2nd child advice?

[TigerLily]

So, I'm about 29 weeks pregnant now, and Ayla is 2. I stay at home with her, so she is used to my undivided attention almost all day. She is a very sweet kid, but she loves her mommy time. She's starting to want to have tea parties, and have an imagination. And I'm starting to freak out about the next baby. Am I going to completely destroy her little world with an infant? I'm afraid she is going to resent her little sister, hate me, and feel replaced.
It's just starting to hit me that with a new baby, we won't have our play time anymore. At least not as much. Everything is going to change! OMG what have I gotten myself into?
Any advice on making the transition easier for her? My husband is able to take a home study month the month that the baby is due so hopefully that will help quite a bit.
Help I am panicking.

[SuzySunshine]

Is she used to waiting for things now? Like when she asks you for a toy or a drink are you always immediate to get it for her? Start with that, start telling her wait just a minute, turn away and then get it for her - making the time longer and longer. She needs to learn to wait and that everything isn't always immediate.

Is she into baby dolls? If she's into the age of pretending I would either get her a doll shortly before the baby and tell her its her baby and that she can feed it when you feed the baby, change it, etc. or you can have the baby and her accoutrements be a gift from the new baby.

It is going to rock your world, and hers. It took about 3 months to "get Adele back" after R was born. She was this great independent player and became Ms Clingy. Another trick that I used and several friends have used was to have a feeding basket, it was a basket of toys and books that ONLY came out when the baby was being fed so that the toys were fun and new and more engaging.

I actually wish A had been older when I had R, I think if she had been into the pretend and tea parties she may have been able to play by herself more and easier, she was only 22 months.

You'll all be fine but it is a transition

[Pollyanna]

we all freak out when baby two arrives. I remember feeding our second baby in our bed in the middle of the night crying because our first was crying at the same time and needed a parent. Of course, in my hormonal hysteria I insisted that parent needed to be me so there I was nursing a baby who had to stay on a biliblanket for his jaundice, crying, and trying to hold dd1 while dh was trying to get me to calm down . Oh yes, parenting at its finest. Finally I let dh take our oldest and I realized that I couldn't be the end all be all for each child at every minute of the day. I had to let dad take over, let the child wait, mostly I had to learn to go with the flow. Remember, baby only needs you to feed her and change her and if you wear her during the day you can still do all the same things you did before. Your learning curve will not be as steep as it was with your first. Typically your recovery will even be easier after the birth. Don't "feel sorry" for your oldest, she is being blest with a sister and if you keep that positive energy when baby shows up your oldest will pick up on it too. Most importantly, you can do this and you can do it well. Be good to yourself, try to rest, ask for help. You are gonna be an awesome mommy of two!

[MrsK]

Zoe, I read part of your post to DrK and he said that you sound exactly like I did about a month ago. Actually, right up until I brought K2 home. It's only been a week and I'm still new at this so I cannot give you much in the way of tips. But, I will say that it's a lot easier than I expected. Fortunately, K2 has been exceptionally easy going -- he actually waits quietly for us to notice that he's woken from a nap-- and DrK has been on hand to help. But I expected total chaos for the first 6 months at least. One of my friends told me that her daughters were born 17 months apart and that for the first year someone was always crying -- either the little one, the big one, or the momma. So far, we've only had a handful of episodes where both kids have needed us at once (For instance, the other day K2's circumcision started bleeding suddenly, he was crying and DrK and I were both tied up with a tricky diaper change. BabyK thought we'd left the house without him and was crying at the back door. Today, BabyK was trying to find refuge from his hyperactive Nana (MIL) and he nearly pulled K2 out of my arms to get into my lap.) But these episodes have been pretty brief. We even managed a little time together when both babies napped at the same time -- something I thought I'd only read about in fairy tales.

BabyK is definitely testing boundaries. I think part of that is he is trying to figure out whether anything else has changed, whether we love him as much, etc. Also, having an audiance of grandparents has encouraged his acting out. Last night, he was incredibly obnoxious and I was furious. DrK and I have been as firm about his routines -- showing him that he'll still get his meals on time, that his sippy cup is still on the bottom shelf of the fridge, the bedtime routine is the same, etc. Having routines has really helped us too because DrK and I know what has to be done when and it just gets done. Also, I've made a point of handing off K2 after feedings so I can spend a little time with BabyK. Even a few minutes of coloring or playing with ice cubes has made a huge impact.

About a month ago, when I was having my what-am-I-doing-to-Baby-K freak out, DrK told me that I was doing a wonderful thing for BabyK. I was giving him a sibling, a best friend, someone who will stand beside him at his wedding and help him out when we are old and demented and driving him nuts. A year from now, BabyK will not know what life was like without a little brother.

[PrincessFiona]

Don't forget that baby isn't just a negative for your firstborn. My oldest loved helping feed our daughter and couldn't wait for her to be big enough to play with. Your daughter will experience some disruption, but also the joy of being a big sister ... That is a gift that she will have for the rest if her life.


