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Activities

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  • #1

    Activities

    I can't get into the colonoscopy forum yet, but wanted to post and thought this was the next-most-appropriate spot.

    Last night we had a picnic function for the residency program, and my husband was on call. I've met a few of the others and was comfortable going by myself, but got all choked up and blubbery on the drive over there. It just felt so strange to be going somewhere like that with just Ben and I! I drove an extra minute and swallowed it as well as I could, and then we went for a little while. I debated whether we should even go, since I thought I might start crying and then I'd be SO embarrassed. When the others asked how residency was going so far, I had a tough time and just told them honestly that it sucked so far... but that I hoped we'd adjust soon and things would be easier.

    I didn't cry while at the picnic, I was so proud! Sad, I know, but I get blubbery when I'm sad.

    So my question is... how long did it take you to get to the point where going to functions like this without your hubbies got easier? I felt stupid and embarrassed and yet justified all at the same time last night while driving, I just was a bundle of emotions. I can't wait until we're at the point where it won't bother me quite that much =).
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  • #2
    Re: Activities

    I don't go to DH's work-related stuff if he's not going to be there. :huh: Heck, I barely go even if he *is* going to be there! Not that I don't like the people he works with, because they're all (mostly ) really nice. I just ... have other (read: better ) things I'd rather do with my time.

    Good for you for going, though. And don't feel embarassed, they of all people should understand if he couldn't be there!
    ~Jane

    -Wife of urology attending.
    -SAHM to three great kiddos (2 boys, 1 girl!)

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    • #3
      Re: Activities

      I've never gone to anything work-related if dh wasn't going. As far as attending activities (or continuing to live life) w/o him - I've been doing it since before we had kids, and it didn't really phase me at all. I've just never had the expectation that he'd be there, so when he's been able to join us, it's been nice.

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      • #4
        Re: Activities

        I don't know that I would head off to a work related function without DH unless it was for the spouses and kids only.

        My DH is painfully shy and I am a bit of a social butterfly - so I do a lot of things myself.
        Kris

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        • #5
          Re: Activities

          It depends on the function and 'why' my spouse wasn't available. When he was in Iraq, we were invited to functions so we went- people wanted to include us and I thought it was nice.

          However, I'm also significantly more social than he. In fact, I told his boss at the 4th of July picnic that I'd be more than happy to do my husband's presentations to the residents since he HATES doing them and I'll talk to anyone about anything!

          You just get used to it- and it's OK not to go to things, too. However, they can be good ways to get to know others in your shoes.

          J.

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          • #6
            Re: Activities

            I often have to go to non-work-related functions without DH, (weddings, funerals, graduations, etc.). I'm used to that--it's been that way for YEARS. Occasionally have to go stag to his-work functions (parties for the department mainly). It's not nearly as much fun as going with DH, but I know most of the other NSG wives (both residents' and attendings' wives), as well as most of the docs, and everyone is always so gracious and kind when I go stag. People go out of their way to make sure that I have someone to small-talk with, and the host or hostess always says something to me about how much s/he appreciates me coming even though DH was not able to make it (invariably, because he's on-call). It means something to people that you see yourself as a part of his career and are willing to make those people part of your life, too. I am never super-excited about going, but in the end, I always have fun and am glad I went. I know how much DH appreciates it: it is always good to show team spirit on your spouse's behalf.

            It takes a bit of getting used to, but as you get to know more folks, it won't be bad! Hang in there. The beginning of residency is a major transition time and for a lot of folks, it really takes some major adjustment! Perfectly natural.

            Contrast my willingness to go stag to NSG functions, though, to my refusal to do so when DH was in his PhD years of his MD-PhD. His lab mentor (the guy who ran the lab and oversaw his PhD work) was a brilliant but emotionally unstable guy with some unmedicated psychiatric issues, who made DH's life at times incredibly miserable--not deliberately, but because of his own mental health issues. I hated him for what he put DH through. (As an aside, people sometimes ask me how I put up with a NSG residency--my first thought is: please...this is much easier than his PhD years.) Anyhow, ALL THE WIVES of the PhD and postdocs felt this way. We held that guy personally accountable. At one point, we all refused to go to his stupid lab parties...with or WITHOUT our better-halves! I NEVER would have gone to something stag. I had no sense of team spirit at all. I felt I owed him nothing and didn't want to be anywhere near him.

