Husbands and waking up at night with baby

[JC76]

Hi ladies. On a lunch break and thought I'd post a question that's been swirling in my mind a bit. As you may already know from random other posts of mine, I'm married to a 3rd year EM resident and we're expecting our first in early October. My husband is definitely psyched about having a baby, but is also having a lot of anxiety over how he is going to manage juggling a pretty regularly 75-80/hr a week work schedule with a newborn.

Long before we decided to even start trying to get pregnant it was agreed that I would be the primary caregiver. He was pretty frank with me about the fact that he preferred to wait till he was done with residency (which would have made me 35 or so), but I was willing to accept the fact that I'd be doing in "single mom style" for a couple years if it meant we were able to get started now. So he gave in.

After all that - my question for you moms out there - what actually happened after the baby was born? Did you find yourself doing all of the night duty yourself? Did you do everything you could to help preserve your spouse's sleep so he could be rested for work or did he suck it up and give you a break every now and then, despite his incredibly demanding schedule?

During med school and now residency we've definitely fallen into a major pattern where I bear the entire burden of keeping our life together. I hear rumors that there are these amazing resident-husbands out there that also manage to come home and occasionally help clean or put dishes away or pay bills... I just have never seen one in the wild myself. I've resigned myself to the fact that baby care will be exactly the same way - but suppose I am curious to know what experience the rest of you have had?

He honestly has all the makings of a great dad, but every person has his limits and I guess I don't know how much I should expect from him.

[samssugarmomma]

My DH doesn't need a lot of sleep to function - if he gets 4 or 5 hours he is good to go. I'm the opposite, I need 8 hours every night or I'm a zombie!

So......once our DD was born, he did a lot of the nighttime parenting. I breastfed, so I got up to feed her, but if I couldn't get her to settle down (which was often!), then he took over.

So, I guess it depends on how much sleep your DH requires. However, I don't think that having a demanding career is a free pass on getting out of parenting duties at night or at any other time of day. Being a mom - either a SAHM or a working mom is a demanding "job" too!!

[MrsK]

I'm not sure what DrK will do once the baby arrives, but for the time being, he's been pretty good about helping out when he's home. Last night, the dog woke me up at I-don't-know-what-time. I looked at her, rolled over, and gave DrK a poke without even thinking. He got up with her (and made enough noise that I was fully awoken anyway). I don't even know why I asked him to handle it -- perhaps it's just because he's more alert than I am that time of night -- but he was a very good sport about it.

I am a little concerned about what we are going to do when he is on night float next year. Depending on how old the baby is and whether the baby sleeps well, we may have to hire someone or ask family to visit.

[spotty_dog]

My husband, also in EM, really really needs his sleep. So we co-slept with the babies (so they didn't work up a big cry and I didn't tromp around the house, I just rolled over and nursed and everyone went back to sleep.) I did pretty much all the nighttime parenting. And on those bad nights, he retired to the guest room with the noise machine on.

The toughest part of parenting with a resident has been having a toddler in the house when the resident is sleeping during the day. Especially when the weather isn't conducive to spending time outside, or it's naptime so whininess and need to be near the bedroom coincide, and when the layout of the house sends all the acoustics straight to the bedrooms.

Making hubby's sleep a priority is what worked for our family to make sure everyone was healthy and happy when we could spend time together. You'll find a balance that works for you though.

[DCJenn]

Now that we're out of training, my husband is able to absorb 'more' of the responsibilities but even now it's not even close to a 50/50 deal. I'd say it's closer to a 15/85 division of kid responsibilities but that's probably because I'm feeling generous today.

He leaves before pre-school starts and gets home after pick-up. He can't take 'a day' to help with appointments, etc. so even though he has an office at the peds clinic, all doctor appointments fall on me. He still goes in on weekends, especially when he's on-call.

We adopted our son so he was older and therefore didn't need night feedings. We've always put him to bed at 8pm. We usually gave him his last bottle at 11 or midnight and he slept until 8am. (we had malnourishment problems and had to get him fattened up!) If there was a night-time issue during training, I typically dealt with it. Now my husband is usually the first one out of bed if there's a situation that needs a parent.

I think you're wise to accept that you'll be doing 'a lot' of the parenting but don't give your husband a free pass, either. Chances are he'll want to spend lots of time with the baby, too. Don't fall for the infamous "I'm soooo busy/I need to study/I have to do XYZ" thing- you WILL need a break, too.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

My husband did not get up at night with Adele. I was breastfeeding and Adele was always a good sleeper. Now we're having #2 in November and DH will be on research so he knows and we've agreed that if Adele wakes up when #2 wakes up he will have to get up with her.

But yes, the majority of our household stuff and raising the children falls to me. He does a lot when he's around which has been more since he's on research but when he's on call or he's on service I don't expect to much of him it just doesn't work to be mad at him when I know he can't do both.

[migirl]

With both of our kiddos I've been the one on night-time duty. We have (I guess) a somewhat unique sleeping arrangement in the first few months after baby is born, I co-sleep with the newborn in the guest room while DH sleeps (by himself) in our bedroom. I breastfed both kids, so I preferred co-sleeping (makes nighttime feeds much easier for us!) but I'm just not comfortable with having DH in bed with little itty bitty babies. Plus, he needs to have a decent amount of sleep to function at work and I do okay with less sleep.