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[TigerLily]

Oh thank you guys. I love the idea of getting her a special baby doll. She does love them, and maybe it will help her to prepare. ha She always talks about her little baby sister and what they are going to do together, and picks toys that she wants to give to her. But...obviously, at 2 doesn't REALLY understand. Heck, I don't even really understand and I'm 25 years older than she is.
I am going to have to try to give more responsibility to my husband. He's a fantastic dad, but sometimes I think he thinks that I'm a super hero. Like...somewhere along the line he "forgot" how to give A a bath or put her to sleep. If I ask him to do it when i get her up in the morning she is still wearing her clothes from the day before. Maybe I'm just a freak and I like things my way...orrr maybe he knows that and messes things up so he won't have to do them? I don't know... Anyway, hopefully he'll come around and be a super helpful dad, especially when he isn't an intern anymore. (4 more days!) He was fantastic with Ayla when she was an infant.
And MrsK...I love what your husband told you. How true. I have 2 sisters and I can't remember what life was like when the younger wasn't born, and we're about 4 years apart. I love my sisters and can't imagine life without them.
I think part of my anxiety might come from having no idea what a typical infant/mommy experience is like. Ayla was in the NICU when she was born, and I spent every second fussing over her after we brought her home because i was so paranoid about her breathing, choking, etc... I hope the 2nd one is a more laid back experience all around. i hope.

[MrsK]

Zoe, I was very sick during my first pregnancy and spent most of it in bed. BabyK had a low birth weight and was very needy at first. I was so anxious about how a second pregnancy and baby would affect BabyK. Turns out that my pregnancy was easy, K2 was 2 lbs bigger than BabyK was and he's not nearly as needy. I keep looking at him and forgetting he is a newborn because he seems more like BabyK was at 2 months. Also, I keep thinking of him more as BabyK's brother since I've already had the experience of becoming a mother. DrK is a lot more confident this time too. It's very different second time around.

[diggitydot]

Seriously, everything and everyone will be fine. The "WTF were we thinking?!" freak-out is 100% normal and will pass. You will be amazed how quickly everything will click into place.

[Deebs]

I honestly think the biggest mistake I see friends make is preparing their 1st child for - "you're going to be a big brother/big sister, isn't it so great?" These friends talk about prepping the older sibling for the sweet things he/she will say to the baby and do with the baby. I always prepped my kids by telling them that babies cry, poop, need a lot of help, and can't play until they get bigger. I let them know that however they feel about the baby is okay, even if they don't like the baby. We did the baby doll thing (even got a little changing table from an aunt - I think from pottery barn or target), and tried to extend waiting time so the older child wasn't so used to getting everything immediately. When both younger siblings were born, the transition was easier than I anticipated, but we did have moments where the older siblings weren't thrilled to have a baby in the house, and it was okay. I never had a child ask, but know of many kids who say things like, "when is that baby's mommy coming to get him/her?" I think it's important to prepare yourself that it might not be love at first sight between siblings.

[MrsK]

FWIW, one of my closest girlfriends is having a third child. Her older children are 12 and 10. (No, #3 is not a surprise. Yes, it's the same husband.) Her 10 yo is reading Harry Potter right now. He told her that he thought that having a baby would be noisy and inconvenient and why can't they just get an owl instead. It's probably easier to do this when A is unable to object.

[Michele]

D was a NICU baby (2 months) and K was the super easy baby. D was 28 months old when K was born. D was (still is) very needy and demanding. But we (my sitter and I) tried to get him used to waiting. Now D wants me to have "a hundred babies" because he wants a ton of playmates. . He's very disappointed that I can pop 'em out at 4 or 5 years old. Ha ha! K had the hardest transition when P came along (he was 20 months old). He went through a depression when P was about 2-3 months old (he moped and slept a lot, wouldn't play). It lasted about 3 months. But now they all love to play together.

You can't be everywhere for everyone and it's hard to reconcile that at first. But when one consoles the other before you can get there, your previous concerns will seem trivial compared to that.

[PrincessFiona]

The "WTF were we thinking?!" freak-out is 100% normal and will pass.

Until they are Tweens/teens in which case you may be like me: rocking in a corner drooling! Lol. Just kidding. Sort of.




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[MrsK]

Zoe, I'll tell you a cute sibing adjustment story. The other day, DrK went out while BabyK was napping. He woke and I couldn't lift him out of the crib due to my recent c-section (he weighs 27 lbs) so we had to wait for DrK to return. In the meanwhile, K2 needed to be changed. So I had BabyK in the crib and K2 on the changing table crying his lungs out. I was trying to maintain the appearance of relative calm so I sand Itsy Bitsy Spider as I was changing K2. When I finished the song and the diaper change, I heard a cheer and applause behind me -- BabyK enjoyed the performance. Everybody's happy.

[PrincessFiona]

So cute MrsK!

Kris

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[TigerLily]

That is adorable MrsK. lol! Loving the stories and the encouragement! I think I'm going to have to keep coming back to this every time I have a pre/post newborn anxiety attack