a certain amount of tantruming comes with the territory. Helping him navigate this will probably keep it just a stage. I suppose that help is assisting with the "anger management" but I'm picturing that as getting a 20 month old to say "When you .....I feel...." We haven't had hair pulling but have dealt with biting and head-banging. I think it might also be worthwhile to talk to your daycare about how they are handling it and how you would like them to deal with it.

[DCJenn]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

We still get the full-blown tantrum every once in a while and like the others said, it's 99% likely that he's tired or hungry or both. (like usually they happen at nap time when he's screaming "I'm not tired." and then falls promptly to sleep.

If Nikolai gets to a place of true hysteria- the kind that I know he isn't going to be able to bring himself back from, I'll institute a bit of hug therapy. Sounds like it goes against the grain but really, if he's that upset, he needs help to get grounded. I'll sit cross-legged on the floor and hug him to my chest. I wrap his legs around my waist and hang on for dear life. When he's full-on hysterical, he gets REALLY mad. Eventually, he calms down and just hangs on and hugs- sometimes even falling asleep. I don't let go until I know that he's truly calmed himself down.

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Jenn,

I don't think it goes against the grain at all...Aidan can be so terribly crabby when he is tired and though I will let Zoe lay on the middle of the floor in
Target if she is having a tantrum and I'll ignore it until she stops, Aidan is different. He needs to be held tight and then often he'll just burst into tears, calm down, and fall asleep. Each child is so different.

Cute little Nikolai...I can hardly imagine him having a tantrum....

[Michele]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Thanks everyone! I knew you'd know!

I do believe a lot of it is attention seeking at daycare. And I definitely get worse "reports" when he's been there longer (like if I leave him there until 5p instead of getting him at 2p right after nap). He likes my full attention at home....and the tantrums are definitely worse when he's tired!! Sometimes I can't help the fact that he's tired though, ya know??

Alison, I have to admit I was a little taken back by your post at first, but then I thought about it and realized I was being sensitive! So no worries! The Toddlerese is sorta working to snap him out before it becomes full blown! So hopefully it'll work for a while.

Kris and Flynn, I wish I could change his daycare.....I was looking into the Montessori school here and they don't take babies....so when #2 comes along, we'll be in the same position.....so we're just going to keep things the same for now. I'm still trying to convince my sitter to stay home and watch him. She works at the daycare.....but her life is changing (recently engaged, pregnant and just bought a house and moved).....but maybe that's more reason for her to stay at home? I know, though, that she'll need her own time after her baby is born.

Jenn, my current MO has just been to completely ignore him (with the obvious safety adjustments like you mentioned)...but it doesn't seem to be decreasing the frequency or intensity of the tantrums....and my family made me second guess myself.....but glad to know I'm not the only one that does that. I think it works for the more moderate tantrums....but I think I need something else for the OOC (out-of-control) ones.

Nellie, I had no idea what kind of anger management one could do with a 20 mo! All I could think of was the "When you, I feel" stuff too! I didn't know if you could teach them to redirect their anger or something. I'll stick with distraction type stuff.

DCJenn, I sometimes do the bear hug too. And sometimes I'll pull him in to nurse....I think he does like the affection/security/reassurance.

Thanks everyone. Daycare didn't say anything yest, so I'll see today. I'll keep you posted.

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

Michele, FWIW, I found that intervening when they are younger was more helpful, if they would have me. The tantrums that happen after three or so are the ones that I almost always ignore. Those seem to be more about attention seeking whereas the younger ones are born out of frustration. (I guess the tantrums at the preschool age are frustration too but I find those frustrating myself).

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: Tantrum/Anger Management help!

We still get the full-blown tantrum every once in a while and like the others said, it's 99% likely that he's tired or hungry or both. (like usually they happen at nap time when he's screaming "I'm not tired." and then falls promptly to sleep.

If Nikolai gets to a place of true hysteria- the kind that I know he isn't going to be able to bring himself back from, I'll institute a bit of hug therapy. Sounds like it goes against the grain but really, if he's that upset, he needs help to get grounded. I'll sit cross-legged on the floor and hug him to my chest. I wrap his legs around my waist and hang on for dear life. When he's full-on hysterical, he gets REALLY mad. Eventually, he calms down and just hangs on and hugs- sometimes even falling asleep. I don't let go until I know that he's truly calmed himself down.

Jenn

I think this is called the "therapeutic hold". We had to use it for Kate when she was in intense tantrum mode. We kept on using it up until she was about 6 or so-- whenever she just couldn't get a handle on it and was going to hurt someone or herself...

Strong willed kids are the best...

I guess for us it's always been a quick assessment of the tantrum. If it's not big, we step over the screming person on the floor and perhaps talk about it later. If a tantruming kid is going to bite a sibling, we send the siblings to safe ground. For a 20 month old, though, I think I physically hold them more since it's the quickest way to get them to snap out of it, and move on to fixing the underlying problem-- tired or hungry...

Hang in there Michelle. Trust YOUR instincts. You know him better than anyone.