SAHM v. SAHW

ADMINISTRATORS EDIT: This thread is composed of posts split off from the thread "Baby Blues". It stemmed from a discussion about moms at home with young children. It was split after two pages of OT posts. The remaining "Baby Blues" thread is still in this forum. You can read the first two pages there to find the origin of this conversation. Sorry for the confusion.

I have a genuine question: what's not to like about staying at home? I don't have kids, and was a stay at home wife this summer for 4 months while school was out and it was fabulous. The only thing I did was plan/manage our renovations, but otherwise I watched lots of movies, read a lot, went sightseeing, stayed up late every night and slept late every day, etc. I loved not having a job/any obligations and just focusing on the home. To tell you the truth, lately I've thought about quitting grad school in order to be a stay at home wife full-time. I guess I prefer the lower stress of staying at home to the much higher stress of work. And I guess I just don't find work as a concept all that fulfilling anymore. I also think about how much more quality time I'd get to spend with DH if I was a stay at home wife, and this is really important to me. I could do all the cleaning, cooking, errands and chores before he came home, so we could spend quality time together. For the four months I stayed home, I never once thought that I was bored. I did miss social interaction with people, but it definitely wasn't boredom. How can a person be bored at home, because you can read, explore your own interests, take adult ed classes, do research online, etc. I'd love to hear thoughts on this.

[ladymoreta]

There's a big difference between staying at home with kids and without. Much less sleeping in, sightseeing, and entertainment. Much more poop, sleep deprivation, and chores. Not that I don't love being a SAHM, but comparing it to SAHW is apples to oranges.

[diggitydot]

It's all personal taste. Some people want to work out of the home, some prefer to work in the home. I've been on both sides of this fence and see advantages and disadvantages to both. If being an at-home mom/wife is your dream gig, go for it. If you can't stand another day without regular adult conversation and want to return to work, go for it.

[Michele]

Because I'm really in a bad mood this morning, I'm going there.....

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I have a genuine question: what's not to like about staying at home? I don't have kids, and was a stay at home wife this summer for 4 months while school was out and it was fabulous. The only thing I did was plan/manage our renovations, but otherwise I watched lots of movies, read a lot, went sightseeing, stayed up late every night and slept late every day, etc. I loved not having a job/any obligations and just focusing on the home. To tell you the truth, lately I've thought about quitting grad school in order to be a stay at home wife full-time. I guess I prefer the lower stress of staying at home to the much higher stress of work. And I guess I just don't find work as a concept all that fulfilling anymore. I also think about how much more quality time I'd get to spend with DH if I was a stay at home wife, and this is really important to me. I could do all the cleaning, cooking, errands and chores before he came home, so we could spend quality time together. For the four months I stayed home, I never once thought that I was bored. I did miss social interaction with people, but it definitely wasn't boredom. How can a person be bored at home, because you can read, explore your own interests, take adult ed classes, do research online, etc. I'd love to hear thoughts on this.
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Are you serious? 4 months of a SAHW gig is NOTHING compared to being a SAHM. That's one of the most ridiculous comparisons I've heard. My out of the home job is WAY less stressful than the job of raising a child. Yeah, maybe if you have an awesome sleeper, who doesn't want to be held, the first few months of a newborns life could be pretty cush. But most children require near constant interaction or attention. If you aren't directly engaging them, you still need to be paying attention to them. That doesn't leave much time to get deeply involved in a book or movie....any out of the house activity has to factor in nap times, and meal times....even the most flexible babies still need regular feeding intervals and sleep. You pretty much spend most of your time thinking about someone else's (your child's) needs first. It really doesn't leave much time for "you."

I actually find your comments ridiculous and inappropriate for this thread. Maybe if I actually had time to sleep I might not be in such a bitchy mood....

Because I'm really in a bad mood this morning, I'm going there.....

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I have a genuine question: what's not to like about staying at home? I don't have kids, and was a stay at home wife this summer for 4 months while school was out and it was fabulous. The only thing I did was plan/manage our renovations, but otherwise I watched lots of movies, read a lot, went sightseeing, stayed up late every night and slept late every day, etc. I loved not having a job/any obligations and just focusing on the home. To tell you the truth, lately I've thought about quitting grad school in order to be a stay at home wife full-time. I guess I prefer the lower stress of staying at home to the much higher stress of work. And I guess I just don't find work as a concept all that fulfilling anymore. I also think about how much more quality time I'd get to spend with DH if I was a stay at home wife, and this is really important to me. I could do all the cleaning, cooking, errands and chores before he came home, so we could spend quality time together. For the four months I stayed home, I never once thought that I was bored. I did miss social interaction with people, but it definitely wasn't boredom. How can a person be bored at home, because you can read, explore your own interests, take adult ed classes, do research online, etc. I'd love to hear thoughts on this.
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Are you serious? 4 months of a SAHW gig is NOTHING compared to being a SAHM. That's one of the most ridiculous comparisons I've heard. My out of the home job is WAY less stressful than the job of raising a child. Yeah, maybe if you have an awesome sleeper, who doesn't want to be held, the first few months of a newborns life could be pretty cush. But most children require near constant interaction or attention. If you aren't directly engaging them, you still need to be paying attention to them. That doesn't leave much time to get deeply involved in a book or movie....any out of the house activity has to factor in nap times, and meal times....even the most flexible babies still need regular feeding intervals and sleep. You pretty much spend most of your time thinking about someone else's (your child's) needs first. It really doesn't leave much time for "you."

