playground -- what would you have done

[alison]

Ugh. I feel sick to my stomach. Dd is 21 months old. She was a late walker and generally pretty cautious around bigger kids. She's confident once she feels comfortable in a situation, but it does take a lot of comforting and cheerleading on my part to get her to be independent.

She is able to climb up on a play structure by herself. I spot her for the first few steps she has to maneuver herself up, but she proudly stands on the top step and beams down at me. Sometimes she'll start singing.

Today, a 5 year old boy went up to her on the top step and flipped the visor of her hat such that the hat fell down the steps and landed at my feet.

I told the boy firmly that what he did was impolite and rude. He then told me "she's (M) not my friend anymore." And then I proceeded to hurt the boy's feelings by telling him that they never were friends in the first place, and told him never to touch my daughter nor her things ever again. He ran off to his dad and told me that I was a mean lady, and of course the dipsh*t of a dad put down his cell phone (for a freaking moment), and came over to ask what I told his son.

Grrr. I told him what his son had done, and that I did not appreciate it as a parent. If he had been paying attention to his son being a total punk to dd and all the other kids on the play structure, then he'd know that his kid is a dick.

I'm not going to be able to protect my daughter from these things her whole life, and have to get a thicker skin. Still, I just want to live in a bubble with her...

What would you have done? Did I overreact with the boy? How do you handle situations like this?

[alison]

To clarify, I didn't say to the dad that his son was a dick. I only told him that I did not appreciate what his son had done.

[PrincessFiona]

Well, I understand the protective instinct towards M (the mama bear thing is powerful!). At the same time, the little boys actions and behavior scream 'normal 5 year old boy'. I have a lot of experience with 5 year olds (gaaah... and you thought it ended with the f*ing fours that Luanne mentioned?). They definitely don't initiate play yet the way the 6 and 7 year olds do and they are in an inbetween phase when it comes to understanding friendship or maintaining those bonds. The hat tipping? My gut reaction is that this is just a way he was trying to get her attention. He likely didn't think it would fall to the ground and he for sure wasn't imagining what would happen if M had lost her balance. The she's not my friend thing? A five year old expression of a sort of ... confusion over the desire to play with M (not necessarily be her 'friend' and the fact that it all seemed to go wrong.

Sometimes parents are distracted. There are time when I'm the only mom on the playground paying attention because others are chatting/on the phone/reading ... and there are times when I pick up my phone and talk and I know that I miss things too. It's impossible emotionally to be constantly hypervigilent. So ... I am going to be the lone ranger here who won't blame the dad.

If I had been there, I think I would have tried to talk to the five year old on his level ... after picking up the hat/explaining not to do it and why, I would have asked him his name, told him M's name, etc etc....

If he had been 12, it would be different.

Kris

[SuzySunshine]

I think I would have asked him not to touch my daughter/son but otherwise I agree with Kris, normal 5 year old behavior. As for the dad and the phone I take my kids to the park so that I can have some me time. I sit on the bench and watch them while also chatting or looking at my phone, as long as R doesn't climb up the big climbing structure they are at parks enough to take care of themselves. I keep an eye on them so that I know where they are and if there are conflicts with other kids but I don't follow them around. Maybe that makes me a bad mom but personally I think the moms who follow their 3+ year olds onto the climbing structures look like helicopter moms and then wonder why their kids won't leave them alone when they want to stand on the side and chat with the rest of us.

[DCJenn]

To be honest, if you really did tell him that he's rude and impolite, he likely didn't have a clue what you meant! (which is why he told his dad that you were mean- he got the gist, just not the meaning) He sounds like a pretty normal five year-old boy to be honest. They're generally pretty fearless and they want to play w/ everyone on the playground. I remember some McDonalds playland experiences where I had to tell N. that the babies were too little to play w/ him like he wanted them to. They don't know or understand that the littler kids can't do the same stuff and Kris is right- he had no idea what the cause/effect of messing w/ her hat would be.

It's all a learning curve though- parenting is not easy for anyone!

J.

