When is a "good" time for baby #2?

[Finding Equanimity]

I know there's never a good time, but for those BTDT moms, what are your thoughts on a good time to start trying for baby 2?

A bit of background on my situation: DH is a PGY-2 surgery resident and we had our first baby 7 months ago. She's got a very easy going temperament so we've been incredibly lucky. She's also (knock on wood) very healthy so honestly parenting has been amazing and very stress-less.

That's not to say things are always easy. I am responsible for her 90% of time. I work full time and I take her to day care and pick her up at night. As a surgery resident DH is never around. But I'm managing OK.

Our daughter has been so easy (and such a joy) that DH is excited to start for #2. I'm NOT. But I do want more kids. It's so easy for him to think this is a piece of cake because he doesn't have to do everything! And I'm not sure I can manage with 2 kids-- I do have a full time job and we need the money. I make more than him at the moment.

Any suggestions or advice, wise ladies?

[Meenah]

Have him take over her care for two weeks. Yes, that includes every day for two weeks and he has to arrange for help (not from you) if he can't be there to pick her up. He must also care for her at home too!!!! I realize this probably won't be doable or safe for your daughter, but just the threat of it might make him really think about how much you do.

[Sheherezade]

Not sure I'd have had the balls for that, Luanne. It always sounds like a good idea....but I think my kid might have ended up like one of those "left in car all day" babies on the news.

Since you are already a single parent (with economic and emotional support and in no need of IVF ), I'd approach this by thinking about when I'd like to have a second child. I wouldn't think too much about his situation. It won't change. Provided he is on board to have a second at any time, I think the planning "when" falls mainly to you. I clustered mine a few years apart. That worked well for me. Right after the second was born, my husband was on an away rotation for a few months. I missed him but I don't think it put a glitch in our new baby routine.
I think having two babies in diapers (under two) can be draining. Having them close together (2ish years apart) has worked well in this house.

Things for you to consider:

Daycare costs for two
Managing bedtime/overnight care for two
Whether your DH would rather you wait until he CAN participate more (ie after training)
Your own fertility now and in the future

Obviously, this is something only the two of you can answer -- and there is no right answer.

[Flynn]

Great advice so far!!

A few nuggest from Moi:

When I had a two year old and an infant with husband training in a surgical speciality -- it was the hardest year of my life thus far.

I would NEVER have been "ready" for #2. I was too tired to be anything other than "too tired." That being said, our second child is a JOY. He radiates happiness, love and would give you his last fruit snack. Our first two are 24 months apart almost to the day and they are BUDs.

Ignore your DH about having another but definitely tell him how you feel. This profession encourages "reality" at work and in the best case scenario, clueless behavior at home.

Waiting for the sake of waiting to have another could backfire. I know countless people (6 couples at first glance) who are now trying (after waiting) and they can't seem to conceive this time. None of them are over 35. Their idea of having a three year spacing is now going to be at least 4.5 - 7 years. That's NOT a bad thing necessarily -- just a fact.


Good luck trying to figure out what's best for your family! My third child was born post training and while he wasn't planned, it is so nice to co-parent!!! Sending you hugs on those long evenings when Mommy has to be Mommy AND Daddy.

[Phoebe]

You have gotten good advice so far. I can't give testimony for parenting during a surgical residency. Our kids are spaced 2 and 3 years apart.

We wanted to clone our third daughter because she was so easy-going. I would warrant that no two children will have the same temprament. Also, those babies grow up. Each stage brings on different peaks and valleys. If you are taking on more of the responsibility, wait until you are ready.

[alison]

Luann gives your dh two weeks with your kid. I'd say, give him one day with mine, and that'd give him an idea of what it's like with a challenging baby.

Sometimes when dd and I are out and about, I can't believe that some parents can just leave their babies in the stroller and they're content just sitting there chillin. My baby does not chill.

I think you have gotten good advice thus far.

I notice you said your baby is 7 months old. Do you think a small part of it is that you miss the small baby stage? I know that I do!

Good luck in making a decision!!!

[alison]

Luanne, I mean. Without an "e" is how the iPhone wants it.

[DCJenn]

This is one of those decisions that mostly fall on the person who has to do the most work to make it happen.