I actually find your comments ridiculous and inappropriate for this thread. Maybe if I actually had time to sleep I might not be in such a bitchy mood....

Geez, what's with all the hostility? I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers. I have no idea what raising kids is like. I don't have any nieces or nephews, and I don't have any friends with kids. I guess I was thinking that when the medical spouse comes home at the end of the day you can have them watch the child for awhile, thus giving the stay at home spouse some quiet time/time to do housework and chores and pursue their own interests. I was also thinking that things were a whole lot easier and ran much more smoothly when I was home and able to take care of all the chores in a timely fashion, thus leaving more quality time for me and DH.

My thought would be that staying at home in general gives you more time to explore your own interests than when you're working (in my experience), and seems like it would probably be less stressful than working, and especially so if you're working and have kids--that seems like the most stressful situation. Maybe a solution is to hire a sitter a few times a week in the home so you can get things done at home/have time for yourself?

[MrsK]

I don't mean to dogpile but I have to voice my agreement with LadyM and Michele. Sunny, I know that your question was naieve and that you didn't mean to ruffle feathers but, seriously? I haven't watched an entire movie, read a book, slept late, explored my own interests, taken classes, or done on-line research since my baby was born and that's not because I work. Heck, the only time I get to do anything even remotely related to exploring my own interests is when I'm slacking off at work. The cleaning, cooking, errands and the like are nearly impossible tasks when a needy little person is constantly interrupting because he needs clean diapers and food and hugs. And as for looking to our spouses for respite -- they are working parents in this scenario. They don't get to pursue their interests either.

[scrub-jay]

I haven't watched an entire movie, read a book, slept late, explored my own interests, taken classes, or done on-line research since my baby was born and that's not because I work. Heck, the only time I get to do anything even remotely related to exploring my own interests is when I'm slacking off at work.

Yes, this. When I was home with my newborn, I became giddy when DH came home because I could take out the trash. Yes, the trash. There is no time to even shower when you are home with the baby. SSU: I recognize that your question may have been naive and you really don't know, but please realize that it is going to seem a little offensive to those of us (working or staying at home) who have given up pursuing our own interests in lieu of our childrens' needs. Then add on lack of sleep and you are going to get heated responses - and the fact that many of us have med spouses who are still in training. With med school studying, board studying, residency hours and studying - it does not seem reasonable to expect that spouse to come home every night and take on baby-duty so you can pursue your own interests. When you have young children - they are your exclusive interest.

Sunnysideup - just realize that it is impossible to understand someone else's point of view unless you have been there. When people say they feel a certain way, you have to give them credit for having a genuine reason for feeling that way. After having a baby, there are hormonal changes, sleep problems with the baby, constant feeding, changing diapers, getting pooped and spit up on. Seriously, right now I feel like a zombie. I don't think I've had a full night of sleep in 4 years. If I pursue my own hobbies without someone else watching the kids, they will tear the house apart in 30 seconds. You would not believe what can happen in that short amount of time. And as medical spouses, we all can relate to how little our spouses are available to help. Yes, getting a babysitter is a good idea, if there's money for it and we know someone trustworthy.
It's not being "bored at home," it's the CONSTANT needs of a child that turns your brain to mush. Even moms who love staying home can relate to this feeling - and even more so for the moms who are used to excelling at a job or school.
ETA - At the moment - as I'm taking just a few seconds to reach out to anyone else who understands big words - my daughter has dumped over the cereal bowls on the table and is mashing bananas into the bottoms of them. I'd love to read a photography book, but I'll be cleaning up mashed banana, Cheerios, and milk instead.

Thank you to those who posted civil responses. Honestly, I do not understand the hostility on this board. I started my responses off with letting you all know that I don't have kids, which implies that I have no clue but was just asking a question, and I tried to write an empathic response to the OP earlier in the thread, which probably wasn't helpful anyways.

I have had an incredibly lousy week, am stressed to the gills, and was just looking to come on this forum and have some interesting discussion on my day off today. I have not been let into the private forums yet for whatever reason, and so there are only a limited number of topics to respond to in the public forums. Parenting is an interest of mine, as I am trying to learn some things before having kids, and all the info I get is from reading online/books, as I don't have any friends/family with kids. Instead, the hostility of people on here in general really discourages me from wanting to return again to this board because of the hostility on this thread and the other one.

Anyway, I apologize that I posted my question from a position of having no clue (but don't teachers always say that the only "stupid" question is the one that's not asked?) and am sorry if it offended people. The few classmates that I know of who have babies/young kids always appear so well-rested, so well-prepared, do so well in school, and are able to stay and socialize after class/are able to meet up to socialize during class events that it gave me a different perspective of things--making it seem like having young kids does allow for some free time/ability to pursue one's own interests. I really have no idea how they do it, and most of them have kids under the age of 2.