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            • #7
              Re: Activities

              I agree with Jane - I don't expect him to be there for anything, and when he shows up, I am pleasantly surprised! We haven't had any "work" functions - since we're still in school, but I don't think I'd go w/o him - just like he wouldn't go to one of "my" events w/o me. :02:
              Jen
              Wife of a PGY-4 orthopod, momma to 2 DDs, caretaker of a retired race-dog, Hawkeye!


              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Activities

                I hate going to stuff without DH, even my *own* family functions. I go, of course, but I feel like something is missing when he isn't there. I think I would have gotten used to it by now if I was going to. I don't know if other people can tell that I am missing him, so I have probably gotten better at hiding it, but I really miss him when he isn't around.

                Sally
                Wife of an OB/Gyn, mom to three boys, middle school choir teacher.

                "I don't know when Dad will be home."

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                • #9
                  Re: Activities

                  Originally posted by mommax3
                  I hate going to stuff without DH, even my *own* family functions.
                  My family functions are the WORST without DH because no one understands why he needs to study/can't take or get the day off for "important" holidays (like my mom's birthday). When he's not there, someone usually casts a disapproving look and I get the "You make so many sacrifices for him, why can't he make any for you..."

                  Alas, this has digressed into a rant...
                  Jen
                  Wife of a PGY-4 orthopod, momma to 2 DDs, caretaker of a retired race-dog, Hawkeye!


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                  • #10
                    Re: Activities

                    You are brave. I never go to any functions from his residency without him.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Activities

                      I might have gone to stuff at the beginning of residency bc we were in a new town, I had a tiny baby and knew no one and was desperate for social interaction of any sort, but there really wasnt too much stuff to go to. I am the blubbery type too, my mom likes to say, 'she wears her emotions on her sleeve' so I know how that goes. For me, I will always cry at the drop of a hat so I just have tried to accept it even though I dont like it.
                      Mom to three wild women.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Activities

                        Wow, thanks for all of your thoughts, everyone! It sounds like a lot of you don't go to this stuff at all... I actually do enjoy it and like the other spouses- and want to get to know the ones I haven't met yet. I just don't like going without dh, and it really made me sad to go to the first big function of residency without him. It's a really family-friendly program he is in, with tons of families and lots of great people. We're also in a fairly small town comparatively speaking, which means we run into these folks here and there. I want to build up those relationships.

                        Thanks for your thoughts and input, I really appreciate it!

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                        • #13
                          Re: Activities

                          You (or someone else) can probably plan just spouse activities. I belonged to a group of spouses when my dh was in residency, and loved it (for the most part). That way you can build the relationships, find people you click with, and not go stag to something work-related for your husband.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Activities

                            Originally posted by Jane
                            You (or someone else) can probably plan just spouse activities. I belonged to a group of spouses when my dh was in residency, and loved it (for the most part). That way you can build the relationships, find people you click with, and not go stag to something work-related for your husband.
                            I'm doing something TOTALLY insane...I am hosting a "NSG spouses' get-together" at my place in mid-August. A couple of us residents' wives wanted to introduce ourselves to the two wives of the new incoming PGY-2s. We thought it'd be fun: no one did anything like that for us, and it is so hard to get to meet people at the more formal soirees hosted by the department. We're inviting all the spouses (all wives but for one husband), residents' and attendings' spouses--26 invites in all (maybe, maybe ten will come, I'm thinking--between vacations, etc.).

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                            • #15
                              Re: Activities

                              Abigail, you are a brave woman! It's SO nice of you to do that for the new spouses.

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