pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

[Flynn]

I'm going to put this here and hope it's the right place.

I'm friends with a SAHD (dad). He's fun and my kids really like his kids. It works -- most of the time.

Here's my dilema. I've "hosted" him over at our house -- MORE times than I can count on rainy days. On sunny days in the summer we usually meet at a park. I'm happy to host 99 times out of a 100. Here's the thing. I've been to his house a grand total of TWICE in two years. He never invites me over. Ever. He and his wife have been invited to our house for adult functions about 5 times. We've never been invited to their house for anything. They DO NOT ENTERTAIN on any level.

So here's where it gets tricky. We are lucky to have a circle of friends who do all share the load of entertaining. We all take turns hosting playdates, BBQs etc. It's really nice.

It's getting to the point where we don't really want to invite this family or the couple to anything...ever. They come, they eat, they don't clean up or pitch in, they say they have a great time, they leave.

I like them but they are not "forever friends." We've stopped inviting them to lots of things and they have found out about a few. It's awkward.

Has anyone dealt with this? How do you handle it?

I've thought this through and I really just think they are lazy and don't want to go through the "hassle" of having people over. I hate to sound punitive but it is getting to the point where we feel used. I am not going to be the "go to" girl on a rainy day so SAHD has an activity. I don't care how well our kids get along. I HAVE A NEW INFANT for goodness sakes.... The dad jokes with me and says "he's not on my A list anymore." I blow it off but I really want to tell him if you want invitations YOU NEED TO BE THE HOST ONCE IN A WHILE.

On a side note I had to change a playdate we had with them recently (the only one I've done in two years) and the dad got snippy with me. I think he's having issues with being a SAHD and I don't want to go there.

Help.

[DCJenn]

Re: pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

I think you've hit the nail on the head- they're not living up to their inferred responsibilities.

I think your choices are to either lay it out- "we are tired of hosting and think it's your turn to pitch in" (because they really may not 'get it' that this is the way that grown-ups play) or you just ignore it and continue to not include them in functions.

As uncomfortable as answer A may be, if it were me and people were blowing me off, I'd want to know why.

Maybe they think that they need to have a picture perfect house or something. People are wierd about hosting sometimes. We have a neighbor who flat our says that he won't host the First Thursday functions on the street because he's embarrassed about his house. Like WHO on a street of houses that were all built 100 years ago doesn't have a house under construction!

Jenn

Re: pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

(because they really may not 'get it' that this is the way that grown-ups play)

Maybe you could include them for the next function and assign them jobs, like...
Flynn - "While I'm making cocktails, (Mr. Lazy) would you please help out by setting up some chairs/bringing out ice/putting away condiments?"

You might just have to direct them all night, IF their friendship is something you want to keep - or the awkwardness of moving them to the b list is something you want to avoid.

On the other hand, you could just tell them what they're doing wrong. If you do that, come back and tell us how it went.

[HouseofWool]

Re: pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

On the other hand, my DH is terribly shy and hates having people over. So we don't. Now, I will offer to help the host when we go someplace (and am usually told that everything is under control) but we don't host events. Ever. DS's b-day party is the extent of it.

[spotty_dog]

Re: pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

I've been in the MOMS club and going to playgroups and playdates at other people's houses for a year and have never had anyone over to my house. They have huge immaculate homes with designer touches; they are experienced entertainers who are ready to host at the drop of a hat. I have a cramped rental with stained couches, three cats and a still-not-quite-housebroken dog. I'm frankly ashamed to have anyone over. I'm trying to get over it, and might be having the group here when it's my turn to host next month, but yeah. I vote for being direct. If anyone told me they were offended that I haven't had them over I'd make the move to correct that slight, posthaste. Until then I'm going on the assumption that it's not a huge imposition, in fact it's slightly easier for them to stay home for playdates rather than driving to my place. :huh:

[Flynn]

Re: pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

I agree I should be direct. Thanks for the comments guys.

He's going to give me crap about rescheduling our playdate and that might be the perfect opportunity to comment. -- I did it to make one of DD's friends who is having surgery happy. The little girl missed the last playdate I hosted and was very upset so I promised her I would have one she could attend before her surgery. I was not really up to hosting post C section so last week I took the plunge.

The only day she and her mom could come was the day I had plans with SAHD. Of COURSE I apologized, told him the scoop and included him and his kids in the playdate. He was still miffed, said he wasn't sure he could come and would call me the day of -- he did NOT call and I haven't heard from him since. He'll jokingly say I dropped him for my A- listers which is NOT true -- however the little girl's mom has been very generous to me and my family so I wanted to honor my promise to her daughter who is a good kid.

I think I'll just take a page from Lily or DCJenn's book and just be sarcastically direct and zing him about never hosting us.

Just to be clear money is not an issue with this family, their house is plenty big enough and they are more than happy to accept anyone's invitation to dinner at the drop of a hat. When we lived in an 1800 square foot home in the NW, I hosted on a limited basis as well. I get this.

I think they have some social issues with hosting and they don't like their house for some reason PLUS planning ahead more than a week is not their strength. :huh:

It's not eating me up or anything but I am wondering how this will all hash out.

[rainbabies]

Re: pre-school aged playdates. adult functions, and family bbqs

I have a cramped rental with stained couches, three cats and a still-not-quite-housebroken dog. I'm frankly ashamed to have anyone over.

similar as to why i have never had anyone over. i tried joining a mom's club two times. i just couldn't commit to having people and kiddos over.

let me put my two shedding, overly friendly cats somewhere...my VERY overly friendly smiling(but looks vicious) shedding golden somewhere...and of course, lucy. when she is excited, barks, moans, talks, and pees little puddles when excited. and yes, please do sit down on my dilapitated (sp?) sofa, squeeking recliner, and bathroom that the babes use...that i bleach EVERY night, but still smells like pee.

i'm soooo not into hosting mommy and me playdates. :huh:

obviously, i have joined this discussion late....sounds like you have figured out what to do, flynn. good luck!!!