I was afraid you were feeling this way. You can try asking a new, basic question instead of responding to a struggling mom. Or post what you're stressed about. You might find that others are stressed about similar things, and get encouragement for yourself.

[Tenacious_D]

I think Michelle said exactly what I was thinking...don't take it as hostile but you sounded quite silly.. I honestly thought you were joking. SAHM vs. At home wife is worlds apart. Granted we choose to be at home with our kids because we love them but toddlers and newborns and teens can all be a major handful. I stay up late because I have to and I wake ip early because I have to. I look a hot mess because my kids get first dibs on baths.

I am just sorry this conversation happened in Julie's forum.

[medpedspouse]

I have no idea what raising kids is like. I don't have any nieces or nephews, and I don't have any friends with kids. I guess I was thinking that when the medical spouse comes home at the end of the day you can have them watch the child for awhile, thus giving the stay at home spouse some quiet time/time to do housework and chores and pursue their own interests. I was also thinking that things were a whole lot easier and ran much more smoothly when I was home and able to take care of all the chores in a timely fashion, thus leaving more quality time for me and DH.

My thought would be that staying at home in general gives you more time to explore your own interests than when you're working (in my experience), and seems like it would probably be less stressful than working, and especially so if you're working and have kids--that seems like the most stressful situation. Maybe a solution is to hire a sitter a few times a week in the home so you can get things done at home/have time for yourself?

I don't have kids either...has much to do with things I have read on this board. Basically, you are a single parent. The physician is not going to come home at the end of the day and watch the child for a while because #1 they are usually never home and #2 if they are, they are probably sleeping.

Re: staying at home being less stressful. This may have been the case for you but, you know, everyone is different. I am right there with you about having the time to get everything in order, etc. etc but I do not think that I could do it forever. My identity is tied to my career and it is important for me to have a separate identity away from the dawkter. I also have a need to stimulate my brain by being among people who help me grow in my field - so, I have to work. I also know I have a giant chip on my shoulder to not want to be a "dawkters wife" but that is who I am. We are all different and what works for one may not work for all.

Vishenka - I know you had a very different life before attending-hood/baby. <HUGS> I think I'd be in same boat if in the same situation and I am not even including the hormonal crap you ladies have to deal with after childbirth.

[Vanquisher]

Sunny, I think the reason for all the hostility toward your question is not from the naivete of it, which is pronounced, but how insulting it is. You are insinuating to women or men who choose to stay home with their children that their jobs are not at all difficult or demanding. Honestly, I think that most everyone on this thread has been positively nice to you considering your rude question to a mother who is possibly struggling with the very real issue of post partum depression.

I would like to ask an admin to kindly separate this thread into two threads, please. One can remain supportive of Julie, and the other can be devoted to ssu's question.

Furthermore, SSU, I cannot respond specificially as to why you have not been granted private forum access, but I can venture why:

1. We don't KNOW you. I want to be specifically and reasonably comfortable with someone before they have access to very private conversations.
2. You post insulting questions like this!
3. You don't answer specific questions that are asked to you.
4. When I PM'd you to verify your identity, you ignored me.

I'm sorry if you are feeling hostility. I am feeling protective of my dear friend Julie, who is working her ass off as a SAHM for her precious daughter and doesn't deserve to be asked insulting questions in a thread in which she was clearly looking for support from.

Julie, dear, you have all my support and then some. Whenever you want to get away, feel free to bring your DD down for a vacay. I'll babysit, and send you to Bloomies and Nordy's with my credit card to outfit me.

[Michele]

I'm gonna respond but then I'll back out. I'm not typically a pot stirrer on this site, but your post pissed me off...it caught me in a bad mood and I stand by my opinion that it is inappropriate for this thread. Asking what's not to like about staying at home in a thread where someone was expressing her unhappiness with her current situation is unhelpful and hurtful to those experiencing it. Prefacing it by saying you don't have kids is as "considerate" as my prefacing my post with saying I'm in a bad mood.

[MrsK]

Also, Sunny. . . and I intend this to be constructive because I do believe that your question was genuine in the same way that someone who has never had children may wonder why parenting is gratifying when it requires so much work. But perhaps you could have asked it a little differently. Something along the lines of "I'm not in your situation and I'm trying to understand. Please tell me what it is like to be home all day with a small child" is a more sentisitive to the original poster and would probably be more likely to get you the information that you desire. Instead you basically said "I don't know why you're complaining. I loved the freedom I had when I didn't have a job or children. You've got it made" and leaving the child-rearing out of the SAH equasion was a big miscalculation. Unfortunately, you struck a nerve because you went on to list numerous things that we all enjoyed before we were mothers. I think you inadvertently rubbed salt in an open wound for many of us. Regardless of where our husbands are in training or whether we are working of SAHMs, motherhood forces us to sacrifice many of the personally enriching activities that you described.