[Urowife]

I do all the nighttime parenting (I breastfeed, so DH can't really help). One Saturday night he was not on call, he tried to help, but it ended up being more work b/c DD wouldn't settle for him. I stay at home too, so I handle daytimes too. DH will try to pitch in during evenings, but if she gets fussy, it's back to me for nursing.

That said, DH has been great about picking up the slack in other areas, such as cooking, grocery shopping, etc. And he hired a cleaning lady so neither of us would have to worry about vacuuming or cleaning the bathrooms. It's still very tough especially when he is on call or works late. It's actually been a lot harder than I had pictured; I think mostly because I underestimated how hard it would be to care for a newborn. DD is somewhat high needs & very sensitive, which makes it more challenging.

Depending on the baby's personality, you may need more help from your DH. It may not be at nighttime, but help in other areas, so that you aren't shouldering all household duties when you have a baby who fights naps and is cranky much of the time (like mine!)

[HouseofWool]

When DD was born in January she was a complete night owl. Being that I am nursing, I did the night time duties. That said, I would go to bed as early as possible. We would get the 6 year old to bed around 8 and then I would go to be after the next feeding. Then DH, who is also an night owl, would deal with the baby until she fell asleep. This bought me a few hours of sleep. If he was feeling particularly generous, he would feed her a bottle of formula.

Now that he is in residency - it is pretty much all me. I go to a knitting group once a week sans baby and he handles all that is required with both kids.

Most evenings that he is home, DH does DS's shower.

[JC76]

It really helps to know that others have been in the same boat. Makes me feel less sorry for myself.

We've also contemplated the possibility of an alternative sleeping arrangement for awhile, if that's what it takes, with either him or me in the guest room. I realize I should "never say never," but I just don't see my husband EVER going along with co-sleeping. I don't think it's something I want either. But I can very much see the appeal when your breastfeeding.

For better or worse, being married to an ER doc I've already become pretty accustomed to very irregular sleep habits in our house. Can't imagine what it's going to be like with a noisy toddler though when he's sleeping off a night shift.

[madeintaiwan]

Lucky for DH, he sleeps through EVERYTHING. I nursed and co-slept (still partially co-sleeping with one) with all three of our kids. DH consistently goes to work (and he better be working his butt off), takes care of the yard, the trash, baseball practice, and the bicycle riding/teaching of the kids. Everything else is so unpredictable and sporadic that I can't in good nature give him ANY credit for it. When he can, he changes diapers, feeds and baths the kids, makes some meals, and cleans up rooms that have been given fresh new looks with vomit and poop. That said, I consider myself a single parent. I don't try to pretend otherwise. I accept it, own it, and try my best at it so that we can live our lives as healthy and happily as possible.

[SuzySunshine]

I'm not comfortable co-sleeping so we bought a very comfortable rocker/recliner for the nursery instead of a glider. Adele and I spent a few nights in that when she was going through growth spurts etc - my husband is a VERY heavy sleeper so co-sleeping was never an option for us, it just freaked me out to much. If you're not comfortable co-sleeping there are other options.

[ides]

All baby care and everything else falls on my shoulders. When dh he gets time off during vaction periods he does help around the place but there seems to be a never ending list of demands due to residency during non-vacation times (exams, studying, presentations, apps for fellowship, etc.). I want him to help more and was really angry for a while after Oscar came because it was just too much for me. I felt it was unfair to be shouldering so much of the work without any help. However I've come to accept it. He only has so much time and physcially can't do both. Not that happy with it, but I just have to deal with at this time.

Oscar sleeps on a mattress next to our bed (that's on the floor too). Though we've pretty much co-slept from the beginning (which was really out of neccessity) I want Oscar to sleep on his own. Ths arrangement make breastfeeding & tending to him during the night much easier. Dh sleeps though everything. So even if I wanted him to do night call with the baby he most likely wouldn't even wake up.

I did/do all the nighttime parenting and all the household stuff. I am fine with that though, as long as I get to stay home.
My DH is a really light sleeper and he really needs his sleep. I even let him sleep in on his days off! He gets pretty stressed about going in to face the craziness in the ER if he is not well rested.
We are co-sleepers and DH slept in the guestroom for many months. Once the nightwakings reduced down to about 2 he moved back in with us!

[JC76]

Seriously, you guys have no idea how much better all of your posts are making me feel about things. Ironic, since you're really just confirming all of my fears. What can I say, misery loves company. I guess I often find myself wondering if I'm being too much of a martyr and not holding him to the fire enough. But reading what you wrote is making me realize that this is really completely normal and not unique to our relationship at all - for better or worse.

I also know (am hopeful?) that things with my husband will change once he's done with training. That's been my mantra for a loooooooonnngg time now. I grew up in the sort of house where both my parents worked full time, yet I still watched my dad come home every day, drink a glass of wine and read the paper/watch TV... while my mom started her "second shift," doing dinner, cleaning, the laundry, bills, etc. I always swore I would NEVER find myself in that kind of relationship. And here I am.

Anyhow - THANK YOU for the all the feedback/advice.