[Deebs]

I agree with everyone else. In the future, a reminder of "be gentle with the baby" usually goes pretty far. I totally understand your reaction, though.

[Vishenka69]

I had a similar incident a few weeks ago but forgot all about it until now. That's why I "helicopter" over DD for now, too many older kids around.

[alison]

Thanks!

I think I've got to hit all the stages to understand what's going on in and older child. I'm sure to him it looked like I was an angry bear who was yelling "ettfsgj hhfdu shshde!! Ok???"

I'm all over my daughter. It's a super scary play structure, and I've literally caught my as well as other toddlers in my arms, because they've fallen off. I'm a helicopter mom ready to spring into action.

Moan. Give me some time.

[DCJenn]

and as sexist as this may sound, boys DO play differently. (at least my playground experiences indicate that they do!)

But don't feel bad because MY unsupervised 7 year was the first kid to figure out how to 1) get the semi-naked lady to come up on the golf video game and 2) knowing that I hate guns has become the "master marksman" on the OTHER video game. Proud moments, all.

Jenn

[Pollyanna]

Alison, don't feel bad for following M around, especially on the structures. Most structures are made for 5yrs and up. A few playgrounds have ones certified for 3-5yrs, but rarely can you find a toddler safe structure and with bigger kids running around it's easy for the little ones to get knocked down. And lets be honest, you are M's very best friend right now, she likes having you hang with her. Enjoy this time because it is fleeting.

FYI: I follow my little ones (even #5) on the structures when necessary. It's fun to play on the structures with them, even my 9 and 11 year old like when I play with them on the slides and stuff (actually even our teens join in the fun)

[peggyfromwastate]

Ditto that pollyana. The play structured that are made for toddlers are not very fun and the kids will always opt for danger. I helicopter until the kids are about 5-6-- by them I expect them to obey when I tell them to get down, etc.

As far as dealing with other kids... It can be hard. Recently ds6 was approached by a boy who was 9 who wanted to play with him. Hd wanted ds to do monkey bars (fine) then climb up and down slides (I try to keep them from going up a slide but this is a losing battle) but no--/ I drew the line when the boy wanted to hide behind shrubs out if my line of vision to scare ppl walking by. Ds6 came and asked me if he could go around the corner (this was by tennis courts) and I said no-- the boy came and tried to drag him off, and I had to tell the boy that ds needed to stay with me to help w his sister. I try to help him save face.

Anyway my point is that some kids have little supervision and will play in a way that you are uncomfortable with. It just happens-- and I think its ok to talk to other kids and tell them you don't play that way, etc especially when other parents don't seem to be paying attention.

On the other hand, the parent who yells at my kids when I'm sitting right there actively supervising--- not ok.

And hello people-- please if you are in a public pool and you get splashed (heaven forbid) don't go berserk. You are in a pool... Do we need a warning label? Caution: getting in the pool may cause you to get wet. (I'm not talking about kids intentionally splashing a random person-- I'm talking about if you are practicing swimming with kicking.

[peggyfromwastate]

Sorry for the hijack Alison: playground politics are no fun!!!

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Like everything, follow your mom instincts with playgrounds!!

[Pollyanna]

) then climb up and down slides (I try to keep them from going up a slide but this is a losing battle) .

Lol Peggy, I am always saying, "up the ladder, down the slide"

[alison]

The structure is for 2-7 year olds, and that's just a huge range. Since dd isn't technically supposed to be on it, I'm all over her. There are steps that lead to nowhere, and have a 4' drop. That just seems crazy to me!

I just think touching another child in that way is really rude, and it should be a teaching opportunity for the parent. Many have said it's normal, but would you let your kid do this kind of thing or would you tell him/her to stop?

[Pollyanna]

I just think touching another child in that way is really rude, and it should be a teaching opportunity for the parent. Many have said it's normal, but would you let your kid do this kind of thing or would you tell him/her to stop?

I would not have let my child do that and I would have made him apologize to your daughter and explain how he is a bigger boy and that we need to be gentle with babies. Even 5 year olds that can navigate the structures need direction when on a playground.