Another challenge...

[alison]

I took dd to Starbucks today, and we sat outside on a bench to cuddle and play together in the sun.
I soon realized that she wanted to drink out of my cup, and I let her, like we've done in the past. Only today, when I took my cup back to drink from, she screamed and cried until I gave it back to her! I gave her her Sophie giraffe to play with instead, but nope, she wanted the Starbucks cup, and wouldn't stop crying until I let her have it...

I tried to give dd her binky in the stroller on the way home, but accidentally dropped it on the cement as I was giving it to her. She cried again, and wouldn't stop. I stood there wiping in clean with a binky wipe while she was having a meltdown.

Eeeps. How do I teach her that things don't happen right away and surely don't happen in accordance with whatever she wants....?

It's a slow process, which means lots of crying, but the short answer is that you CAN NOT give in when she cries like that. Don't hurry yourself up, don't try to distract then cave -- it will only teach her that the longer she wails, she will eventually get what she wants. I have even been known to withhold what I was about to do b/c the kiddo started screaming for it. They cannot win that fight, or you will have lost the battle.

[HouseofWool]

As much as it sucks, Jenn is right. Sophie is soooo demanding right now. Complete with stomping her feet (at 13 months - god help me!) if she doesn't get what she wants.

[SoonerTexan]

At any rate, sounds like you have a definite future Starbucks addict on your hands

[Finding Equanimity]

Um, scary. We're living exactly the same life here. I went to a local coffee store this weekend and got a smoothie. Gave her a taste and she went ballistic when I took it away from her. I was just getting a freaking spoon because the straw was too tough for her to handle. My husband was NOT pleased with her screaming like a spoiled kid. The thing is, we don't spoil her. But she definitely was throwing a fit. I read that 8 months is too young to start disciplining. I'm not talking spanking-- I was just going to take the smoothie away because of her throwing a fit. What do you all think?

(Unfortunately, I gave in and spoon fed her. But I was upset about the whole thing for a while afterwards. I do not want a fit-throwing, screaming kid.)

[MrsK]

They are screaming because they are frustrated and they don't know how else to communicate. In college, I worked on a study regarding temper tantrums. They tend to taper off as the kids grow older and learn how to communicate. Teaching communication skills early helps. For instance, some people teach their pre-verbal children a little bit of sign language. Also, acknowledging the child's feelings and providing them with words helps too -- for instance "It's frustrating when you have to wait." Eventually, they will catch on and your two year old will be able to tell you how she is feeling.

[Urowife]

Right there with ya... DD (who turns one tomorrow!!) has been throwing mini tantrums since about 6 or 7 months. I just try to put away highly sought after things, like the laptop and portable phone. Otherwise she gets a glimpse and wants it NOW! I just try to stay one step ahead and decide ahead of time if I'm ok with her having what it is she is crying for. If I don't want her to have it, I find something intriguing to distract her with. It's tough and I'm dreading the real tantrums as I'm able to calm/distract her fairly easily right now. I'm sure that won't last!

[JC76]

What is it with laptops? My laptop is Zoe's latest fascination. That and our remote controls. And both are definitely going to have to become "off limits" soon. My husband thinks we should buy her a toy laptop and toy remote control so we can hand her "hers" when she wants to bang on ours.

Yep, Shakti is right. It is a long, ongoing process. I hate to say it, but most kids turn the tantrums up a notch as they get older and become more independent. Even when kids CAN talk, it is still hard for them to articulate their feelings. They aren't spoiled (in most cases); they are just kids who are learning how to interact with the people around them. Heck, a lot of adults still have temper tantrums.

[alison]

My first reaction was to laugh at her, and then I gave in, because I'm a sucker, and somehow thought I was teaching her cause and effect. Scream, and you shall receive. There were people sitting there not laughing and saying "haha, that's so cute" like I was, so obviously I shouldn't have given in so easily. But I don't want her screaming in public, just because it's a moment to teach her... I mean, should other people sitting there have to listen to her throw a tantrum?

[houseelf]

Not to scare you, but my FIVE year old will occasionally still pull out all the stops and throw a tantrum. As much as it sucks to hear them cry, occasionally they have to. My nine month old will scream if you put him in the crib. My mom stands there tryign to console him and it becomes a huge freaking deal. I don't give him an audience. I calmly pat his bottom, tell him that mommy will be there when he wakes up before quickly walk out of the room. Typically this results in about sixty seconds of crying.

As far as communication frustration goes, I'm a huge believer in both baby sign language and/or saying soothing things just to calm ME down. (e.g. "I see that you are frustrated with that. Mommy can't help you right now but I'll be right with you.") This takes the "bite" out of the stress of a wailing baby. Believe me, it is much harder on you than Mia.

[alison]

PS. It's mostly dh who doesn't deal with the crying as "well" as I do. I'm ok with it, so long as we aren't disturbing people too much.

Ugh. She's starting to do the thing that you, Kelly, just mentioned with laying dd down in her crib. She used to be so easy with that, but obviously the separation anxiety is starting to set in. I wonder how much she understands of what I say....? Or is it mostly tone?

[Pollyanna]

What is it with laptops? My laptop is Zoe's latest fascination. That and our remote controls. And both are definitely going to have to become "off limits" soon. My husband thinks we should buy her a toy laptop and toy remote control so we can hand her "hers" when she wants to bang on ours.

FYI: don't waste money on toy laptops, remotes, keys, etc. They want the real stuff. It makes sense because they see the adults on the computer, using the remotes, etc. They see the "value" and "importance" of these things and want them too. Re do lots of redirecting around here...lots of redirecting, lol

But I don't want her screaming in public, just because it's a moment to teach her... I mean, should other people sitting there have to listen to her throw a tantrum?

No, they shouldn't. You try to distract her / engage her in something else, and then if it doesn't work in a couple minutes, you need to get up and walk out -- truly. She's a clever little love and she will very quickly learn that Mommy doesn't want me to fuss, so I will get what I want. She will not make the distinction between doing it at home and doing it out for awhile longer, but as you like to live a social life (as do I!) and aren't willing to be home for this learning curve. It's the only way to get them accustomed to what is acceptable behavior in public. Someone else mentioned 8 months as too early to "discipline", and yes, time outs aren't applicable at that age (nor spanking, obviously) -- but removing them from the situation so that you aren't giving in is entirely appropriate. They can and do learn behavior at that age.

[Thirteen]

I took dd to Starbucks today, and we sat outside on a bench to cuddle and play together in the sun.
I soon realized that she wanted to drink out of my cup, and I let her, like we've done in the past. Only today, when I took my cup back to drink from, she screamed and cried until I gave it back to her! I gave her her Sophie giraffe to play with instead, but nope, she wanted the Starbucks cup, and wouldn't stop crying until I let her have it...
?\

Um, have you been watching me at Starbucks, lately?
I agree with the "don't give in or feel harried" statements that have been made - if I could, I'd let you meet my little sister. She'll convince anyone to stand their ground while parenting: at 18, she's a real peach.