Separation Anxiety

[JC76]

We've hit a new stage and I could use some insight/advice from those who have been there done that. Zoe seems to be developing separation anxiety and/or a really strong attachment to me in the just the last week. It seems to have happened completely out of the blue.

For example, we were out to lunch for Father's Day with DH and his parents and every time I got up to go to the buffet and left the table she burst into tears. She has never done ANYTHING like this before, it was just bizarre. Not even DH could comfort her until I came back to the table. Now, two nights in a row, DH has offered to help with bedtime and our normal routine of bottle, a little rocking and bed... she literally has started screaming in his arms, won't take the bottle from him, won't relax and will only take the bottle from me. As soon as I take her she stops crying instantly. I felt horrible for him. I could tell he was really wounded. All he wants to is come home from work and hang out with her, and while she's clearly excited to see him and wants to play with him (crawls around following him as soon as he gets in the door, very cute)... as soon as she has needs or is tired, she just completely rejects him.

So - my questions - I realize at 8 1/2 months she's at prime time to start separation anxiety, so I don't necessarily think anything's wrong with her, but:

- For any of you who dealt with this, how long did it last?
- Is there anything I can do to discourage it? It comes across like a temper tantrum, like she's going to scream until I give her what she wants. Am I feeding into it by responding to it?

[Malpka]

It is such a normal developmental phase. Reassure DH that the time is coming soon enough when he will be the bees knees, and she will start treating you like chopped liver!

I think my kids all had true separation anxiety for at least 2-3 months. I don't think you are feeding into it by comforting her, though it is exhausting the be 'needed' so much on a moment to moment basis. I don't think at this age babies think in terms of manipulating you, so I would not worry about that.

My 4th is 11 months, and we are just coming out of the separation anxiety.

[Deebs]

We just entered this phase with DD, too (she'll be 8 months on Sunday). I didn't go through it with my other kids, and I"m not too worried about it with her, other than the fact that sometimes I just have too many other people demanding my attention. I kind of figure I should enjoy it now - there will be plenty of times in her life she wants nothing to do with me. When I leave her with a sitter or DH, she seems to get over it as soon as I am gone for a few minutes.

[Tenacious_D]

It happens with E but I find that it really only happens when he is either hurt, hungry or tired. If DH is home, I try to get him to tend to E so he doesn't always assume that I will come running when he needs attention esp. since we have a new baby coming soon. I do think it's normal for kids to go through that stage though.

Adding: I also find that once I am not in sight, he seems to get over it.

[alison]

Dd started around 7 months, and it only lasted a month. The funny thing is that my parents came to watch her for a few days while dh and I were out of town. She was at her worst right when they arrived. That seemed to actually make her snap out of it. . I guess she realized she'd eventually have to warm up to other people for, you know, survival!

No seriously, it went away for dd from one day to the next. It's super frustrating, but she'll get over it! Until then, just keep doing what you're doing!

[JC76]

Thanks for all the advice guys. Much appreciated. I think one solution here clearly is out of sight, out of mind. Yesterday the in laws came to babysit and Z was sleeping when they arrived. I slipped out of the house to go to meet with my boss while she was still sleeping and didn't come home for about 5 hours... my in laws said it was the best day they've ever had with her. And she was sooooooo excited and happy when I came home. Normally I work in our home office while they're here with her and there is lots of whiny-ness and a few crying fits whenever I come out of the office and she sees me. Yesterday while I was gone she was happy as a clam.

[alison]

Thanks for all the advice guys. Much appreciated. I think one solution here clearly is out of sight, out of mind. Yesterday the in laws came to babysit and Z was sleeping when they arrived. I slipped out of the house to go to meet with my boss while she was still sleeping and didn't come home for about 5 hours... my in laws said it was the best day they've ever had with her. And she was sooooooo excited and happy when I came home. Normally I work in our home office while they're here with her and there is lots of whiny-ness and a few crying fits whenever I come out of the office and she sees me. Yesterday while I was gone she was happy as a clam.

Yes, I think this is the way it was for us as well. I left for the airport while dd was asleep, and so my mom was there when she woke up.
GREAT!!!! Be happy that she wants to be with you now, because when she's a teenager, she won't be crying our for you.

[GrayMatterWife]

Whoa. I am so sorry. That's gotta be hard on the DH, even if he intellectually knows it's an age-appropriate phase.

I have no advice. I never went through it. Each of my children prefers my husband. At all ages and stages. Apparently, I am not the fun one.

**leaving to go feel sad and unloved right now...**

[Pollyanna]

Whoa. I am so sorry. That's gotta be hard on the DH, even if he intellectually knows it's an age-appropriate phase.

I have no advice. I never went through it. Each of my children prefers my husband. At all ages and stages. Apparently, I am not the fun one.

**leaving to go feel sad and unloved right now...**

If it makes you feel any better Abigail, dd #1 used to ONLY want her daddy at night (which worked in my favor honestly) and ds#1 used to wake up from his naps and scream at me, "NO! I only want my daddy".