YOU.

If you don't think you can handle another child right now, then that's your decision. The doctor can have more of a say when he has the time to participate in the child care.

Jenn

[GrayMatterWife]

This is one of those decisions that mostly fall on the person who has to do the most work to make it happen.

YOU.

If you don't think you can handle another child right now, then that's your decision. The doctor can have more of a say when he has the time to participate in the child care.

Jenn

This. IMHO, dead-on.

[Auspicious]

This is one of those decisions that mostly fall on the person who has to do the most work to make it happen.

YOU.

If you don't think you can handle another child right now, then that's your decision. The doctor can have more of a say when he has the time to participate in the child care.

Jenn

I third this.

[MarissaNicole]

This is one of those decisions that mostly fall on the person who has to do the most work to make it happen.

YOU.

If you don't think you can handle another child right now, then that's your decision. The doctor can have more of a say when he has the time to participate in the child care.

Jenn

This is EXACTLY why we don't have kids yet. DH is ready... I am not, and since I will be the primary caretaker and breadwinner like you, we are waiting until I am ready. If we don't wait until I am ready, I know I will be resentful/bitter.

[SoonerTexan]

Slight thread hijack that is somewhat related...

My mom had the first four of us all 18 months apart--so 4 kiddos under 8 years old. Yet she said it really got easier after the second one, and even easier with #3 and #4 because we entertained each other and helped out (though minimally), so there wasn't nearly as much extra work from child #1--> #2 or #3 as there was from 0 kids-->child #1

She did say it was a lot harder in the teenage years (especially as she had a kid coming up for a permit or license every year for awhile).

Do those of you with closely spaced kids tend to agree or disagree?

[Flynn]

Commenting on the last post.....from SoonerTexan...


I think going from one to two was EXTREMELY difficult. Having a two year old and an infant was H A R D. They don't play with eachother until baby is at least 6 months and then it's SHORT. Granted we had our second when DH was knee deep in a surgical training program before the 80 hour rule....

Going from two to three for us was easier BUT: DD was in school, DS#1 had pre-school for a couple of hours three days a week, we were done with training, I was an experienced parent, DH was HOME at dinner time and helped out, we could afford someone to clean the house.


Kids that are close together might play together more -- but you can't count on it. I have many friends who have kids the same spacing as our first two and they fight like cats and dogs -- ALL THE TIME.

I LOVE being a parent and a mom. LOVE IT.

It's every bit as hard as residency though and it never ends. My job is 24/7 -- 7 days a week.

[Sheherezade]

For me, the transition to two was easy. I had them 2 year apart and my first stopped nursing when I was pregnant with the second. He was out of diapers when the second was a year old. Honestly, I don't remember that time a so bad --- but I liked the toddler/baby phase.

During their early childhood, they were good friends. As my first approached tween-teen mode, things started to get more difficult. He didn't want to play kid games with her and she was rejects. Fighting ensued. That lasted for a few years. I don't enjoy the activities driver/homework manager/cook/laundress/chaperone phase of motherhood much so this era was much more difficult for me.

Now, with both of them in tween and teen mode, I'm considering alcoholism as a viable coping mechanism. They are both moody and have many more demands placed on them by school and friendships. I'm supposed to be some type of stabilizing force. Fools!

In short, I agree with your mom, Sooner - although, having them both at the same life phase gets it over with more quickly and allows you to be in a single "mommy mode". Doubles the fun, though.

Yikes. My first 2 are 17.5 months apart, and I wouldn't have done that intentionally a 2nd or 3rd time. FWIW, I think even the leap from 1.5 years to 2 years is HUGE in the development of a toddler and their needs, and my boys were slow to potty train, so I had 2 in diapers for much longer than I care to remember.

There's all of the logistical difficulty (I'm thinking about Julie's recent post about parking lots / toddlers & newborns), as well as the opportunity to enjoy (for me) your kid's babyhood. I LOVE the newborn stage -- and I can barely remember any of Quinn's b/c I spent a lot of time just treading water.

In the end this just goes to show that it's all an intensely personal decision. You have to know (or make an educated guess!) what is right for your family, your parenting situation, and your personality.