Need advice-- nanny issues

[Finding Equanimity]

DH is a PGY-4 surgery resident. This week he's off for vacation, which is pre-planned by his hospital a year in advance. I just started a new job, so we can't go on vacation. So DH is taking a staycation. He's exhausted and really needs some alone time and R&R. We have 2 kids- a 2 year old and a 6 month old, both of who are watched by an at-home nanny.

The problem is that our nanny doesn't understand what it's like to be a resident. So this week, we told her that DH will be home, but he has a million things to do and she needs to come (which is true- fellowship applications, publishing stuff that's backed up, etc. etc.). Today DH had to take the car to get serviced-- one of the million things he has on his to-do list, and the nanny guilted him in to taking our DD with him while she watched the 6 month old. The car servicing center is no place for a kid to be, even if there are some toys and games there.

DH is beside himself because he's worried this is how the rest of the vacation will be. The nanny seems to think a vacation from residency is just like any other vacation, and why wouldn't he want to spend time with the kids. The thing is, she does have a point, but he was willing to relieve her a few hours early each day. And he has so much to do, and he's tired, so I totally get him wanting to have some "me" time.

We live in a small house, so the nanny and him are literally going to be on top of each other all week. I don't really know what to do. I know we need to talk to her about this, but I don't even know where to start. Advice please?

[L.Jane]

Wow. I am a nanny in a home where the dad works in the house and the only time I let the kids go with him is when the dad invites them. I would never ask the dad to take the kids when I am being payed to watch them. I think it just needs to be explained to her. You are paying for her time to watch the kids and she needs to know what exactly is expected of her.

I do have to say, it is very difficult to work with kids when the parent is in the home because they will try to get their parent to pay attention to them and if the nanny tells them no they will try to go to the parent to over rule the nanny. The big issue is your DH making sure he backs up the nanny's discipline and instructions to 2 year old and stay out of sight as much as possible if he doesn't want to be interacting with the kids. The two year old I work with will cry for his father or mother if he can see them or knows they are close by. He does play well and moves on from being upset once the father is down in his office, but everytime he comes up to the kitchen or walks through, it starts the whole thing over again and can become very frustrating. I'm sorry. I don't think I am being much help. But like I said, you just need to tell the nanny what is expected of her.

[fluffhead]

I am in this exact situation - when I have time off, the sitter either takes vacation, or does her errands and stuff. There's really no way around it - if he wants to get work done he should do it outside the house. It's very hard for the nanny to keep the kids away from dad.

[lovelight]

I am also a nanny and would never expect the parents to take the children while I am being paid to do just that. If the child is trying to get the parents attention a good nanny should redirect the kids or get the kids out of the house. Your DH shouldn't be obligated to spend his entire staycation out of the house because the nanny is there. I say just have a firm conversation with the nanny reiterating what you expect her to do...especially since DH is already willing to relieve her early each day or whatever the case may be.

[MissCrabette]

Maybe I'm too focused on numbers, but I'd withhold payment for your daughter for the number of hours your DH watched her. See how she likes that.

In all seriousness, I'd tell her that she has to watch both kids for the agreed upon hours if she expects to be paid as usual.

[fluffhead]

wow - you guys are tough. I'm so afraid of pissing off the babysitter - I'd never dream of withholding pay for hours not watching kids.

[SoonerTexan]

they will try to get their parent to pay attention to them and if the nanny tells them no they will try to go to the parent to over rule the nanny

As a former nanny, this ^^^. I hated situations like that...it's definitely a rock and a hard place. Especially with a two year old you cannot reason with. I was dealing with a 6 and 10 year old and it was hard. I could tell them, "No, you need to leave your mom alone" but I could do little to physically stop them from running/sneaking away to the study where she worked. And if she heard me disciplining them (verbally), she would come out and ask what was going on. With a 2 year old? Forget it. They do whatever the hell they want.

Tell him to do his best to stay out of sight and to maybe hang out at a Starbucks for a few hours? Her actions with the car servicing are inexcusable as you described them, but without more info its hard to say if it played out like this:

"2 year old saw daddy leaving, freaked, babysitter panicked trying to calm her down/your husband felt bad for leaving her and a hasty decision was made"

or this

"Babysitter saw your husband leaving and pointedly asked if your DH would take 2 year old with him"

It depends on how casual of a relationship you have with your nanny--if #2 happened, maybe it is too casual?

If the child is trying to get the parents attention a good nanny should redirect the kids or get the kids out of the house.

I would agree with this, if the kids were older. There's only so much you can do out of the house with a 2 year old and baby.

[SuzySunshine]

She should be there to work, with both kids, regardless of whether or not your DH is home. I don't think I'd withhold pay for today but I think I would tell her that if she doesn't want to watch both kids the rest of the week regardless of the situation then you will dock it going forward. That isn't acceptable.

[SuzySunshine]

I would also say that it probably would be better for your DH to do his work, like papers, apps, etc. at another location. Like a coffee shop or is there a library as part of his hospital. As long as he isn't doing something that HAS to be done at home, like repair work, he should just plan to stay out of the house 8-5. I know it sucks but its probably the only way he'll get stuff done.

[MissCrabette]

Oh, I was only joking about withholding pay for that particular day. I did it to express how unreasonable it is for her to not do her full job and still expect to be paid as if she did it. If she didn't know that, you should let her know.

It's probably reasonable to have to work outside the home for the kids' sake, but don't do it because you're afraid of the nanny. She works for you. Act like it.

[Tenacious_D]

Ummm....you pay her, right? She has no business telling you what you do with your time while she is getting paid. Our nanny tried that once I didn't make up any excuse that I had errands. I wanted a rest which is why she was hired in the first place. I call BS on her assumption and you should nip it in the bud quickly. Sorry to be so brash but the nanny/employer relationship can be tricky and you have to set clear ground rules as to her job. If she's pissed about it, she can go home and post on INN (international nanny network )

[GrayMatterWife]

In my younger, more energetic days, I worked as an in-home nanny. It is a professional job and people expect you to act professionally.

I would have been fired if I had even tried to "guilt" the dad into doing my job. Nannies are paid to watch the kids. So watch them. If you don't watch all of them, re-negotiate the pay for that day to be commensurate with your reduced work. But do it AHEAD OF TIME.

In the meantime, either advise the nanny that she will need to plan all-day-out activities for the children this week or you need to pack up DH and send him to the local library, Starbucks, or a local hotel to work.

[SoonerTexan]

I still say talk to your DH and get the details on how it went down if you didn't witness it directly before crucifying the nanny. Especially if you are the one normally doing the kids/nanny handoff.

Sometimes the dads don't always know how things usually go down and him feeling "guilted" may have just been HIS reaction to the nanny handling a normal reaction to a parent leaving that he doesn't see often.

Again, no excuses if it really went down like you said it did initially, but it is DAMN HARD to watch other people's children without any misunderstandings taking place, especially when a routine is broken.

[BonBon]

I am also a nanny and would never expect the parents to take the children while I am being paid to do just that. If the child is trying to get the parents attention a good nanny should redirect the kids or get the kids out of the house. Your DH shouldn't be obligated to spend his entire staycation out of the house because the nanny is there. I say just have a firm conversation with the nanny reiterating what you expect her to do...especially since DH is already willing to relieve her early each day or whatever the case may be.

This.

[samssugarmomma]

Maybe I'm too focused on numbers, but I'd withhold payment for your daughter for the number of hours your DH watched her. See how she likes that.

In all seriousness, I'd tell her that she has to watch both kids for the agreed upon hours if she expects to be paid as usual.

I was totally going to say this!