How do you make time for each child?

[migirl]

DS#1 just turned 3yo, and DS#2 will be 1yo next month. I'm finding it hard to spend one-on-one time with each of them, I feel like I'm just half paying attention to each at any given time and can never really focus on one or both of them at the same time. (Does that even make sense? ) DS#1 plays well on his own and DS#2 is a bit more, uh, high-maintenance ... so I find that by default DS#1 does things on his own (puzzles, books, trucks, trains) while I deal with the baby. There are lots of activities that I wish I could do with DS#1 (crafty-type things come to mind) but can't because DS#2 is demanding my attention or wanting to get into and eat the materials we have out or whatever the issue. They're more or less on the same nap schedule, so I can't use one's nap time to spend time with the other.

I feel badly that I can't give each of them more individualized attention, do I just have to wait until DS#2 is older to do that? Is it just this age/stage? Is this something that needs to wait until DH is home so we can "divide and conquer"?

[JaneDoe]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

You make perfect sense. I struggle with this as well. If it's any consolation, it gets easier to have one-on-one time with your children as they get a little older. Around the time that your youngest plays more by himself and doesn't roam places aimlessly (18 mo. or so), I think you'll find that you will have more individual time with your kids. Bonus: around the same time, your kids will play more together too. Yeah!

I'm not very crafty. So, my one-on-one time with my oldest tends center around things like going to the grocery store together, cooking, doing stuff around the house or playing games together. Obviously, you have to enlist your Dh's help to watch the youngest so you can do something with your oldest.

I'm sure others have better suggestions. I'm curious to see how other handle this issue too.

[houseelf]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

I have kind of a different scenario because we have a larger age gap, but I try to read to them individually before bed several nights a week. It would be A LOT easier to do things in one fell swoop, but I like the cuddling and individual conversations that occur one on one. Also, sometimes I just take one of them on errands instead of both of them. Sometimes I feel like one-on-one time has to be a big event, but it turns out, it does not. Grocery shopping with only one will provide a couple of moments of intimate conversations.

That's all I have. I'm sure that I'll be asking this question when two turns to three, however.

Kelly

Re: How do you make time for each child?

We've been struggling with the same issue, except DS is the one who demands my attention most of the time and the baby is the laid back one.

Here are a few things that we do. When DH is home, I'll take DS out to run errands with me which he loves. Or I'll play with him outside while DH spends time inside with DD. DD still takes three naps a day, and while I would love to get some housework done during that time, I usually try to spend it with DS instead and save the cleaning for after the kids are in bed.

The few hours a week that DS is in preschool is when I can get some one on one time with the baby. Or DH will take DS golfing or to the park while I get some quiet time in with DD. Is there a Mother's Day Out program in your area where you can enroll DS #1? I was a little reluctant to enroll DS in preschool, but it gives us a much needed break from each other.

I do feel like I'm always telling DS, "When the baby is asleep, we can do x, y or z...." and I cringe every time I hear myself say that so I'm trying to get better at doing "big kid" things with DS while still incorporating DD.

[BonBon]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

I don't know, we're still trying to figure this out.

Right now my eldest is calling out to me (and has been for 5 min) "Mommy watch me whatever" over and over. The other 3 are finally in bed, and I really don't want to go watch. I'm freaking tired.

I agree with carving out time with stuff like grocery store trips. I always rotate who I bring on errands so everyone gets a turn. Took the older two to the movies this afternoon to have some semi-alone time with mom. It's hard!

[Flynn]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

DD and DS #1 are 24 months apart. I think the first 14 months or so of DS #1s life was a BLUR.


DD gave up her nap early, so when DS was sleeping, I had some alone time with her.
Additionally, when DD was 3, she did pre-school once a week for 2.5 hours and that gave me some alone time with baby boy. I did the zoo a lot during DS's nap time so he slept in the stroller and DD and I talked and looked at the animals. I loved the aquarium and the zoo for these reasons. We went there A LOT!

Things slowed down considerably when DS was 18 months. By 20 months they played together a lot and by the time DS was 2.5 years, that basically did the same things. I only had to plan one activity rather than two.

Hang in there. It's not you, it's the phase.

[Deebs]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

I'm in the exact same boat, with DD having just turned 3 and being a little lower maintenance, and DS having just turned 1 and into everything since the moment he was born. First of all, I now shameless admit that I have DD in preschool 2 days a week. She has a great time (plus, they helped with potty training!), and I have alone time with DS, so I don't feel guilty that I"m neglecting him. I also run any errands that would be impossible to do with 2 kids in tow.

I have recently started taking my friends up on offers to watch the kids, but I don't have them watch both at one time. First of all, I would feel I was imposing (2 is a lot more to add to a family that has their own kids vs 1) and rush back, but also, I find that people who are past the baby stage are thrilled to take in a 1 year old for a bit. This is when DD and I escape to the library, back home to do a project, etc. I have also become really organized with craft stuff. I have a big bin of random craft stuff that I can whip out if DS has taken a spontaneous nap, and DD wants to do a craft, which she typically loves. To her, anything that involves glue or glitter is a project, so I don't have to be all that clever about it (another bonus of preschool - some of the numerous projects that are really just paint and glitter can disappear without hurting her feelings. I toss them while she's out of the house).

Other than that, I find that it is getting easier as they get older. I have friends with kids with the same age split, but are older than my kids, and they give me so much reassurance that it will continue to get easier as DS gets more independent. It makes me feel better to know that I"m not alone!

[migirl]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

Hang in there. It's not you, it's the phase.

I find that it is getting easier as they get older. I have friends with kids with the same age split, but are older than my kids, and they give me so much reassurance that it will continue to get easier as DS gets more independent. It makes me feel better to know that I"m not alone!

Flynn and Deb - Thank you for this. It helps immensely to know that it's not that I'm doing a half-assed job (at this issue, anyway :P ) but that it's the stage that we're in right now.

I guess I feel a little guilty that I'm not able to focus as much attention on DS#1 right now since his younger brother is so demanding. For some reason, I don't feel as strong an urge to have the individual time with DS#2. Maybe because his main interests still include chewing and drooling? :huh:

I'm hopeful that this will get easier as DS#2 gets older and demands less of my time and attention.

[Flynn]

Re: How do you make time for each child?

Hang in there. It's not you, it's the phase.

I find that it is getting easier as they get older. I have friends with kids with the same age split, but are older than my kids, and they give me so much reassurance that it will continue to get easier as DS gets more independent. It makes me feel better to know that I"m not alone!

Flynn and Deb - Thank you for this. It helps immensely to know that it's not that I'm doing a half-assed job (at this issue, anyway :P ) but that it's the stage that we're in right now.

I guess I feel a little guilty that I'm not able to focus as much attention on DS#1 right now since his younger brother is so demanding. For some reason, I don't feel as strong an urge to have the individual time with DS#2. Maybe because his main interests still include chewing and drooling? :huh:

I'm hopeful that this will get easier as DS#2 gets older and demands less of my time and attention.

No problem. My mom told me something that really helped when I was trying to "be there" for both kids. She said that my daughter (the oldest) really needed to be able to entertain herself for a while now. She was old enough and h letting her figure it out was a skill I was teaching her.

When she gave up her nap I gave her a timer. She spent 35 minutes in her room with books, puzzles, and a story reader. I eventually stretched it to an hour. She actually looked forward to her alone time, then when it was over, we had a snack and did a puzzle together. That became our routine. Yes DS #1 through a wrench into things at times but we were almost always able to have some time alone together.

Keep at it and cut yourself some slack when needed.
I'm sure you're doing a great job -- it just feels like you're barely treading water.